My husband has left me

[rainstormsunshine]

I'm sorry because this is a real downer for Mothers Day. Thank you to anyone who takes time to read this.

My husband and I have been married for nearly four years, have been together for nearly six. We have two young children, one is a nine months and the other has just turned four. I also have an eight year old from a previous relationship.

My oldests dad was abusive, and up until recently we'd only communicated by email/text message regarding contact. However, recently we'd been at the same school event at Christmas, managed an amicable conversation and for the sake of my oldest I wanted to improve the way we managed coparenting. My oldest had commented it was nice to see us being friends and I felt guilty and wanted to ensure I changed things. I posted about this issue a couple of days ago under another name if it's sounding familiar.

We've managed to have a meeting to discuss things which was fine, and we now still mainly contact by text as and when needed but have on less than a handful of occasions spoken over the phone to sort longer, more complicated things out.

My husband was well aware of all of this, I discussed everything with him and ensured he was part of the process. However, there has been a recent growing disapproval with the situation. We fell out on Tuesday evening after I'd had to speak to my ex regarding changes to contact due to coronavirus, and it turned out he'd checked previous calls to see how long they were and was unhappy that I had once been on the phone for twenty minutes (we'd had to discuss a holiday my oldest was going on, some swapping round of contact and school progress.) He then claimed he thinks I still have 'feelings' for my ex.

I explained I am doing what's best for my child and have done nothing wrong. I have always been loyal, loving and honest. None of this mattered. We barely spoke for days, despite me trying to discuss and sort things. I have always provided reassurance and been totally transparent, even letting him know when I'll need to have the conversations and what they're about.

Late last night I tried once more to have an honest conversation with the hope of sorting things. I'd been lying awake with him sat downstairs and I just wanted to move on, discuss what was causing such an issue and try to solve things.

He told me that nothing would change his mind, and that he's leaving me.

This morning, after my lovely kids gave me a homemade card that my oldest had made at school, he told them to sit down in the living room, and he said that he was leaving, that he doesn't love mummy anymore but still loves them, and that things were going to change and he was sorry. He told my oldest that it was because of them situation between your mum and your dad' and my kids sat sobbing. My four year old adores their daddy, and keep asking why he has to go away.

I don't even recognise this man. I can't believe he's done this to our children. My oldest keeps asking if I'm having an ok Mother's Day and trying to make me feel better. He doesn't deserve such loving, wonderful people around him. He said so many awful things to me and they keep coming back and I'm having to stifle sobs in front of my little ones.

I am broken.

I can't believe I'm going to have to break my 8yr olds world apart again. I left his dad when he was three, I had to basically flee, and I was so proud of the home and life I'd managed to provide for us.

Part of speaking amicably to my ex was showing him I'm no longer frightened of him. That I've grown up and moved on and I'm now someone who won't be intimidated. I always maintained a healthy boundary and was pleased we would be able to manage being in the same social situations as needed as my oldest grows up. My own parents divorced and hated each other and it was always a worry how things would be if they had to be in the same place.

My husbands parents are together, and he's their world, but they also really like me and know I'm a decent person and a good mum. I would hope they'll tell him what an utter arsehole he's been, but realistically it's too late anyway. You can't speak to our children like that and expect things to be ok.

I would imagine when he tells them he'll frame it as 'something going on' between me and ex anyway, because he's a spineless twat.

I agree something else must be behind it, but I haven't seen anything that indicates an affair. Maybe I've just been blind. Or exhausted

What a toxic piece of shit!! Being jealous is unreasonable enough but sitting your children down and being so unbelievably cruel to tour kids, especially your eldest is unforgivable.

Time to get angry op. Kick him out and stay in the house. You're a primary carer with 3 kids so he won't be able to just give you the bare minimum.

Contact a solicitor tomorrow and also see what you would be entitled to in benefits. If you are no longer with him, you can start claiming straight away even if still live together or not divorced.

If your ex was abusive don't consider him on your side either, just continue keeping things amicable.

Make sure you talk to your children in a way they understand that they aren't the problem and you will be ok. Especially your eldest.

And even if it's mother's day, I think you should speak to your mum. As a mum, i would want my children to speak to me regardless of what day it was.

All the best op.

He said that he'd like to ensure he gives me the 'bare minimum' when divorcing. When I asked why, he said that he doesn't want me and my 'next husband' benefitting from 'his money.'

Wow. @rainstormsunshine... I know you are devastated right now, but I hope this callousness of his will help you find your anger. But make sure you use your anger constructively, to focus on the practicalities and make sure that he cannot get away with financial abuse.

Remember, knowledge is power. So, here is a check-list:

1. Gather and copy all financial information: bank and investment statements, house deeds, mortgage, salary slips, P60s, pensions (the latter can be more valuable than house equity!)
2. Ditto marriage and birth certificates
3. Read up at Wikivorce and get one or two books about the divorce process, particularly about division of assets.
4. Do your homework, i.e. collate everything and fill in as much of the divorce forms as you can as this will save you lots of expensive legal fees.
5. See a competent family solicitor. Don't try to do this on your own, whatever he says. Chances are you'll get at least 50% of gross assets, potentially even more.

Don't let him take you to the cleaners. If ever there's a time not to fall apart, this is it.

You can do this - and you WILL thrive

Bloody hell op
No words just a sisterly fist bump.

No words - was expecting him to say he needed time to think, wanted a bit of distance, but to sit everyone down and say he doesn't love you anymore in front of your children, and then suggesting it was the oldest fault because he wanted his parents to be on better terms?

So sorry.

Call your mum. I'm sure she will want to support you now - it won't ruin her Mother's Day. Supporting our children is a huge part of being a mother - let her do that for you.

I would actually ring his Mum and ask if he's said anything to them as you are utterly bewildered and in shock that he thinks you would have any feelings for your ex.

Basically get I there first before he feeds them bullshit. Let her day be spoiled rather than your Mums...

Jesus Christ.

I've read a lot of stories of shitty men on here, but this is a whole new level of callousness.

OP I can't even begin to imagine how horrible you're feeling right now. I'm so sorry you've had this pathetic, shitty, weak little man turn your and your children's lives upside down today.

I don't have any decent advice for you, other than to say treat yourself and your kids as gently as you can, for as long as you need to, but just know that there will be a huge raft of advice and support on here for you.

What an utterly horrible man.

How DARE he gaslight and abuse your children by giving them that speech full of lies and nastiness.

You are 100% better off without him. He doesn't think you're having an affair, by the way - the reason will be that either he is already, OR he's got his eye on someone and wants out, OR he's a jealous, insecure fuckwit who's built a fantasy world in which he's the manly rescuer of everyone and simply can't bear seeing you tackle the situation with your ex and move towards a different status quo.

All of those reasons make him a waste of space and a nasty piece of work you can do without.

If you get on with his parents I would contact them and tell them what you would like to say, that you understand that they'll be wanting to support him but that you want to be able to keep in contact with them directly. Especially as some of his comments about wanting to treat you as badly as he can in the divorce make you think that he might actually be having some sort of breakdown :)

Sow the seeds of doubt with them and show them you want the best for the children.

Also, get onto the financials as soon as you can. House, pension, maintenance. You'll get great advice on all that stuff on here.

You've had a lucky lucky escape. It may not feel like it now, but you have. This man is an absolute piece of shit. And he's very probably already been cheating on you - I'd stake a large wad of cash on that.

Oh op, I am so, so sorry. That is brutal behaviour from a deeply unpleasant man. Words fail me really, I find it hard to believe anyone would be so cruel. Please reach out - virtually - to family and friends in RL and we are here also.

He isn't jealous. He was just using that as an excuse.

^^This.

I'm so sorry, OP. Your H is a cunt! Things look bleak now but they will get better.

But this could go on for months! The Company won’t pay for him to be in hotel for months will they? What happens when lockdown happens in few weeks and they close? And estate agents / letting agents shut? Either this is a wind-up of sorts or there is someone else.

what a cruel bastard. Make him go now OP, tell him to isolate himself in a hotel away from you.

tomorrow, game head on - universal credit - start applying. Its absolutely shit but do not panic yet, you have this.

Im so sorry OP

I would do what @RandomMess suggests.

I also suspect that there is more to this that meets the eye initially. It will come to light no doubt. I am so so sorry. What an utterly heartless thing to do.

I am so sorry, he is horrendous.

I think I can relate to your experience and my view is that his anger is triggered because you are not deferring to him.

This also fits with the cruel way he handled the conversation with the children and his threats over finances. I had exactly the same. Sadly he is likely to follow through on his threats.

He may move on quickly and could have someone that he is leaning on but he will not be representing the situation fairly and will portray himself as the victim.

He is likely to genuinely feel you are completely unreasonable as his sense of entitlement means you should obey him. If he feels insecure then you must do whatever to stop his negative feelings.

Everyone's feelings in the household rank lower than his - as demonstrated by his cruel conversation with the children.

In my situation I realised, too late, that Ex H was a covert narcissist. It all made perfect sense afterwards once I had this knowledge.

You will be shell shocked but know that you are not unreasonable. He is the issue. Should you beg him to reverse his decision you will just hand him more power however he has dropped this bombshell on you at a very bad time, when you are most vulnerable. This is also very typical.

Keep talking on here, very few people in the real world may understand what you are going through but the MN community does have experience.

You can get this this and you sound like a wonderful mum and person.

He thinks the NHS are going to pay for a hotel for him and he's going to lie about why he wants one?

No chance.

He sounds a bit loopy tbh as well as incredibly horrible.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, you have done absolutely nothing wrong and sound like a wonderful mother. Continue to smother them with love especially your older one who may need reassuring he should not feel bad! When he is out of the house it will hopefully give you chance to try and find your new normal. This man does not sound like he deserves you. The best advice I have from experience is to try and stay calm and not say anything you will regret in the heat of the moment. Lots of hugs x

Wow. This is unbelievable. I think he’ll find it’s not down to him in terms of what support he is obliged to provide to the children and what share of assets you receive

He sounds totally hideous. If possible, I would try and get him into a hotel and away from you ASAP if possible. Although, I’m not sure his analysis is right in terms of the nhs paying. My DH and other colleagues are very high risk for getting the virus and have just been left to get on with it

You should get legal,advice ASAP. Look on the law society website (either fir Scotland or England and Wales) and find a family law specialist you can speak to. In gather all paperwork etc. Dint tell him you are doing this

I am shocked at his purposeful cruelty to your children and you

Actually the most shitty thing he has done is put a lot of guilt onto your poor eight year old.
For me that would make me ask him to get out of the house immediately. How dare he tell an 8 year old that he doesn't love Mummy any more because she's been "too friendly" with the 8 year olds Dad.
Children do tend to blame themselves - and he has basically told one child its his fault, and your 4 year old is now learning that if things aren't "just right" then parents can leave you.
He is an utter disgrace.

What an absolute shit! Sending to you op!

I honestly would never normally say this - I'm a great believer in 'when someone tells you who they are, believe them' - but do you think he is mentally well? Because this is just beyond a normal reaction and so unbelievably cruel to your children.

But I suspect, as always, that the simplest explanation is the most likely - there is an OW, she is freaking out about corona virus and has impelled him to take action. The NHS hotel is her house. I'm so sorry OP.

While he's downstairs with the kids, take photos of payslips etc. Remember, it's not up to him how much you 'get' in a divorce. And you're going to need RL support, it doesn't matter that it's mothers' day. He is so cruel.

He's still playing with the kids, acting the doting father. Normally it mainly falls to me to entertain them on the weekend as he is working or doing his flipping cycling hobby!

He won't leave. I asked him to this morning and he just says he won't as he has a right to be here. I can't force him and won't have it out in front of the kids, their day has been shit enough. Four year old is still glued to him, poor little mite.

So I'm having to manage knowing that tomorrow he'll be sorting out accommodation and that most likely by Tuesday, he'll be gone. I'd like space, but the end is so definite it feels like a kick.

People have it so much worse right now, they're losing loved ones and there's panic and fear everywhere. I almost feels like he's done this so it can go 'under the radar' more than it usually would.

I think what a pp said about him having built up this stupid hero fantasy could be right. He could well be having an affair, or at the very least hiding something big, but I've no idea what and nothing to go on. Suppose it doesn't matter if he's pulled the plug anyways.

Thank you for all your lovely advice. Posts on here are actually making this bearable.

He's trying to control you. He will come back and say the NHS won't pay for a hotel (of course they won't) and he will hang around like a bad smell.

This is going to be tough but you've seen his true colours now. Who the hell tells an 8 year old they are leaving because of the contact with the child's father.

My first thoughts on reading the thread is that there is another woman.

Please don't take him back if he changes his mind. There are ways of leaving if you are unhappy and then there are ways of leaving. He's shown his true colours.