Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband has left me

178 replies

rainstormsunshine · 22/03/2020 10:18

I'm sorry because this is a real downer for Mothers Day. Thank you to anyone who takes time to read this.

My husband and I have been married for nearly four years, have been together for nearly six. We have two young children, one is a nine months and the other has just turned four. I also have an eight year old from a previous relationship.

My oldests dad was abusive, and up until recently we'd only communicated by email/text message regarding contact. However, recently we'd been at the same school event at Christmas, managed an amicable conversation and for the sake of my oldest I wanted to improve the way we managed coparenting. My oldest had commented it was nice to see us being friends and I felt guilty and wanted to ensure I changed things. I posted about this issue a couple of days ago under another name if it's sounding familiar.

We've managed to have a meeting to discuss things which was fine, and we now still mainly contact by text as and when needed but have on less than a handful of occasions spoken over the phone to sort longer, more complicated things out.

My husband was well aware of all of this, I discussed everything with him and ensured he was part of the process. However, there has been a recent growing disapproval with the situation. We fell out on Tuesday evening after I'd had to speak to my ex regarding changes to contact due to coronavirus, and it turned out he'd checked previous calls to see how long they were and was unhappy that I had once been on the phone for twenty minutes (we'd had to discuss a holiday my oldest was going on, some swapping round of contact and school progress.) He then claimed he thinks I still have 'feelings' for my ex.

I explained I am doing what's best for my child and have done nothing wrong. I have always been loyal, loving and honest. None of this mattered. We barely spoke for days, despite me trying to discuss and sort things. I have always provided reassurance and been totally transparent, even letting him know when I'll need to have the conversations and what they're about.

Late last night I tried once more to have an honest conversation with the hope of sorting things. I'd been lying awake with him sat downstairs and I just wanted to move on, discuss what was causing such an issue and try to solve things.

He told me that nothing would change his mind, and that he's leaving me.

This morning, after my lovely kids gave me a homemade card that my oldest had made at school, he told them to sit down in the living room, and he said that he was leaving, that he doesn't love mummy anymore but still loves them, and that things were going to change and he was sorry. He told my oldest that it was because of them situation between your mum and your dad' and my kids sat sobbing. My four year old adores their daddy, and keep asking why he has to go away.

I don't even recognise this man. I can't believe he's done this to our children. My oldest keeps asking if I'm having an ok Mother's Day and trying to make me feel better. He doesn't deserve such loving, wonderful people around him. He said so many awful things to me and they keep coming back and I'm having to stifle sobs in front of my little ones.

I am broken.

OP posts:
Wetcarparkrain · 22/03/2020 12:35

So unbelievably, unnecessarily, sadistically cruel to you and all your children.

Right. Say you need a minute to cry alone in the bathroom and sweep all joint savings and money into your account. You cannot trust someone who is so batshit and nasty to do the right thing (which would be allocating money to pay mortgage, provide for kids) and since in this weird situation you can’t just find new/more childcare and up your hours, you need access to all the money you can get. Do it now before he does (and to check he hasn’t already). He’s clearly planning to dust the children and work full time, so he needs money less than you right now.

Just start to grey rock him now. You can’t force him out of the house today or there’ll be a row that will distress your children.

I’m SO sorry this has happened to you. What an utter shitbag, what the hell IS he thinking??

Bunionbandit · 22/03/2020 12:35

I’ve been through a similar situation 20 years ago when my two children were 9 & 4 yrs old. I then dealt with a yo-yo situation for the next year with Husband regretting what he did & asking for a reconciliation, blaming PTSD from a fatal accident at work that he had been distantly involved in. I took him back, just for him to walk out again 9 months later. I then stupidly took him back again one more time after that. When his ‘girlfriend’ of more than 2 years tracked me down & phoned me at work I finally joined the dots looking back. I chucked him out & found the strength to keep my resolve despite him begging for another chance. It’s hard just to stop loving someone even when they have behaved terribly towards you. I regretted wasting over a year of my life with the yo-yoing and always feel his ‘girlfriend’ did me a huge favour.

My advice (as I think some of the other posters on here are correct there is an OW) would be start divorce proceedings now, never take him back, move on with your life and you will be happy again in the future.

Best wishes and remember you are strong, you are a mum & you can do this. Call on support from your friends & family, you will need them and they will be there for you 💜.

champagneandfromage50 · 22/03/2020 12:38

So he just went off and told the kids he was leaving but hasn't actually left , told your eldest it was because of you and his dad. Were you aware that he was planning to sit your young children down? You need to stop being so passive.... I wouldn't be leaving my DC around a man who is so emotionally detached and dreadful - call his mum and ask if he can go to hers

SudokuQueen · 22/03/2020 12:43

I don’t instantly think affair, I think he’s throwing his toys out of the pram... on a big scale.

This. He will have loved the fact you didn't get along with your ex, he can't handle that you do now. He is jealous and throwing a tantrum. Kick the child out, you don't need 4 of them.

Wrybread · 22/03/2020 12:44

Another one here who thinks he's just trying to find an excuse to leave. Also, why would the NHS pay for a hotel for him, when they're not even testing NHS workers for CV-19? Sounds much more likely that he already has somewhere to go and doesn't want you to know.

He's not the person you thought he was, a nirmal person doesn't behave like this. Who announces they're leaving, on mother's day, and then stays for ages making it even harder for his children?

Thinkingabout1t · 22/03/2020 13:01

Damn him to hell for blaming your 8-year-old. That alone ,akes him unforgiveable. I wonder if he’s always secretly resented her.

As for “giving” you the bare minimum when you divorce, he can stuff his stupid ideas up his arse. He doesn’t get to choose, it’s a legal process and it’s not a gift from him anyway.

I’m sorry you’ve had this horrible shock, OP. You sound so very considerate and must be a lovely mum. Best of luck in remaking a better lifd without this horrible man.

Thinkingabout1t · 22/03/2020 13:04

Say you need a minute to cry alone in the bathroom and sweep all joint savings and money into your account. Very wise words there, and you’re getting goodadvice from others too.

Do take quick action to protect your financial interests, and get a good lawyer. Keeping notes of everything may be helpful too.

JasonBrun · 22/03/2020 13:06

What a fucking tool. How could he be so so awful to your son. Get as angry as you can, that will help.

onalongsabbatical · 22/03/2020 13:10

Yes, clean out the money ASAP, and can you ask him to fetch something from the shops and then bolt or lock him out?
He's unspeakable. I feel cold rage on your behalf OP. Now of all times, as if it wasn't bad enough.
Do you have a male relative who could help you get rid of him?

madmumofteens · 22/03/2020 13:14

Oh OP what a piece of shit he is so cruel to do this today of all days 💐for you xx

Poppi89 · 22/03/2020 13:17

@Wrybread I agree! Either that or that's just a threat and he has no intention of leaving he just wants her to beg him not to go and do what he says like not speaking to the ex.

Fairycake2 · 22/03/2020 13:17

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I promise it will get better although it won't feel like it yet. This has some similarities to my story. My stbx left and blamed my DD from another relationship. He wouldn't discuss it and wouldn't even try to work things out. I had no idea he was unhappy or felt the way he did until 2 weeks before he left. Luckily for me we dont have DC together so I haven't seen him since the day he left but the way he's gone about it has been very cruel and unkind. To blame a child is the lowest thing you can do. Try and stay angry, it helps and definitely get your ducks in a row. Sending virtual hugs 💐

Poppi89 · 22/03/2020 13:18

@rainstormsunshine If he doesn't leave is there anywhere you can go with the kids?

AlexaAmbidextra · 22/03/2020 13:19

can you ask him to fetch something from the shops and then bolt or lock him out?

Of course she can’t. That would be really lovely for already distressed children wouldn’t it? Daddy banging on the door and screaming to be let in while they all cowered inside.

SuperbMonkey · 22/03/2020 13:25

@rainstormsunshine, I’m so sorry to read this. There are a group of us on the ‘Some Friendly Words - Support Group 2’ dealing with the same situation - unexpected departure of husbands at time when we were vulnerable. Some have children, or are pregnant, and some, like me, do not have children. We cover a wide range of ages. You might find some help there as well as in your own thread. 💐

Apricot10 · 22/03/2020 13:25

What a vile thing to do to you and your children on Mother's day of all days. I am stunned OP, just get through today and then take each day as it comes.
Reach out to people to, as much as you can at the moment. Have you got a friend you can text or call?

5LeafClover · 22/03/2020 13:30

Flowers Shame on him for off loading his crappy anger onto children. Shame on him for putting himself first at a time of national crisis. Flowers to you OP. Head up, brush him off and one step at a time as best as you can. I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

egginabap · 22/03/2020 13:33

Your husband is a piece of shit.

You will get through this I promise. Let this loser go. What kind of man says that to a child.

HDDD · 22/03/2020 13:39

Good grief, what an utter arsehole. Be kind to yourself.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 22/03/2020 13:39

I totally agree with the OP who said he’s just making up excuses to end it and making you out to be the bad guy. You are not, and while it’s so hard right now, you will get through this, and one day in the future you will be grateful you don’t have this awful person polluting your life.

Also the person who said he doesn’t get to decide what you get is correct.

Sending you strength and best wishes. 💐

Hopeisnotastrategy · 22/03/2020 13:43

And if it’s any consolation whatsoever, with all the awful things going on in the world right now, the very LAST thing any financial institution is going to be interested in is getting you out of your home. Stay calm. Xx

Womenwotlunch · 22/03/2020 13:46

He is having an affair and wants to spend time with the other woman during the coronavirus scare.

Womenwotlunch · 22/03/2020 13:53

He’s an evil bastard telling the kids that he doesn’t love their mother. He could have just left .

LadyBrienneofTarth · 22/03/2020 13:56

He is either a complete dickhead of the highest order or yes using this as an excuse to leave and justify (wrongly) his crap behavior .... or both

Either way - take care of you and the children emotionally and financially and make the little penis head leave your home so you can at least breathe and take care of your children without LPH (little penis head) around

lmcneil003 · 22/03/2020 13:58

Give it time. COVID is making people insane. It will call down, he will apologise and come back. It takes time. Don't chase him.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread