For those on lockdown with an abuser

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Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

I would have thought cognitive dissonance was prevalent in most abusive relationships and lots of people get out.

Yes they want me to go for it and apply.

@Fightingback16 that's good to know.

I guess it’s cognitive dissonance at work for me also. Accepting what feels like the unacceptable, but I know what happened to me. It’s trying to accept slowly enough so as not to release the trauma that comes from knowing. I’ve a fine balance going on. I do know I don’t want him coming here, that makes me anxious then I loose a bit of the control I have.

Plantlife. I can't remember how long I've been reading your threads for. But I'm so saddened to see here on here you're still talking about trying for a baby, and staying with this man. You may choose to stay in this abusive, but please, do not bring an innocent Child into this.

This isn't meant to sound horrible as I know it's an awful situation and you're frightened. But you're blaming the virus for you not being able to leave. Your threads about this have been going on for so much longer,and theres always loads of excuses as to why you can't leave.

I fear you never will. But you deserve a happier life. You deserve to be free.

Please please try and take that step towards a new future.

You're right about the reply. I shouldn't have bothered with the complaint. They're too busy. I let my previous bad experiences with them affect my judgement.

I know I'm scared to leave but how can I safety do that? You're right, I'm actually more scared of him infecting me than hitting me, but what can I do. I'd be even more exposed to it if I left. I've tried to leave in the past. I've lost my confidence now but there's been times I did try. I've been honest with the local agency and the council. They told me to just call the police. The agency said they don't help with housing. I spoke anonymously but told them about the worse violence. They maybe don't have enough money or staff, I don't know, or maybe they just took against me. I'm not normal so it happens. If the options are staying or sharing facilities then you're right. I'm sorry, I sound spoilt, but I'm terrified of germs and of other people. I've shared in the past and hated it but I was more normal then and didn't worry about germs. I can't cope with it. I suppose that's my choice then out of the options. I'm so sorry for wasting people's time. I won't completely give up on possibly leaving in case it gets bad again. I spoke to my council today. They were nice but hadn't heard of the sanctuary scheme. I tried another service's webchat but they didn't know anything and told me to speak to the national helpline. In the past a really kind lady there seemed to understand my issues and was going to help but we got cut off, then I lost my confidence. I emailed them earlier so I'm trying to do something, but admittedly may choose staying over what's for me (from past experience) worse options. I think sometimes life isn't what we want but we just have to choose what's bearable out of what options we have. Many people have far worse situations than me. I'm sorry again for wasting people's time and thank you for helping me through a bad time.

Cross posted with you there plant life.

Sorry just wanted to let people know so they didn't worry. It's almost certain I can't have children especially at my age so you don't need to worry. Anyway if I did get pregnant, I'd leave because I know they'd have to help me, and I wouldn't tell him about any baby. It's so unlikely though so don't worry. It's just unbearable to completely give up on ever being a mother.

Get yourself out, get yourself healthy mentally and physically, maybe look into fostering then. What you are looking to achieve won’t work, you can’t hide a baby, you will feel even more connected to him if you have his baby. He will up his game even more so, trust me, all the head work was unbearable for me when I had my daughter.

If you think he’s bad now, trust me he will get a whole lot worse when you grow another source of supply to his control addiction. My Husband is bloody delusional now!

This sounds awful and I know you're all hate me now but I might as well be honest. I see getting pregnant as a way out. I would leave before he knew and I'd fit in at a refuge because I'd be more normal, a mother like most of them. I'm sorry. Anyway it won't happen so don't worry.

He banged on about her having mostly his dna, all the good things down to his dna, all the bad mine. She was all him, he was happy she was his skin colour, had his eye colour. He was happy when she hit me. He was moulding her into him. It was killing me. He screamed at me in-front of her. He wanted my daughter to see me as weak. The time after I had her were really bad. He loved it when she cried and I had to deal with it all the time, he made her cry, he watched me on my knees with her. He watched me as I failed and it’s heartbreaking to remember. Now I feel bad for stopping contact, absolutely right thing to do.

You won’t leave when you are pregnant, your brain will find a way to stay.
You will believe that a baby will make him change. It won’t and then you will get the guilt and shame of doing something to get a man to change.

@plantlife I'm sorry to hear your attempts to get help are hitting walls. The Sanctuary Scheme is borough dependent. The way to find out if your borough does it is to look either on your council website or do a search, for example, 'Southwark Sanctuary Scheme domestic violence'. Then follow the directions on how to go about accessing it.

All the Sanctuary Scheme does is make your place safe, so put on new locks etc If you simply let him in because you don't want to finish the relationship, the whole exercise is a waste of time. You also said that you can't afford the rent by yourself.

This is why going through a domestic abuse organisation is the better option here because they will immediately know what your options are which depend upon what's available locally. There is no nation wide approach to this.

LAs usually prefer the Sanctuary Scheme because they don't have to rehouse you. I'm surprised yours doesn't do it.

When this is over, or even now if you can do it online please do the freedom programme. You need to listen to your inner voice, it’s trying to get you to listen to it. You NEED to get away from him. The freedom programme forced me to speak out loud and listen to myself. I told stories that to me were my fault and people told me that was abuse. Granted it brought out a traumatised little girl. But I’m working on calming her. I’ve just helped myself now. Tomorrow I’m ringing the lawyer and giving my scared inner child a safety barrier.

@plantlife there are refuges for single women, they're not all for women with children. Your life is just as worthy as someone with children.

Also take a look at the Women's Trust. They offer free therapy to women who have experienced domestic abuse. They are over subscribed but it may be worth contacting them and seeing if you can go on a waiting list.

I’m sorry I’ve been taking over the thread. It’s not just an oversized Easter egg at my door. It’s much more then that.

@Fightingback16 can you email here now? No need to wait until tomorrow. Perhaps contact the police on 101 as well for advice.

Her, not here!

@Fightingback16 you're not taking over the thread and your advice is very important for others to here. You post away.

hear!!

@Fightingback16 have you heard of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

There's a book by Peter Walker that you may find helpful. It's currently free on Kindle.

I have no idea if you have C-PTSD but it's not uncommon with domestic abuse survivors and survivors of childhood trauma. There's a video that explains it and the therapist has other videos that go into more depth that you may find interesting.

I will do it tomo I promise and I’ll post when I’ve done it. That egg is a way back in, it bloody throws me into confusion. My inner voice says non-mol NOW. His voice says Im not accepting your boundaries and you know it. You threatened a non-mol several time’s and done nothing. Look at the size of this egg, that’s how much I love my daughter or what I want you to think. I’m bored at home on lockdown so now testing the boundaries. First egg then....... I bloody know he will be back. And I know from instinct.

@Fightingback16 I'll hold you to that!

I had a look on the check list, a lot of what it lists doesn’t sound like me.