For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

@Dire welcome and thank you for sharing, I know how hard that must have been to write.

It sounds as though your relationship is emotionally abusive at best. Your relationship is over I'm sorry to say and abuse often escalates.

I suggest you contact the National Helpline 0808 2000 247, have a chat about what's going on and discuss your options and take it from there.

You'll probably notice that there is a 'honeymoon' period after this which is part of the abuse cycle. You can read more about that on the first page. He'll be contrite, apologetic perhaps and there may be a good period but the tension will build again.

Please use the thread to vent, ask for advice and support. You're always welcome.

@12345kbm I am ok - currently working but have access to this webpage. Thankfully he is at work tonight so I only have 30 minutes with him once I finish for the day (I have my own office in the house). Will update later tonight. X

@seekingfreedom thank you for letting us know you're ok. I appreciate it.

I read today that a Family Law Barrister is offering free help to domestic abuse survivors during the lockdown. You can contact him for more info here.

For those in Hampshire, there is a new domestic abuse helpline: Aurora New Dawn 023 9421 6816 This is a 24/7 number for the duration of the lockdown.

Posting on here means that your gut instinct tells you that something is wrong. If you are not being treated with love, care and concern and with kind and thoughtful consideration then you are not in a healthy relationship and neither are your DC.

Do not keep a secret even if you are so beaten down emotionally or physically.

Step 1 is to admit to yourself is what is going on. Step 2 is to write it down here. Step 3 is to act on the advice in some small way because tiny baby steps lead in the right direction.
It doesn't even matter if you take 2 steps back and 1 step forward or step forward and back, forward and back.

The fact that you have a tiny spark, flicker or a flame or a roaring fire that wants better for yourself and those closest to you ( even a cherished pet!) Means that you have hope and all you need to do to take those steps to lead you out of the nightmare and to peace is hope and the strength and support of others.

If you don't have a dream, how can a dream come true.

Thank you @12345kbm. It just feels like a weight has been lifted just being able to tell someone some of this. Even if it is only offloading on an anonymous forum. And I am well aware of the 'honeymoon' period. God knows I've experienced it many times, but I've always caved. It's difficult when you love them. But it feels different this time, like the scales are beginning to fall.

It is mainly emotional abuse I feel, although that in itself is difficult to acknowledge as I often doubt myself. Recently it has involved telling me how I'm a horrible DM and I should change my attitude then maybe he and the DC will like me. Also there's been a bit of upset in the extended family and he has used that to berate me, for caring or being upset, when I should be concentrating on him and the DC. He also has had several recent periods of ignoring me, the last one was for 4 days. In previous years, he would use a teenage sexual assault as a stick to beat me with.

There has been a very small amount of physical violence over the years, mainly the odd push here and there. Very rare. He has also pinned me up against the wall with my throat once, but that was years ago and only the once.

He does have instances though were he will occasionally make it out like he's about to be physically violent, through his posture and body language. But he doesn't, it's just to intimidate me I think. E.g he will square his shoulders, tower above me and clench his fist. On one occasion he slowly and very deliberately walked around the house while I ran in fear, slapping a folded belt in his hand. Purposely giving me the impression that he was coming to hit me with it, although he never did. Again that was only once, years ago.

He has also raped me. But again it was once and years ago.

I know I probably sound like I'm making excuses for him with all this 'only once'. Perhaps I am. I'm not trying to. I know the things he has done are awful and his attitude towards me hurts. But he does also have nice bits. And when he smiles and is kind I can't help but feel guilty for any resentment I may feel. Also I don't feel that I can leave because of past violence, when I made the choice to stay and there hasn't been any in years. I know technically I don't need any reason, but I struggle to apply that to myself. I feel a lot of shame and if I'm honest, I am terrified of starting over and becoming a single parent.

I guess I'm just venting and will probably only lurk after this post while I try to catch up with the rest of the thread.

@Dire I'm really sorry to hear about both the teenage sexual abuse and the later rape. It's really brave of you to share and I'm glad you feel unburdened.

It sounds as though you've been in quite an abusive relationship for a long time. You sound very self aware and I think most survivors (and that's what you are doing, surviving) live in two discordant realities; aware that they are being abused but also feeling love for their abuser and afraid of what the future holds without them. That's absolutely normal.

The rest of what you describe is intimidation and coercive control. He doesn't need to rape or hit you, just threat and intimidate you. Please remember that he knows what he's doing and it's enough to keep you in the relationship and under control but not too much so that you leave.

Leaving an abusive relationship is a process, not an event. It seems as though you are on the path towards freedom and beginning to see the reality of the situation which can be overwhelming. It's natural to take a few steps forward then stop, then a few steps. You've take the first step in reaching out and sharing your experience.

The support is there when you're ready and please don't feel shame as you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

@12345kbm - evening to myself now I have the little one in bed and he is at work. I have just packed a bag. Few clothes, passports, birth certificate for son, need to find my marriage certificate. I sort all the financial stuff out so I have passwords/login details already. Not sure what else I need. I'm not sure whether to go to my mums and tell her everything (though I feel like im not ready for that, she is very judgemental and we do class abit) or go to a refuge. I do think my mums will be better overall.

I know this sounds so stupid, but how do i actually leave? If I tell him, it would lead to a massive argument, most likely violence and our son would witness it. If I went when he was at work, I would still get the anger and the argument but I wont be in the firing line, it would be over the phone.

I'm answering you now, bear with me.

You can do this in several ways.

However you do it, I would apply for a Non Molestation Order based on the sexual assault this morning. You can contact the NCDV (if you're in England, I don't know where you are and laws vary) for an emergency injunction now. 0800 970 2070

An Occupation Order means he will be removed from the premises and you can remain in the family home.

One way of going about this is to apply for both injunctions and go to a refuge or your mum's until they are served then go back to the family home.

A Non Molestation Order is from 6-12 months and is an arrestable offence, meaning that if he comes near you or does anything to breach the order, he should be arrested. You can read more about both orders here.

My advice is to get away and then sort out the injunctions, either way you're safe.

Going to your mum's is certainly the least disruptive way at the moment. However, a refuge is safer. Perhaps contact the National phoneline and have a chat or again, the NCDV can advise.

Well done! I'm so proud of you. Make sure you pack items of sentimental value in case he destroys them such as photos and mementos.

To answer how to leave.You don't tell him, you go.

Divert his number to phone message only so you have evidence of abuse or threats. You don't have to speak to him and you certainly won't have to once the injunctions are served.

All you brave people on here I wish you the best

What I learned from my escape with a 7 week old

Do not tell him your plans

Make it seem like you are ok

He will ring your family - warm them in advance

Block him ASAP when you go

If he begs and pleads ignore

When they threathen to kill themselves it's another tactic - if you really are concerned police can do welfare checks

When they say SS wil come after you , police will get you for abduction IGNORE
They all use that one

Run as fast as you can and never look back

WA are v busy right now
If you have a plan and means to do it then go as WA may not get back to you ASAP

@12345kbm can i apply for those orders when i am not in the property? I did not know that, that would be perfect for me. How long do they normally take to be granted? (I live in England)

I think I will be safe at my mums overall, esp for my little boy, he has his own bedroom there (use to stay over every week before he started school) and toys, he wont really question why we are staying there. He would question a refuge though.

I am going to read up on those orders now, thankyou so much for your help.

Yes you can apply for them when out of the property. I suggest you go to your mum's as soon as you've packed (see the safety plan on the first page for ideas on what to take) and go. Then contact the NCDV who are very good, for advice on an Emergency Injunction. If the NCDV are busy and you can't get through, try DV Assist on 0800 195 8699 who also do free injunctions.

Once you're at your mum's place, you can then contact your local DV organisation and get real life advice and support. Details on the first page of this thread.

The pp is right, he may threaten all sorts of things. A common one is suicide. It's a common manipulation tactic by abusers. If you're worried then contact the police for a welfare check but do not get sucked back in.

They also threaten to take your children etc You can contact Rights of Women for free legal advice or speak to your local DV organisation to advise on that.

However, right now, your priority is to get out and to a place of safety. You're being so brave.

@looondonn thankyou. He doesn't have any family numbers (in fact he HATES my family and has nothing to do with them, the amount of family things I have missed because of him over the years and all the excuses I have had to make - I cant wait to see them when ever I want).

I will block his number and his family, they are bound to call. I have already semi blocked them from social media (where they cant see my posts unless they go onto my profile) but I will totally block once I have left.

He will beg and plea and will threaten killing himself as he has already threatened that.

Are you safe and well now? So brave with a 7 month old. xx

So so brave

Be prepared it’s going to get ugly with the tactics after, I wish I had been prepared! No contact, block block block, stop all the ways he feeds you, you really don’t need to read a single thing. Don’t believe a single word he says but be aware and ready to call the police if so much as turns up at your door if he knows the address.

@Fightingback16 thankyou, yes, he thinks our relationship is all nice and rosey. The fact is, I have just agreed to all sorts these last two weeks just to keep the peace - ie, he wants to cycle around some parts of America - not my sort of holiday but I agreed (knowing I will be leaving him) and life was a little easier. Tonight on the phone he told me how happy he is (because I am agreeing to most things he wants to change in the house - food budget, holidays, decoration etc) and how much 'better' our relationship is..............makes me feel a tiny little bit guilty but then I remember, I shouldnt have to agree to do something I do not want to do just to make him happy. I need to be happy for ME and that is why I will be leaving.

I have also just emailed the police station. Reported what he did this morning against the crime reference number i already have, thought why not, it is something else 'on paper' it can not do any harm to report it.

I am taking back control.

I can not thank this thread enough for all your help.

Yep mine thought if “I” went for a little bit of counselling it would all be perfect.....now it sounds absolutely ridiculous, at the time I gave it a good thinking about. It’s crazy, they are so flawed!

@fightingback16 - yes! He wanted me to see a hypotheses (?) to make me into the sex machine he wants me to be. I had to contact the lady to explain my situation. She was really nice and said it is so common for men to send their wives to be 'fixed' when really the cure is to leave the abusive household. Unbelievable.

I should probably calm down and not say anything. I'm definitely my own worst enemy because I can't help myself. I got confidence back to an extent, probably too much actually. Anyway back to earth with a bump. This is exactly why I don't trust the charities with my details. I contacted one online last week. They're all saying they have health and safety policies in place for the virus. I said I was at higher risk and asked what the policies were including in refuges. They didn't answer. Just saw their reply. I feel bad to post about it and know they'll hate me if they find out about this so I'm making things worse for myself but I can't help expressing the upset. It feels like my previous experiences. I might be oversensitive. I understand they might not be able to help me in my particular circumstances. I just expected a proper reply, not ignoring my question. I accept they may not be able to help because spaces are extremely limited as it is and needing to self isolate is a bit too much to ask for when they're underfunded and overwhelmed. I just wish they'd said instead of not answering. I know I'm probably being irrational.

Just to add. I did once give my details. Started doing the risk assessment but my phone battery ran out. They had my name, address, phone number and I'd told them he'd threatened to kill me. If they were that concerned surely they'd have done something or contacted me? I'm not the highest risk and obviously not as he didn't kill me. I'm obviously also safe in lockdown. I think I'll just see what happens next, with the virus, lockdown, him, the housing application, and take it from there. I think I may prefer what I know at this stage. I feel more scared of people in the outside world. He's been there for me when other non DV professionals have let me down. I need that. I think all the bad stuff is in the past. I got too caught up in it. I'm sorry for giving the wrong impression and wasting so much of people's time. Anyway sorry for the rant. I hope more funding and help happens soon for women who can't stay. I'm in a better position than them.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/domestic-violence-victims-refuges-accommodation-funding-legal-duty-a8910646.html

While you are planning your escape or in a position where you cannot leave for whatever reason, please use the time to post on here or email the police domestic abuse department a time line of what you have experienced, no matter how small or insignificant, and no matter how far back.

Many women downplay threats of violence and it would be good to see what, and how much, you have suffered over the years because it might help others who are not able to post, recognise such patterns of mistreatment. So please let us know what has happened to you even if you think those incidences are in the past and you no longer feel in danger now.

Every single incident where you felt threatened or intimidated or in fear counts.

Priti Patel has just been given the figures for calls to domestic abuse helplines and is making more money available. Do you see how important making those calls is? Please call or email your police domestic abuse department because they have the resources to help you even if a charity helpline is busy.

The more people ring and ask for help the more resources and support will be put in place. It is as simple as that.

Please do not keep your abuser's secret. Document everything. It is valuable evidence. Please never think you are not worth helping. You are. Women who have suffered years of hell often know no other way and their self esteem and spirit is broken.

Please start posting on here what you have been through and then later you can email it to the domestic abuse department. It's a step. We are all here for you. None of us are going away.

Some people who are reading this will have social worker and police and lawyer and doctor and psychiatrist and NHS and teacher roles and experience and every one of those professions have suffered domestic abuse and also stay at home mums and all jobs and professions in between. Sometimes women can't imagine how they got into that position as they used to be so independent and are often very successful in their professional life so find what they are suffering at home difficult to admit even to themselves and often have the facade of a perfect life.

Please start the process of opening up what has happened to you. Your bravery is going to help so many others. Let's find the true story of what happens behind closed doors. Let's be the generation which turns the tide.

No more secrets.

@seekingfreedom your husband sounds exact like mine. He wanted me to get fixed also, he believed it would solve everything. He say to me, why can’t you just f**k me like a normal women. He said he’d stop shouting if I did my duty properly. I never really understand till now that it was because a) I couldn’t stand him and b) when you can’t express feelings of anger for so long it also effects feelings of joy and intimacy. I thought I had a problem because I couldn’t feel intimate at all, he convinced me I had a problem. The only way I was going to be fixed was to go back in time and meet a normal loving man. It makes me feel sick to think I complied for so many years, he watched so much porn, he continuously dry humped me, he could never just cuddle, he was disgusting!