Feel like I’m losing my mind

[mamato3lads]

It’s early for this but I’m sat here in tears. DH taken dog for a walk.

We’ve been together a long time early 40s three kids. Had a rough year because last March I found porn and loads of other sex stuff on his phone. Bad times. I stayed because other than this he has always been as good as gold in every respect.

A year later the deal was, yes he can look at porn if he must, for a wank, but only if our sex life was good, 2/3 times a week.

This week we have not had sex once but he has asked for a blowjob which he got. I’ve tried it on with him, gently, most evenings. No pressure, its all done gently. Rejected. He’s tired.

I wake up this morning to find him masturbating in bed next to me, porn on his phone.

I’m beyond hurt and so angry I’ve told him to get out. He is bewildered etc as usual which makes me feel bad.

WWYD? Should I feel this angry?? We have had so many chats about lack of sex etc yet I’m lying right next to him after really wanting him last night and he chose a wank over me this morning.

I literally cannot see for crying, why does he keep doing this to me

He sounds lazy and selfish sexually.

That's alongside using porn too much.

You can be understandably angry certainly, but the ensuing high pressure is not conducive to good sex between a couple.

Could it be that, what with all the porn and wanking, he no longer has the imagination to get turned on by a real woman, plus he doesn't get the same kind of satisfaction from PIV sex due to death grip syndrome...

Can I just check that I’ve got this right ? If you listen to his actions and not his words -

He wants a marriage with a very limited or no sexual relationship and you want more.

In addition, he wants to use you to get himself turned on for a wank with a bit of sexual banter. And he wanks in your bed with you there.

You have tried to talk to him about it but nothing has changed.

Have I got that right ?

If so, I think you have to accept this is how it’s going to be, or leave. You’ve given him plenty chances to change and he won’t because the current set up suits him just fine.

Talking to him/ watching porn with him/ going to counselling etc is just more hot air.

If you said "I would like sex and am so horny right now I would shag the postman, and so if you don't want sex with me - that is fine - but do you object if I have sex with someone else and we had an open marriage?" what would he say?

Ltb

@I0NA yes, you've got it right. So sad, this is the love of my life we are talking about here, the man I've been with since I was 24 and who I've had 3 sons with. I can't see a way forward that doesnt involve more of the same but I won't leave him, no one would be better off if I did that. The replies and understanding on here today have distracted me wonderfully, so thank you

@Babdoc do you think recovery / change is possible? I'm going through the same, with some happy ending massage thrown in too. Doesn't see he has an addiction. I've thrown him out. Would probably try to help him, if he was going to fight it but I can't make him want change if he doesn't.

I'm not surprised you're upset and annoyed. I can't believe he was wanking to porn next to you in bed. He's being passive aggressive. He knows you want sex so he's withholding it from you. Sounds like a power struggle here. Asking you for a blow job whilst (I'm guessing) not reciprocating is part of that.

He's treating you with contempt.

I know @12345kbm he is treating me with contempt. He's in bed now and all day he has been either looking at me with puppy eyes or being the "joker"... playing around as if nothing has happened when he knows how upset I am. Trying to minimise, saying I'm being "stupid", I'm "over reacting". He's been told to do one. Go to bed, go to sleep have a wank over the next door neighbour if he wants, I don't care.

He’s become so accustomed to arousal from one source, it’s desensitised him to getting aroused/sexual satisfaction any other way. For this pattern to be broken, it takes cooperation from him and most likely some sex and relationship therapy. It’s worrying he doesn’t seem to see it’s a problem, more worrying that he’s not acknowledging the distress it’s causing you. When would you say this first became a problem?

Ok, cross post with your update, OP. He’s treating you with contempt.

Probably because he thinks I'll have the hump for a while and then get over it. Pretty much what will happen so he's right. I will have the hump for a while and then I'll stop talking about it but I haven't got over it, just buried it because I have to.
I'm a mum, i'm a carer to my own mother who is disabled and extremely demanding and I've got a busy household and a job. I keep it all running. I can't walk from my marriage. He knows this. X

no one would be better off if I did that.

For the sake of argument, you might be.

I'm a mum, i'm a carer to my own mother who is disabled and extremely demanding and I've got a busy household and a job. I keep it all running. I can't walk from my marriage. He knows this

Being separated/divorced won't stop you from being able to work, care for your mum and run a household; you'd have one less person to run a household for.

I'm not saying you should leave, we all know how hard it is to leave a marriage/family, just encouraging you to expire whether "can't" really is can't.

As another poster said - what do you think his reaction would be if you suggested a discrete open relationship? Not to manipulate him/in the hope he'll change but just so you could have a satisfying sex life.

*explore

Poppy54, yes, I do believe change is possible, but as I said to OP, it’s more hopeful with younger men, rather than a man who has been stuck in his addiction for years.
And, as with all forms of addiction, the addict himself has to want to change - you can’t push them to give up if they’re not motivated.
Porn is horribly convenient, permanently available, and requires zero consideration for a partner. There’s no emotion or effort involved, no need to give a partner an orgasm or any affection - it’s a purely selfish activity. And it carries no risk of failure, or criticism from the poor abused women he is watching.

I don’t think I could personally remain in a sexless marriage with a selfish and addicted partner, but that’s a judgment call each woman going through this has to make for herself. I imagine some would take a lover, others might have a low libido and be glad their DH no longer “bothers” them, and others would spend frustrated years seething with resentment in order to preserve a semblance of a marriage for financial or security reasons.

I’d suggest couples counselling unless the man is abusive, and doing it deliberately to passive aggressively torment his wife - counselling is counterproductive in such circumstances.

Is it gay porn?

@GilbertMarkham

I suppose "can't" isn't true. I could. However life would be very hard indeed and in truth it would break my heart. I don't want a divorce, I didn't want any of this. I've tried to be fair. Searched deep down for months and found myself understanding and accepting certain things I never ever thought i would. I challenged my own perceptions and tried to find a way to make it ok. The harsh truth was marriage ending and I could not accept that.

@mumsie43

I'm too tired for people like you.

Op .

Have you already suggested counselling?

Have you already suggested your marriage may end if he doesn't change?

What about pitching the open relationship thing - is it not for you?

Searched deep down for months and found myself understanding and accepting certain things I never ever thought i would. I challenged my own perceptions and tried to find a way to make it ok

This is very sad. Sounds like you've already accepted stuff you didn't want to accept.

Most women who still want a regular sex life with their partner would be deeply upset, frustrated and angry about this. You shouldn't have to live with it.

Is it gay porn?

Unless op has the biggest drip feed ever up her sleeve, I think we can safely assume that anything she has had sight of was not gay porn.

On a lighter note, I don't think I could resist getting I to bed because him with some woman friendly porn, a state of the art vibrator and going at it while completely ignoring him. Or you could always ask him to go down in you beforehand, see how he likes being asked for oral sex with no two way sex in the table.

He would laugh in my face at the suggestion of an open relationship. He says "you're mine" most days to me, he is possessive and likes to have me to himself, on his terms.

I'm pretty feisty so he doesn't get away with anything I can't deal with and most of the time he's a happy, calm guy. He works long hours, very hard. But that's where it ends. No help with kids. No help with anything. I do absolutely every damn thing. I cook for him, I serve it. I take his plate away. If he's thirsty he tells me and I make him a drink. I lay out his work stuff, I load his gym bag with fresh towels and shorts. I massage his back every day. I prepare everything for him so that when he comes home at night the house looks good, everything is sorted, dinner is ready, I'm there for him. It's been like this for as long as I can recall. He just pays the bills and that's his contribution done. I do not ask for much.

If I suggested divorce he would crumble.

I used to frequent a male dominated, very crude forum where femake infidelity is seen as harshly as it could possibly be, and in all honesty, from reading on there - I think even those guys wouldn't blame the woman for cheating in this scenario.