Feel like I’m losing my mind

[mamato3lads]

It’s early for this but I’m sat here in tears. DH taken dog for a walk.

We’ve been together a long time early 40s three kids. Had a rough year because last March I found porn and loads of other sex stuff on his phone. Bad times. I stayed because other than this he has always been as good as gold in every respect.

A year later the deal was, yes he can look at porn if he must, for a wank, but only if our sex life was good, 2/3 times a week.

This week we have not had sex once but he has asked for a blowjob which he got. I’ve tried it on with him, gently, most evenings. No pressure, its all done gently. Rejected. He’s tired.

I wake up this morning to find him masturbating in bed next to me, porn on his phone.

I’m beyond hurt and so angry I’ve told him to get out. He is bewildered etc as usual which makes me feel bad.

WWYD? Should I feel this angry?? We have had so many chats about lack of sex etc yet I’m lying right next to him after really wanting him last night and he chose a wank over me this morning.

I literally cannot see for crying, why does he keep doing this to me

Sounds like a fetish relationship OP.

He treats you like a servant or a submissive. He knows you won't leave, so he can basically do what he likes. Your boundaries are being pushed further and further and eventually you won't recognise yourself or the things you are doing to appease him.

What would he do if you went on strike? Refused to scurry around after him?

I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't cheat. I would leave if it got too bad but I wouldn't cheat on him. It would hurt so many people.

Naturally submissive to my husband, yes, and I see no shame in that.

However that was always based on two way respect. He deserved my love and attention, he was a good man. He's spoilt that now I actually resent waiting on him.

He says "you're mine" most days to me, he is possessive and likes to have me to himself, on his terms.

That's quite an odd thing to be saying to your partner at all, let alone with frequency.

That slightly disturbing point aside, so he doesn't want to shag you, but would t want anyone else to either. Not really how relationships work (unless both people want it that way). He's not fulfilling one of the basic parts of the deal in a regular relationship.

Before the coercion "what I he were a woman" squad arrives; either gender should not be coerced into sex, but neither should they expect their part of to stay in a virtually sexless marriage if they are (understandably) not ok.with it.

*their partner

@GilbertMarkham
"That slightly disturbing point aside...."

You've just made me crack up laughing for the first time today. Your posts are brilliant food for thought too, thank you x

Yes I suppose it is odd from the outside but up until a couple of years ago our relationship was very intense and very sexual and we only had eyes for each other (or so I thought at the time). I loved the intensity, I was very happy with our passionate fun relationship. I didnt mind comments like that, it was fine,.said with love.

I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't cheat. I would leave if it got too bad but I wouldn't cheat on him. It would hurt so many people.

Sorry, I realise that came across like me suggesting you cheat, or saying you'd be justified in cheating .. it wasnt really. I understand and respect what you're saying. You have integrity.

What I was clumsily trying to say wax that even the most chauvinist, meat headed, not exactly sympathetic to women men on that forum would, from my experience, think your situation was fair and that you would not be justified in leaving (or that it wouldnt be understandable if you cheated).

Christ OP....i think when you are providing quite so many comforts i would be more than pissed off to be so disrespected and then told you are overreacting....

But i guess you have taught him how he can teach you...

He certainly dies sound like any prize most women would want...

He sounds like a lazy twat..

You however, sound great, and worth so much more

*was not fair

Naturally submissive to my husband, yes, and I see no shame in that.

If you want to be submissive, then no, there's no shame in that. Best of luck with it.

I’m sorry for how this makes you feel OP. I do think it’s probably no reflection on you though and that the wanking fulfils a different need in him than sex does. Sounds silly to say but maybe not even a sexual one- sometimes I definitely masturbate for tension release/relaxation as much as anything.

The way he’s communicating with you about it is wrong though and it’s making you feel bad therefore it’s not okay. Would he go to relationship counselling with you?

*He works long hours, very hard. But that's where it ends. No help with kids. No help with anything. I do absolutely every damn thing. I cook for him, I serve it. I take his plate away. If he's thirsty he tells me and I make him a drink. I lay out his work stuff, I load his gym bag with fresh towels and shorts. I massage his back every day. I prepare everything for him so that when he comes home at night the house looks good, everything is sorted, dinner is ready, I'm there for him. It's been like this for as long as I can recall. He just pays the bills and that's his contribution done. I do not ask for much.

If I suggested divorce he would crumble.*

Op, I've got to say that relationship model would not be for me, but to each their own.

In saying that - one if the reasons it would not be for me is that I think it would encourage them to take you fir granted, see you/your needs as inferior, encourage a servant/master relationship (as seems to be demonstrated in the request/accept oral sex but not reciprocate thing) etc etc.

No wonder he thinks you'll accept whatever he gives you, no wonder he thinks you'll never leave - it's not really conducive to a fair relationship with both people getting their needs met, is it

And if I ever thought massaging my dh's back and packing for him, and cooking every meal for him etc. would get me a devoted, affectionate, loving, considerate partner and happy marriage ; you've just proved to me it won't ... Because you do all that yet your husband won't reduce his porn use for you, won't meet you half way for a regular, fulfilling sex life and you're stressed, resentful, angry and unhappy (completely understandably).

If he's thirsty he tells me and I make him a drink.

He treats you like a servant/slave (or you act like one to him, however you want to put it).

As I said no wonder he thinks he can get away with anything and your needs are not important/are secondary to his.

I'm not being snipey but it seems like it's finally being shown in your relationship why this type of dynamic can be so unhealthy. I found it so sad to read about you having to change how you think, concede, compromise etc. to be ok with how he's been acting (were you referring to porn use?) and now this.

Yes definitely, I can see how I've lined myself up for this. I'm not submissive in a sappy, 'yes sir whatever you want' kind of way. More, I was happy to do those things because I believed I had a very hard working, very devoted husband who seemed pretty damn perfect to be honest, doesnt drink, doesnt party all the time or watch too much football. Seemed devoted to me and just wanted to be at home
I was happy to play my part by making sure his needs were met. I can see what I've done but it was done with the naive assumption I could be all he needed. He always said I was.

I'm accepting it's unhealthy. I've been with him since I was young, didn't really know any different. Awareness has only come with age and harsh discoveries.

up until a couple of years ago our relationship was very intense and very sexual and we only had eyes for each other (or so I thought at the time).

What do you think changed two years ago?

Did he start using porn more or ..

Work intensified. He started his own company. It does very well and he devotes everything to it. That's the only change.

I was happy to play my part by making sure his needs were met.

Well that's a two way deal.

Your needs should be met too.

He presumably is the bread winner and provides your physical (sustenance) needs, but he is also obligated (for lack of a better word) to meet your emotional and sexual needs. And he's not.

You say you've talked and he dismissed you. It sounds like he'd be unlikely to agree to counseling.

If that continues to be the case you either accept this unfulfilling, unfair, demoralising part of your relationship .. or you leave.

Leaving does not have to be immediate if course, you could have a five yr plan.

Sounds like you have a job, you'd be entitled to 85% childcare costs I think, if relevant.
Half that business value is yours, get a forensic accountant involved if you end up divorcing and he tries to hide money - you supported him while he built it, half his pension, half his assets, half any equity. Do you get carer allowance for your mum. I know those are all financial, not emotional but ...

You think he'd fall apart if you left him, you know it's equally possible he'll just get another woman to do everything for him sooner or later.

Just realised saying he's the bread winner a d you have a job was contradictory; so you bring money into the house as well as doing all the household stuff and him not lifting a finger ... With caring for your mum, you must be absolutely knackered; in impressed you have any energy left for sex .

And my point about having one less person to run a household for if you separated is magnified now that I know you wait on him hand and foot; that's a lot of time, work and energy that would be freed up.

As a slight tangent, it's probably not healthy for your sons to grow up in the dynamic you're describing. I dress to think how their relationships are going to go if they expect the same as you do at home "I'm thirsty, I need a drink". Would most you g women not look at them mystified, wondering have they broken their ankle but don't have a cast on. Their friends & relatives would be telling them to run like fk in the other direction.

*dread to think

You are submissive. You do absolutely everything. He treats you like a servant. He states categorically that you belong to him. He uses you for blowjobs. He has stopped giving a shit about your sexual needs. He actually prefers porn and masturbating over the close connection that comes with having sex with the woman he claims to love. You now resent him.

Is this a fair summary of your marriage?

How often does he do something just for you, something he knows you'd appreciate, any special kindness? Forget about how hard he works. Presumably he is not doing this just for you.

Do you want this to be your life? You're early 40s, in other words in the prime of life. Do you want another 40 years of this? It's a tough choice. I know you do not want to break up your family. I understand that you feel that divorcing him would be selfish. However, do not underestimate how unhealthy your current setup is for your sons, who are observing your relationship and grow up to think that this is normal!

Ask yourself, what do YOU really want to do with this, your only precious life...

But before you walk away, can you ask him to see a sexual therapist? Can you get counselling for yourself to help you sort through your conflicting thoughts and emotions and identify what you really want.

Here is a book you may find helpful:
When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

No help with kids. No help with anything. I do absolutely every damn thing. I cook for him, I serve it. I take his plate away. If he's thirsty he tells me and I make him a drink. I lay out his work stuff, I load his gym bag with fresh towels and shorts. I massage his back every day. I prepare everything for him so that when he comes home at night the house looks good, everything is sorted, dinner is ready, I'm there for him. It's been like this for as long as I can recall.

You know, reading that you sound like his mum. Men don't want sex with their mothers. You've taken on a maternal role in this relationship and he doesn't see you as a sexual partner. You're simply there to see to all his needs. You take loving care of him, and what is it he gives you in return? I don't mean the house, or the family....I mean YOU?

He is gross, ditch him.