Dating Thread 187 - Love in the Time of Corona

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Yeah @SortingItOut it's not enough. I need the whole package. More fool me ☹

Aw jesuis I don’t know what to say! Much love to you. I think I would feel the same 😘

Keep safe everyone and thank you to all of those still working to keep us safe and fed x

Thanks for new thread!

@JeSuisPrest

I am so sorry
I do completely get this. I had this happen to me and it was awful. He kept saying it was enough to ‘show it’ but you know, it wasn’t enough for me
It’s ok to want this from a partner and he can’t give it to you

And I’ve realised now it’s got to be the whole package. It’s got to be equal. They have to want the same things as me otherwise you are just wasting your life waiting for the other person and that’s not fair of him to expect that of you

There will be a lot of soul searching during CV and people realising life is too short. I’ve had that kind of day to be honest myself

He sent a snarky message saying that I obviously know him better than he knows himself and his current teenage emotional capacity. I phoned him. We argued and I hung up. Possibly because I said that I'd had absolutely fantanstic sex with a guy I knew before him, but the sex me and MrC had was good it kept me happy and satisfied, but no one would ever make me feel the way the other guy did, thinking about it for days afterwards. Now could he understand how he was making me feel when he mentions his other love...? Yeah, I think were done 🤦‍♀️

Thanks @Menora that means a lot. I do feel like a weight has been lifted now. I probably wake up crying but I feel more sorry for him than me at the moment. He's going to have a very lonely life searching for the impossible.

I felt that way too actually. It was all the waiting. I became so angry about it I don’t think I loved him anymore anyway! It was so weak and shitty it turned me off him and I actually found it easier to move on

I'm sorry @JeSuisPrest

It's Ginmel's rule isn't it? The things you ignore at the beginning will be the things that split you up. I'm sorry for being one of the people who said you were being daft and he'd come round. And that it was only words. Actions are more important. Thing is words matter to you so it was really important. They don't to me but if I was with someone who had said this it would matter. Actually I had an ex who was similar. He was very fond of me but not in love with me. We were always trying to work out why. I ended up feeling substandard and lacking. And I stayed with him for 3 years which as it turned out were my fertile years.

Anyway well done. It would have eroded your self esteem over time and you would always wonder what was wrong with you. Sounds like you're done with him anyway.

Come and join us on the no dating thread ☹️

@JeSuisPrest Ah, I am gutted :( :( :(
No need for that drink. Maybe I owe you one instead.

Ah no need @MrDrummer, I love(d) him loads, had a fantastic year and don't regret it. I'm glad I had him in my life, even for a short while. 🍺

I’m really sorry to hear that @JeSuisPrest, sorry for you and all you’ve put in to this. Sorry it’s escalated so quickly too. He needs to really speak to someone about his fear of loss. The really obvious irony is that he is losing out on a whole life while these hurts he’s experienced are not resolved and holding him back.

Thanks @HairyArsedMan, yes he needs to deal with his issues. He's 40 and lost both parents suddenly with no illness. It's affected him profoundly so I can't feel angry with him, just sorry for him. Unfortunately he's not the type that will do it, I know that. He'll look for the answers at the bottom of a pint 😕

@JeSuisPrest

The thing is, is that I had someone similar in my life that he did, except I was with them (but they were also with someone else simultaneously. Very long story). I can say that my feelings for her were way stronger than anybody else since... but... maybe that's because I was naive... or I had no emotional guard, or maturity or whatever.

@MrDrummer but did you feel the need to tell your subsequent loves about her or did you keep that to yourself and just appreciate what you had in your new relationships?

You deserve the whole package @jesuisprest

Thanks @unambiguousbeard it is what it is 🤷🏻‍♀️ I've got through worse, but I will miss him hugely. He has messaged me again apologising for hurting me. I'll get there eventually and find the one that kisses me goodnight and says "love you" ☹

@JeSuisPrest I don't think so, but it did become an issue in my marriage, so I am wondering if I naively did say something or otherwise showed a "tell"... But my marriage was a disaster on its own merits anyway. I confess I haven't read the whole story because I don't read the thread anymore (although 2 dates into something new and I really should), but if he was going on about this woman when he has had one too many, then I do think you are better off out of there. Maybe things aren't over, but something needed to happen because otherwise it was just getting put off for further down the line.

Oh @JeSuisPrest I'm really sad to read this I agree with @HairyArsedMan, I think he probably does need to 'do some work' on this, as it will affect his life forever. It's no comfort, but I would feel the same as you - actions are obviously important, but the words are too. Sending you a virtual hug and

@uttersocks - i get that its difficult to know what level of contact is now a good one - with not actually being able to meet up with a guy. I don't want to start "sex-ting" because I think that would be more than frustrating at the moment. So far Mr mobile and I have been messaging a lot - more than once a day and usually a phone call in the evening too. We talk about work - his parents, our past, our kids and of course whats going on - you can't ignore it. It's so nice to have someone to talk to as I'm on my own a lot of the time anyway (even without this isolation) Maybe we'll find we get to know each other quicker than we would normally have done.
@JeSuisPrest - Gosh you've made a tough decision I feel for you. It does sound like this guy really cared for you - but if that wasn't enough for you - you've made the right decision.

I'm sorry too @JeSuisPrest but you were absolutely right to walk away when something mportant to you was missing.

I was with an ex several years that never said I love you. At first I made excuses, I.e. his family is not very open (they don't even hug), he's scared etc etc but ultimately I found over time I got sick of waiting. I ended it and realise now it was absolutely the right thing.

The bringing up the ex/fantasy woman is downright disrespectful. He has an idealised view of a woman he has never even had a relationship with. Of course she's perfect when he hasn't dated her. We all have flaws and have to accommodate and compromise in relationships, but he sees her as perfect because he hasn't seen the 'real' her. Given his age, he sounds quite emotionally immature.

Bottom line is he didn't give you what you wanted. I admire that you loved yourself more to walk away. Take care.

I don't feel very brave this morning ☹ I feel sick with anxiety that I've made massive mistake. My ex husband told me every day how much he loved me, whilst cheating on me and treating me like crap. MrC has been nothing but amazing and I've thrown it away in a childish foot stamping temper tantrum. Perhaps it doesn't have long term potential but maybe it's enough for now if I just accept it for what it is. He did make me feel incredibly happy and loved and now I just feel empty and without hope.

I wouldn't assume this is the end @jesuisprest but the way I see it it's not just the words. He has said he loves you but isn't in love with you? He has compared the feelings he has for you unfavourably with a girl he barely new 25 years ago. He has made you feel less than. You deserve to feel loved and cherished and not an option.

I hope he will do some thinking about what he is set to lose if he doesn't work on his feelings and allow himself to love you fully and completely. Like you deserve.

@Notcoolmum yes, its the confusion that I'll never be able to match up to her (but why should I? He accepts me for the fucking amazing woman that I am or not at all), whilst not wanting to lose what we've got in the present which is frankly brilliant. He has apologised profusely several times for it and says he never meant it to hurt me/can't remember talking about it etc. He categorically denies ever saying he would never feel that way about anyone again, and now I thinking about it I'm not sure he did say that, he was just telling me that he had those feelings, but since his mum died he feels cold and shut off from ever feeling like that again because he couldn't cope with more loss.

And I do feel loved and cherished. Except when he says daft stuff like this. He's definitely got some thinking to do, I don't think I can be the one to rekindle it however much it's hurting me.