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Original poster

OLD help please. Guy told me he is bi, how to politely say I don't wish to continue?

555 replies

LoveintheTimeofCoronaa · 20/03/2020 11:41

Hi all,

Could do with some help please!

I've been chatting to a bloke online, seems nice. He has just informed me he is bisexual 'in case it puts me off'.

Not sure I can fully explain why, even to myself as I have zero issues with anybody's sexuality but I would prefer not to continue this. We haven't met but I do want to be decent and give him a response.

I'm not looking to be called a homophobe as I assure you I am not. Just want to be tactful.

How would you express this politely??

Thanks!

OP posts:
GlitchStitch · 20/03/2020 13:23

You don't have to 'excuse' your reasons for not dating anybody Elsie. You can be the most prejudiced person in the world and still get to have control over your sex life. I was referring in general to people making prejudiced comments being prejudiced, not in discussing intimate relationships where you can be as discriminatory as you like. And can you stop tagging me in please, I'm already on the thread.

GreySuede · 20/03/2020 13:23

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Dzundza · 20/03/2020 13:25

For the people saying it’s okay to not want to date someone anymore purely because they’re bisexual, but they aren’t biphobic, what are the reasons for your decision?

I find the idea that my date has slept with other men in the past very off-putting. Same goes for men who left a pregnant woman or men with false teeth. You can't see any of those things but it makes me dry up. My best friend is bi, so how can I be phobic of bisexuals if I don't mind having one as a best friend?

Sunshinedaffodil · 20/03/2020 13:25

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GreySuede · 20/03/2020 13:26

You date who you like OP. Ignore the shaming “ wokies“ on here - I suspect many are projecting anyway.

AngelicaKauffman · 20/03/2020 13:27

Surely not wanting to date somebody solely because they're bi is a dictionary example of homophobia? I mean, you're entitled to date whoever you want, sure, but how is this NOT homophobia?

Original poster
LoveintheTimeofCoronaa · 20/03/2020 13:28

SimonJT he has been tactfully made aware he won't be spending any time in me at all.

Elsie you keep mentioning clear examples of prejudice- black women are aggressive, blondes are unintelligent. Neither of these are relevant to one having a 'type' or a preference without saying or thinking anything derogatory about a characteristic that does not fall within that range.

I have no desire to give everybody a go sexually in the name of equality. The threadwas about how to let someone down kindly.

OP posts:
WokeOnTheWater · 20/03/2020 13:31

Good grief, there's a lot of angst about this on here. For what it's worth, I always thought this would be a problem for me too (insecurity, twice the pool of people in the world to potentially turn their heads, have they thought it all the way through and definitely concluded they're not 100% gay and just uncomfortable about it etc!) but it turns out that it wasn't when the right person was involved and the relationship was right. It wasn't really a 'thing' and just went into the bucket of all his old sexual history (to be burned and never referenced again, obviously! Grin).

As we're in a monogamous relationship it's largely moot now anyway, in the same way my theoretical attraction to various celebrities doesn't really feature in our relationship (unless the 3 Free Celebrity Passes thing is actually enforceable... Can anyone confirm...?)

But I was absolutely entitled to think it would have been a problem for me, and make my choices accordingly and so is the OP.

If it physically turns her off, what do you expect her to do about it? Lie back and think of England?

SimonJT · 20/03/2020 13:32

@anothernotherone English isn’t my first language, so my written English isn’t great.

GlitchStitch · 20/03/2020 13:37

Surely not wanting to date somebody solely because they're bi is a dictionary example of homophobia?

I wouldn't want to date an OAP because the thought makes me cringe. Does that make me ageist? Should I examine my prejudice? Or should people just accept that it is possible to respect people, want them to have rights and a good, happy life without personally wanting to sleep with them.

Langsdestiny · 20/03/2020 13:40

It drives people mad when women say no, always fascinating to watch.

AngelicaKauffman · 20/03/2020 13:41

I wouldn't want to date an OAP because the thought makes me cringe. Does that make me ageist?

That's not really the same because an OAP looks different. So the age isn't the SOLE reason for not dating them.

GlitchStitch · 20/03/2020 13:43

So it's fine to turn men down for their looks but not for something as fundamental as their sexual orientation?

bemoreeverything · 20/03/2020 13:43

you can date who you want. You would never be able to fulfill all his needs.

Interesting assumption about bisexuality there. Being bi means you are attracted to both sexes. It doesn't mean you are thinking of dick when you are with a woman. It doesn't mean one or the other is not enough. Bi sexual people are not rampant sex crazed animals. They can manage to have a relationship with just one sex without being unfulfilled.

In answer to the OP

Yes you can absolutely chose to date someone or not date them for whatever reason you want.

AngelicaKauffman · 20/03/2020 13:47

So it's fine to turn men down for their looks but not for something as fundamental as their sexual orientation?

Women can turn down men for their looks too. If you're getting to know somebody and you like them, find them attractive, etc. and then find out they're bi, that doesn't immediately change anything about the person, does it? Not unless you assume something about them based on stereotypes.

I guess it's a bit like someone only wanting to date a virgin because the idea of having sex with someone who has had sex with someone else turns them off. That's their prerogative and I've no right to try to persuade them otherwise, but I'm also allowed to say that it's fucking stupid.

anothernotherone · 20/03/2020 13:51

You have my sympathy for that SimonJT - I also live my life in a language not my own. I did however get laughed at mercilessly when an error I made in German meant that in the rather sensitive context I said it it sounded as though I was talking about experience of sexual activity instead of experience of road traffic... In was a hilarious typo anyone could have made!

Doesn't change the fact that its phobic to turn someone down for a job or housing or to harrass them due to their sexuality but it is not and must not ever be required of anyone to have an intimate relationship with anyone. Any and every reason and no reason at all are fully acceptable grounds to find someone unattractive or to stop finding them attractive. It is absolutely crucial to women and girls' safety (and indeed young or vulnerable men) tjat they fully understand that they never, ever have to justify, rationalise or explain saying no in any intimate or sexual context.

GlitchStitch · 20/03/2020 13:51

Why is a heterosexual woman wanting a heterosexual partner 'fucking stupid'?

AngelicaKauffman · 20/03/2020 13:53

Why is a heterosexual woman wanting a heterosexual partner 'fucking stupid'?

Well maybe it's not. Do you have an answer to the following, that might explain it to me?

If you're getting to know somebody and you like them, find them attractive, etc. and then find out they're bi, that doesn't immediately change anything about the person, does it? Not unless you assume something about them based on stereotypes

Hoppinggreen · 20/03/2020 13:54

You are not homophobic OP, you are completely entitled to your preferences and boundaries.
As long as you are respectful and polite you are well within your rights to tell him you don’t want to meet

Langsdestiny · 20/03/2020 13:55

Because women are human beings and are allowed to change their mind and say no at any stage.

anothernotherone · 20/03/2020 13:55

AngelicaKauffman not necessarily. People are often put off when they find out the age of someone well preserved for their age. Not ok not to offer tham a job when you were just about to but absolutely ok to be put off inviting them up for coffee. Any reason at all to say no is fine in a sexual relationship context. It has to be.

AngelicaKauffman · 20/03/2020 13:56

Because women are human beings and are allowed to change their mind and say no at any stage

Was that in response to my post? If yes, then it didn't actually answer the question. And I never refuted that anyway.

GlitchStitch · 20/03/2020 13:57

It changes their sexual orientation and their sexual and relationship history. Perfectly reasonable for a someone to find out things about someone that make them not want to continue a relationship.

GlitchStitch · 20/03/2020 13:59

I don't want to sleep with a man who fancies and has had sex with other men. It just doesn't do it for me, I'd find it a turn off. Does that mean I don't think bisexual or gay men should have exactly the same rights as everyone else? Of course not. It just means I don't want to sleep with him.

IAmFleshIAmBone · 20/03/2020 14:00

I'm a bit sick of these social justice warriors thinking they can try to deny women rights and demand access to their bodies by crying 'phobia'. Absolute nonsense. This is the reason that lesbians are feeling pressured to sleep with 'women with penises'.

You can reject anyone sexually for any reason. Nothing phobic about it Hmm