Feel like I’m losing my mind

[mamato3lads]

It’s early for this but I’m sat here in tears. DH taken dog for a walk.

We’ve been together a long time early 40s three kids. Had a rough year because last March I found porn and loads of other sex stuff on his phone. Bad times. I stayed because other than this he has always been as good as gold in every respect.

A year later the deal was, yes he can look at porn if he must, for a wank, but only if our sex life was good, 2/3 times a week.

This week we have not had sex once but he has asked for a blowjob which he got. I’ve tried it on with him, gently, most evenings. No pressure, its all done gently. Rejected. He’s tired.

I wake up this morning to find him masturbating in bed next to me, porn on his phone.

I’m beyond hurt and so angry I’ve told him to get out. He is bewildered etc as usual which makes me feel bad.

WWYD? Should I feel this angry?? We have had so many chats about lack of sex etc yet I’m lying right next to him after really wanting him last night and he chose a wank over me this morning.

I literally cannot see for crying, why does he keep doing this to me

So sorry you're going through this. I do wonder whether he just doesn't see how serious this is for your relationship and rejected you feel. Some men use porn to the extent that they aren't bothered by anything real any more. Is he addicted?

I think you need to try to sit him down and have a calm talk.

Tried talking, doesn’t work

Don’t even know why I posted this morning, there’s nothing any of you can say, it’s my problem just so fucking angry.

Sorry you're going through this. I've had something similar, however it was me who did not want sex and therefore he'd go out of the room and watch porn... It still hurt me, though I knew I wasn't really doing my part. I can't imagine how it feels in your situation... I think you need to give him an ultimatum and tell him that if he isn't happy with you and sex, he should either talk about it to you so you guys can move forward, or he should take some time out to think to himself how important is this to him. You're clearly hurt...

I don't think his masturbation habits are a reflection on you or your relationship. Try not to take it personally

With respect i do take it personally, very personally if my husband is pathetic enough to choose pornhub over a real life woman who wants him. Bollocks to that.

Thanks for your comments x

Sex and masturbation are two very, very different things. You can’t be telling your husband how often and under which circumstances he is permitted to masturbate. That’s seriously out of line.

Although I do agree it’s unreasonable to do it in bed next to you, past that you can’t decide you will control his masturbatory habits. You need to understand that sex and masturbation are two very different things.

Do you never masturbate op? It's different to want a quick wank instead of full sex with a partner. You're not the wanking police

I understand that ladies, I’m not an idiot

Nor do I class myself as the “wank police” for fucks sake

I just think, as a rational person, that if your sex drive is low and leaving your wife unsatisfied anyway, walking yourself silly is hardly going to help. It’s disrespectful and bloody selfish.

If we had a good sex life it wouldn’t bother me as much

Sometimes the bullshit on here

Wanking not walking

Walking i could cope with 🤣

These threads always shock me.
Seriously cannot believe people think it's ok for him to be wanking to porn, next to his sleeping wife who has already said she wants more sex.
Its incredibly disrespectful, I'm not surprised you are upset. The least he could do would be to wank in private.
Maybe he has a porn addiction. Have you asked him about it?

I'm goings through something very similar OP. It's not ok, don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking so. He's rejected you for porn and you rightly feel very hurt. Is he willing to talk about it?

Sorry, just seen your second message. I don't know what you can do but leave if he won't talk.

So many times..... but then he says I’m attacking him, making him feel shit, so I back off

To be honest I’m pretty liberal and he has as much freedom as he likes, I don’t control him. However I do think effort is needed in a marriage, around a lot of things, but intimacy is especially important. We have busy lives, it’s nice to reconnect at night, not always sex, but sometimes. He says he is tired, or his back hurts, or he has indigestion I try to be understanding and I don’t hassle him for sex, I just try to let him know i fancy him and if he feels horny, I’m here. For him to choose a wank over that is just horrible in my book. Especially right next to me after turning me down the night before. He says he fancies me, he pinches my bum, compliments me, flirts during the day but then nothing. I look after him, I expect him to consider my needs too. Thanks for understanding

Don't let anyone fool you, it isn't normal to have him masturbating over wanting sex at all, and especially not next to you. So he is fine to be blowed but can't be asked to make you feel good? No go.

Maybe he feels like he wants something different with you and he thinks you aren't approachable? Try and put his shoes on just for a second and see if you see things differently at all?

If not, I think you should tell him to reflect and take some good old alone time and if he spends that wanking and comes back the same... You've got it figured out already.

@Wacappa1994

I’m very approachable 😜 very open, very honest with him, willing to try or have already tried most things with him....I’m happy to explore, in fact I want to and have told him when we’re chatting about fantasies that anything goes, he can and has told me a lot of things..

I really couldn’t make it easier for him. He’s lazy and always tired and I’m the one who does everything around here and raises our boys so I don’t get it.

I can’t leave, I couldn’t do that to everyone it would be so upsetting, plus I don’t actually want to! I love him, I just want this to stop x

@mamato3lads I feel sorry for you to have to wake up to your dh carrying on like that this morning. How insulting to reject you last night for porn in the morning instead, was he deliberately trying to rub your nose in it? I would be so upset and livid and would kick him out frankly but some people on here but have low standards to almost think it's ok as if you're the problem! Do you know if he was looking at anything in particular such as some sort of fetish? He sounds addicted tbh and you deserve better than that...(hugs)

I didn’t get to see exactly what he was watching, no. He was shocked. I’d woken up with a start and he obviously moved quickly.

Addicted, yes probably, he’s apparently done this for years (his admission). Says he can’t wank without an image, or video etc. Like he has no choice the poor helpless man.

I’m so done with this. Sex ban is on and he will now feel what it’s like to be constantly rejected.

Meant to add, be careful about making deals such as agreeing for him to have his regular 'fix' of porn... there's been too many stories on here where it's never enough no matter what the conditions and it leads onto more risky behaviour such as going to escorts, prostitutes etc to get their new 'fix'. It's like drugs, basically going from soft to hard to get a newer 'fix' each time as the effects wear off etc
Also, ask yourself and him the question that if he had a grown up daughter would he be ok about her boyfriend or DH treating her like that? Is it respectful, would he say she got a good catch and be proud of his son-in-law? I don't think so...

Get him to read the no fap group on reddit. Lots of men there trying to break an addiction.
My exH was a porn addict, it's awful, you have my sympathies. There is not much you can do because similar to any addiction he will be ashamed and he will lie.

Yes I know he’ll lie. Wouldn’t have believed it a year ago but sadly now I know. He’s sheepish now trying to make me laugh, wants to go to lunch. No thanks. He can take his fucking phone to lunch seeing as it gets picked over me at all other times.

What to do. Such shit and now he’s ruined my weekend. I will have to accept it, move on but I’m livid and baffled that he can’t see that every time he pulls this shit on me, I love him a little bit less. Such a shame.

I'm so sorry op how this makes you feel . I too went through this with my partner last year but if it happened again I would 100 percent be ending the relationship and he knows that . I would prefere to end it than go feel like I did when I found out x

I was always quite tolerant of porn but then I caught exH using webcams for private sex shows 5 years before our marriage ended. He had been doing it for years. Initially denied it, then minimised it (it's no different to porn and I was ok with that so he didnt realise I wouldn't like it), then blamed me (I didn't want as much sex during pregnancy/young baby so he did the webcams so as not to pester me). Then said it was an addiction. Gave up porn for approx1 year. Then started occasional use. Then we went back to the pattern of him staying up much later and claiming he had fallen asleep on the sofa, and me being anxious.
Then, what a surprise, turns out he was back on the webcams and had spent thousands.
We split up. Its horrible because I thought our marriage was solid and he was my rock. But in the end he loved porn more than me.
I wish I had the guts to end it the first time rather than spend those 5 years being anxious all the time and feeling sexually inadequate.

It is certainly possible to cure porn addiction in young men, but would probably be more difficult in a chap in his 40’s who has been doing this for years.
He would need to be willing to try, and motivated enough, to go without any porn, masturbation, or real life sex either, for a few weeks. Once he has broken the habit, and has built up his desire and frustration, he should then restart having sex with you. He needs to reprogram himself to see sex with you as the normal “go to” response for his sexual needs, rather than porn. And much like an alcoholic, he would need to avoid porn completely in future or risk getting drawn back in.

It would also help if he was willing to attend couples counselling with you, to better understand the effect his addiction has on you and the marriage.

I’m tired to be honest. Tired of talking about it, thinking about it, crying about it. It’s enough. I’ve told him he now has a free pass to do whatever the hell he wants, become the fucking pornhub UK ambassador if he fancies, whatever. Don’t tell me. Don’t explain. Don’t lie. I’m not interested.