Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband has left me

178 replies

rainstormsunshine · 22/03/2020 10:18

I'm sorry because this is a real downer for Mothers Day. Thank you to anyone who takes time to read this.

My husband and I have been married for nearly four years, have been together for nearly six. We have two young children, one is a nine months and the other has just turned four. I also have an eight year old from a previous relationship.

My oldests dad was abusive, and up until recently we'd only communicated by email/text message regarding contact. However, recently we'd been at the same school event at Christmas, managed an amicable conversation and for the sake of my oldest I wanted to improve the way we managed coparenting. My oldest had commented it was nice to see us being friends and I felt guilty and wanted to ensure I changed things. I posted about this issue a couple of days ago under another name if it's sounding familiar.

We've managed to have a meeting to discuss things which was fine, and we now still mainly contact by text as and when needed but have on less than a handful of occasions spoken over the phone to sort longer, more complicated things out.

My husband was well aware of all of this, I discussed everything with him and ensured he was part of the process. However, there has been a recent growing disapproval with the situation. We fell out on Tuesday evening after I'd had to speak to my ex regarding changes to contact due to coronavirus, and it turned out he'd checked previous calls to see how long they were and was unhappy that I had once been on the phone for twenty minutes (we'd had to discuss a holiday my oldest was going on, some swapping round of contact and school progress.) He then claimed he thinks I still have 'feelings' for my ex.

I explained I am doing what's best for my child and have done nothing wrong. I have always been loyal, loving and honest. None of this mattered. We barely spoke for days, despite me trying to discuss and sort things. I have always provided reassurance and been totally transparent, even letting him know when I'll need to have the conversations and what they're about.

Late last night I tried once more to have an honest conversation with the hope of sorting things. I'd been lying awake with him sat downstairs and I just wanted to move on, discuss what was causing such an issue and try to solve things.

He told me that nothing would change his mind, and that he's leaving me.

This morning, after my lovely kids gave me a homemade card that my oldest had made at school, he told them to sit down in the living room, and he said that he was leaving, that he doesn't love mummy anymore but still loves them, and that things were going to change and he was sorry. He told my oldest that it was because of them situation between your mum and your dad' and my kids sat sobbing. My four year old adores their daddy, and keep asking why he has to go away.

I don't even recognise this man. I can't believe he's done this to our children. My oldest keeps asking if I'm having an ok Mother's Day and trying to make me feel better. He doesn't deserve such loving, wonderful people around him. He said so many awful things to me and they keep coming back and I'm having to stifle sobs in front of my little ones.

I am broken.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 22/03/2020 11:45

What kind of a nasty, cowardly piece of work does something like this?
Nasty, for what he said to the DCs, and for doing this to you when you have plenty of other worries, like all NHS working parents.
Cowardly because he is using a piss-poor reason as an excuse and blaming it on an innocent child.
What a waste of oxygen.
I got an email yesterday to say NHS would sort accommodation if someone at home comes down with symptoms and I've not been exposed, so that I can carry on working.
Accommodation so you can leave your wife and kids was not mentioned, strangely.
What a tosser.
Cake Brew and a virtual hug to you, OP.

caz114 · 22/03/2020 11:45

OMG, I'm so sorry.

like others have said get practical now and fall apart later when you have got him out of the house.

Legal advice ASAP

Phone your mum if you need too, she will be angry with you if she knew you, her baby, was suffering and her grandkids, and you hadn't reached out. It's what mums are for.

and most important DO NOT leave the house, in case he changes the locks on you

FuckOffCorona · 22/03/2020 11:46

You have done absolutely nothing wrong OP - he is an arsehole who was obviously looking for a way out and seized on this as his opportunity. Maybe there is another woman, or maybe he just wants another life. Whatever the reason, he’s a prick.

If he has explicitly said he wants to give you the bare minimum you are going to need a lawyer. Presumably the reason you work part time is because you are providing a lot of childcare for your kids - he can’t reap the career benefits of having you provide most of the childcare and then swan off leaving you with nothing.

Speak to a solicitor as soon as possible, even though it hurts and you don’t want to deal with it. Now is the time to act on that front.

I’m so, so sorry you are going through this.

qazxc · 22/03/2020 11:50

I am shocked at how callous, cold and intentionally hurtful he is being. He has designed this to cause maximum hurt, the fucking sadist.
I agree with pp that now is the time to get your ducks in a row and find your (productive) anger.

pooopypants · 22/03/2020 11:53

He's an utter cunt OP. You will get past this, but give it time. He can't cope with you speaking to the father of your child? He's pathetic and you're better off without him

Please know that you can always come here and vent, outpour or whatever you need to do.

Happy mother's day OP Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2020 11:55

I also think you should go for a walk. Call his mother and tell her exactly what her vile son said. Be devastated. Ask her if she will be continuing to look after your dcs especially with the coronavirus situation. Tell her how upset your 4 yo ds is in particular. She’s his blood grandma and doting mother to her vile son. Maybe she will get how horrible he is being and offer you support.

As for phrasing leaving you as self isolating from the family. Words fail me. He is a vile weasel, who isn’t prepared to own his behaviour. Tbh I think you left one abuser for another. [ flowers]

LEELULUMPKIN · 22/03/2020 11:55

What a total and utter bastard. I am so, so sorry OP. Today of all days. He really couldn't wait another 24 hours.

I very rarely use this word but cunt is not even near what he is.

I wish I could help in some practical way x

EverythingChanges321 · 22/03/2020 11:58

I’m so sorry OP. I suspect he won’t leave but is trying to control you with the threat of leaving. What a grade A bastard.

He needs to go now for your sake and that of your lovely family. Your poor 8yr old DS. Chuck him out.

What a shitty excuse for a human being.

You really don’t need him. You will be much better off without him in the longer term. Look to the much brighter future you and your family will enjoy without this arsewipe hanging around.

Ryah1 · 22/03/2020 12:00

I’m so sorry that you and your children are being put through this. This ‘man’ is disgusting. How DARE he play nice guy with your children when he’s abandoning his family at a time of crisis. How DARE he dictate to your, the mother of his children, how life’s going to be because of his actions. Kick his arse OUT., tell him just how it’s going to be, what his responsibilities are. You and your kids are your priority, not him and I get that you can’t switch off your feelings.. but he’s switched his off. Find your mama strength and show this bastard you won’t be walked over.... doing your crying in private, he doesn’t deserve your tears.

kpdchudleigh · 22/03/2020 12:00

OP, I am so sorry this is your reality today. What a horrible man he has shown himself to be.

As a survivor myself and having worked for a domestic abuse agency I can tell you that sometimes we fall into patterns of picking abusive partners, usually (but not always) due to experiences with difficult family dynamics when we were children. Abuse is absolutely what you're experiencing right now. He has gaslighted you, threatened financial abuse and been emotionally abusive to your children.

I agree that you need to be practical now and there has already been great advice but I'd recommend reaching out to your local domestic abuse agency for practical and emotional support going forward. Part of your role now is to model healthy relationships for your children and you will do that by maintaining boundaries to show the behaviour they've been subject to this morning is utterly, wholeheartedly wrong.

Sending a virtual hug.

Wakaranaihito · 22/03/2020 12:01

Cruel. Cruel. Cruel. My heart goes out to you. How manipulative and unfair. You will be fine. I'm with the others on here saying 'Get angry'. Kick him out today. You and the kids don't need this. Don't let him call the shots. Whatever happens he will paint himself as the victim anyway so you may as well give him something to cry about..

Beansandcoffee · 22/03/2020 12:02

I’m so sorry. What a horrible man. Blaming your eldest son is wicked. Show your eldest that you will not tolerate such abuse and kick your H out. Then sit on the sofa and give your eldest the biggest hug possible.

SummerWhisper · 22/03/2020 12:04

Things to do today:

-Ignore him
-Pour huge amounts of love over all of your children and have a great day with them
-Tell the 8 year old that your STBXH is speaking nonsense and to ignore him
-Tell the children that you will have a mother's day celebration once public isolation is over
-Phone his mum and tell her what he has done and ask for her support with the children for the coming weeks
-Photograph (or hide) as many financial and legal documents as you can
-If he tries to discuss anything about the separation, tell him all communication will be through your respective solicitors
-Don't give him any power. He has underestimated you. You have won in the past, you will win again.

I am absolutely rooting for you @rainstormsunshine Flowers

Theyrecomingtotakemeawayhaha · 22/03/2020 12:05

He well and truly burnt his bridges didn't he.
When you get time OP check out your money situation as he has been planning this.
If he gets accomodation it will only be for 14 days but that gives you breathing space.
Give your 8year old lots of reassurance and harness your anger to help you move forward.

Kit19 · 22/03/2020 12:07

Everytime I think the bottom of the barrel in terms of behaviour has been reached, a post like this comes along :(

OP I can only imagine what you are going through. Your husband is utterly appalling awful - cold, calculated & cruel

@SummerWhisper advice is spot on

Sending hugs to you xx

FlockofGulls · 22/03/2020 12:12

Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers

What a truly horrible man.

You are well rid, although it doesn't feel like that at the moment.

And as for this: He said that he'd like to ensure he gives me the 'bare minimum' when divorcing. When I asked why, he said that he doesn't want me and my 'next husband' benefitting from 'his money.'

You've been given amazingly good advice upthread. Ask here and around, for a SHL (shit hot lawyer) and get him to pay out every penny you can. He has the responsibility for two children. He needs to ay for that with cash, if he can't be bothered to pay for that in love & loyalty.

I'm not one for "There must be another woman" but on reading your OP, it's what I thought of immediately. I've observed over my (longish) life that men don't leave to be on their own - they usually have another woman lined up.

SudokuQueen · 22/03/2020 12:17

He is an utterly truly vile cunt. I would be sending a text to his parents to tell them exactly what he said. And ask them to take him in.

Then while he is playing Disney dad like the stupid twat he is, I'd be finding all documents I could and hiding them.

Then pack his shit and throw it out for him to take to his parents.

And on Monday find a really good lawyer and do not take the easy way out and let him have what he wants. Take that stingy bastard to the cleaners. String him up for every penny you can.

Nameisthegame · 22/03/2020 12:22

Do you have a joint account? You need to take half out ASAP he sounds like the sort of guy who will take it all!

Qwerty543 · 22/03/2020 12:24

What a horrible thing to tell your 8 year old! He'll think it's his fault. Reassure him asap. Can you take him for a walk somewhere quiet?

I never say this but take the bastard to the cleaners.

Poppi89 · 22/03/2020 12:25

I am just waiting for him to say he can't stay anywhere else (so has to stay in the family home) or give OP the ultimatum that it's either him or the ex ( if the DD hasn't already said she will stop seeing her dad).

SunshineCake · 22/03/2020 12:28

What an absolute shit to say that to your eldest. I know it won't feel like it but it is for the best. That kind of man is no good around your children. Consider what you will do when he comes crawling back though. He will and he will get worse if you accept this crappy treatment.

Hunker down with your kids and cut this bastard off.

Mondayblues33 · 22/03/2020 12:30

I don’t instantly think affair, I think he’s throwing his toys out of the pram... on a big scale. Don’t give in to him. Call his bluff, he wants to leave, let him leave! He’s shown a horrid side to him that you can never trust again.

Ariela · 22/03/2020 12:33

He sounds vile, and definitely up to something.

I'd tell him he has to leave today and go and live with her.

whodoyouthinksheis · 22/03/2020 12:33
Flowers
VioletVerity · 22/03/2020 12:34

Wow what an absolute piece of shit this man is. To do this to you on Mother's Day, tell your children as quick as he's told you & tell you he wants to give you the bare minimum after divorce is actually mind blowing. What a horrible, evil person. As PP mentioned, is he mentally okay?

OP I can't even explain how much I feel for you right now, I really wish I could give you a real life hug. You are doing amazing that you are still going, as awful and painful as it is now - I really hope this is a blessing in disguise. I'm sure there is something waiting out there for you much better than this.

I'm sure your children are a credit to you as you dealing with this extremely well. Thanks

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.