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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband has left me

178 replies

rainstormsunshine · 22/03/2020 10:18

I'm sorry because this is a real downer for Mothers Day. Thank you to anyone who takes time to read this.

My husband and I have been married for nearly four years, have been together for nearly six. We have two young children, one is a nine months and the other has just turned four. I also have an eight year old from a previous relationship.

My oldests dad was abusive, and up until recently we'd only communicated by email/text message regarding contact. However, recently we'd been at the same school event at Christmas, managed an amicable conversation and for the sake of my oldest I wanted to improve the way we managed coparenting. My oldest had commented it was nice to see us being friends and I felt guilty and wanted to ensure I changed things. I posted about this issue a couple of days ago under another name if it's sounding familiar.

We've managed to have a meeting to discuss things which was fine, and we now still mainly contact by text as and when needed but have on less than a handful of occasions spoken over the phone to sort longer, more complicated things out.

My husband was well aware of all of this, I discussed everything with him and ensured he was part of the process. However, there has been a recent growing disapproval with the situation. We fell out on Tuesday evening after I'd had to speak to my ex regarding changes to contact due to coronavirus, and it turned out he'd checked previous calls to see how long they were and was unhappy that I had once been on the phone for twenty minutes (we'd had to discuss a holiday my oldest was going on, some swapping round of contact and school progress.) He then claimed he thinks I still have 'feelings' for my ex.

I explained I am doing what's best for my child and have done nothing wrong. I have always been loyal, loving and honest. None of this mattered. We barely spoke for days, despite me trying to discuss and sort things. I have always provided reassurance and been totally transparent, even letting him know when I'll need to have the conversations and what they're about.

Late last night I tried once more to have an honest conversation with the hope of sorting things. I'd been lying awake with him sat downstairs and I just wanted to move on, discuss what was causing such an issue and try to solve things.

He told me that nothing would change his mind, and that he's leaving me.

This morning, after my lovely kids gave me a homemade card that my oldest had made at school, he told them to sit down in the living room, and he said that he was leaving, that he doesn't love mummy anymore but still loves them, and that things were going to change and he was sorry. He told my oldest that it was because of them situation between your mum and your dad' and my kids sat sobbing. My four year old adores their daddy, and keep asking why he has to go away.

I don't even recognise this man. I can't believe he's done this to our children. My oldest keeps asking if I'm having an ok Mother's Day and trying to make me feel better. He doesn't deserve such loving, wonderful people around him. He said so many awful things to me and they keep coming back and I'm having to stifle sobs in front of my little ones.

I am broken.

OP posts:
OutOntheTilez · 22/03/2020 13:59

I'm sorry this has been such a crappy day, on top of everything else that's happening Flowers

I agree with previous posters that he's using your contact with your ex as an excuse. And lining the kids up on Mother's Day, saying he doesn't love Mommy anymore and blaming the oldest is just incredibly vile. Who the fuck does that??

Clearly you are better off without him but first do everything you can now to financially protect yourself and your children.

CodenameVillanelle · 22/03/2020 14:06

Fucking arsehole
I would bet that he's panicked at the thought of not seeing his affair partner for months and has decided to decamp to their house. Otherwise the timing is just insane.

SadSausage44 · 22/03/2020 14:11

Oh my god. I cannot believe what I have just read. My god I thought my ex was a callous heartless bastard, but wow... yours is something else.

If he'd done this on any day of the year that would be bad enough, but on Mother's day AND with the virus situation. He's going to f off and leave you alone with 3 kids?

And how DARE he tell the children in this manner.... how fucking dare he... just when they need as much stability and safety and normalness as possible, he throws this grenade into your lives, without even consulting you about the conversation... whilst you are in total shock.

My love, you won't want to hear this right now, but do not be surprised if there is someone else. If he is using your contact with your ex as an excuse ...... which btw is totally fine (the contact).....In my experience, men rarely leave the wife, kids and home for an empty bed...

I cannot imagine how devastated you are right now....

The usual support you can call on is obviously not really available now..... I'm struggling massively being on my own, it's shit.

Keep talking to people on here, it was a lifeline for me when my stbexh dropped a similar bombshell on me. Hold your kids tight, do NOT beg him to stay..... he's just shown his true colours and ultimately you'll be better off without him in your life.

You poor thing, sending many hugs, I've been there and the pain is horrendous xxx

Hoggleludo · 22/03/2020 14:18

I can't believe that he told your oldest child it was his fault! That's pure cruelty

Hugs for you. It be fair if he's speaking like that to your kids. You don't want him in your life.

chatterbugmegastar · 22/03/2020 14:20

I'd definitely ring his mum on the pretext of trying to understand and let her know what he's done and said

I'd also get all the info you'll need for a divorce scanned or photographed

He's an absolute bastard. A truly revolting man

lmcneil003 · 22/03/2020 14:21

I can't believe that he told your oldest child it was his fault! That's pure cruelty

Better than him blaming it on someone else surely??

Hoggleludo · 22/03/2020 14:27

@Immcneil

Awful advice. Awful awful

You'd take back the man who spoke to your kids like that?

No way. He'd be gone. In a shot

Hoggleludo · 22/03/2020 14:29

What are you on?!?

Better to blame the child than someone else?!?!

You can't even be real. I cannot believe that someone thinks it's better he says those thing to a CHILD!!!

Fuck off out of here. Good god

Poppi89 · 22/03/2020 14:30

@lmcneil003 How is it better than blaming it on someone else? How is it the childs fault in any way?

TimeforanotherChange · 22/03/2020 14:38

I'm so sorry for you. He sounds horrible. In your position (and I have been there) I would gather what shreds of dignity I could around myself today and be as cheerful with the kids as possible.

Him I would utterly ignore and have no further conversation on the subject. As others say, I'd be sorting out the finances and the Shit Hot lawyer to take him for every single penny I could to protect my children's future.

I would never, ever bother to be anything other than coldly civil to someone who dared blame my child for him not loving me anymore. And as others say, I'm damn sure he's used this as an excuse for his own inadequacies or affair.

CodenameVillanelle · 22/03/2020 14:59

@lmcneil003 what are you on about? He should be taking responsibility for his own actions, not blaming them on a child for fuck sake

FlockofGulls · 22/03/2020 15:25

@lmcneil003

Glad I'm not your child.

Why not hop off and infect another thread with your nasty posts. The OP here doesn't need your vitriol.

Wereallsquare · 22/03/2020 15:52

I hope your oldest is getting extra hugs and reassurance from you that it is not his/her fault at all.

Your husband sounds like a true psychopath. No hyperbole. You are well rid, even though it probably doesn't feel like it now. I bet in the coming days and weeks you will look back and see psychopathic traits that you may have ignored or missed. I bet he's really charming.

I am sorry for your pain and the pain of your children.

Greenkit · 22/03/2020 16:00

Wow just wow

Fantastic advice x

SunshineCake · 22/03/2020 16:05

Give it time. COVID is making people insane. It will call down, he will apologise and come back. It takes time. Don't chase him.

I can't believe that he told your oldest child it was his fault! That's pure cruelty

Better than him blaming it on someone else surely??

Really pathetic and embarrassingly bad advice from the same poster.

samiriana · 22/03/2020 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

asmuchuseas · 22/03/2020 16:28

@samiriana I think you might want to start your own thread

lmcneil003 · 22/03/2020 16:31

Apologies everyone. I read it that the man was blaming himself, NOT his son.
Obviously blaming his son is bonkers and cruel

YgritteSnow · 22/03/2020 16:31

He's not having an affair. In fact I don't think he's got any intention whatsoever of leaving. He whined and complained about your better relationship with your ex and that didn't work, he went silent and withholding and that didn't work, he's now gone to defcon 1 and is terrorising and using your children to get you to submit to his will. Next step physical violence, I would put money on it. Be careful.

Your marriage is over, there's no coming back from this. Start making your own plans for you and your children's future.

sunshinemachine · 22/03/2020 16:32

hes a cunt op, sorry x

Longdistance · 22/03/2020 16:32

I’m suspicious at the fact he accused you of having an affair. Classic case of deflection surely? He’s been planning something in the foreground as he’s leaving in a hurry and ‘planned’ the divorce.
Hope you got lots of cuddles from your babies Flowers

Babooshkar · 22/03/2020 16:39

What an absolute total and utter cunt!

Highly suspect timing as well.

So sorry OP Flowers

OhCaptain · 22/03/2020 17:30

Let her day be spoiled rather than your Mums...

@RandomMess that’s horrible! His mum has done nothing wrong. What a weird attitude.Hmm

OhCaptain · 22/03/2020 17:31

@Imcneil003 are you on a wind up?

I’ve seen some batshit posts about covid19 but yours takes the trophy. It’s covid’s fault? I mean, really???

hellodinasour · 22/03/2020 17:39

Omg this is the saddest thing I have read . I'm so sorry . I can't imagine what your going through . Guess what Reckon he will come crawling back . His ego has been kicked because he was the only man in your lives and now in his head he isn't . His true colours have come out . As much as your hurting now and as much as you want everything to go back to normal that fact that he ha done this to your children I wouldn't ever let him back in . I hope you get the support you need ❤️ we are all here for you x

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