OLD help please. Guy told me he is bi, how to politely say I don't wish to continue?

[LoveintheTimeofCoronaa]

Hi all,

Could do with some help please!

I've been chatting to a bloke online, seems nice. He has just informed me he is bisexual 'in case it puts me off'.

Not sure I can fully explain why, even to myself as I have zero issues with anybody's sexuality but I would prefer not to continue this. We haven't met but I do want to be decent and give him a response.

I'm not looking to be called a homophobe as I assure you I am not. Just want to be tactful.

How would you express this politely??

Thanks!

@screamingladysutch - you’ve made a big assumption there that bisexual people are not monogamous. Some are. The big fuss on this thread is about bias - which you’ve just demonstrated there.

You’ve also just made a big assumption that only monogamous relationships can be successful.

@ScreamingLadySutch Someone’s sexuality has no relationship to whether or not that person is monogamous. You have been incredibly ignorant.

Ceejay perhaps so, but cynical me has discovered that men tend to ACT on their impulses. Why do my gay friends tell me about the number of married men (bisexual) they hook up with, otherwise? Maybe I dreamed that part.

You have also just undermined your own argument. Either monogamy is important - or it isn't. I know monogamous relationships are unsuccessful! Usually because one person unilaterally makes the decision to break the monogamy (don't you read Mumsnet?) Most people are concerned with committed relationships though.

Cynical me also thinks that, rather than a 'do you accept me for me', OLD could more likely an invitation to be available to manipulate.

Mumsnet threads are too full of anguished results of manipulation for the suspicion to be totally ignorant...

Maybe I have a trust issue, but (again, looking at the OLD threads) 'looking for diamonds in a sewer' comes to mind and you do have to have boundaries.

It is not my job in life to validate someone else (hard learned lesson). It is my job in life TO PROTECT MYSELF. He will find someone who does accept those terms - MOST PEOPLE WON'T. And you cannot shame them for this.

This is all just too woke for words. Don't ever be a gazelle in your next lives and wander the Serengeti.

Sorry MNHQ, about the language in my message. It is a bad day when you have to be deleted, apologies.

This is an interesting article by a clinical therapist:

www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/finally-out/201107/the-messy-realities-bisexuality

It is a beautiful piece, but you cannot SHAME people for having concerns about the points in the article:

"He agreed that he was sexually attracted to men but socially attracted to his wife." - No thanks

"they struggle to find recognition and social acceptance of bisexuality. In a culture that still values monogamy as the ideal in relationships, it is hard to get past the issue that all bisexuals who act on their sexual attraction are guilty of infidelity." - you cannot dismiss this reality by calling people who bring it up, ignorant! (gazelle, Serengeti)

• I do think, because of biology - men are more inclined to ‘cheat’ - but I don’t think they necessarily need to be vilified for it. I think there needs to be a better understanding about why this happens, and better communication
• I do think people who identify as bisexual may be more inclined to be polyamorous.
• a relationship - whether it’s polyamorous/monogamous can be successful/unsuccessful
• thanks for the article - I had a skim through, I’ll have a proper read later. It’s initially made me think about ‘labelling’ sexuality - and whether this should be fluid. I would say polyamorous suited me in my twenties (with a couple of bisexual experiences) - monogamy when I conceived children. I feel asexual now - but I feel a bit sorry for my DP. I think I should allow him sex with another if he wanted it (I don’t think he does - he seems to be asexual too!) @screamingladysutch

As a human I have my lioness moments AND my gazelle moments. Think DP would see me as both - I would see him as both too!

And I don’t think you are ignorant at all - quite the opposite - those were the words of the other poster. I always try to criticise the behaviour - not the person.

Why do my gay friends tell me about the number of married men (bisexual) they hook up with, otherwise?

I’m a gay man, virtually all of my friends are gay men. I have never heard of any of my friends getting with a married man, or partnered man, and we’d definitely tell each other. I spent years playing for a large gay rugby team, never heard of any of the lads experiencing that. If anything if you didn’t want attention on a night out you would put a ring on your wedding finger as it would put guys off when they saw it.

@simonjt - I have a male friend in a hetero sexless relationship, who looks for gay men on hook up sites. He tells me it’s an easy no-strings way to get sex.

Just because some people may know a few gay or bisexual men who cheat, doesn't mean that all or even most do.

The author of that article seems to be hinting that bisexuals in heterosexual relationships still need to have sex with the same sex. That's not my experience at all.

I don’t agree with this at all: In a culture that still values monogamy as the ideal in relationships, it is hard to get past the issue that all bisexuals who act on their sexual attraction are guilty of infidelity.

You don’t need to have relationships with men and women simultaneously to be bisexual. your bisexuality comes from who you’re attracted to and maybe dating history - in the same way we’re not all asexual when single.

Have I misunderstood what he’s saying?

Yes the idea that gay or bi people are inherently promiscuous is an old homophobic stereotype. I side eye people who feel the need to gatecrash any thread about gay/bi people to threadplop about how they personally once met a gay person who conformed to X homophobic stereotype therefore that particular stereotype is not homophobic because it’s true.

It’s like bitchplopping a thread on racism to casually mention that you once met a black woman and actually she was really angry and loud and loved watermelon and fried chicken. It’s not impossible such a person exists, but bringing it up clearly indicates an agenda.

Considering stereotypes, the stereotyping process has evolved in a time when a tribe was the defining unit of identity. Today, in the epoch of the differentiated self, tribal distinctions, however accurate, may no longer provide sufficiently useful and important cues for adaptive action. Rapid social change, in other words, is rendering stereotyping superfluous, and certain previously relevant stereotypes gratuitous.

That is from a great article.

Doesn’t everyone stereotype to a certain degree, is it not a way for the brain to sort out information.We do it all the time without realising. To a certain extent it is a protective measure.

@stairway - yes, we do. And the article suggests that our stereotypes are not without varying degrees of truth. However if we adhere to our stereotypes too closely, and don’t challenge them - it inhibits social change and progression.

The last thread about this you resurrected got deleted so you decoded to resurrect a couple more? FFS get life. 😅

Did you write that using a random word generator?

Did you register under a new name just to post that?

That was the first time I've responded to you. You, if you are indeed the PP are the one obsessively posting walls of text at 2am. I'm not the one who needs to get out the house here.

Edit: quoted the wrong post here, sorry. Meant to quote @CryIDareYou or @YourTearsFeedMySoul or whatever they're going to go by next.