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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband has left me

178 replies

rainstormsunshine · 22/03/2020 10:18

I'm sorry because this is a real downer for Mothers Day. Thank you to anyone who takes time to read this.

My husband and I have been married for nearly four years, have been together for nearly six. We have two young children, one is a nine months and the other has just turned four. I also have an eight year old from a previous relationship.

My oldests dad was abusive, and up until recently we'd only communicated by email/text message regarding contact. However, recently we'd been at the same school event at Christmas, managed an amicable conversation and for the sake of my oldest I wanted to improve the way we managed coparenting. My oldest had commented it was nice to see us being friends and I felt guilty and wanted to ensure I changed things. I posted about this issue a couple of days ago under another name if it's sounding familiar.

We've managed to have a meeting to discuss things which was fine, and we now still mainly contact by text as and when needed but have on less than a handful of occasions spoken over the phone to sort longer, more complicated things out.

My husband was well aware of all of this, I discussed everything with him and ensured he was part of the process. However, there has been a recent growing disapproval with the situation. We fell out on Tuesday evening after I'd had to speak to my ex regarding changes to contact due to coronavirus, and it turned out he'd checked previous calls to see how long they were and was unhappy that I had once been on the phone for twenty minutes (we'd had to discuss a holiday my oldest was going on, some swapping round of contact and school progress.) He then claimed he thinks I still have 'feelings' for my ex.

I explained I am doing what's best for my child and have done nothing wrong. I have always been loyal, loving and honest. None of this mattered. We barely spoke for days, despite me trying to discuss and sort things. I have always provided reassurance and been totally transparent, even letting him know when I'll need to have the conversations and what they're about.

Late last night I tried once more to have an honest conversation with the hope of sorting things. I'd been lying awake with him sat downstairs and I just wanted to move on, discuss what was causing such an issue and try to solve things.

He told me that nothing would change his mind, and that he's leaving me.

This morning, after my lovely kids gave me a homemade card that my oldest had made at school, he told them to sit down in the living room, and he said that he was leaving, that he doesn't love mummy anymore but still loves them, and that things were going to change and he was sorry. He told my oldest that it was because of them situation between your mum and your dad' and my kids sat sobbing. My four year old adores their daddy, and keep asking why he has to go away.

I don't even recognise this man. I can't believe he's done this to our children. My oldest keeps asking if I'm having an ok Mother's Day and trying to make me feel better. He doesn't deserve such loving, wonderful people around him. He said so many awful things to me and they keep coming back and I'm having to stifle sobs in front of my little ones.

I am broken.

OP posts:
Quitplayinggameswithmyart · 22/03/2020 10:24

I am truly sorry to read that, how awful. He sounds jealous and unfair. It may transpire that you are better off without him, though I appreciate that may be of little comfort at the moment. I suppose the only advice I could give is to stay strong, focus on your children, and look after yourself.

pinkstar01 · 22/03/2020 10:24

Oh I'm so sorry! What a bastard for doing that to you and the kids on Mother's Day. Sounds like he was using your ex as an excuse though? It wasn't a big deal at all so seems like he took it as an out. I hope you're okay Thanks

FlowerArranger · 22/03/2020 10:25

There are no words.
Do you have anyone to support you?
Very sorry that you have to go through this, especially during this difficult time.
I hope you can keep it together.

OutingMyself · 22/03/2020 10:26

He isn't jealous. He was just using that as an excuse.

I'm so sorry Flowers

OhioOhioOhio · 22/03/2020 10:27

Omg. What a bastard. You will be fine. Not yet but you will be.

pointythings · 22/03/2020 10:28

He's an insecure jealous weakling. I'm sorry you've ended up with someone who has such feet of clay.

Espoleta · 22/03/2020 10:28

I’m so sorry, I have no real advice, just focus on what needs to be done and then plan the logistics tonight.
I can imagine you’re better off without him as honestly he sounds like a piece of work. Telling your oldest that is unforgivable!

TheClitterati · 22/03/2020 10:30

What a dreadful person he is. I also think he is using your xp as an excuse.

Take one step at a time today op. You will be in shock. Self kindness, do only what you need to. Embrace your lovely kids.
Keep posting.

gamerchick · 22/03/2020 10:30

He's used that as an excuse OP, the real reason will come to light.

He's been Incredibly cruel to the kids though, especially the eldest. You don't want to be with a man who can do that. Give them a squeeze and do something with them. Tell him you never want him back if he gets in touch. Find your anger.

JaneEyre7 · 22/03/2020 10:30

I'd say he was using this as an excuse.

There's probably an OW behind the scenes, and he's dumping all the blame onto you.

And the way he's doing this is abhorent. What a vile thing to put you and your kids through on Mother's Day.

Flowers
TheClitterati · 22/03/2020 10:30

Where is he going at this time when everyone is social distancing?

OhCaptain · 22/03/2020 10:31

Jesus Christ! That is horrific.

I was prepared fo say maybe there’s an adjustment period blah blah. But he sat your dc down on Mother’s Day, told them he doesn’t love you, and told an 8 year old it was essentially his fault ??

That’s just a bastard. I’m so sorry @rainstormsunshine Flowers

Bathbedandbeyond · 22/03/2020 10:32

He’s probably having an affair OP. You haven’t done anything wrong.

Midnightstar11 · 22/03/2020 10:33

What a bastard to sit the children down on mothers day and effectively put the blame on the oldest. I have a ds from a previous relationship we coparent and my dh doesnt batter an eye lid hes secure in our relationship l.

midlifecrash · 22/03/2020 10:33

if this is completely out of character is he having some kind of episode?

Do you have ILs/ friends who will tell him what a wanker he is when they realise what he has done to you and the children?

SummerWhisper · 22/03/2020 10:33

What a calculated and cruel act. His punitive behaviour doesn't warrant a single drop of kindness from you or a single thought of reconciliation. His behaviour is completely out of proportion. Have there been other red flags? He sounds brutal.

Today is about you and your wonderful children. Please don't give him a second thought today. I can only imagine how much strength you are going to have to muster in the next few weeks to deal with him.

Carry on as normal, don't contact him and don't make any moves to get him back. He doesn't deserve you. Imagine how dangerous he could be if you had actually done something bad.

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 22/03/2020 10:35

I'm so sorry op. What a shitty thing to do to the children. I agree there may be someone else I'm afraid.

Electrocute1980 · 22/03/2020 10:36

I'm so sorry op Thanks What he has done is beyond cruel. What a selfish bastard. I hope you have some support xx

rainstormsunshine · 22/03/2020 10:36

Thank you for replying, you are all very kind.
I would call my mum, in fact I would go and see her and cry into her shoulder but I can't because she's nearly 70 and I can't risk it. I won't ring because I don't want to spoil her Mother's Day. My best friend is also a mum and I want her to have an nice day too.

Obviously with social distancing and schools shutting, I will be at home looking after my three kids, trying to homeschool and look after a baby. I won't be able to run to my mum or anyone else for the foreseeable and I keep looking around realising I don't even know how long we have our home for. He said that he'd like to ensure he gives me the 'bare minimum' when divorcing. When I asked why, he said that he doesn't want me and my 'next husband' benefitting from 'his money.'

I don't even recognise what's coming out of his mouth. We both work for the NHS, although I am part time and have no idea how I'm going to manage now with no childcare. Even if I could sent my oldest to school as a key worker, my younger two usually go to MILs when I'm working and now we can't do that.

There are so many problems I can barely think straight.

He's downstairs playing with the kids like nothing has happened. My four year old won't leave his side, I think they're frightened he'll just disappear. He said he's speaking to his boss tomorrow so that they'll put him in a hotel for the time being as he's an essential worker and he's planning to frame it as him needing to be away in case any of us get symptoms and he would need to isolate with us.

I'm managing a semi-brave face but I keep popping upstairs to cry. He's seen me quietly sobbing in our room whilst the baby is napping and he just ignores me, like he hates me.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 22/03/2020 10:36

I'm so sorry OP Flowers On mothers day as well, I think he did that on purpose quite honestly.

I know it feels terrible now and I really feel for you but people who do this kind of thing, and I can tell you this from personal experience, only get worse and worse.

Jealousy over something so stupid as well, how else are you supposed to arrange access?

i think in the long run this will all work out for the best, the stress of constantly worrying what he is going to be jealous of next and it could get to the stage where he won't let you leave the house.

Big hugs for now but you will get through this and be happier for it.

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 22/03/2020 10:37

When people show you who they are, believe them.

What I'd take from this, is that you've done a great job of bringing up a lovely, compassionate 8 year old.

Don't let this man undo the work you've done on yourself to recover from the first relationship, not claim the credit for it.

You got this.

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 22/03/2020 10:38

*nor let him claim the credit

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 22/03/2020 10:40

My God, OP. That's horrendous. It's bad enough him using your ex as an excuse to leave, but he could not have gone about it in an unkinder way.

I'm so, so sorry. Flowers

madcatladyforever · 22/03/2020 10:42

And also it isn't up to this bastard what you will get. Make sure he is properly and truly fucked through the courts.
How dare he do this to you on mothers day and during the coronavirus crisis when he knows you won't be able to manage.
How dare he.
Get angry, he isn't worth your tears.

RandomMess · 22/03/2020 10:43

Honestly he sounds no nicer than your Ex! It isn't up to him what you get in a divorce...

Do you have joint accounts, access to his payslips? Time to get your ducks in a row and fast.

I would be very suspicious that there isn't someone else and this is an excuse and it's been planned AngryAngryAngryAngryAngry

If he does get accommodated elsewhere I would ring up CMS and UC and claim as a single parent straight away.

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