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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband has left me

178 replies

rainstormsunshine · 22/03/2020 10:18

I'm sorry because this is a real downer for Mothers Day. Thank you to anyone who takes time to read this.

My husband and I have been married for nearly four years, have been together for nearly six. We have two young children, one is a nine months and the other has just turned four. I also have an eight year old from a previous relationship.

My oldests dad was abusive, and up until recently we'd only communicated by email/text message regarding contact. However, recently we'd been at the same school event at Christmas, managed an amicable conversation and for the sake of my oldest I wanted to improve the way we managed coparenting. My oldest had commented it was nice to see us being friends and I felt guilty and wanted to ensure I changed things. I posted about this issue a couple of days ago under another name if it's sounding familiar.

We've managed to have a meeting to discuss things which was fine, and we now still mainly contact by text as and when needed but have on less than a handful of occasions spoken over the phone to sort longer, more complicated things out.

My husband was well aware of all of this, I discussed everything with him and ensured he was part of the process. However, there has been a recent growing disapproval with the situation. We fell out on Tuesday evening after I'd had to speak to my ex regarding changes to contact due to coronavirus, and it turned out he'd checked previous calls to see how long they were and was unhappy that I had once been on the phone for twenty minutes (we'd had to discuss a holiday my oldest was going on, some swapping round of contact and school progress.) He then claimed he thinks I still have 'feelings' for my ex.

I explained I am doing what's best for my child and have done nothing wrong. I have always been loyal, loving and honest. None of this mattered. We barely spoke for days, despite me trying to discuss and sort things. I have always provided reassurance and been totally transparent, even letting him know when I'll need to have the conversations and what they're about.

Late last night I tried once more to have an honest conversation with the hope of sorting things. I'd been lying awake with him sat downstairs and I just wanted to move on, discuss what was causing such an issue and try to solve things.

He told me that nothing would change his mind, and that he's leaving me.

This morning, after my lovely kids gave me a homemade card that my oldest had made at school, he told them to sit down in the living room, and he said that he was leaving, that he doesn't love mummy anymore but still loves them, and that things were going to change and he was sorry. He told my oldest that it was because of them situation between your mum and your dad' and my kids sat sobbing. My four year old adores their daddy, and keep asking why he has to go away.

I don't even recognise this man. I can't believe he's done this to our children. My oldest keeps asking if I'm having an ok Mother's Day and trying to make me feel better. He doesn't deserve such loving, wonderful people around him. He said so many awful things to me and they keep coming back and I'm having to stifle sobs in front of my little ones.

I am broken.

OP posts:
rainstormsunshine · 22/03/2020 18:58

I'm sorry it's taken me ages to reply. I took pps advice and went for a walk with my lovely children and made the best of the day. I'm so lucky, they are amazing kids and he truly doesn't deserve them.

I'm so truly touched by the replies. You are all so kind to take time out of your day to help me. It's honestly been such a crutch and it makes me feel like people actually have my back which is lovely. I didn't ring my mum in the end and she sent a picture and thank you for the flowers I sent her which made me feel happy that she's enjoying her day. I would usually see her today and like many of us at the moment, it's been hard being away from her but I want to get my head straight before I tell her, I want her to feel like I have a plan.

I'm trying to take a few days to think and manage the millions of thoughts spinning round my head, as well as the brilliant advice to 'get my ducks in a row' and sort documents because I think this could get quite unpleasant. I genuinely didn't imagine this ever happening to me again. I'm going to be steering well away from relationships for a very long time, and before even considering one again I will look into the deep seated reason I seem to pick arseholes.

He played a blinder though. I loved and trusted him so much and I had no idea this was all under the facade.

My incredible eight year old has been cuddled many times and told that it's absolutely not their fault, that their stepdad is being angry and unpleasant and that I'm so sorry he said those awful things. I've made sure they know it's nothing to do with them. They seem to understand that and the afternoon has been spent playing in the woods with their younger siblings. Kids are amazing aren't they, their resilience is mind blowing, I just wish no one had actually been a dickhead enough to test it.

Home now, kids bathed and I'm getting baby settled for bed. Thank you so much, you've all helped when I had no one in my corner.

OP posts:
Poppi89 · 22/03/2020 19:04

You sound like a fantastic mother and person and I can't wait for the day when your now ex will realise what a massive mistake he made.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 22/03/2020 19:31

We're in your corner - as will the people who truly know and love you. Keep posting when you need people. Have an early night if possible and get some rest.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/03/2020 19:37

He’s a selfish jealous twat and you will be well rid Flowers

kpdchudleigh · 22/03/2020 19:38

You are living your username. There may be a rainstorm but there will be sunshine again. Thank you for updating us, I'd been thinking of you all day. Hopefully you feel better with a plan forming and lots of support so get some rest and hold your babies close.

Techway · 22/03/2020 21:57

He played a blinder though. I loved and trusted him so much and I had no idea this was all under the facade

You won't be the only one who has trusted before. Often there will have been some red flags but he will have been very plausible. You may only be guilty of trusting someone who seemed credible.

His cruelty will at least show you what he is capable of and that will help you to recover You may never be able to relate to who he is as a mentally healthy mind can't understand an unhealthy mind.

Good luck

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 22/03/2020 22:08

So sorry you are going through this. You sound like a lovely mum. Seems like you are better off without him. Dont know what else to say, be strong and I am sure will get through this. xxx

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 22/03/2020 22:56

We are all in your corner OP.

You can do this. You will do this.

I’m sorry you are going through this with the added pressure of corona enforced isolation. PP are right - you will need RL support so find a way to get this.

You and your children are better off without such an awful toxic person around. Don’t protect him in front of the kids - ‘Dad did a terrible thing. It is unacceptable behaviour and he is wrong and I know it hurts so much. He should never have done this, but the blame lies completely with him. ‘

puds11 · 22/03/2020 23:06

What an absolute shit. I’ll bet my last pound it’s an affair. They always seem to be more of an asshole when they’re hiding something.

Sending you strength and love Flowers

copperoliver · 22/03/2020 23:38

You are all better off without him, he is just using this as an excuse to get away and wants to blame you, to make himself feel better.
Be strong and make yours and your kids life happy, if he come back he would just keep trying to manipulate you. X

AuldReekieBird · 22/03/2020 23:44

So sorry this has happened to you today of all days, I'm 100% in your corner and you'll emerge the winner.

copperoliver · 22/03/2020 23:47

Once Mother's Day is over. I'd call MIL tomorrow and explain the situation to her, get your point across and tell her there's something not right with him, he's having some sort of crisis. X

copycopypaste · 23/03/2020 10:46

What a bastard, his timing was deliberate.

My first thought was he's using the situation with your ex as an excuse to leave. Now I read he's asked to be put up in a hotel makes me think there is another woman.

For you, first things first, get yourself a telephone appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand. It's not up to him as to how much he gives you, he can't decide to give you 'the bare minimum' that's up to you to agree, and if you can't then a judge will do it for him. Sort all important paperwork, his pay slips, bank statements, his pensions etc

TinkerPony · 23/03/2020 12:10

Honestly if he gone to work now change the locks asap. He said he leaving so start with that and pack his bags ready for him to take away to this "hotel" .
He started it so you finish it.
Turn the tables on him.

crosspelican · 23/03/2020 12:15

I am speechless - he really is an abhorrent human being. I agree that this is an excuse - he’s scapegoating you for something else that is going on and I would bet it’s another woman. You have done nothing at all wrong. He is a bastard.

Huge hugs & love to you (from a perfect stranger on the internet, but still!).

Dontletitbeyou · 23/03/2020 14:26

Your husband is a weak spineless excuse for a man . Sounds like he was looking for an out .
You sound like an amazing mum , and a very kind and thoughtful person I really mean that , and you have obviously done a wonderful job raising you DC , they sound so lovely .. That shithead is the loser on every front . He’s willing to walk away from you and your DC for nothing .
It will be hard , but keep your head up
, find Joy in the time you spend with your DC, and get some legal advice to make sure you get everything you deserve financially . Him telling you basically that he wants you to get as little from him as possible , or words to that effect shows what a despicable little twat he is . You really are well rid of this poison in your life , might not feel like it now , but you are , really . Hope you are in a much better place very soon

Bluntness100 · 23/03/2020 14:37

This is very very odd, no one leaves because you spoke to an ex a hand full of times, over three months about co parenting issues. And telling your kids on Mother’s Day your leaving and don’t love mummy is mind boggling.

Honestly you’re better off with him gone. He’s either got another reason and was looking for an excuse or he’s an arsehole of the highest order.
I would have said he was trying to punish you, but bringing your kids in to it would take a special piece of shit if it was just punishment and threats , I don’t think even the lowest would do that.

So it’s back to either he’s hiding something and was going anyway, he was just looking for a reason to make it your fault, or he is a total arsehole, and either way you’re better off without him.

willowmelangell · 23/03/2020 16:43

This is all pre-planned. He was just waiting for the excuse to make it your fault.
Whatever his reason, a woman/debts/cold feet/jealousy, he has crossed a line.

Dowser · 23/03/2020 21:20

So sorry op
I was told on Mother’s Day also, that he no longer lived me
Then the ow emerged..
Might not be true in your case ...but certainly was in mine

EKGEMS · 23/03/2020 22:44

I know this is awful to say but I'm rooting for him to be out on his bike and he gets nailed by a truck and you can collect life insurance

willloman · 23/03/2020 22:48

What an arse. Please don't let him return when 1) the other women leaves him and 2) he realises he's an *^^%!
Think of yourself as lucky, only 6 wasted years, plenty of time to find happiness still.

Jesskir89 · 24/03/2020 00:55

Stay strong op you deserve better Flowers

Otter71 · 24/03/2020 08:21

They always tell you that you will get nothing. Solicitor may well put him right. Mine told the eldest he would get half the house and I would get nothing. Eldest barely speaks to me now as I took his entitlement. Ex packed me a case on boxing Day 18 and told me to phone a friend. Love it. Try to stay in FMH if you can , I wish I could have. DD now also with dad as she can only cope with the home she always knew. Mother's day was nothing this year. Neither even said happy mother's day. Good luck and hope for you at least it can only get better.

billy1966 · 24/03/2020 11:44

Oh OP, that is a horror story.
You poor woman.

What a truly awful man.

litterbird · 24/03/2020 13:02

I am so sorry. I think the real reason will come out soon but in the mean time take one step at a time. The timing is very peculiar as if he knew he didn’t want to go into potential lock down for 3 weeks with you and he made his mind up to leave. I don’t think this was a spur of the moment thing. This has been calculated. For now, breathe, keep yourself and your children safe. Explain what’s happened to your ex husband as he may be able to help out with your eldest child more for now. You will get through this. X

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