For those on lockdown with an abuser

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Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

@jess3817 glad you're ok. Thanks for letting us know how you are.

I went to look at the freedom programme - I can't do it at the mo due to not having any income now, I know it's only 12 quid but...Every penny counts and all that, especially when feeding 4 kids.
I've been reading snippets of that book you recommended, wow, some of the conversations in there ring true. Will keep reading

Do you know, if I tell them more honestly how bad it's been in the past would they do that marac meeting. I'm so scared he'll be arrested. I can't cope with that. It would get so nasty and I'm not strong enough. I suppose it's things in the past so probably won't need the meeting as no immediate risk. It's stupid because I feel irrational about it in that although I'm scared about that I also sort of worry they won't help if it's not that level. I know it's irrational but it's just after my bad experiences with the ones that didn't seem to want to help. With the actual leaving, I'm trying to get the courage to do something. I feel like this is my safe place now, my home, and I can hide away here but I know it won't be safe maybe always. Would they be able to help me be strong enough? I don't suppose there's much they can do about my barriers of fear. I'm going to try to speak to my doctor again. I spoke a little bit but didn't want to bother her with something not medical when doctors are probably so stressed with all the virus stuff. The porn stuff was video as well as photos. I suppose there's something wrong with me because I sort of don't mind. Maybe because it didn't hurt me at the time, not physically. I suppose the only bad thing is I don't know how many there were. Anyway it's in the past. I just thought other women should know to not tell them you know if you find out.

@plantlife, you need to contact the DV organisation and get some support.

I don't know if they will call a MARAC as I don't have all the details of what's gone on. MARAC is there is protect you from serious harm, not harm you further.

No one will do anything you don't want to do. No one will force you to do anything. A domestic abuse organisation will follow your lead. What you tell them is absolutely confidential and I suggest you make that clear when you talk to them tomorrow on the phone so they can further assure you.

If other people have downloaded the sex tapes, then there's not much we can do about that but if it's been uploaded onto porn sites or is searchable on Google, we can get that removed. Let's worry about one thing at a time and not everything at once as that can be overwhelming.

You've had a few weeks free of abuse. Hasn't that been lovely? I know he's been nasty to you over the phone but hasn't it been good to be safe?

Contact the domestic organisation tomorrow. Make it clear that you don't want them to contact the police (they won't) and ask them to reassure you that it's confidential (it is) for you to feel safe. Then let them support you. Tell them what you need and let them help you. Listen to what they can do and you don't have to agree to anything there and then you can come back here, let us know and we can discuss it.

Does that sound like something you can do? It doesn't sound too bad, does it?

@jess3817 don't worry about the Freedom Programme if you can't afford it. Reading up on the above is a great step in the right direction. I'm gad you're ok.

abuse, not above.

Thank you for the advice. I'm about to risk making even more people lose patience with me or think I'm a bad person or be angry and I'm really sorry. I just feel I need to be honest. I'm sorry though. Anyway basically I'm scared they won't help me unless it's a marac level because of how things have been so hard when I've tried to get help before, but then I desperately don't want him arrested. I'd be forced to leave immediately because I'd not feel safe being here when he's released. I'm worried because the police already know about us sort of. They've been here a few times, he's been arrested in the past but I've refused to talk to them and they think it was me being mentally ill. I know some of the incidents in the past might sound bad if I tell the charity, although none are recent so not relevant. The other place told me things from a few years ago don't matter. It upset me at the time. I felt they thought I was over the top for still being so scared of him. Sorry, I'm not making much sense. Anyway I'm worrying for nothing. The local place that didn't help say marac is a child protection conference so I guess my borough doesn't do it for adults. It's stupid but I feel so torn about that. Relief but also worried I won't be helped. Sorry, I hope it's ok to express those fears here. I know I have to try. I do feel safe now and feel so guilty for saying it. I'm scared of him but I miss him as well. I actually just want him to be nice and not need help. It's possible also maybe I'm too messed up to leave and start again. Maybe it's just too late for some people and lots of people have much worse lives. Mine is mostly good. It's not like all the time. I need to stop rambling. I'll try to go through with the call tomorrow. I'd rather email them as I don't explain well on the phone so I'll ask them if I can. Please tell me if it's better to go to my old thread or start a new thread. I really don't want to take over here. I promise if nothing else I'll stop doing such long posts. It all falls out of me. I hope everyone else here is ok and can get through things. I'm sorry you haven't the money for the freedom programme @jess3817 it's so hard without money. I feel bad as I paid for but it's sort of his money. I hope the book helps. I have it but only read a bit so far.

@plantlife you're fine here. Email them tomorrow and let me know what happens. Get some rest.

Oh @plantlife I wouldn’t have wanted my husband arrested either, I would have taken his place, but now I’d happily put the cuffs on and drive him to the station myself!

@plantlife did you manage to get in contact today?

I'm really sorry. I couldn't. I tried but it's like almost a physical gag. I couldn't speak and hung up. I was thinking of lying and saying I had spoken..I know how frustrating I'm being but I don't want to lie. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do. I spent today pretending everything was ok but I suppose it's not really and I'm frightened about him being here. He's angry about me needing to be careful because of being at higher risk. I'm also so scared of making a final break from him particularly because of the bad experiences I've had with professionals. They didn't care at all. He may hurt me sometimes but he does also care. I'm sorry. I want to be honest because there's no chance of help otherwise but I know it will look like it's me. I can't make anyone believe me. I have spoken already anonymously to the other local place and it's been mixed experience. I don't think they can help me. The website says you can call your local office. I spoke to a really kind understanding woman a year ago but was too scared of going through with giving my details. I called a few months ago and she's left and the one I spoke to didn't sound like she cared at all. I felt like a difficult case and like I was spoilt. He actually says I am so maybe he's right. Anyway she told me I had to call an assessment number before she'd answer my questions. She said I couldn't email. I asked if she'd be able to help me find housing and she wouldn't say definitely. She said she'd talk to places but she didn't know if they'd have anywhere. I'm sorry for being so difficult. Maybe they'll help because I tried one more time and spoke to someone who sounded kind but by then I'm frightened to trust. I've had such bad experiences with other places that are meant to help. I'm sorry for rambling.

I feel like a mental block. I can't remember anything. I don't know how to explain this but it's like everything he's done has gone from my mind. I can't explain it to them because of that. I think it's partly because I spoke several times to the horrible local place giving lots of details about things during a really bad time with a lot of violence and they just didn't want to help. One time I'd mentioned really bad stuff and she said she didn't know enough about my case to say if it was DV or just him losing his temper. It made me lose my confidence to leave. I think maybe I'd find it easier to email but I think maybe it's just they haven't the resources to help and it's not their fault but I can't face asking for help again and not getting it. I'm sorry. I know I'm wasting the chance to go. I haven't been out in so long before the lockdown so it makes it all feel so hard to leave. I don't think the housing application will help because noones moving during the virus so no places will come up.

@12345kbm not good, finding it very difficult to get any alone time right now. I did manage to go out to the supermarket today, been trying since Friday to go.

You were right about the sexual promise, the gropping has ramped up over the weekend, I kept telling him no and to keep to his word. All he does is talk about sex sex sex and how he needs it. Goodness, its a BORING conversation.

His drinking is completly out of control. He has also drank all my Gin as I can not drink on the antidepressents that have been prescribed to me. (I am not taking them) According to him, I will be on them for a good few years and we cant let the Gin go to waste!

Totally kicking myself for giving in to him and going back.

I'm being very negative sorry. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. I keep worrying about the bad experiences and everything else. I think maybe without children you need more evidence of abuse. I feel so upset about my doctor although luckily I have a good one now but the old one made everything worse. I had black bruising all down my arms and went to show them in case I needed evidence. She said she didn't need to see and although I knew I should've shown her anyway it was such a hard thing to do and I lost my nerve. They seemed to believe him that everything was mental health. They said I didn't need abuse support but mental health instead. I know I need to get over it and things are better now with a better doctor. It's just that I think all the bad experiences with trying to get help maybe why I freeze whe trying to explain it properly on the phone now. It's like physical almost, and also why I'm struggling to trust. I don't do it deliberately. I'm sorry. I'll try to get the confidence back before it's too late. I thinking of emailing a national charity like women's aid but I'm scared they don't have the resources now there's the virus and extra problems to help me. I don't want to add extra pressure on them. I also think maybe I'm exaggerating the dangers. He hasn't physically injured me properly for a year now. One local place was only interested in the last three months. I'm not in as much danger as women who need immediate help. They have to prioritise them when resources are so stretched.

@seekingfreedom I'm afraid this is it for the foreseeable and it's going to escalate. Be very careful around sexual assault as he may assault you to punish you. That seems to be his form form of abuse amongst other things such as keeping a close eye on you and the emotional abuse.

What do you want to do because this is completely untenable. You can't spend your life like this.

Have you thought about looking into divorce?
Going back to you mum's?
Finding somewhere to rent?

There are ways out of this.

@plantlife can you contact the DV organisation today? Women's Aid will give you the same advice - contact your local domestic abuse organisation.

You've done a lot, you've contacted Shelter and your local council. You now need support to enable you to act on the advice and information given to you.

Let's email them today and then that's done and I'll stop going on. Sound good?

You know you must all remember that you are not alone. Hold on to the thought that someone on the other end of this internet is living in the present and they are rooting for you. The present is under your control, not the past and not the future. Take control of your present and the past will begin to stop having power over you. You only have today, please do something about it. One potentially happy day away, one hour away from control is worth all the past, trust me.

@Fightingback16 your voice is invaluable as you are the light at the end of the tunnel - escape is possible. Living a life free from abuse is possible. Thank you.

I have escaped but I must also remember that people are there for me also. It is hard letting go of the past. I need to listen to my own words, the past can only effect the present if you let it and you put sensations onto the memory. It is a long journey regaining control.

Hollie Guard App.

An idea to download this onto your phone even if you aren't in an abusive relationship. An app with an alarm that lets chosen people know your location and records audio for evidence, sending it directly to their phone. Great it you're online dating or just want people to know where you are.

You just shake or tap to activate.

They said they can't take emails. I'm really really sorry. You've tried to help and so have others on Mumsnet and you've all been so kind and I feel so bad and guilty for wasting your time and letting you all down. I know I'm not believed and because it's more than one different place it looks like it's just me being a problem or difficult case. I'm telling the truth but what can I do. There's nothing I can do about it. I feel so defeated and hopeless and despairing when I'm told my only help is my local services. I promise you I'm telling the truth about them, they didn't or won't or can't help. I feel greedy for asking for help now. I suppose anyone else in my position just has to have strength to leave without help and just try to find a refuge space and immediately leave. I'm sorry for being unable to. He locked me away and I know it's not all his fault because old doctors contributed massively to that and really helped him have more control of me and the local services helped turn me to him too, but going outside at all let alone leaving is so hard especially without any real life help. It's psychologicsl now but it wasn't when I asked them for help. He wouldn't let me get medical treatment, he also injured me, and then everything just kept getting worse. I'm sorry for all your time wasted on me.

Please believe me about my local services. I know there's nothing that can be done to help me but if there's any chance I can make it better for future women I want to try. It won't get better if it's accepted to be ok and what I'm saying about how bad it was is dismissed. Even pretend I'm telling the truth for a minute. There's no checks or anything in place to make sure they offer an ok service of help. It's not like doctors with inspections by Cqc. It's also not likely many DV victims will speak out about bad experiences with support services. Please believe me, I'm telling the truth they won't help me. I know there's nothing that can be done. If it wasn't the virus another service might've been willing to help even if I'm not in their area especially if I tried one in areas I could move to but they can't even under pressure with extra demand from the virus. This is just a very small minor example of one of my local services. I tried several times for help. It was humiliating begging a DV service for help as I don't think I should have to beg them. I only tried more than once in desperation when things were really violent. They kept saying it was mental health and call mental health services. Who told me it was DV and to call DV services. I agree with thr mental health team actually but they just kept trying to get rid of me. I'm sorry for the ramble. I feel so trapped and without anywhere to turn except posting here.

@plantlife some people who work in domestic abuse services become very jaded and short on patience. They are understaffed, underfunded and vastly oversubscribed. If you ask them for help, they offer to help and you turn down the help, they are just going to move on to the next person in a very, very long line and help them instead.

I find it strange that there is no email available. Most places have at least an admin email address for people to contact them. I imagine that the reason you have been referred to mental health services is because of your anxiety. Perhaps the thinking behind that was, once you had help with your anxiety, you would be able to act.

If you dial the number you can say something like this:

'I really need help and am not sure how to get it. I was advised to call you and ask for help and assistance in getting housed preferably outside London. My boyfriend is physically and emotionally abusive and I'm scared of him. Is there anything you can do to help? I really need support as I've called both Shelter and my local Council, I spoke to (who did you speak to) at the Housing Department (I'm not sure what dep you spoke to). I have been given information and advice but am finding it very difficult to put that into place and really need support.'

Have a list of things he's done to you in the past:

• He's physically assaulted me and threatened to kill me
• He's sexually abused me
• He calls me names and constantly criticises me
• He's posted sexual material online without my consent

I really am struggling to get away from him and have tried several times. '

If you write down what you want to say, you can refer to that when you talk. I know it's hard but you have to do something. You can contact them today now and speak to them.

Go on plantlife. It's just a phone call.

And don’t worry about your mental health @plantlife we are all a bit f**ked up, not very many people can say they are 100% perfect. I’ve been terrified of my mental health mostly because he focused on it. Now I just think oh well so what if I’m little crazy, so be it, adds to my character!

I'm so sorry. You sound like such a wonderful kind person and what you're doing, trying to help people makes me feel better about the world, that there are some nice kind people in the world.

They didn't offer to help. That's the problem. The place that said they didn't have facility for me to email. I didn't believe her but I guessed she just didn't want to help. I think she was the opposite of jaded. She sounded young and like this was just a job to her, a way of not being unemployed. A kind lady there offered to help but she'd left (retired or new job, I guess) when I called back. I actually tried to speak to her sooner but they wouldn't put me through to her for some reason. Maybe she left because it wasn't a good place to work.

Please don't misunderstand me. I've spoken anonymously to quite a few places over the years and most do sound like they care and want to help (even if they haven't the resources) but I can tell when the few who shouldn't be in that job. Please believe me. I've told them very similar to what you wrote and she said she couldn't help with me leaving London. I don't know if she was lying or not. I think maybe because they're so underfunded they have to prioritise and they cover an area with gang crime and I've read there's a lot of DV with gangs. They probably see me as not being as in need. They're right actually. Someone in that situation especially with young children is a priority.

The other local place was worse. I think what happened is the woman I saw didn't do her job properly and threw me under the bus to save herself? She didn't know I didn't have children when she first didn't help. For all I know she's been like that and not helped when children are at risk too. Maybe she was just not a nice person. She really isn't. I asked for help. I had photos and recordings to show her. She told me to just call the police and she didn't help with housing. She said I'd just have to find somewhere to rent like thousands of other women. I tried again and another woman told me they couldn't give me a refuge space just in case something happened. I was physically in a very bad way with no money at all at that stage. She told me other women manage to get to refuge with terrible injures. Implied she didn't believe me. I have money set aside now for travel but I had not a penny then.

The mental health thing was when my old doctor referred me to a DV worker. She called me when I was about to go outside. It was the first time in days my health was ok enough to do that. I explained and asked if I could speak the next day as I'd feel too drained and stressed to go out after giving details of abuse. She then said it sounded like mental health and I didn't need her help. She contacted my GP surgery without telling me and told them it was anxiety rather than abuse. She did it through the general admin so they all knew even though the GP had said it would stay confidential and on a different part of my medical records. I tried her one last time a few months later. She was out but then called back when he was with me. I didn't answer and she left a voicemail with her office name. He could've heard that. She hadn't asked if it was safe.

Sorry. I need to go away. My posts are too long and rambling. I'm sorry. I'll try to calmly think what to do.

There's a lot of info here for those looking to work on their mental health whilst being abused or after having been abused. Do not underestimate the devastating effect of domestic abuse on your mental health.

You may also find apps helpful.

You can self refer to mental health services but I always recommend your local domestic abuse organisation as a first point of call, as they may offer help specifically designed for recovery from domestic abuse.

Am internet search may help as well, type in 'domestic abuse help counselling trauma help' something like that and see what comes up.

There are organisations that offer free counselling for domestic abuse survivors like the Women's Trust in London. See what's available in your area.

If you can afford it, try BACP or UKCP for a therapist. Online and phone therapy is available during the lockdown and some therapists offer therapy on a sliding scale.

Other ways of accessing therapy is via training schools. Students often need a certain amount of hours to go towards their certification.

@plantlife I'm sorry you've been so badly let down and I apologise if I've inadvertently upset you. I know how much you are struggling so please don't see what I'm saying as in any way dismissive.

You have the details you need to get local support so it's up to you to access that support when you feel ready.

You also have the details of Shelter for more info should you need it. You can also find somewhere to rent, renting properties is allowed under lockdown with remote viewing online being offered by some places.

I hope you find a solution that works for you.