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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like I’m losing my mind

150 replies

mamato3lads · 20/03/2020 09:19

It’s early for this but I’m sat here in tears. DH taken dog for a walk.

We’ve been together a long time early 40s three kids. Had a rough year because last March I found porn and loads of other sex stuff on his phone. Bad times. I stayed because other than this he has always been as good as gold in every respect.

A year later the deal was, yes he can look at porn if he must, for a wank, but only if our sex life was good, 2/3 times a week.

This week we have not had sex once but he has asked for a blowjob which he got. I’ve tried it on with him, gently, most evenings. No pressure, its all done gently. Rejected. He’s tired.

I wake up this morning to find him masturbating in bed next to me, porn on his phone.

I’m beyond hurt and so angry I’ve told him to get out. He is bewildered etc as usual which makes me feel bad.

WWYD? Should I feel this angry?? We have had so many chats about lack of sex etc yet I’m lying right next to him after really wanting him last night and he chose a wank over me this morning.

I literally cannot see for crying, why does he keep doing this to me

OP posts:
Dontletitbeyou · 21/03/2020 05:05

I think all you can do, if you don’t want to leave , which I totally understand , is just accept that his desire for sex isn’t the same as yours , and that sometimes you will feel sexually inadequate ( even though I would say it’s your DH who is sexually inadequate)
I wouldn’t put up with being denied sex by my DH , but then being told ‘you’re mine ‘ when you look at other options available to you . He doesn’t sound very loving or thoughtful at all . Best outcome he sees how this is affecting you and wants to stop with the porn . Good luck

MargotMoon · 21/03/2020 06:05

However that was always based on two way respect....He's spoilt that now I actually resent waiting on him.

Can you find a way to tell him this?? In a neutral place, not at home when you want sex. And somewhere he has to listen (out for a meal together or something).

Babdoc · 21/03/2020 10:00

OP, I’ve just been catching up with your updates. This goes way beyond his porn use and refusal of sex.
You are meeting all of his needs and he is meeting none of yours.
This is not a marriage. It’s not even a partnership.
It’s one utterly selfish human using another one as a housekeeper and support service, while giving nothing in return.
Is this really how you imagined or wanted your life to be, when you married this despicable example of a man?
Would you want this kind of partner for a daughter?
OP, I hope you find the strength to leave this man. You are providing a terrible role model of marriage for your children, who are growing up thinking this is normal.
For their sake, if you won’t do it for your own, leave him. Do the Freedom program, contact Women’s Aid, speak to friends - whatever it takes, to help you see what this “marriage” really is. Abuse.

bitovvamess · 21/03/2020 10:13

I understand what you are saying, that you want change but you don't want to blow the family apart and you don't want to look outside the marriage for sex.

So you can see it as transactional to some extent, because you are in a strong bargaining position here. He does not want to split up. You can say - no more porn - none, none whatsoever - you don't like it, you find it destructive to the relationship - from now on no porn just intimacy between you and him and you want his entire focus to be on that.

You can say - the porn is not fair as it is distracting him from intimacy, that the porn is fundamentally destructive to the relationship and that it is wrong and abusive - or whatever you think.

No more porn.

None.

None whatsoever, not in the house, nowhere you are aware of, and if possible not at all in his head ever again.

From now on, if he wants you stay "his" and his wife then the only sexual thing on the table is intimacy between you both.

Sorted.

allthiswasunseen · 21/03/2020 10:17

If a poster on here expresses the slightest bit of frustration, annoyance, anger, irritation with posters who often don't even read the op properly, have strong views, do a lot of projection, a lot of assumption, patronise, are tactless, not to mention some are just idiotic

Or if they're understandably angry or frustrated about their situation, and aren't like Maria in The Sound of Music in every post; they're rude, aggressive etc. and that must be contributing to their problem

Just had to say YES YES, a thousand times YES to this. Well said. Couldn't agree more.

Dery · 21/03/2020 11:46

Another thinking this is not a good role model for your sons. This is what being submissive to your DH means. Why were you submitting to him? That’s not healthy in any partnership. He’s trained you to think your own needs are unimportant and, in your love and innocence, you have trained him that you will accept that for as long as he continued to show physical interest in you.

The point is you have reached your breaking point.

To get through this, you and he are going to need to embark on a complete re-education programme of what it means to be in a mutually supportive relationship. Otherwise it sounds like things will become very bitter which is no good for anyone.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 21/03/2020 12:27

So many things seem wrong in your marriage. Fair enough if you want to 'look after' him but even to the point of if he wants a drink you get him one, I am absolutely gobsmacked at this. Would he ever get you a drink?
Your 3 sons are going to be bitterly disappointed when they get married and find it isn't the norm for a wife to take on a servant roll for all time.
I think its terribly selfish for him to expect a blow job but give nothing in return. To turn you down for sex then wank beside you in bed is just so disrespectful.
Please don't think I'm being awful here but have you considered that maybe he doesn't find you sexually attractive any more? The porn he will be watching will probably be all young sexy girls. Perhaps this is the only way he can get aroused with these types. I wonder if he has a 'type'. Perhaps you could ask him that. I would be making him feel as uncomfortable as hell about the whole thing.
And any sexual contact would be off the table pronto.

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/03/2020 12:57

Naturally submissive to my husband, yes, and I see no shame in that.

And therein lies the problem OP

Why on earth are you massaging this cocksuckers back or giving him BJ's while you're sitting there unsatisfied and unheard??

If you want this relationship to be any different the power dynamic has to change, which will require you to stop volunteering as a doormat.

GilbertMarkham · 21/03/2020 13:16

Please don't think I'm being awful here but have you considered that maybe he doesn't find you sexually attractive any more? The porn he will be watching will probably be all young sexy girls. Perhaps this is the only way he can get aroused with these types. I wonder if he has a 'type'.

Op said their sex life was pretty active until two yrs ago, when he coincidentally started his own business.

It seems unlikely that he'd lose all attraction within two yrs, does it not.

More likely he's gotten more stressed, tired etc used porn more and more for a quick convenient fix and gotten stuck in that rut/groove/habit.

GilbertMarkham · 21/03/2020 13:17

The porn he will be watching will probably be all young sexy girls.

Also you gave no idea what porn he's watching, and of you think porn us all young "girls" you obviously don't ever watch it or go on porn sites

mamato3lads · 21/03/2020 13:23

Woah! Wasn’t expecting that.... but i can see how this looks.

Some food for thought I suppose. Didn’t think my marriage was unhealthy but I can see when I write out what I do for him, it looks awful. The thing is, I never minded. Then the kids came along, I did everything for them anyway so he just gets lumped in with that. I can now see that I’ve become his mother as someone said. Wasn’t my intention, i just wanted to look after him.

I’ve refused any intimacy this weekend and he’s like a man possessed. How strange, now I’ve said bollocks to this, that he is all over me like a rash.

For now, I’ve told him to fuck off and if he’s horny, google awaits. Pornhub are even offering a free premium service during isolation, so he’s sorted.

I feel so angry and disappointed in him.

OP posts:
mamato3lads · 21/03/2020 13:23

Spot on as usual @GilbertMarkham

OP posts:
Dery · 21/03/2020 13:38

Good luck in getting this sorted!

Lynda07 · 21/03/2020 13:40

mamato3lads, glad your attitude has changed, that's the first positive step.

Anydreamwilldo12, excellent post!

GilbertMarkham · 21/03/2020 16:40

On the sex, porn use side, sounds like he needs to get out of the habit he's gotten into of using it - so that he has the drive and motivation to have sex with his partner more.

Porn (putting aside the huge ethical debate) is quick, easy, convenient, selfish, and ultimately pretty lazy. He sounds like he needs to stop or at least minimise its use and get back in track with a realised life; as the priority.

(Related to that is the separate point that you sound like you were unhappy about him using porn to masturbate and that he said he now found if extremely difficult to do so without it.

Well that can be undone/broken - but would take him making the effort to not use porn, use his imagination and perservere until he's getting there without porn. Again, bit the lazy, quick, east option but it might help your overall sex life too).

On the subject of your relationship, I do agree that it's unhealthy. Actually I don't know how someone decent could let you work in your job, look after your disabled mum, do absolutely everything with/for your kids and on top of all that .. let you wait in him hand and foot. That doesn't say very good things about his character. At best it says he's thoughtless, entitled and a bit selfish.

However it's you who's been doing it (as well as him letting you do it) - I have no idea where you got this martyred, stepford wife, slave mentality from but it's unhealthy. I dint know how you haven't cracked before now, even when your three kids were young (bit sure how old they are now) .. I don't understand how you haven't had a mental breakdown.

You mentioned you being enough for him; that seemed to be about porn/sex but in general I get this impression of you feeling like you have to fulfil some idealised, (extremely traditional) perfect image of housekeeper, mum, wife, lover etc. etc.

He's not perfect, (see above, he should never have let you become like a domestic servant but especially not after having kids and especially not after you needed to become a carer for your mum), never has been. Why do you have to be?

Lots of "flawed" people are loved and gave good partners.

It's going to be an interesting process to try to change the status quo you've established since young and naive in your relationship and household (!)

On the sex thing - your DH realising you are angry and hurt and taking it seriously might be a good thing now, but ultimately it would be best to talk about this and say you feel you no longer have a healthy, fulfilling sex life because he's fulfilling (too much of) his sexual needs with porn. And that he needs to reduce his porn use (or just stop). And try to see what he thinks is causing the situation, if there is anything else. You shouldn't have to raise this with him if he wasn't being selfish, lazy and inconsiderate but there it is.

GilbertMarkham · 21/03/2020 16:41

*real sex life

mamato3lads · 21/03/2020 18:52

I don't know where I got my notions from either, probably watching my own mother who waited on my dad hand and foot.

Although i scoffed at her at the time I found myself doing the same thing.

DH is extremely old fashioned, very traditional, everything in its place kind of man. He was very proud when his job and success meant I could.give up my job and be home with the kids but it's never suited me. I am self employed now and work from home because I got so bored, but I dont have to work if I dont want to.

Because of that, and him being out all hours working , I felt it was my place to make everything perfect at home.

It will change slowly but it will change. I've had enough and he knows it. X

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/03/2020 19:29

I understand that you've maybe copied your mother's actions with regard to the role of a 'wife' but I don't understand.

It's 2020 now. Do you not read? Fact and fiction? The news? Mumsnet? Watch TV?

Do you have friends? Have you noticed how different their relationships are?

billy1966 · 21/03/2020 19:36

Well OP, the one thing most posters will agree on, is......you are the only one who can change your situation.

Wishing you wellFlowers👍

GilbertMarkham · 21/03/2020 19:49

DH is extremely old fashioned, very traditional, everything in its place kind of man

You also mentioned he says "you're mine" to you on a regular basis, and is clearly happy with having you wait in him hand and foot.

I think these things would set off some little alarm bells/flags for most people since the 70s .... I'm not saying leave him but I do think it would be worth you reading eg Lundy Bancroft,'s ",Why does he do that?" and keep your eyes open when you try to change the dynamic in your household (or equally think about your relationship retrospectively).

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

It is primarily about physical abuse but dont let that out you off - it's a really excellent book about all minds of abuse/u healthy relationships.

Women who love too much might be useful but I dont have an online version to link.

GilbertMarkham · 21/03/2020 19:49

*kinds

Aerial2020 · 21/03/2020 19:54

Sounds like he has all the power.
Back off and use your anger to find your own power?
It's not an equal partnership. Him saying you are overreacting is dismissive of your feelings.
You are not his. You are you. You don't belong to anyone.

mamato3lads · 21/03/2020 21:15

Thanks for the links @GilbertMarkham will take a look, but to be honest I can see this for what it is anyway. I am choosing to be in this situation because at the moment, it suits me and suits all those I have responsibility for. Plus I do love him and he's not all bad, he's actually a very lovely man , he just needs re-educating.

X

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 21/03/2020 21:23
Hmm
Aerial2020 · 21/03/2020 21:24

But it doesn't suit you because you posted on here to express that.

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