For those on lockdown with an abuser

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Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

@Fightingback16 when was the last time you did something you really enjoy? Something just for the hell of it? You sound like you're very hard on yourself, perhaps that's your mum in your head from your childhood, constantly finding fault.

Be kind to yourself this weekend. Kind thoughts. Self love and self care. Long, warm bath, a good book or rom com or binge watch something. Not thinking of anything but the here and now. I know it sounds impossible but that little girl (in you, not your child) has been neglected for so long and I think she needs some love and compassion.

I have a warm bath every-night and watch a film when my daughter is asleep. I’ve also been doing some painting. It’s just this feeling now that it was very easy to to be away from H, and I realise I hated him for years. I feel a bit stupid for staying so long. I Understand why but if I’d just been a little stronger then he wouldn’t have succeeded.

Perhaps I can only say that because I am stronger and it certainly will never happen again!

I'm really pleased to hear that you are showing yourself some self love, it's important @Fightingback16

That's such a tough one, beating yourself up about staying for so long. Is there any way you can counter those thoughts with some positive self talk?

I know I wasn’t in the same mindset as I am now. I only realise now how much I hated living like that. He kept me in that state on purpose to stop me going and I know I was brave in taking a massive frightening step. It feels like a massive waste of time and energy, but I guess that’s hindsight and it’s what I do with it that counts. I guess I just need a bit of time to morn even if it wasn’t what I thought it was. I’ve still lost my dad, my husband, my family, my house, my dog, that future. I’m happy that I’ve gone though and I’m so happy I’ve saved my daughter from that life, that’s why I did it, for her.

I'm really sorry for being negative again. I've decided I have to stay with him. I'd rather one sometimes unpleasant person to loads of nasty people. I probably won't make it through the virus anyway. Once lockdown is lifted he'll be back so I risk catching it but I risk catching it if I leave. I can't stay in this city as he works all over it usually and can't afford to and bad memories and too many humans (and I don't want to be around humans as too many aren't very nice), but I can't go anywhere else. It's a big reason I didn't leave when I had chances. I'm so aware of how nasty some people are about people from where I'm from and I'd be picked on for being a non local. It would be especially bad in the affordable parts of an area because more locals live in those bits. I'm sorry it's just some of the threads on here are so nasty. It's not just about the virus as I've seen them in the past and in the media for years and he tells me everyone hates people from here (he's from somewhere else) so it's not just the virus. I have to stay and I'm going to make the best of it. I don't want different but still nasty. It would be like being the new girl at a very cliquey school but even worse. Sorry, I really am for wasting your time. I hope you all stay safe and I think you sound so strong @Fightingback16 I really hope things get better for you.

Just remember an abusive person is unpleasant all the time not just sometimes. Your whole life will be dependent on his good times, his bad times. Now I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, just a thought and I apologise if it’s below the mark....he could very well leave you when he is finished getting what he wants from you. Don’t wait for then. Your life is more important then this man.

I'm not offended, I know you're right. I fear that far more than being hit. I'm sorry I shouldn't have got so upset but it's horrible seeing so many nasty people being horrible about Londoners. I'm also so terrified of catching the virus especially as I'm at higher risk and seeing posts about London being the plague central just remind me more how at risk I am of not making it through this. He taunts me about people hating Londoners so maybe I'm extra sensitive, but also I can't cope with bullies including people who hate outsiders. I know not everyone's like that. I suppose I'm just so scared of bad people now including cliques or bullies. I think maybe a village is no good because they hate outsiders so I'll have to go to a town or city but not a rural one because the risk of bad people there who hate you if you're not from there. Sorry it's really upset me partly because I'm been aware of it for years but at least it's better the truth is known and I can stay away from those areas. I'll keep going but revise some of the options. I hope your ex-husband stays away and you have a good Easter with your child.

You are choosing to stay with someone who has threatened to kill you. He will make the rest of your life miserable.
Instead of building your own life away from him and choosing to steer clear of bullies.

The other threads have people saying what I thought. People from other places hate people from here. They're saying they didn't want people with London germs. They're saying the virus is rife here. I have underlying conditions. If I leave I have a high chance of dying from it. I can't drive. Public transport is so dangerous here, bus drivers and cab drivers are dying from it. It's worse than anything he'd do. Even if he killed me (and he won't) it would be less bad than the virus death. Someone on another thread said holiday home owners won't accept anyone from the cities even DV victims. I admit I was too scared and not strong enough to leave for other reasons but the anti outsider locals was a big reason. I wrote about it ages ago on my thread. I'm not just using it as an excuse now. I'm glad people are honest on the other thread. They say what I know that London is full of dangerous germs. You're right I made excuses to myself out of fear and should've left earlier but now it's a real reason, not an excuse. I may but survive this now but I admit it's my own fault for not being strong enough sooner.

Sorry. I forgot to wish you well @Wolfiefan I know you have underlying conditions too. I'm sorry I've messed up and not left and sorry for being so negative. I probably did make excuses before because of so many different fears but now the virus means I'm in danger either way. I'll go away and try to think calmly through options. I suppose the main issue is travelling anywhere How to do that safely. All those poor London transport workers have died. Not sure it's possible to travel safely here if you can't drive. Maybe with mask and gloves. I'll try to think what to do. Sorry again.

Your thinking is so messed up plant. People don’t want people from London traipsing down to their second homes for a bit of downtime by the beach.
People who live in places other than London don’t innately hate all Londoners at all.
You need to put all your fears aside. And decide what YOU want to do. You can’t make a decision for anyone else or based on irrational fears.
Do you want to stay with this violent and abusive man?
Or not?

@plantlife inwardly you are not at peace with the decision you have made for yourself, hence the need to rewrite it in ways that you are trying to convince your inner self. But you are not at peace with it are you? What you don't write speaks volumes.

I think you are doing your very best to soothe and quieten your inner self/child but the anxiety you experience every day is making it very difficult for your inner child to relax and go to sleep.

I think you should be gentle to your inner child, let her speak and voice things you don't want her to say or think those thoughts.

Your inner child desperately wants peace and safety and a future of peaceful tranquility but you are trying to block her out by frightening her with talk of death by virus and tell her the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.

Your inner child does not want you to give up on her and still sees glimmers of hope and rays of sunshine freedom.

It's ok to be up and down and have periods when everything seems so bleak.

But your inner child has a voice and a determination that won't go away no matter what you say or do and I believe you will listen to her because otherwise you will have no peace! Good luck and don't be hard on yourself, a new day is a new page and fresh hope.

I'm so touched by the kindness. I think it's advice I should've taken before the virus. But how can I leave safely now? Ive had germphobia but this virus isn't my imagination, the virus or the risks? I've had germ fears for years. Why are police turning people away from rural places if there's no virus risk? Why would I be immune from catching it, in the place everyone on other threads, the media, and the government are saying is the worse hit? I'm genuinely at higher risk as well. I don't understand why it's ok or safe for me to stop self isolating? Please don't be angry. I'm not trying to be difficult. I wish I'd taken the steps before the virus but I think now I'm out of options. I have to accept that I might not make it through this. If there's anything you can think of that gets around this, please tell me. I don't know if I've not thought of it. I'm sorry. I let some nasty posts on other threads get to me. The nasty words about London germs and also it's upsetting that no-one protected people in the cities, like our lives aren't as important. At least some other people said the same as me so I suppose not everyone is horrible. I'll go away and try to think of what to do. I'm obviously safe for now. Sorry again. I hope you all stay well.

I am a victim of psychological abuse. I was getting ready to leave before lockdown. I'd tried to leave a year ago and was convinced to try relationship counselling. Things did get sort of better, he started pulling his weight more, making an effort. But he couldn't maintain it and I think for me the damage was done.

I raised it again just before lockdown. He wanted more counselling. He begged, said he'd do anything. I think eventually he got that I wasn't changing my mind, that staying was making me miserable. He blamed me saying I wasn't perfect etc.

And then unprompted he called Respect, an organisation for the perpetrators of domestic abuse. I don't know the details of what he talked about he ony told me afterwards. But they confirmed for him that he had been abusing me for a decade. He is devastated. We've since had one to one sessions with the counsellor we were seeing and she's been brilliant. I think she's helped him accept the decision too.

And the weirdest thing for me is he isn't blaming me. At all. I've never known that. He seems to be taking full responsibility, but not trying to convince me to stay (I'm not). We've had very calm conversations about housing, contact and money.

So. Hopefully when lockdown is over I can move out and move on. I've tried so many times in the last decade.

You are absolutely right about not listening to your inner child. If you were in a “normal” relationship then your inner and outer voices would be in harmony, they are not. Your voice is awake and you will live in conflict until you act or he acts. It will drive you bonkers eventually. She wants love and safety just like mine did. Is is staying away for the rest of lock down?

I think so. I'm dreading the end of lockdown. I've spent too much time worrying about that and everything else so I know I need to stop and try to think things through calmly. Im.do scared of the virus. I know I also need to ignore nasty threads but it's hard. It's something he says about people hating people from here so it's a sore point. I think you're so strong for leaving and I should try to be like you. I saw your thread about moving on. I wish I had advice. Maybe try to put the bad past in a box to forget. You've spent time in dealing with it and can not think about more positive things like a good future for you and your child. I need to take my own advice.

@BreathlessCommotion I really hope you get through lockdown and get to leave and things get better for you.

Seriously there is nothing like being abused for destroying friendships. Newly formed friends who think I’m not nice for not passing H’s gifts onto dd and that I’m causing her damage. It’s hard enough to stick to a decision as it is. I’d decided that if he wanted to give her gifts etc he would apply for a contact order not turn up to my house when he has been asked not too. I don’t want to cause her damage. Then this person said I was abused and me and my Ex are now good friends and did it for their son. I’ve tired but it doesn’t work, he is not nice.

@plantlife just keep doing what you've been doing. Contacting people, gathering information and finding out more on how to get out of the relationship.

I know you're finding it very hard and I assume you're in daily contact with your abuser so that makes it hard as well.

Making up scenarios about villagers with pitch forks chasing you out because you aren't local, is your anxiety talking. You're looking for worst case scenarios to stay put because staying put is what you know and the big, bad world is scary.

I wouldn't suggest going to a village either because it's hard to adapt but there are large towns and small cities which are just as lovely.

People seem to think that contacting a domestic abuse organisation is going to involved the SAS breaking through windows in some kind of rescue operation but that isn't what happens. They just try to help and support you, they won't force you to do anything and, if you want to stay, they'll offer support there as well.

It's nice to see you supporting others. A lot of domestic abuse support workers have experienced abuse themselves and that's why they won't force you to do anything as they know how hard it is.

Thank you for the advice. I should take it but instead I'm letting myself get upset by people thinking everyone here is rich and horrible. Not all rich people are horrible and loads of people here are poor. I know it's not everyone but it's something I've seen for years, and he says it's true and how his hometown thinks. I'm being oversensitive and think I'm turning into a bad person by being so upset by it, so I need to stop. I suppose it's the stress of everything. I know there's nice people everywhere and bad people everywhere. I think part of me thinks I won't survive the virus because of my situation and I'm saying my piece before I die.

I'll try to stop overthinking and letting my fears take over. It's so easy to do though.

@Fightingback16 I'm sorry. I've lost all my friends too. The person who says she's friends with her ex either wasn't really abused or she's probably dealing with it badly, unlike you. You're facing up to reality. The other friends just don't understand but I don't think many people do unless it's happened to them. I know gifts are used as control. This is so ridiculous that saying all this bit then struggling so much myself. It feels like it's not actually reality for me maybe. I don't know if I'll ever get out of my situation but of I did I think I wouldn't tell people about abuse. Too many don't understand. I'm sorry if that's bad advice. It's good to have people to confide in. Maybe do that online and with idva and support lines for now.

I have no friends from before leaving, these were new ones. I guess I shouldn’t have said anything but then who wants friends like that anyway. I think if you build on your confidence with an IDVA you will leave. I think that’s the best situation, working on getting yourself a plan in place and confidence so it doesn’t seem so scary. Just think of what you could do when you left him. You could put all this knowledge to use for others. When you stop wasting energy on him imagine what you will have available. I bet your illness’s will improve. My M.E has greatly improved. Normally my legs can’t carry the weight of me but today I was jumping over a stream!

There is that quote going about “be kind”. They say never bottle it up, always speak. Speaking is not the problem it’s getting people to listen. It’s horrible when you have been let down. People going through abuse, myself included find that people don’t really want to listen. Towards the end I was crying out to be heard and nobody wanted to listen. Your too sensitive, you should just tell him how your feel, you kind of look crazy women, you shouldn’t bring your problems to work, just put a fake smile on, you made your bed etc etc. Society leads you to stay in abuse, it’s sad. Thank god there are some wonderful people around. I can’t thank my IDVA enough for listening without judgement.

It's so true. I've noticed the same for mental health. People on social media post about reaching out, talking to people, yet I see just on Mumsnet alone many threads from people who's friends or family don't want to talk about it. I suppose it's partly that some people do care but don't know what to say. I think it's helpful sometimes just getting things off your chest. For me anyway. Just posting here helps sometimes. I know there's some wonderful brilliant services but they're so underfunded. Sometimes they're not able to help and it's so hard when you so desperately need support. Unfortunately there are also a minority, like my local one, that have people working there who shouldn't be in the job. I try to think about the kind good ones out there but it's been hard sometimes. I know I can dwell on it.

Sometimes it almost feels like not being believed or being dismissed is worse than the actual abuse. I know that sounds ridiculous. I think being on my own for now I'm feeling more confident but also maybe complacent.

I've been thinking, especially after my involvement in a few different non abuse related, threads that I really am not normal. Just don't fit I'm anywhere. But maybe that's not so bad. Being different doesn't have to be bad? People might not like me or get me or share my values and life outlook but maybe that's their problem, not mine. I feel happy with nature and no humans. Maybe it's my life experiences or maybe it's just who I am. I realise I don't express things well. I'll write something and be do sure it makes absolute sense and the point I'm making is so obvious. Yet people seem to misinterpret it. I think some of it is deliberate by people with an agenda but sometimes someone else will come along and word it so much better than me. They put my viewpoint or explanation across in a clear easy to understand way.

I feel exactly like you, I’m a black sheep, I don’t fit anywhere. I find it hard to join in conversations on my works WhatsApp about their nail varnish growing out. It just feels so insignificant but then maybe I’m just not normal. I work with over 50 people. Management know what’s happened and not a single person has asked if I’m ok since lock down. Maybe I’m just being selfish, but I ask people I know who are finding it hard if they are ok. I’m not sure if abuse makes you a bit selfish as it’s always been about you even if not in a positive way.

I was a free spirit and my husband tried to make me conform to wife, child, money, house, his dream, forcefully. I’m at my most happy when I have nothing. That’s the thought that’s been getting me through this. He will never be happy with anything and I can make happiness out of nothing.