For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

I really thought it was must me but maybe there's more of us out there? I don't know if it's experiences of abuse or just how we are as people? Maybe a bit of both. I think I'm the same. I've only ever wanted a safe secure home. Nothing special or extra large. I also wanted a family but I've never felt the need for extras or luxuries really. I worked from home until I had to stop. I hated working in an office. Mostly I had nice colleagues but I didn't fit in with a lot of them. I was lucky most of them accepted me as I was. I think. I don't know if they laughed at me behind my back. I think I coped by embracing or trying to embrace being different. Not sure that's good advice, sorry. I think people just don't know what to say to you? They may care, at least some of them, but I think this country still has a lot of keep yourself to yourself attitude?

People have there own problems I guess. I am who I am and if people don’t like me then that’s their problem. My plan after this is finished is to get another job, something that fulfils me with people who don’t call me in the office and tell me to leave my problems at home.....great, that was the problem

I hope you can find something else. I think it's so hard having a job that makes you miserable. I was really lucky until my last office job. I'd always had nice colleagues even if the job was rubbish. The last place was horrible. The boss was a bully and badmouthed everyone behind their backs. It was such a bad atmosphere. Maybe more jobs will be work from home permanently after the virus. I don't know if you'd prefer that. I do but I know not everyone's the same.

Hi everyone,
I reached out to an old friend last week, very sympathic and it made me feel better but they just keep saying leave. Just leave. If only it was so easy. If its not just leave, then call the police....and say what? I have already been to the police who acted like they didnt believe me so I am hardly going to call them for a chat am I? (I would if I was in danger obvs) I sort of wish I hadn't reached out now.
Ive seen those social media posts too about reach out to me if your suffering etc....what exactly are they going to do? The same as my other friend - just leave.
I know I need to do it. If my work furlough me I will be straight out, I will still be paid and wont need to work until June or maybe longer. If work don't, it will be so much harder but I do have annual leave at the end of May so that is my time to go. He also has annual leave then but there is a very small window (about 3 hours) where I can escape safely. This is one of the only times I actually regret working from home, if I was office based I would have been furlough by now. If i went now, even though work know what is going on, I would be on unpaid leave. I need money to escape and that is my current reason for staying.

Out of interest - what is classed as harrasment? When my husband works, he works 12 hour shifts and by 12 noon today he had called me 5 times. He got angry on the phone as I said I was going, I was doing 'stuff' (cleaning up, cooking, playing with our son) and he had a go saying I am always in a rush to get off the phone - well yes, I have had 5 x 20+ mins conversations with you already this morning.......arghhhhh......I just want some space to do what I want. Since midday hes called a further 2 times, plus texts. Drives me insane!

@seekingfreedom I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. He sounds very controlling. I understand that it's not easy to just leave. Do you want to tell us a little more about what's going on?

Without any more details, the best thing I can advise it to contact the National Helpline for advice: 0808 2000 247

Well done for reaching out to a friend and I'm so glad she was supportive, I know how hard that is. Also well done for going to the police and I'm sorry your experience wasn't so positive with them.

You don't necessarily have to leave the property, there are other options which the helpline can talk you through.

I'm just reaching out for some moral support. I believe my OH has been emotionally abusive for some time but he is very good at gas lighting me and I end up wondering if it is my fault. The day before lockdown he got really angry and kicked a door in. I realised that it didnt matter whether what he is doing is abusive or not - I'm not happy in the relationship and so I can leave. Unfortunately lockdown happened the next day. I am very fortunate that a family member is living with us during lockdown and my OH is not abusive in front of other people. However I am worrying about when lockdown ends and my family member leaves.

I dont think he would physically hurt me or the kids, but I just have this niggle at the back of my mind that leaving an abusive man is the most dangerous time. I have tried to leave before and he threatened to kill himself but didnt physically threaten me or the kids.

The ideal situation would be for us to split amicably and for him to move out. He owns a property nearby so could live there and still see the kids. But I dont know if he would allow us to split amicably. But i dont want to escalate a situation e.g. by doing things behind his back if its unnecessary.

My head is scrambled. Not helped by the fact that he is being nice at the moment so I'm having to be so strong to not just think it would be easier to stay.

I’m going through the same but not with a partner, with my mentally ill mother who I’m stuck in lockdown with. She’s not physically abusive but is verbally. It is hell.

@UserUser12 I'm really sorry to hear things are so hard for you right now. It's a very common, manipulation tactic for an abuser to threaten suicide to keep their victim in the relationship. It's also really common for abusers not to be abusive in front of others because abuse is controlled. He knows exactly what he is doing and he knows it's wrong so he doesn't want others to see it. It's very common for abusers to be charm personified in front of others which further isolates their victim.

You do have options here. What I suggest you do is hang tight and monitor the situation for the time being. Pack a bag for you and the children and hide it somewhere. There is info on the first page of the thread on making a 'safety plan', follow that if you can.

Solicitors are still operating from home, you can find a solicitor at the Family Law Panel. If you are earning under 20,000 and have less than that in savings, you may be entitled to a reduced rate. You may also be entitled to legal aid. Find a solicitor with domestic violence training, they have a purple ribbon beside their name. Make a list and find someone you think understands you. You can email if talking on the phone is difficult.

Gingerbread has a very good website which has calculators and info on child maintenance etc So take a look at their website.

Take a look at Ending a Relationship on the CABx website.It tells you what you need to know about separation and divorce so you can save money.

I would also contact your local DV organisation for support and advice. Details on that are on the first page.

If things escalate or you think it's going to kick off, dial 999 and activate your safety plan.

If you're worried and need further advice phone 101 and speak to the police who are on high alert for domestic abuse at the moment. You have no idea what he's capable of. You have to remember that two women a week are murdered by a partner or former partner, you are most vulnerable when leaving the relationship and have to be very careful. None of those women knew what he was capable of either.

You do have legal options which you can read about here.

If you have housing concerns then contact Shelter who have a chat facility and helpline.

It's frightening and you're being really brave for reaching out for help. Domestic Abuse makes you feel powerless and you can regain some of that power by planning what you want to do quietly. Please don't let him know that you are planning on leaving.

You can use this thread to ask questions or just vent although I advise you to seek real life support as well.

@Halli10 nightmare. Do you want to say more about what's going on?

@12345kbm my mum is living with me during isolation and has been physically and mentally abusive in the past. She hasn’t been physically abusive to me yet but she is becoming quite aggressive as she suffers with psychosis and has had no help with it. I don’t really know what to do as part of me wants to help her and the other part of me wants her gone ASAP.

@Halli10 it's completely normal to be conflicted in this situation. You need to keep yourself safe but, at the same time she's ill. However, domestic abuse isn't just between intimate partners it's also close family members.

I would start with Rethink who have a very good advice line: 0300 5000 927 You can also contact them via email: [email protected]

Other organisations to contact for support would be Saneline who support anyone affected by mental illness, including families, friends and carers. Their helpline is open between 4:40pm and 10pm every day of the year:0300 304 7000 They also provide a free text-based support service called Textcare. And an online Support Forum community, where anyone can share their experiences of mental health issues.

Other resources for help and support would be Mind: 0300 123 3393 and Hub of Hope where you input your post code and they show you what mental health support there is in your area.

Please use this thread to vent and I'm happy to offer help and advice should things escalate.

That sounds really hard @Halli10. Does she have community mental health support? Those teams are still operating. Is she on medication (or refuse). It's hard caring for someone. If she suffering with psychosis now you can also call the crisis team. Be clear that she is a danger to you and/or herself. Your local authority will have a carers contact number too, ours are still running through lockdown.

My dh threatened suicide if I left too. I'm now ill with suspected covid 19, so he's looking after me. I'm cautious that this is a love bomb type move to make me stay.

Mine threatened suicide when I left 3 times, a year later he is still here and now it’s turned into my life is great I’m gonna spend stupid amounts of money.....it’s just a trick!

@12345kbm he is sexually abusive/assault. Although the last few weeks things have calmed down, I just cant get all the past incidents out of my head. He is also emotionally abusive too (I think), for example last night, he asked me to go and get him 8 cans of larger (he is also a big drinker) and I refused. He called and text me so many times begging within a 1.5 hour period before he finished work. In the end, I said come home, get your bank card and I will drive you to the shop - I really didnt want to go into the shop and buy larger when your not suppose to be making mindless journey's to the shops in these current times. We got home and he said - Your taking me to work in the morning, I am drinking all these cans, I dont want to be over the limit. To which I replied - no, I do not want to get up at 6am on my day off, wake our child and take you to work, just drink a couple. To his reply - no YOUR taking me, YOU and getting it tonight (in regards to sex, though it never happened as he fell asleep) and YOU can wake HIM up (pointing at our son).

I just can't cope. I have called the charities, they all agree I need to get out of the relationship but I just cant just leave.

One positive today - I am going to sort a get away bag out.

@seekingfreedom that sounds very traumatic. Yes pack an emergency bag.

What's keeping you from leaving?

Have you spoken to Rape Crisis? They have a chat facility that you might find helpful for support and information.

seekingfreedom I hope your username inspires you. Please speak to an advisor and plan to leave, for your own sake and that of your DS. How old is he?

@12345kbm work is keeping me from leaving, everything is installed here (business line, desktop computers), its a work line connected to the servers in London, i cant just log onto any computer or internet connection. Hence why I am waiting/hoping to be furlough at work. Im a practical person, I know if I leave now, I would go on unpaid leave so that wouldnt give me much of a wage to live on in May as I do not have many holidays left (got a few things already booked off for later in the year that I need). I know I would get some benefits but not alot as alot of it is made up of the childcare bit and with the schools being off, that will not be paid.

Deep down, I am totally scared. I am scared of his reaction when I tell him we are over (he thinks we are all rosy), how he might talk me round (im all for an easy peaceful life but i know i need to stick to my guns), the threats he may make of ending his life etc, people finding out that our 'perfect' life is a lie. I am just totally scared of the new life.

@seekingfreedom I'd be scared too. Let's take this one step at a time.

Read up on the information on the first page of the thread on making a safety plan. That is the plan you make in order to minimise risk and get out should things escalate.

I'm happy to help with the safety plan.

You are going to have to take action but we'll hopefully minimise the risk to you.

Have a think about your options. I understand that you have financial concerns but you can't place financial concerns above your own safety. There's no point having a job if you're dead or too maimed to do it.

When we're frightened, we tend to paint ourselves into a corner with negativity and excuses. It's perfectly natural to do that but in order to make changes, we have to take deep breaths, gather all our strength and push through it as it's the only way out. You can't spend the rest of your life with a drunk who is raping you.

What are your options here?

1. Contact a Domestic Abuse organisation who can advocate on your behalf. They can go through your options with you and find you a refuge place, advocate for you with the police and help you with your legal options. They can also help you remain in the property.

1. Perhaps find somewhere to rent, let work know that you're moving (use an excuse) and just go. Contact the IT team at work and ask them what solutions there are to moving etc perhaps something temporary can be set up until you have a long term solution. I'm sure people have moved before and that has been sorted out by them.

1. Take a look at your legal options. You can get an Occupation Order to have him removed from the property should you be under the threat of rape or other physical harm. Contact the police and they can issue an order that removes him for two days, which can be further extended to 28. It would give you time to get an emergency injunction in place such as an Occupation Order/Non Molestation Order. You can find out more about that at the NCDV if you are in England.

1. Start a log of events. Put down all the threats, bad behaviour, insults and name calling.

1. Long term solution is to divorce/separate.

It's been up and down for me since lockdown. He was WFH at first so quite stressed due to technical issues etc and getting distracted by children. Then he was furloughed so seemed more relaxed but every now and then he'll decide to do some housework which is then followed by him saying what a disgusting scummy housewife I am and why can't I keep top of it. All he's referring to is some mouldy bread and something I've forgotten about in the fridge. I went to the bank and supermarket a couple of weeks ago and he sent about 10 horrible texts. I was dreading going home after that.

He's upset DD (14) today (because she dared complain about the smell of his smoking which includes weed) so she abandoned the nice little rainbow painting session her and DD (3) were having. I told him she's not lying about the smoke/smell hurting her throat so much that she stays in her loft room the while time but he's having none of it. Called up both nutters and says I've screwed her up.

I went up to see her and she's been crying. She said 2 weeks ago when he was being abusive she found DD (3) on her bed crying saying she was scared of him. I didn't know about this. She also said that when I was pregnant she told her dad that she didn't want the new baby growing up with the conflict she'd witnessed and he promised it wouldn't be like that. I didn't know this either and it's broken my heart.

I have no doubts about wanting to leave but I just don't know how. We jointly own the house although I put £17k into our first place which was all of the deposit. He's paid the mortgage since though. Does owning this place mean I can't rent somewhere and get help towards the rent? Does it make me ineligible for a council house/social housing? There's just so much uncertainty and I know he will make my life hell. He doesn't trust me as a mother. Any problems with the children he blames on me and says he tries to parent them "despite me". He's unbelievable. He has a lie in every day, stays up half the night, sits in the sun smoking all afternoon and smokes weed every day. He also grows it which I am completely against and never agreed to. I hate this life so much.

@Teapot55 I'm sorry to hear things are so bad for you all right now. He sounds awful.

Contact Shelter regarding the house and your housing options. They have a chat facility should it be difficult to talk on the phone. Have your mortgage details to hand for the conversation as you may need to refer to it.

Take a look at the details on making a safety plan on the first page of the thread.

I understand that you're not working, are you married? Have a look at the CABx info on separation and divorce. Make sure you look up the info for where you are in the UK as the law varies.

Keep a log of events. Date/Time started-time finished/Incident/Witnesses/Evidence such as texts

Contact your local domestic abuse organisation. Details on how to do that are on the first page. They can talk through your options and help you to stay safe. They can also advise on going to a refuge should that be necessary.

You can also dial 101 and talk to the police about your options should things start to get worse and if you're frightened of violence or he becomes violent then dial 999.

The police can issue an order that has him removed for 2 days that can be extended to 28 days while you consider your other options.

I know it's frightening but you do have options. Be brave and start to take action to protect yourself and your babies.

12345kbm we're not married (he knows I don't love him but can't bear to face truth head on)

I work part-time but my income varies.

Thanks for replying. I'd move to my parents today but its not practical even in the short-term and I really don't want to come crawling back here. I suggested that he moves out, he said no, I asked why - "because you're a selfish twat". Ok then.

@Teapot55 not being married means that you need to protect your assets in the house. Contact Shelter and get info on that.

You will be entitled to child maintenance and can use the Gingerbread website which has calculators and any other info you need on children and separation such as contact arrangements etc

I'm not just giving you info and dismissing you, this thread is for you to talk for support and vent. I know it's hard. However, you do need to get real life support.

It's best to just quietly gather information and advice. Turn2Us also has lots of info on benefits and money issues: 0808 802 2000
Call us on: 0808 802 2000, 9.00 am - 5.30 pm Mondays-Fridays (except bank holidays)

I'm sorry to come on here being so pessimistic again. I don't think there's a safe way out for me. Him being away, I started to get my confidence back a little, even though it involved being too vocal and annoying people and losing goodwill of others. It's also reinforced my view that there's too many nasty humans out there, and that I think I might fall into the falling through the gaps category. I feel like raising any issues is not supposed to happen. You're not supposed to speak about when support goes wrong because that ruins the official message that all you have to do is call the police or a support service. I've also realised I've never have ended up with the situation this bad if I was from lots of other parts of the country. Here, housing is impossible to afford, except slum type beds in sheds, for anyone on low incomes and the accepted view on the general public is if you can't afford it here, just move (not easy with poor health, no money, no support links, and possibly nasty unwelcoming locals). At the same time I see a generally accepted view that it's bad for people in other areas to be priced out. Usually people like me, priced out of this area, move to the parts of a new area where other newcomers live. They don't have to live amongst the more aggressive and openly prejudiced locals. So that's why I'm probably going to die here. The possible relaxing of lockdown means I'm at risk either way. From him, or from catching the virus if I leave. I don't understand why being a DV victim means you're immune from it. With my state of health I know I'd be in trouble. I can't drive so would have to use public transport (and it's very crowded because services were cut). I live in a dodgy flat that isn't fire safe in the first place. It can't really be secured and made safe with any sanctuary scheme, I've realised. The police can only hold him in custody for 24 hours. The council can and do put victims up in mixed use and mixed sex accommodation. I don't see how that's safe even without the virus. So I don't think I'll make it. I don't care about him getting occasionally aggressive. I only worry about the virus risk from him.

Sorry again for the negatively and focus on fear of horrible people. I know not everyone's horrible but it adds to the barrier of fear I've got in myself. I'm stressed because of reading about lockdown reviews and also how bad the virus is here, the amount of deaths, and knowing I probably wouldn't get treatment (because my health means I likely wouldn't survive).

Please no one else be put off getting help or leaving because of my own individual circumstances. You're unlikely to have all my many issues.

@Teapot55 Especially as he's been abusive towards your daughters and they're scared of him, I think you can have him removed from your home. Social services could help. If you'd rather leave, I'm not sure (so definitely check) when it's abuse (maybe any relationship breakdown, I'm not sure), DWP can disregard home ownership when accessing benefit claims for a certain period. It might've changed though.

@plantlife you haven't lost anyone's good will. It's good to see you back here.