For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

Thank you @12345kbm I know perhaps I shouldn't go on threads that upset me but it's like I can't help myself. It's helpful in a way as it's helping me revise my options and hopefully push me to think about other more doable options. I know part of the reason I'm being so vocal is in case I don't make it through the pandemic. I'm not being completely defeatist, trying to stay hopeful but I think I have to accept there's a chance I've left it too late to leave. Just in case of that, I want to speak out about issues, and try to help others whilst I still can.

@plantlife you haven't left it too late; as long as you have breath, it's not too late. It's nice to see you advise people and try to help.

plantlife thanks. I really hope that is the case with the DWP but I'd be very surprised. I stupidly got myself into this situation by being fixated on getting onto the property ladder. It would have been so much easier to leave when we were renting. I can't work out what's real or reasonable any more. He thinks our older daughter is lying and I'm stupid to believe her. I'm just worn down and tired and don't really want to do any of it anymore.

Dh had one of the dc in bed beside me in tears last night because of the way he had been speaking to them. I’m over it(I’m banned from saying this to dh).
I’m safe from physical violence but otherwise he’s making our lives a living hell. Going to take the dc out for a walk today while he’s working from home. As far as he’s concerned he’s never hit me so he couldn’t possibly be abusive. A few months ago he got right in my face and started yelling at me because I’d dared asking if he’d left an item of dc’s clean clothes on the floor.
That was my fault too apparently.
If I’m being completely honest I’ve never felt so alone in my life.

@Idontkowmyname I'm awake and I'm here if you want to talk. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Do you want to tell me more of what's going on?

It’s all a bit of a mess to be honest, I have no money to call my own everything is in his personal bank account, I just feel so bloody trapped. Can’t sell our home as once we paid off the bank we’d be left with nothing. In fact, potentially negative equity if it was to be sold this year due to the unfolding pandemic.
Being stuck in the house with him 24/7 is hell. I find myself pausing before I say anything to make sure I find the right words so I don’t offend him or just so i can say something before I get shot down. Other times, I just don’t bother opening my mouth as it’s not worth it. And I’m no wallflower, spent time in performing arts as a youth, was course representative at uni for multiple years, even professionally I was in a role where I needed to be very outspoken.
I’m starting to learn that in the great scheme of things I don’t really matter to anyone. I just need to hold onto the fact that I have my wonderful dc out of this whole mess.

@12345kbm are you ok given you are also awake at “silly o’clock”

@Idontkowmyname it's kind of you but please don't worry. I'm on the sofa as I'm decorating my bedroom and keep waking up.

It’s all a bit of a mess to be honest, I have no money to call my own everything is in his personal bank account, I just feel so bloody trapped. Can’t sell our home as once we paid off the bank we’d be left with nothing. In fact, potentially negative equity if it was to be sold this year due to the unfolding pandemic.

That must be very difficult, I'm sorry to hear that. No wonder you're concerned.

Being stuck in the house with him 24/7 is hell. I find myself pausing before I say anything to make sure I find the right words so I don’t offend him or just so i can say something before I get shot down.

That sounds awful. To tell you the truth, I don't think there's anything you can say that wouldn't offend him. Nothing you're saying is wrong or offensive, he's abusive. There's a section in one of the DV books (can't remember which at the moment) and a woman is testing how her abuser operates. It goes something like this:

S (survivor): I like that lamp.
A (abuser): It's awful.
S: Maybe it's not so great.
A: I think it's fine, what's wrong with you?
S: Perhaps it's not so bad afterall.
A: It's a pile of crap. You have no taste.

And so on. Does that sound familiar? You can't win with an abuser and that's all they're trying to do; win. They want to dominate the narrative. There is no point trying to beat them either. It's just exhausting and there's no point.

Other times, I just don’t bother opening my mouth as it’s not worth it.

You're at that stage. You realise the futility of it.

And I’m no wallflower, spent time in performing arts as a youth, was course representative at uni for multiple years, even professionally I was in a role where I needed to be very outspoken.

You're like a red flag to a bull in that case. They love taking successful, women who dare to be equal, down a peg or two. Make her shut up. Show her who's boss.

I’m starting to learn that in the great scheme of things I don’t really matter to anyone. I just need to hold onto the fact that I have my wonderful dc out of this whole mess.

That's years of being beaten down talking, not you. You do matter. People love you and your children adore you. You do matter a great deal. You matter because you are you.

I stirred slightly, next minute he pounced on me, his manhood in saying I need sex, I need my wife. It was over in less than a minute. Now I'm just lying here feeling broken.

@Idontkowmyname - oh gawd. I hear you. Damned if you say something and dammed if you don’t. I shut up several years ago, but got yelled at last night because I’d put his tea bag for morning tea in the wrong mug. I mean really yelled at.

I didn’t look at him enough yesterday, apparently. I was tidying a room that he’s been on at me to do since lockdown.

I have barely slept - have had palpitations most of the night. And he thinks his outburst is all because ‘I won’t play nicely’, and has completely minimised it this morning.

I too was a successful person in my own right when we met. I’d completed an amazing voyage that many others have never done...

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is what you need to read. I had lightbulb moment after lightbulb moment reading that book.

@12345kbm - that’s where your inspiration has come from!

It's very good to describe the sorts of things you are going through so that those who are going through similar, can relate, even though they might not be In a position to post.

If you don't cooperate by making tea or cooking for them or cleaning would it cause a situation where you could call the police? Because then it would escalate and that is when they can act? It is worth letting social services know what is happening, regardless. The authorities are the ones who can organise help for you that you can't do off your own back. All police forces in the UK are on high alert for DV so it is actually a good time to act. You may have neighbours who can call on your behalf. Involve others if you don't feel brave enough to help yourself. Never keep an abuser's secret. Be open about what is happening. It is not your fault and there is more awareness than ever before about it. Please do not suffer in silence. But it is not the time to be keeping the peace with your abuser. If you are on danger of being injured or murdered there is even more reason not to keep it a secret. Write it all down. Keep records, audio clips, texts, anything that can count as evidence. Tell your DC's teacher, your GP, ring up social services, your police DV unit and get an incident number for coerced sex ( rape) emotional control, threats, even if it's his suicide threats, illegal drug use, .log everything with them. If you cannot ring, email them what has happened so far. Do not stop until you are free.

He just threw a lamp across the room and broke the bulb but its not DV because he "didn't throw it AT me".

He says I was horrible last night.

That’s called gaslighting and that is domestic violence.

I don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go and my 14 year old refuses to leave.

Every time you think to yourself this doesn’t seem right that is when you are right. I’ve taken to writing down all the times I remember thinking surely that’s not right, turns out there are a lot. It unbelievable the amount of things that you let slip. The biggest decision they want you hidden from is that they are intentionally doing it to make you stay.

Can you call the police about the incident because its abusive and get him out. I don’t know the answer, I suspect another will be able to answer. I just wanted to say I deeply feel your pain.

@seekingfreedom was that sexual assault? I'm really sorry that happened.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie yes it probably was the Verbally Abusive Relationship. Thanks

@Teapot55 where would you go? You're the parent so it's not up to your 14 year old where you go if you need to flee in order to protect them. Please note the incident. Contact the people you've been advised to contact as his behaviour is escalating.

What are you going to do if next time he throws you across the room in front of your children or throws a lamp at you or one of your children?

Please take this seriously and take the advice you've been given.

@seekingfreedom I’m sure that you have just been with my husband, he used to say the same to me, I need sex I need my wife. Followed by what the f**k is wrong with you, that’s your only real job!

@seekingfreedom - Holy Moly - you need help, my lovely. I would think thats rape by any other name...

Can you at least sleep somewhere else? Claim he's snoring... or you're not sleeping to well and don't want to disturb him. Give you a bit of space and security - and a chance to contact someone about it?

@seekingfreedom I'm just checking in on you to see how you're doing. If you feel able, can you report in and let us know how you are?

Hi all,

I haven't rtft yet, as only just spotted it earlier today. And tbh I'm not sure that my situation is that bad compared to others, and also I'm feeling very ashamed as I guess I'm partly to blame for a lot.

I've been with DP for many years, since we were teens. I've never been in another relationship other than this.

Over the years, we have had bad patches and some good. However, recently it has dawned on me that the 'good' isn't all that.

From him, I feel a lot of anger and resentment towards me. There's a lot of gaslighting. He only seems affectionate when he wants sex. It seems that I can't do anything right. I am quite often told his sneering and nastiness is a result of my own awful attitude. Although I don't think I am awful to him.

A couple of nights ago, we were arguing. I was led in bed listening to an audiobook. He was stood next to the bed. During our argument he demanded that I go and check something to prove he was right and I was off my rocker.

I refused and then began re-listening to the book. He stood and kept repeatedly demanding, and I again refused. He quickly reached across me and grabbed hold of my phone, then stood there holding it while we continued arguing.

At this point, I didn't mention anything about my phone to him as I knew if I questioned it he would take it that I had something to hide.

When I still refused to go and look, he turned my phone towards him as if he was about to unlock it and go through it. So I asked him if I got to look at his phone too.

He looked incredulous, and I told him that as it was clearly ok for him to look through mine, presumably the same also applied to his.

He said he had nothing to hide and of course I could look, but while saying so he turned his back on me and started to go through his phone. I stood up off the bed and questioned what he was trying to delete from it. He then passed it to me, I turned my back to him (he's taller than me so he could still clearly see the screen). The thing he didn't want me to see popped up, so he immediately wrestled the phone from behind me. It only took seconds but I ended up on the floor with him over me, and it hurt.

He then walked off downstairs and I followed at a distance. I told him to never touch me like that again. He took a few steps towards me and I'm ashamed to say that I slapped him. He slapped me back hard and continued shouting.

I ran upstairs to grab my phone but he followed me, chasing me around the house demanding to know who I was planning on phoning and calling me names. I ended up backed into the kitchen.

He didn't come any closer, but he suddenly became all emotional and apologetic. Which isn't like him.

He appears very upset and very sorry, yet he still managed to sound hurt and confused when I replied no to his request for sex tonight.

Idk. I'm ashamed, I shouldn't have hit him. I guess the slap from him was retaliation, my own fault. But the realisation of his behaviour over the years has left me feeling numb and I'm very ashamed of the part I've played.