Dating Thread 187 - Love in the Time of Corona

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Yeh exactly @Eesha. After we split up I reminded him he had once pushed me over and kicked me while I was lying on the floor and he said it was "only once" as if that was fine. Mostly it was screaming, slamming doors and smashing plates. And getting really close like he was going to hit me but just stopping short. Twat. And I paid for everything, the massive cocklodger. Yet now he is already happily living with another woman. And I am still alone. WTF!

@UtterSocks - remember that whilst he might be incredibly happy, she might not be - there's no reason to think he's had a personality transplant because he's in a new relationship, he's probably still an abusive twat - just give it time, he'll get there (if he's not started already), so you're still well shot of him, even of you are alone. 🌻🌻

Things are better with Mr Farmer these past few days, more contact and some good chats. He's also had his dd with him so probably helps with keeping busy and having company.

In Corona news I'm reading that Spain and Italy are easing their lockdown this week, I'm taking this as a positive sign as we seem to have followed their trend to an extent although being approximately 7-10 days behind them. Anyone else looking at this hopefully or am I deluding myself?

@UtterSocks agree with @JeSuisPrest on that one. My ex had two women almost fighting over him when we split. Both ended up calling the police on him at different points. The truth always comes out.

Really wish there was more I could do for Mr Army. He found out yesterday a family friend has passed away. Didn't say if it was virus related or not. I have told him that I'm here for him not matter what time of day if he wants to talk. Don't know what else I can do.
I have read that a decision will be made by Thursday on how much longer to extend the lockdown to. If the article was to be believed they were stuck between extending it by 3 weeks or 6 weeks which takes us into the first week of May or the end of May. Ireland have extended until 5th May so I think it will go on until at least then.
Struggled with motivation over the weekend, trying to get my CV up to date and work on my cover letter but I have hit a brick wall and can't be bothered.

@Eesha
I was 'lucky' in that my ex didnt shout and go mad but he did like a good sulk and we all tiptoed round him depending on his mood.
Plus of course he had loads of emotional affairs and used to gaslight me by denying it even when I had evidence.

I'm so scarred from my marriage that I dont see how I can ever have a proper relationship again, I have huge trust issues and I have my barriers up so high which was why casual sex suited me great bit now I've met a really great guy who I keep pushing away because my head is so fucked up.

God I curse my ex for being a knob for 17 years and myself for putting up with him.

I had one of those exes. Not physical
really apart from shouting in my face a lot. Eggs shells all the time. No idea what would set him off. Bellowed at me all the time, then accused me of bullying him. Undermined me in every way, driving, job hunting, cooking (I cooked every single meal always) even socialising. He used to ask me why I'd said whatever after we'd been out. So I thought I was socially awkward and inadequate. Gaslighting too. Every single difficult situation I came across in life whether that be with a friend, colleague, another parent, neighbour, person in shop whoever, it was always my fault. Always. Shouted at me for being ill. Shouted at me when I was grieving something horrific. I'm so self reliant and shut down now. I'm not sure I'll change. I think I'm looking at the rest of my life being emotionally unavailable.

And the sulking. Omg, for days and days on end.

@unambiguousbeard
I'm sorry to hear what you've been through as well.
I definitely am emotionally unavailable and I don't know how I'll change.
I would never, ever open up to a man ever again, i will never put myself in a position of vulnerability again.

Most of the time I'm fine with that thought but very occasionally I think how sad it all is.

@unambiguousbeard oh my god I hear ya. The sulking, the blame, the always being wrong, never good enough. Mine was interspersed with some nice bits, just to keep me reeled in, but very short lived and back to the attack. Apparently I drove him to drink as I was so infuriating to live with. Etc etc. It’s all the same. Reading that Lundy Bancroft book was like a light going on. Really really helped me see it wasn’t my fault, and that this was typical behaviour by a certain type. Took me so long to accept it was actually abuse as I had been conditioned to take all the blame.
It’s so hard to move on. I had to have a lot of counselling, support groups. I shared his emails with my sister and she was really helpful in defining it for me.
When I started dating, the minute anyone got close I pulled away. Trust is just so hard. I have a great iron now who i definitely do trust, it was very slow but he was so patient and understanding. Even now I can’t say I love you, because I just feel that phrase is a farce. And how do I know if I really love him
Anyway. These exes really muck us up and leave scars don’t they. And the worst thing is most of us are stuck co-parenting with them...

Is it still Mr Tri @Savoretti ? Hope so 😊

And said ex just popped over to look
After the kids so I could go for a run. He bought me an Easter egg yesterday. In all the years we were together he refused point blank as he they were for children. I used to buy myself one every year.

He was chatty, pleasant etc. I often forget what he was like to me. He has a gf and he's lovely to her. I wonder what on Earth it was about me that made him so nasty to me.

That’s exactly how I feel @unambiguousbeard. When I hear of his Valentines gifts, or weekends away I wonder why I never deserved any of those things... I don’t want him back, but it makes me sad that he wasn’t that nice person to me, or not for long anyway...

@Eesha Sadly yes, my ex was an utter prick. His favourite thing was goading me as he knew I would eventually crack and then he could turn it to being my fault, his favourite line was “even your own family don’t want you”. Fuck knows how he managed to have an affair, utter charmer. That prick works with vulnerable sen kids.

Thankfully we weren’t together long and my other ex is lovely, so didn’t mess me up as much as it could have.

Anyway, lets not be a fun sponge.

My rugby team are now sponsored by gayle beer so all us players had a delivery of free beer and cider today, so that was a nice surprise. Free alcohol! I downgraded my tache from a 70’s pornstar to a Chris Kamara today, going for a really awful Craig Davidesque beard next, MrNN is one lucky man 😂

Going to watch the new episode of tiger king tonight, it better be nuts. I hope the weather hasn’t been too crappy for you guys today, at least it will encourage more people not to go out and about as much.

Hi everyone. I’m still in lockdown with Mr Ad and after some initial getting used to each other 24/7 and saying goodbye to my own space for a while, it’s going pretty well. He’s quite useful to have around the house 😂

We had a cosy Easter Sunday dinner with my ex yesterday, which was interesting. I felt sorry for him on his own so invited him round (I cleared it with Mr Ad first) and he was really grateful for the company. I drank way too much through sheer nervousness though!

Been walking everyday and tried a run this morning but I am paying for it now with my injury so maybe need to rest it a little longer.

No idea how much longer this will go on for but can’t help being nervous for when lockdown is lifted...COVID-19 is still going to be out there 😳

Oh and @Ant330...you know you need to let MissH go for good. How many times can you both do this and hope for a different outcome? I agree that she has probably had too much time on her hands to overthink things through rose tinted glasses.

Oh and in case anyone wonders, my ex is the only other person we’ve been having contact with and vice versa as we have been sharing the kids.

It was sunny but freezing here today, such weird weather after yesterday which was so beautiful.

So many accounts of nightmare exes scarring our emotional functioning. I’ll never understand it. My XH wasn’t too bad really but still managed to put me off the idea of love and marriage for life. The only person I trust is myself.

Glad it’s going well living together albeit temporarily @Sunshineandflipflops
I actually can’t imagine living with anyone ever again. I guess a few week trial like this is quite a good thing - no need to work out how to kick them out after as you both know it’s only temporary.
@SimonJT is it going well locked down with Mr NN? Sounds like he is great with miniSJT. That’s a massive thing - suddenly living with a child 24/7... not sure anyone would want to live with my 3

My ex was a gaslighter but such a good one I thought I was the gaslighter. But what I realised I was he had one good friend and I have 20.

I’ve been stressed about mr g and we had a proper convo tonight and agreed nothing has changed in our in thoughts and feeling but we are just paused. And the pause we might vary communicating and time we concentrate on each other but when we unpause we wil start again

Aw that's good you had the conversation @Jane1978xx. You must feel better now, not having to second guess all the time?

I've just been watching Killing Eve with DD. I have a thing for serial killer drama ... don't like to think what this says about my psyche 😂

Thanks all for your supportive words, I think I just needed to hear that this anger stuff really wasn't normal still, without me second guessing myself. He has apologised a few times today blaming tensions where he is staying etc but I know it's just the same story, taking his anger out on me and the kids. Thank God we are outta there and not in lock down together.

In better news, still communicating in a fun manner with a few irons, all being over a month now. I'll call one Mr HotandYoung from FAB who I wrote off as a himbo but actually is quite smart to chat with. I don't see it going past maybe a casual meet but it's quite silly/fun and not deep. I'm purposely keeping it that way as we haven't met. He isn't putting any pressure on me at all which I like as doesn't feel like he is chasing me in any way! More banter and if we are still in touch after, then we will meet.

MrOtherYoung checks in maybe once a week but I sense is keeping things very sensible till we actually meet. He's a decent guy/family man and extremely bright so I'm happy to also meet him for a drink when this is all over even though my senses think it might end up just friendly.

Still planning on seeing my FWB when this is all over, MrMad, who I think is processing his anxieties over how the world is changing. He'll never be the most emotionally available of sorts but I've learnt to ring him and almost demand advice/support rather than hoping he gives anything. I was climbing the walls a bit without having him to see regularly but have got over all that now.

It's such a strange time for us all.

@SimonJT What a horrid ex you have, these people disguise themselves well in real life in afraid. Enjoy the beer! I quite like Chris Kamara, he's such a lovely man!

@Ant330 definitely sounds like Miss H just has too much time on her hands to think. If you reeeeeeeeally want to give it a go, wait and see how things are post lockdown. To me it sounds too volatile but perhaps that uncertainty always keeps you hanging?

@Jane1978xx glad you had the chat, I think it's hugely important and hope you feel your mind is more at rest now.

@Eesha @UtterSocks it wasn’t an overly long or soppy conversation but just said this is a pause and we’ll meet up as Soon as it’s safe. We’ve both got a lot of friends and he has a large family so we are busy talking to other people when we aren’t working

@Jane1978xx that's lovely. Just takes all the pressure off

Are none of you going shopping etc @sunshineandflipflops ? I'm glad it went well and that things have settled nicely with Mr AD. I'm speaking to Mr B much more than we were before. Long phone calls every evening. He's doing my shopping and done a bit in the garden for me.

I'm worried about post lockdown too. As you said COVID won't suddenly disappear. The lockdown is to keep hospitalised cases to a level the NHS can manage. I wish we were making better strides on testing. Germany is managing this so much better than we are.

This might have been done to death but what's text etiquette with new irons. I quite like a daily text saying hello etc but don't want to be constantly the first to say hello! When I do write, I get a lot back though.