For those on lockdown with an abuser

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Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

I think and my IDVA did approach on it that I’m traumatised and have probably been suffering with cognitive dissonance. But at least I know what I’m working with. Safety is my number one objective.

I'm glad not the only one posting @Fightingback16 I think I've taken it over too much and it's good you posted instead! I hope you get the help. You've been so kind trying to help me. I'm so sorry for how things have been for you. It's so good you got away and are now being a brilliant mum and protecting your child fr him. I'm sorry for being so self-pitying. I feel such shame about not being a mother. I think they are more important than me. They're definitely more normal. Maybe I'm being irrational. I'm being very negative tonight. I'm sorry. I need to start again calmer tomorrow. I'm letting all my fears and worries and shame take over. I promise you I have tried to leave but whatever happened it's in the past, I know. It's down to me to either leave or not. I'm scared and maybe don't want to because I think better the devil you know but I'm still trying to get options sorted in case it gets really bad again. I've done more in the past 24 hours than ages. I've done the housing application, made calls, sent an email. Anyway I really hope you can get the non molestation sorted Fightingback. The police should help as he's got a history of violence to you and they need to protect your child as well as you.

Thank you. I'll try Women's Trust. Thank you.

Yeah let’s take some pride in the good bits we’ve done.

Yeah let’s take some pride in the good bits we’ve done.

Exactly! It's very important to see how much progress you've made.

Yeah I’ve gone from 100% his voice to 70/30. It got a bit swirly, slightly crazy at 50:50! I found a quote from somewhere that said only the most beautiful of specimens need to be kept in a cage. I’m going with that!

@plantlife yes do, they're very good: [email protected]

Sorry to come back. Final time just to get it off my chest. You're all right. I won't leave. The alternatives are worse for me. I don't see how it's excuses. There's no point leaving for an equally bad or worse situation. I don't have children to protect so it's not desperate. I choose the lesser of two evils. It's not that bad here. He won't kill me but I'd prefer that to dying from the virus by choking in my own mucus. The housing thing too. I just looked at flats to rent in my area out of interest. Even shared rooms are all two hundred pounds over benefit levels and none take you on benefits. I tried before and nowhere took me even with savings. It's too late for me to build a better life. I'm actually very lucky compared to many people and need to focus on the positives. I had a few chances to risk a change before the pandemic but was too scared. I genuinely tried to get help from my local service and it shattered my confidence when they were horrible. I wish I'd recorded what happened as I know I'm not believed. After the bad experiences or when refuge spaces were full or when I genuinely was physically in a bad way, I had to make excuses to myself. I've lost the strength to start over. I've done it before and too tired and old and unwell to do it again. He's not that bad. It's in the past. If he is an abuser he's done everything he needs to. I don't care about being hit. I really don't. When I met him I was only just recovering after years of bad housing. I was desperate to never ever live like that again. I ended up suicidal. It was ok at first when young and healthy. I can't go into middle age, in poor health, sleeping next to my cooker. I can't do it again. I choose being with him over that. I'm sorry. He wouldn't allow me to work or look after my health. I had to spend my savings. I don't think it's an excuse to not want to go back to a life I couldn't bear. He never needs to hit me again because I will never have a safe secure home. I'm trapped in London where it's really expensive for bad housing. Can't leave for anywhere else with the virus. Even if I risked travel they won't take me. I've seen everyone posting about London germs. I'm sorry about all my posts and for letting everyone down. You're all right. I can't have what I want so I'm choosing the least bad option. It's not that bad. All the violence is in the past. Sorry again. I hope this thread continues to help those who need to leave or need support.

Just wanted to say again I'm truly sorry for bringing down this thread. I should never have come on it. It's such a kind thing to do to try to help people. Please please don't be upset by me. I'm an exception. Most people will take advice and really benefit from the help and support here. I'm really sorry for sidetracking from that. Thank you so much for starting the thead 12355kbm and thank you to everyone on here supporting each other. I really hope things get better for all of you. I've never been normal or fitted in so don't let me ruin it. I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time.

@plantlife please don’t apologise for being part of the thread. Someone in your situation is probably key to why the op started the thread. Don’t be hard on yourself, not everyone is able to leave a dv relationship for a multitude of reasons. Myself and I’m sure others would be lying if we didn’t say we wanted people living with abusers to get to a place of safety however, ultimately it’s your choice, I can’t speak for others but I can say it doesn’t stop me from wanting you to continue posting and getting the support you need and deserve. If anything it makes me want you to post regularly so you don’t feel so alone 💐

@plantlife it's frightening, the unknown and it's hardly surprising you're scared to make changes. London is expensive but I thought you wanted to move to a village which is a lot cheaper? You can probably rent a small place by yourself.

Just keep plugging away. What else are you going to do during lockdown? There's no harm in finding out some information, getting advice and working out your options.

Don't stop posting, you'll be missed.

Thank you for the kindness. I mainly posted to try to help other women. I know it's not likely to get better, especially during a pandemic, but I don't see how it ever possibly can if bad experiences aren't talked about.

Am I looking at it wrong? I don't have a place of safety to go to? All I might be offered is hostel or b&b, which is not always safe, and how can it be safe during the virus? There weren't any refuge places left even before the pandemic. I saw the women's aid and refuge campaigns. They're saying refuges are full and it's sort of like bed blocking as no-one can move on at the moment. No-one will say what the health and safety policies are they say they've put in place during the virus. Local helpline said they don't know, try national helpline. I don't think they'll know either. Whenever I've asked questions about refuges they always tell me to ask individual refuges. How would I get anywhere safety? A few bruises are better than suffocating on your own fluids with the virus. I hate being in London. I don't want to pay £700 a month for a cramped room in a shared house at my age in my health, and I hate being around humans after being hurt so much, but how can I leave? Nowhere outside London will take someone from the virus hotspot except maybe the other virus hotspot of Birmingham. I've seen the fuck off and keep your London germs threads. I see it in the papers too. I see nasty unwelcoming comments even before the virus and several refuges turned me down because I was from out of area. I tried to find a place to rent outside London a few years ago but nowhere wants benefit tenants.

Sorry. I won't keep posting. It's just I feel upset people think it's just excuses. I accept there's no help for me to have a better life. I just want to be believed about the bad experiences. I walked into the one stop shop a few years ago. It was so daunting. I was desperate at the time. More violence at that stage but I also had more freedom to go out still. I brought photos and recordings to show them but she didn't give me a chance. The woman was horrible. Told me to just call the police, didn't offer support. I asked for support, she told me to call their office and maybe a support worker would be found. She was the support worker and next time we spoke told me she couldn't do anything more for me because we'd already spoken. She told me they don't help with housing applications. It was awful anyway. You can't even initially get confidential advice. They refuse to let you in to the one stop shop unless you first fill in a form with your detsils.

That's just one example of what went wrong. I did try. Asking for help was so hard and it's devastating to not get it and humiliating. I lost the confidence but it's not excuses. If they'd helped me when I first asked I had a chance of a safer life. My mental and physical health was better. I had job contacts still. Temp housing would've been just that, temporary. It killed me being in tiny mouldy rooms when semi housebound. I can't go back on a long-term basis.

I've got in contact, she is busy so will call me back. I still haven't changed my mind and want the non-mol. I've realised me and my mind are working against each other so for now it can shut up! I don't have to act on my mind......god imagine if we acted on all the thoughts we have!!

@Fightingback16 that's great news. Keep going! You're right, you don't have to act on thoughts. Thank you for checking in.

@plantlife perhaps you just need some time to have a think. You've made huge strides and sometimes we just need some space to gather our thoughts or it becomes overwhelming. You're always welcome here and you don't have to post about leaving, you can help others as well. I have faith in you. I think you can do it.

So solicitor said no non-mol just yet, she said the Easter egg was just a weak way of him reminding me that he still is around. She said he has filed no child contact application or financial, so has done nothing then. It’s ready with her if he tries something slightly more aggressive. She seems to think he won’t and that he relied on the head work.

He is a very weak man, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

@Fightingback16 have you spoken to your IDVA about this? She may have a different perspective.

Thank you so much. I'm so tired today but just wanted to quickly update. I spoke to the council again and they sounded like they would help me. I wasn't ready to give my details but I realise I need to think what I want to do. I'm actually so shocked and upset about my local service. I don't understand why they didn't offer to help me when I went to them. The council said that service would help me with applications. I didn't mention them and the council don't know about my experiences with the local DV service. They just were giving me information and contacts. I definitely won't ask that service for help agsin so I'll try to do it myself or think about contacting the other service. I know it's sort of good news but because I had to do it myself with no advocate and so dealing with him as well, it's taken me two years to get that far. I was in a much better position two years ago with my health and confidence. Sorry, I suppose I'm just sounding off. I know it's good news I've made some progress. I was thinking earlier that I'd really like to help other women if I get through this. It's very hard now though as he's being really nice and I don't want to hurt him.

@plantlife I'm so, so proud of you. You're so strong, battling away. It's very sad to hear that you were so let down. I can help you as much as I can from here, am happy to do what I can. Others may be able to help and between us we can hopefully get to a place where you are safe. You may notice that many of your physical symptoms are alleviated once you're out of the relationship as trauma has a terrible effect on the body.

I think you'd make a brilliant support worker. Perhaps that's something to look into once you're in a better place?

Thank you so so much. I'm so grateful to everyone on Mumsnet who's helped me. Its been a massive support and really helped me through and given me strength. I never thought about being a support worker before. I'd like to help people. I get nervous around people though. Thank you again.

But you still didn’t give them your details. You keep making calls like this plant. You need to decide to make THE call.

My IDVA I know wants more action Because she understands the effects it has on me emotionally . The solicitor I have now is a specialist in DV and I trust she knows what she’s doing. she said she knows to get it approved he needs to do something slightly more threatening. That sounds horrible but I get it. I’m quite proud of myself, a few months ago I would have been in a right state but not really bothered at the moment. I’ve given the egg to someone down the street who I thought would like it.

@Fightingback16 I'm just glad that you've got that support there. It's obviously up to you and, most importantly you sound so strong right now. I remember your posts a couple of weeks (maybe less) and you were so anxious.

To have gone from not wanting to file the Non Mol out of fear to calmly discussing it with your solicitor is amazing progress. I'm really pleased for you. It sounds like you are coming along in leaps and bounds.

@plantlife it might be an idea to contact that other DV organisation today and see if they can help you with those forms and other info you were given by the council. It would be far quicker to have that support there. Remember that no one is going to force you to do anything, they'll support you. Let's hope that this time around, you get a better result.

I was so so anxious, I’m glad I have a name for it because at the time is was very scary. It felt like my brain was splitting in two. I was scared of him but not scared at the same time. I wanted him away from me but didn’t because he wasn’t a threat, but he was. I could not match this fear to my memories, which I understand is cognitive dissonance. I’ve realised I mustn’t fight it because it’s my truth coming through, it’s uncomfortable and I still avoid a lot of triggers. But I’m sure they will lessen over time and the less I feel traumatised and come to terms with it all the better I’ll feel. I have one very strong thought, It’s one I remember him saying over and over. “You met me like this so why is it a problem now”. It’s pestering my brain because it’s right, he was always a bastard! Once he did all the initial work I was trapped. I’m still trying to figure out whether he was intentionally abusive or just not a nice person. He really is the total opposite kind of person to me.