For those on lockdown with an abuser

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Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

At the moment I can physically leave but it is true I couldn't before. I wish I felt safe enough to say what the problems are then hopefully people would understand. I know he'd recognise me already by what I've said but hopefully he won't look here. I can't risk saying in case other people, people who know me or him see it. I know I was too scared for ages but it's genuine about my physical health. I'm not making it up. Sorry I'm so upset but the main reason it got so bad us because I wasn't believed. I was at first scared about ground floor. I never used to be but after all the violence it's made me more scared of things and ground floor is easier for break ins and for him if he ever found me. Anyway after I panicked I was going to go. They changed the date and I missed it. The other one I missed he was off work. I couldn't go without him being suspicious. The last one I missed was just before the lockdown. I don't understand why it's wrong to not want to share bathroom when I'm scared of people and when rough sleepers are given self contained because of the virus risk. I'm sorry about this. Maybe I'm being stupid but I can't help it. I don't care if he kills me quickly. I only worry about him giving me the virus and then being awful to me when I'm really ill and maybe dying in a slow painful way. I'm sorry. He won't kill me directly anyway.

You are at far less risk from sharing a bathroom than living with an abuser.
You don’t care if he kills you quickly? Thats some seriously disordered thinking. Life has so much to offer you. You just need to take it.

I'm sorry if it sounds awful. I don't want to die but if I have to I want the least painful and quickest way. The virus would be a worse way of dying. I'm at high risk from the virus and even the government thinks sharing bathrooms is dangerous as they put rough sleepers in self contained (I'm glad they did). I'm sorry. I don't want to upset you. You've tried to help but the government won't help enough and I'm sorry for upsetting people but maybe at least even if I can't save myself I can help change it for other people. That's why I originally posted on this thread. Please don't be upset or angry. I'll sort something out. It's possible I'm too messed up now to leave and rebuild my life but whilst I'm still able to I want to try to help other women. Your kindness is so much appreciated. I'm sorry for upsetting you.

It must be really difficult for you @plantlife to deal with your husband and the virus, it’s two very scary things to have in your mind. I’d suggest you go and run yourself a bath and stop thinking about any of it for a while. If you are safe for today then give it a break. If you are completely against going during the virus and you are happy to take the risk of your husband then maybe you just need to take the risk and wait until it’s passed then go. Do not stay and convince yourself that he isn’t dangerous, just accept you will go when this is over. I think you are thinking yourself into a corner.

You say yourself you’re not in the extremely vulnerable group.
The main thing that’s stopping you being safe and even happy is your poor mental health and lack of clarity of thought.
The only person who can change your life is you. Not the government. Not us. You.

I'm sorry I shouldn't post when I'm upset and I'm going to make you angry but it doesn't matter I suppose anymore. It's not all me or mental health. Hundreds of people in my borough have died from the virus. I've seen people on Mumsnet say the government didn't put lots of the most vulnerable on that list. I checked it myself on the official information and it's true. The official figures show I'm at very high risk of dying from it. Anyway I might actually have two reasons to be on that list but never got my follow up procedures and tests done because of everything. I am so frightened but not of the unknown. It's the known. I've been in bad housing and sharing with what some people see as scary people but at the time I wasn't that scared of them because I wasn't as vulnerable but the actual bad housing made me suicidal in the end. It's a big reason why I probably ignored red flags with him because I was desperate to get away from that.

It's not ok to go from one unsafe situation to another. Why do other threads and occasionally media articles and women's aid and refuge in their campaigns say some women are put in unsuitable housing or homeless if it's just me saying it. Victims without dependent children are sometimes put in mixed sex hostels including with men who have been violent to other people. I don't think it's mental health issues to not want that. It's maybe not worse but it's not better than my situation.

I don't want to stay and be at risk here. If I get the virus he can do what he wants to me because I'd be helpless. I don't know what to do I want to be safe but I can't make that happen. If I was physically well I'd have looked for a live-in job before the virus but I'm not. I genuinely was finally ready mentally to try to leave and was then physically unable to leave. I then did call lots of refuges and either couldn't get through or places were gone. I have tried. Maybe not hard enough but it's hard to have the strength. I had to fight to get health treatment at the same time. I suppose I sound self-pitying and I probably am but it's also not just me it happens to. Other women also and it won't ever get better if it's not spoken about. The DV charities always say it themselves in their fundraising campaigns so they must know I'm telling the truth.

I don't even know if there's any places in a shared refuge. I want to be strong enough to try that. Not a mixed sex hostel but a proper refuge. That's actually what I meant on my first post today. I don't think anywhere has places. They were saying they're struggling with demand.

I'm really sorry for such a long rambling post. I'm sorry for being overemotional too. I'm trying to calm down and be stronger. I admit it's also major fear so sort of mental health barrier but I really genuinely have tried several times to overcome that fear and take the risk but each time I tried something went wrong. I walked into the local charity a few years ago. I was so scared but wanted help. I brought evidence with me but never even had a chance to show them as they told me to just call the police and said they don't help with housing. I've tried all those other times and it's always gone wrong. I promise I hadn't given up. I'm so scared but was trying to will myself to take the risks. It helped venting the fears here to sort of get them out but then the virus happened. It's really not an excuse. The other threads on Mumsnet are saying the UK has a very high death rate. It's been thousands in London. Even the prime minister nearly died.

I promise I was mentally preparing myself to deal with a shared refuge. I called some just before the lockdown but places were gone. I promise if it wasn't for the virus I'd take the risk and try to deal with fears of other people and sharing and the painful shame of being not normal in a refuge when most women particularly my age are mothers. I partly put off trying to leave in winter because of just normal viruses like colds or flu or norovirus and the risks with shared bathroom. I admit that's mental health.

Anyway sorry. Please don't be upset or angry. Other women might read the threads and unlike me use your help and advice and leave so your kindness probably helps lots of people.

I'm sorry for posting so much. I wanted to help others so they don't end up like me.

I'm sorry again. I didn't mean to be so upset. It's just he tries to say everything is mental health, like when he'd been violent bit the police thought it was me being mental, so it's a sensitive issue. I'm sorry.

Anyway just in case I take the risk, does anyone know honestly if I'd get a place shared or not in a refuge. I don't suppose anyone can say for sure. The virus has made it all much harder but there's nothing anyone can do about it. They're saying they're struggling to cope with demand and if they can't find all women spaces they understandably have to prioritise when there's children. I'll go away now. I don't want to take over and stop others posting. Please don't be put off anyone else. I'll stop taking over the thread so please post and get help. Don't be put off by my issues either. My bad experiences are not like that for most people. There's really nice and kind charities out there. My local one is an exception. I rang several others just in London and they sounded very kind. They can't help me because of not being in their catchment but just to let you know most are good even if you're in London too. I obviously was upset because I've messed up my name change so I'm definitely gonna away.

So much of your issues are your MH. And I bet that would be a whole lot better when you’re away from him.
You’re so scared of people. He’s done that.
You think you’re so vulnerable. He’s done that.
You think you can’t cope without him. He’s done that.
You’re worried about making us angry or upset. That’s not how normal people are. Normal people care. They want you to be well, healthy and happy. They won’t go off on one because you say how you feel.
You need to get away. Plan for it. Do the freedom programme. Then get some RL help to try and undo the damage he’s done. (And your parents did) That way lies a MUCH better life.

It’s called forced helplessness, you are not as helpless as you think. They keep you in this vulnerable and helpless state because you are easy to control. The reason you are at odds with yourself is because those mental barriers were placed by someone else, you are not helpless!

@plantlife I completely understand what you're saying and no one is angry with you.

You have experience of not having somewhere suitable to live and that's crap. You don't want to experience that again. You don't want to go somewhere unsafe, where you could end up sharing with potentially dangerous people or sharing facilities where you may end up with the virus.

You also want to stay with your abuser as that's what you know and he doesn't hit you 'that much' and that's better than being homeless.

His behaviour will escalate so perhaps there's a way through this where you don't end up dead or mutilated, either from him or the virus.

You can make some calls on Monday plantlife and find yourself either a refuge space or temporary housing from the council. The Domestic Abuse organisation will hopefully support you and advocate for you.
You obviously don't want to stay and you need someone to support you to leave so please phone the other domestic abuse organisation and get some support.

Revenge Porn has surged since the lockdown began. Here's some info on what to do and who to contact if you are the victim of revenge porn.

1. Take screenshots for evidence.
2. Report to the service provider. Social Media can remove videos and photos quickly and have strict guidelines.
3. For larger porn sites such as Pornhub, report to the Revenge Porn Hotline who can help get them removed.
4. You can also use the Google 'right to be forgotten' which removes material from searches.

If you want to take it down the legal route:

Across England, Wales and Scotland, revenge porn is a specific criminal offence. In Northern Ireland, it's due to become law.

It's described as "the sharing of private, sexual materials, either photos or videos, of another person without their consent and with the purpose of causing embarrassment or distress".

The offence covers photos or videos showing people engaged in sexual activity which would not usually be done in public, or with their genitals, buttocks or breasts exposed or covered only with underwear.

It includes sharing the material as well as posting it online.

In England and Wales, the maximum punishment is two years in prison - in Scotland, it's five years.

There is more info here.

I just wanted to thank you all for your kindness. I'm really sorry I got so upset last night. I want to be safe and maybe have a better life if that's possible although I feel bad and almost greedy saying that. I've got so much more than lots of people and much safer than some people will ever be. So much conflicting emotions and I'm frightened about the options and scared to trust the charities after it went wrong before. The revenge porn thing I hope this may help someone else. Don't tell your partner or husband if you find out about it. He did it to me but he's deleted what he has so there's no evidence but a helpline warned me other people may have already downloaded or saved it. I don't want to make him sound really bad. I don't think he realised it was wrong. He didn't do it to hurt me. He was showing off to other men. I didn't know he'd even taken photos for ages. He wasn't deliberately being nasty but I suppose it's not that much respect for me maybe if he didn't tell me. Anyway sorry again for taking over this thread. I don't want to put off others from posting. Maybe I should go to my old thread or start a new one so other people don't feel it's not for them here? Thank you again for being so nice. I'll try to go through with things like calls Monday. I suppose I'm having a nice break from it all and maybe it feels less bad than it is. I don't know. I really hope you're ok @Fightingback16 and your husband has left you alone.

I didnt come back after my first post. I didnt leave straight away but it got worse and my friend paid £120 for a taxi to get me to hers.

I've had zoflora sprayed in my mouth, I've been kicked into a wall and this person is still making police reports about me.

I'm out of area so I havent got to worry about the inept attitude of my previous local police force. They cant just turn up here and if they do and want to find me they will have to ring me to find me.

They can fuck off quite frankly.

They wanted to talk to me 2 days ago apparently but havent bothered calling even though I've left messages.

Ex has begged me to come back and now gone back to painting me as an abuser and has made some more reports calling me a transphobe.

It's getting easier because every time they do it it knocks down the bit of pining that builds up and I go back to loving being away from it.

@Mylittlepinkiepie that’s great news that you left and you can see the ridiculousness of him. @plantlife yep he has left me alone. A few months ago I really thought he would have tried harder to get to me and her but I’m accepting that really he never loved us at all. He put up with us if we aligned with his needs.

@Mylittlepinkiepie well done for getting away. I know how hard that is. Do you need help on what to do long term or are you in contact with people supporting you?

Keep all text messages, emails etc as evidence against your ex. Divert his calls to 'message only' so you have messages as evidence.

I do suggest you talk to the police for the crime reference and it helps build evidence, even if you think it's pointless now, it may not be in the long run.

If he continues to harass you, contact the National Stalking Helpline who can talk through your options and how to stay safe: 0808 802 0300

For housing advice give Shelter a call or you can chat to them on their website. They're busy so keep trying. You can also present as homeless to your current LA. It might be an idea to contact their Housing Office if you can or their HPU (homeless persons unit).

@plantlife it's unbelievable that he took photos of you and posted them online. I have a less than favourable impression of him than you.

Plan for tomorrow - contact the other DV organisation. Just a phone call and we'll take it from there. You don't have to do anything else. You don't have to leave immediately, nothing will change for you. It's just a call. Be clear about why you're calling, you want help and support on housing. Your boyfriend is abusive and he's not there right now because of the lockdown, so you need help with finding alternative housing before it ends.

Have a pen and paper with you for the call in case you need to write anything down. Let them know you've already called the council and give them any names you have of who you've spoken to. Just so they don't repeat stuff you've already done.

Let me know what they say tomorrow. I know you can make this call plantlife. Deep breaths.

@Mylittlepinkiepie also, it's really common for perpetrators to claim to be victims. Since he's made complaints about you to the police, it would be good if you contacted your local DV organisation as they can help advocate for you. You can find it here. Other organisations to contact would be Rights of Women for legal advice.

@plantlife you aren’t making him sound really bad. He IS really bad.

Bump

I'm in contact with the police force local tot he area I was living with him. I sent them round again this morning due to ex telling me he was going to cut himself and take all of his tablets

Hes told me the police understand his behaviour now hes shown them our conversation (one part where I sent some old pics of us and said that was all I had left of the person I met... even tho they're pics he made me keep and has copies of himself). Claims he put a knife to his throat and then gave it the officers. I've sent them screenshots of this and asked why no body has considered sectioning him if hes doing that in front of officers.

I've said I'm sure they do understand but they also understand my point of view too.

I dont actually want anything bad to happen to him I just want him to move on whether as a man or a woman and get help. No one should go through what I've been through trying to put another person back together. I do know for a fact he was genuinely and seriously abused but I cant spend my life paying for other peoples crimes. And that's literally what I'm doing.

He is a victim through and through and so are his kids. I've lived every day the last year made to tread on eggshells around them all. The youngest two treat me like shit because they see their dad do it. Especially the youngest. She scratches, kicks and hits me, threatens to bite me, urinates on my things like a dog, will chew up food she doesnt like and spit it all over my hair extensions (I suffer with trichotillomania and wearing extensions keeps me from pulling ny own hair it's the only thing that's ever stopped me, its severe enough that I ripped out literally half my hair once in the space of an hour).

The middle one he makes out to be the victim of all victims. Sue is also "allergic to gluten" (as diagnosed on a spur of the moment thought by and of himself) now because she claimed a cake felt sticky in her throat (but the half a 14 inch pizza must have magical special gluten in as she can neck half of one perfectly fine).

They are grossly overweight and utterly violent with food. The youngest girl is a year younger than my youngest boy and the girl is 4 times his size and will patrol food and body barge him out of the way. She isnt toilet trained. No bladder issues. Eldest (8) is also not dry at night because of similar negligence. Youngest is allowed to act like a full on baby. Rips off a full nappy and leaves them on pillows, beds, I have witnessed this child wipe her piss wet backside on my mattress. She rolls around like a 4 month old baby sticking her feet in your face and mouth and will kick out if you dont pay attention.

The middle one is shaping up to be as good a manipulator and liar as her dad. I've never been gas lighted by a 7 year old. Nevermind one who then stands smirking g while her dad backs up her lies.

I cannot believe I've put up with this alone. That's without all his extra shit on top.

Still playing victim this morning. I sent a friend a message too who's been round and been told all about how I'm always accusing them of cheating (only after being accused myself for weeks when I start asking if they're projecting) and they have nothing etc (I have less... I left with a change of clothes. He has everything i helped work for laptops phones etc.)

I havent contacted anyone relevant yet no. I'm at my friends and by chance there could be a flat coming available under her which would be perfect it's my favourite city and my daughter lives 20 minutes way, my mum 25 minutes away and my brother is 4 miles away.

If the police involve themselves with me further I have a LOT to back my story up. I have a background recorder on my phone and hours and hours of that. Not all of it shows me in the best light but it has a lot more context than his clips that he shows off after hes baited me for hours (obviously denies this).

I get my pip money tuesday so I'm mooching off my friend until then but I feel fine. Had plenty of gin the last two nights. Didnt sleep last night due to the suicide thing so gonna doze a bit then speak to my kids. They dont know I've gone yet, their dad does.

I dont think they will mind. My middle son had started noticing I'm upset and crying a lot. I did tell him I probably wouldnt stay with my partner forever because people shouldnt be sad all the time.

My son saw me and his dad make each other miserable and that was bad enough without either of us being abusive. His dad has a brilliant partner now. My kids shouldnt have to see their mum crying all the time and then listen to how much of a victim the people doing it are.

@Mylittlepinkiepie that sounds like a very traumatic experience for you. I really hope the flat works out but if not you have the details above on who to contact regarding accommodation.

I would block him now if you have plenty of evidence. You just don't need that in your life.

I would contact Social Services regarding the children as they sound like they are really suffering and need to be removed from his care. Go to the council website of your previous address and look for Child Social Services, call them and make an anonymous report (you may be able to report online or via email) and tell them everything you've written here as it sounds very disturbing.

I'm sorry to hear about your trichotillomania and am wondering if you've received any help with that. CBT can be helpful as can medication. If you contact Anxiety UK, they have cheap CBT (and hypnosis and acupuncture for after lockdown, obviously). If you are on a low income or benefits it's £15 a session and they do sessions online. You may find that helpful until you can see your GP. There is more info here.

I understand that you don't want anything bad to happen to him but you may change your mind. It's sounds like you've been in a very dysfunctional situation for a long time and are going to need help with that. The strong pull you feel towards him is 'trauma bonding' and it's like a drug. It takes a while to come down and fully come back to yourself and you may need help with that. Your local DV organisation (details above) may have free counselling or other forms of help available such as the Freedom Programme, which can help you process it.

You've been through a lot. Be kind to yourself, it's a lot to take in. Don't go back to him, it'll be more of the same and worse - no one needs that in their life. Look after yourself. There's a whole lot of life out there for you to live.

@jess3817 how are you doing?

@seekingfreedom how are things?

Hiya - so sorry I haven't got back to you all before now, just been busy with the kids. Am a bit tired today as the nieghbours randomly had music on til 130 am this morning -hoping it was a one off, am shattered . Will catch up with what I've not read and I get back to you later.
Thanks for checking on me. X