Dating Thread 187 - Love in the Time of Corona

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@jesuisprest no definitely. Let him come to you. Give him time to see what it is you need from him. You clearly mean a lot to each other but you are entitled to have a relationship that works for you. And ignoring that niggling doubt never works. It always comes out at some point. These are difficult times and it really focuses the mind (and heart) about what really matters.

I think you mean too much to him for this to just be over. But it's an opportunity to discuss what you both need and want in a relationship. And for you to decide if this gives you what you need.

If you are living apart you should be self isolating anyway so you wouldn't be seeing him in the flesh for a while. Take time to think.

jesuis i really believe the intensity of our feelings fades as we mature, but they become more complex and therefore stronger. He is fixated on the very intense, almost primal, feelings he had for his parents and his first love, while most of us have moved on to more nuanced and wider-ranging loves. Is there any chance he would do some self-help reading around this? I’m not suggesting it’s your place to fix him of course, but he does sound stuck and maybe needs an epiphany?

What @TigerDater and @Notcoolmum said. Especially the thing about maturing. As we get older the hormones/chemicals are easier to deal with. We've been there before. It's not as intense. I will never feel how I felt for my first love again either, most of us don't but we realise it's to do with age etc

Also have you read the five love languages? I found this really useful. It made me understand that anniversaries/flowers/endearments etc ARE important to other people and that I shouldn't dismiss them. But also his way of expressing love is different to yours. And it's whether you can accept the difference.

But yeah he needs to beg you to go back for you to evencisider it.

Ah, I'm sorry @JeSuisPrest

I agree with @Windmillwhirl:

The bringing up the ex/fantasy woman is downright disrespectful. He has an idealised view of a woman he has never even had a relationship with. Of course she's perfect when he hasn't dated her. We all have flaws and have to accommodate and compromise in relationships, but he sees her as perfect because he hasn't seen the 'real' her. Given his age, he sounds quite emotionally immature.

It's easy to put someone on a pedestal when you don't really know them and to take for granted someone you do.

I think I would struggle too if after almost a year my bf couldn't tell me he loves me. I don't need to hear it every day, but I need to hear it. Like you, my ex husband told me every day while he was having an affair so I know that the words alone don't mean much but for me it needs to be part of the whole package.

Perhaps he needs to look into some counselling when all this is over if the death of his parents have affected his ability for attachment so badly because it will follow him around forever otherwise. I'm sure the last thing his parents would have wanted is for their death to have such an impact on the rest of his life. Whether you've told someone you love them doesn't make losing them any harder if you did really love them.

Also, I never expect to love anyone the way I loved my ex husband. I loved him since I was 16 and intended to be with him forever. This doesn't mean I can't love anyone else though and I would never say this to Mr Ad because he is not my ex and I don't expect him to be (or want him to be as it turned out).

Correct me if I'm wrong @JeSuisPrest but is there a feeling that he won't say he loves you because he's decent and doesn't want to lie to you ? The 'loves you but not in love with you' is the typical phrasing that springs out of this situation.

Or do you truly believe it is really about this psychological block connected with the loss of his parents and this other lost love he had. The latter seems to me to be something that could be dealt with if he's willing. I'm in complete agreement with @TigerDater there, no need to get into one of these 'rescuer' roles but a shove in the right direction might help and it sounds like you've given him that. I know from bitter experience that if he deep down does love you, then the outpouring of grief that comes from losing you will dredge up everything to do with the loss of his parents, so he will need to get help sooner rather than later.

Anyway we're making it all about him here and just want to send you some . It's never the best of times to be in this situation and even less so now.

I lost both of my parents within 12 months of each other and I had previously lost my DH to cancer. I am a couple of years on from that period but I know it has left a mark upon me and it has made me want to be loved but also fearful of any further loss. We don't know Mr C as you do @JeSuisPrest but it sounds to me like he really could do with some counselling. To have lost both his parents in quick succession and before he was 40 is a lot to process. From what you have previously described he showed his love and commitment to you but struggled with articulating it. Which I assume is a silly thing he's maybe got hung up on...holding something back because if he gives you everything he's made himself totally vulnerable.

My ex h also said the "I love you/you're my best friend but I don't know if I'm in love with you" (or similar) and for me, there was no going back after that (this was before I discovered the affair a few days later).

I love my friends, but I don't want to be in a relationship with them.

I think if Mr C had not kept bringing up the other woman this is something that @JeSuisPrest may have found easier to navigate? Losing your parents at his age is absolutely awful, and for that reason by itself then I can understand being patient or him feeling confused
But it is the fantasy love that clouds the issue

He needs to go away and really think about what he wants his life to look like

"Also, I never expect to love anyone the way I loved my ex husband. I loved him since I was 16 and intended to be with him forever"
@Sunshineandflipflops this is really sad. I have no concept of that.

He obsessed over this girl, they were great friends. She helped him through a really rought time in his life. He said he was absolutely smitten with her and thought that's what love is. She never felt the same back. He says he doesn't feel that way about me 🤷🏻‍♀️ The man messages /calls me every minute he is awake and not working. I've met all his family, we've spent holidays together, we see each other constantly, he waits on me hand and foot, never let's me lift a finger

Well yes, it's lovely he does nice things for you but is he biding his time to see if this other woman may want him in the future? Some people are just genuinely lovely people and there is no doubt he cares about you. You may also fill a void/sadness in him following his losses - his parents and the woman he wanted but couldn't have.

If I was with a man a year and he said I don't feel the way I do about you as I did for a woman I believed I was in love with, I'd have to bow out. It must be very frustrating and sad to live in the shadow of a woman he has said he loved and possibly is still in love with.

Maybe this will be a wake up call. Maybe he will see what he has lost. You have given such wonderful advice on this thread and supported so many, you deserve the best.

You said this has been coming for a while so splitting is not just a whim. Let it sink in what he has lost in the meantime look after yourself x

@JeSuisPrest That's really tough lovely. I would say the next few days and weeks will be emotionally tumultuous as you deal with all the what if's/why's/maybe's especially in isolation. From a position of distance here, i'd say maybe just don't make any big choices/reactions for a while until the storm has passed. It will be a little clearer. I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that a woman like yourself can 'have it all'. And as for unrequited love, I have dealt in a much much smaller way with someone like that - his ex wife, on a pedestal, never loved him, thought she would grow to do so, and then left him. Very different, he was a few years out, never stopped talking about it, it's Limerance, not love. Limerance is heady, full of obsession, unrequited.... and armchair theorist me - I think it is a sign of emotional immaturity. Both to pursue the impossible, to not recognise healthy love, and to have an idealistic cocktail of hormones as a barometer for love. I'm not saying people don't get to choose who they love, I do though think they can have strange expectations

@jesuisprest I'm so sorry to hear about you and Mr C, I had always hoped for happiness for you both.

All I can say is I would try to unpick in your own mind what he said about this unrequited love and whether you added any details to make it worse because of anxieties over the fact he hadn't used the 'l' word. If it's true that he is emotionally unavailable and no one will ever match up to this mythical, perfect woman then you have done the right thing to end it, you deserve to have somebody that is completely in love with you and meets your needs.

To remind you of my experience. I have been with Mr R for over ten months and have had 3 or 4 wobbles when I nearly ended the relationship. Now looking back I realise that they were nearly all caused by my own insecurities and anxieties. I can remember you nearly ended things over Bitch Beach Lady and his lack of 'l' word before and your fears about her were unfounded.

Obviously you have legitimate needs and are entitled to walk away if he doesn't meet them - but it sounded like you were both so happy and had really built a good life together - maybe a break to think about things would do you both good with a conversation in a couple of weeks. FWIW Mr R has never said he loves me either and I challenged him on that before xmas. He has the baggage that so many people in their 40s have, a string of failed relationships, and a fear of getting hurt again. But I believe he does love me - he certainly acts like it - and at the moment I am not going to push him on that.

Sorry for the long rambling post, trying to home school and do lunch.

Aw @JeSuisPrest sorry to hear that. It is always sad when a relationship you valued flounders. I actually have realised I don't have a clue what I am doing in relationships, being so out of practice, but if I can add one thing it is that I lost both my parents suddenly and close together by the age of 37, and I was an only child, with two very young children myself, married to a man who was unsupportive and with in-laws who didn't like me. And yes, it is scarring. I miss my parents to this day, and after my mum died I thought nothing would ever hurt me again. I also spent years in a horrible marriage pretending to be a hard girl and not caring, and now I have started dating and am beginning to thaw out a little, I find it quite unsettling. It is easier to have high walls. But I don't equate the parent thing with relationships, nor do I idealise any of my exes (well my last ex was a twunt, but even earlier ones that I liked) or compare them with new people I meet. I am mistrustful and terrified of being hurt though. And I don't know what the answer is. Maybe he needs some counselling? But only you know what you want to do and if you really feel it is not enough for you then maybe it's good to think about it for a while. Sending you and best wishes though x

Wow, the thread is quiet - I hope everyone is coping OK with lockdown and the challenges it presents, and staying well, keeping fed and exercised, and holding firm to the knowledge that we will come through this 💐💐💐

Love the thread.
Just met my first decent iron last week after 2 years on OLD.
Bloody timing!!!
Well we can get to know each other slowly....very slowly....
Then look fwd to plenty of making up for lost time when this cv shite is over.
Ahhh daydreaming....

Love to all you all...am loving the advice and wisdom I read here

Ahh he is mr Ducati, btw...and I love the rules jesuispret....v v mindful of these !

The Houseparty app is brilliant everyone, really recommend it. Had a party with my three DDs last night and with Mr GN this morning.

jesuis how are you feeling today?

Uttersocks can relate completely to your sentiments. I too spent 12 years in a marriage with no emotional support..2 kids..in a foreign country...it was damaging. No time for time wasters now..... be well. X

How’s everyone doing ? I’m talking to mr g daily and it’s going well still, we’ve been making plans for the summer. Nothing concrete but the thought is there and that’s keeping me going.

I’m on a few parents pages for home schooling etc. One had a question something like what’s being neglected during lockdown. I wanted to put my vagina 🤣🤣🤣

I'm stressed. A trip to my local farm shop down the road just took an hour and I got back to my son in tears because he can't do his work and i am supposed to be working so can't help him and now have another hour to make up and still have to go and get other groceries later.

Feeling it today.

@sunshineandflipflops how old is he? Can he FaceTime a friend to help ?? My 9 year old is on the phone with friends all day and they do their work together

He's 12 @Jane1978xx

He is in a group chat but the others just seem to use it to mess about and he needs focus as he is easily distracted. Home learning just doesn't suit him and now we are all in foul moods.

I said I'll help him later, it just means cleaning the house will have to go out the window.

I heard from Mr Army yesterday. He has just been rushed off his feet so I'm not going to worry that I might not hear from him everyday. The important thing is that he is still contacting me when he has time to, asking how I am, how my wrist is, how my phone appointment went etc.

What is everyone looking forward to doing when this is all over, could be a specific date you want to go on, something you want to do for yourself etc?

Does he have one sensible friend to ask ? My house looks like a bomb hit with working fulll time and helping dd.