OLD help please. Guy told me he is bi, how to politely say I don't wish to continue?

[LoveintheTimeofCoronaa]

Hi all,

Could do with some help please!

I've been chatting to a bloke online, seems nice. He has just informed me he is bisexual 'in case it puts me off'.

Not sure I can fully explain why, even to myself as I have zero issues with anybody's sexuality but I would prefer not to continue this. We haven't met but I do want to be decent and give him a response.

I'm not looking to be called a homophobe as I assure you I am not. Just want to be tactful.

How would you express this politely??

Thanks!

AngelicaKauffman not necessarily. People are often put off when they find out the age of someone well preserved for their age. Not ok not to offer tham a job when you were just about to but absolutely ok to be put off inviting them up for coffee. Any reason at all to say no is fine in a sexual relationship context. It has to be

I don't disagree with this part: Any reason at all to say no is fine in a sexual relationship context. It has to be, we're not talking about forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to do. I think it's perfectly reasonable to discuss theirmotivations, though.

If I found out a person was 5 years older than they looked, but they had never lied about it and were in perfect health and it didn't change anything about them, then it would make no sense for me to immediately stop dating them based on that alone.

It changes their sexual orientation and their sexual and relationship history

Possibly. But on the latter point, not necessarily.

Perfectly reasonable for a someone to find out things about someone that make them not want to continue a relationship

Right. So how about another hypothetical situation. If a guy was getting to know you, and then found out you have slept with other men before and said 'oh that totally turns me off, I can't see you again', would you not think poorly of him? Despite understanding that it's entirely his choice.

Angelica, n this case it changes whether or not the OP is sexually attracted to them. That is enough and it doesn't have to pass any sort of objective test to be enough or to avoid aspersions being cast on her character as a result.

If you'll excuse the unintended pun, "there's nowt so queer as folk," after all, and one only has to look at the dizzying array of truly niche fetishes to see that human sexuality is a strange and often inexplicable beast.

What turns someone on and why rarely has a neat explanation and the same goes for what turns people off, surely? The idea that you think you can decide you know why it turns the OP off is laughable to me.

If you're getting to know somebody and you like them, find them attractive, etc. and then find out they're bi, that doesn't immediately change anything about the person, does it? Not unless you assume something about them based on stereotypes

It does if it’s something you are not attracted to. Let’s say I’m don’t want to date someone who’s used a prostitute. Or had a threesome. Or went to a swinging party. Whatever really. I find that out - person is still the same but they are no longer my sexual preference. And that’s absolutely fine to feel like that.

I don’t want to have sex with a man who has had sex with other men so I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who had.

Glitch, you just tagged me, I’m tagging you so it’s clear I’m replying to you as numerous people are replying to me. No you don’t have to excuse your reasons for not dating someone, but when you’re spewing prejudice like some posters on this thread and defending it by saying it’s a “sexual preference” expect to be called out on it. Sexual preferences aren’t an excuse to spout nonsense about an entire group of people and label them cheaters who can’t be satisfied by one person. If you don’t want to date someone then fine, but if your reason for dating someone is because you have prejudices against them that’s not cool, no you shouldn’t be forced to date anyone, but you shouldn’t excuse prejudices as a “sexual preferences” and get defensive when people quite rightly point out that what you’re saying is biphobic and incorrect.

It drives people mad when women say no, always fascinating to watch

This.

Stop trying to push other people’s boundaries Angelica - it’s actually none of your business if heterosexual people only want to sleep with other heterosexuals.

I’d be really interested to know how many gay men get called biphobic or transphobic - or is it only aimed at women for wanting to have a say who she sleeps with?

AngelicaKauffman nobody has to rationalise to you or anyone why they're put off.

In the context described the potential sexual partner might reveal that they'd had 300 previous partners or that they'd only had one, or that they used to take drugs, or that they were deeply religious, or that they believed in some conspiracy theory or they voted for (or against) Brexit, or they might sniff, or burp without excusing themselves, or swear or indeed use a twee swear word substiture, or reveal they're a passionate vegan/ football fan/ train spotter.

It's ok for those things to put a pitential intimate partner off too. It doesn't have to be rationalised or explained. Any reason to say no is absolutely 100% fine in this context and its crucially important out sons and daughters know this. Any readon to say no in a sexual context is beyond question.

Let’s say I’m don’t want to date someone who’s used a prostitute.

See, I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who had done any of those things either.

I'm a lesbian who wouldnt date a bi woman. Does that make me homophobic too?

Yes OP I'd just politely tell him It's not for you. You don't have to worry about a stranger's perception.

No Elsie I typed your name in bold, you tagged me so I got email alerts.

As for the rest of your post- it's 'not cool' for women to have boundaries that don't pass your PC test? Fuck that.

Disgusting saying she's homophobic. So many bullies on this site it angers me, why do MNHQ allow it ?!
I have several close friends who are gay or bisexual, yet I don't want to date a bisexual man myself and there is nothing wrong with that.
OP, no need to go into detail, just say it's not working out.

@Sunshinedelight1287 that's absolutely discusting what you said your basically making her feel like she has to be in something she won't want to be in why would you say she's narrow minded? If she continued with leading this guy on and breaking his heart due to stupid people like you can't have a opinion because people are bi my sisters bi and everyone fully accepts that she is but if someone felt uncomfortable being with someone that likes both sex they can't help that it's not them been homophobic it's just there body not wanting to be in that kind of relationship she's not done a thing wrong pack it in!

If someone was put off me because they found out I wasn't a virgin, I would think they were pretty slow given that I have a child a pretty odd fish but if it was said pleasantly and the person was at pains to be polite about it and express it as simply a preference of their own rather than sneering at me (bear in mind such a preference could be based on the protected characteristic of religion, Angelica!), as the OP is seeking to do here, I would shrug and move on.

Clearly they would not be right for me either but may well be great for someone else. No harm, no foul.

Why are you defending prejudice and minimising it by calling it “boundaries”?? Prejudice is prejudice end of, you can’t change the definition to suit you. Labelling a whole group of people as being more likely to cheat is prejudice and has nothing to do with boundaries.

What is an acceptable reason for not wanting to date a bisexual man please Elsie?

I don’t think your homophobic but I genuinely have no idea why people wouldn’t date a bi man over a straight man??

oh yes ladies, minimise you’re boundaries. Don’t you know you have to sleep with any man if he wants you! If you don’t your (Delete where applicable) biphobic/homophobic/panphobic.

God your sooooooooooooooooooo vanilla if you have a preference..

People can choose to stop dating someone for any reason, if that reason is prejudice then it’s prejudice, you can’t change the definition of prejudice to suit you,

trying to call it a sexual preference is disingenuous, if someone has an issue with someone being bi for both their sakes they should end it, but stop trying to defend and minimise prejudices. Would you defend someone ending things with a person purely because they found out they’re mixed race and they have negative opinions about mixed race people? Is that okay because it’s their preference to only date white people?

Since when has personal preference got anything to do with what is acceptable and what is not acceptable? That's horseshit, sorry

It would put me off too I don’t see what the problem is? Anyone can have their reasons for being put off by someone! Some of you people are ridiculous

It may heighten trust issues because there are more potential 'threats' of cheating etc., they may be uncomfortable with their partner leaning more towards men than women, or they may just feel uncomfortable knowing their partner has had sexual relations with other men.
These are all acceptable reasons, and it doesn't make them bad people.
We are allowed to date people based on whatever criteria we like.

SidsWife luckily you don't have to understand. If I think about it I often don't understand why an old friend or sibling dumped X and ended up marrying in my eyes less appealing Y, but luckily I'm not meant to understand because attraction and affection doesn't have to be explained to anyone, leadt of all third parties.

Elsiebear90 so would you call me prejudice for not wanting to sleep with a trans man?

Would you also call my lesbian family member prejudice because she would never ever sleep with a trans woman?

"Thank you, I really appreciate your honesty here. you are right it does put me off, I wish you the very best and hope you find the right partner soon but I know I am looking for someone wholeheartedly heterosexual and don't think it would work between us."