Feel like I’m losing my mind

[mamato3lads]

It’s early for this but I’m sat here in tears. DH taken dog for a walk.

We’ve been together a long time early 40s three kids. Had a rough year because last March I found porn and loads of other sex stuff on his phone. Bad times. I stayed because other than this he has always been as good as gold in every respect.

A year later the deal was, yes he can look at porn if he must, for a wank, but only if our sex life was good, 2/3 times a week.

This week we have not had sex once but he has asked for a blowjob which he got. I’ve tried it on with him, gently, most evenings. No pressure, its all done gently. Rejected. He’s tired.

I wake up this morning to find him masturbating in bed next to me, porn on his phone.

I’m beyond hurt and so angry I’ve told him to get out. He is bewildered etc as usual which makes me feel bad.

WWYD? Should I feel this angry?? We have had so many chats about lack of sex etc yet I’m lying right next to him after really wanting him last night and he chose a wank over me this morning.

I literally cannot see for crying, why does he keep doing this to me

@Aerial2020

I posted on here specifically about my dissatisfaction with my sex life with my DH, nothing else.

The information I shared evolved from discussions about my relationship but i did not come on here expressing how unhappy I was with my entire situation and relationship. I am actually quite happy! It's just our sex life that bothers me.

My role as his wife and the things i do for him cause me no stress, no upset. I am happy to do it. I can see it's probably not healthy by some peoples standards and certainly, some things do need to change - ...its just going to take some work.

You are dissatisfied with your sex life. For some strange reason you expect him to care about this and change to meet your needs.

Yet your whole relationship is based on you meeting his needs without any reciprocity.

Can you see how illogical this is ?

Then good luck.
I'm pretty sure a sex life is very much connected to the dynamics of a relationship. Especially the relationship that is a marriage.
But we don't know you and we don't know your life.
Look after yourself.

I hope to goodness YOU change op or you are setting up your young sons to view women as servants pandering to their every need which will not bode well for their future girlfriends or wives ( unless they into a culture where this is acceptable).

Start by giving all the males in your family some responsibilities that will enable them to become kind and thoughtful.

It can start small such as making you a cup of tea when you are feeling tired or sad ( or just because they are making one for themselves and so offer to make you one).

Progress to cleaning your car for you or vacuuming or doing the laundry..you will soon find that kind and thoughtful males physically become kind and thoughtful males emotionally.

How can they possibly learn to take cues on being kind and thoughtful in other more intimate ways if you don't expect it at all?!

No man wants to have sex with a doormat or demanding 'nag' or their mother so go back to being a 'girlfriend'.

Girlfriends are not cooks, or cleaners or laundry maids so don't take on those roles!

Easy now.

This is making me seem like a downtrodden, miserable, put upon, miserable and bitter woman.

I'm not. Despite his faults and mine...which we will need to address together, we've been together a long time and on a day to day basis, we laugh a lot, we have fun. My sons know dad is a bit old fashioned but as a family, we spend time together and the overriding sound come from our living room is laughter.

Yes I do too much. Yes he takes the piss. Yes it needs to stop and once I calm down, we will talk. But don't think this is reflective of our entire relationship day to day. It isn't. I love my boys and I love looking after them. My sons make my tea all the time! I even get biscuits sweetly put on the side. I think.we need to end this here as its going off point x

Excellent!

Shift the power balance back in your favour and you will get what you wish for

I don't usually stay angry for long. It's different this time and he knows it. We will talk, but when I'm ready and when I'm sure he'll listen and not just agree with everything I say to get things back to normal.

Right now, I'm giving him time to think, I dont want to talk. X

I’ve refused any intimacy this weekend and he’s like a man possessed. How strange, now I’ve said bollocks to this, that he is all over me like a rash

Because all of this is power play...

Stop giving free blow jobs without getting what you want, stop massaging him and refuse sex every once in a while. Make him work for your affection otherwise where is the incentive?

Putting somebody's wants before your needs is not healthy and doesn't facilitate a balanced, respectful relationship dynamic.

How old were you when you started seeing your DH, op?

To be brutally honest, the dynamic in your relationship makes me uneasy.

It sounds like he lives like a pampered prince at home, while you work from home on a self employed basis, are your mother's carer, do absolutely all the housework, presumably do all the work with your children etc. I don't know how you find enough hours in the day or don't collapse from exhaustion.

Then there's his very very "traditional" views, and the snapshot of him telling you "you're mine" regularly etc. Even his attitude to your work .. that a woman's work/income/role is automatically supplementary & secondary .. and is dropped if the man of the house earns enough for her not to have to go out to work - just no. That's not the reason many women work. And its the same for you, since you've chosen to go back.to working. He hasn't stopped you obviously, but the attitude was telling.

You say you're happy, but if you were my friend/sister I'd be wondering if you'd been conditioned (or I'd be searching for the scar where your stepford wife chip had been inserted).

And I do think people are right when they say the sexual issue doesn't exist in a vacuum, independent of the dynamic of the relationship.

It seems to be that you've felt you've had to accept porn use you were unhappy about. And that you had to.chsbge your way of thinking until you did. He wasn't for changing his way of thinking (or acting) was he.

The asking for and receiving oral sex while not reciprocating demonstrates how easy it is for the dynamic of service & catering to him to extend to your sex life.

Please do explore what you write about how you got into this young, and read that Bancroft book. This doesn't seem like a fair relationship whether you (think you) are happy with it or not.

*wrote

*watching my own mother who waited on my dad hand and foot.

Although i scoffed at her at the time I found myself doing the same thing.*

What happened?

Just to add that "traditional", "old fashioned" and other words to that effect describing men (or often men describing themselves like this) are identified in every thread about red flags on this forum.

The translation in practice generally means chauvinist, entitled, controlling, rigid, uncompromising, black and white thinking, superiority-complex, sleazy ... And various other things that make a fair, healthy relationship impossible.

Your DH seems to have found, until now, the perfect partner in you - at a thinking level derisive towards your mum acting like a servant to your dad, but at a deeper, subconscious level apparently accepting it as normal & natural, and totally replicating it.
Then there is this striving for acceptance, for pleasing, for "being enough", for being perfect and making everything perfect for your partner & family thing that seems to come across in several of your posts. And your straight statement that you are submissive in your relationship.

Your youth in getting into this relationship and being moulded in it is a factor too.

There are major issues in being with this type of man, some of which are finally emerging - even with you as a willing submissive partner.

Please do think about all this and read the book xx.

Forgot to add to the translation of "old fashion" and "very traditional" ... Seeing their psrtner as a possession (and sometimes kids too); we don't even need to ask if there any sign of that since he tells you to your face regularly "you're mine". It's not even sexual roleplay (though that has its own issues) because it's not being followed up with sex.

It's not possible to have a healthy fair relationship with a man who views women in rigid submissive roles ... I'm sorry but I think this is going to crop up again and again and I do wonder how someone with such entrenched views changes.

If he had been masturbating without watching porn would this have been ok? I ask because I’m past relationships then sometimes I couldn’t be arssed with sex yet I would have a bit of DIY yet I had no issues with my partner.

Maybe he has literally done the same except he has used material to get himself off?

Sometimes masturbating is just preferable because your too lazy at that moment to want to get your partner off too iyswim.

@GilbertMarkham gives excellent advice OP, please listen to her.

I am listening @I0NA

@GilbertMarkham has got it nailed but I hadn't thought of it like that before and I'm digesting it, not rushing to respond. It leaves me frightened where usually I am resolute in my thinking.

I know the deeper issues are there and I will read up on some of the suggestions I promise. I just know in my heart I wouldn't have the strength to leave him. My youngest son would be heartbroken if nothing else, but so would I. I just want him.to understand and the only way to do that is to open up more of discussions, be honest with him and demand more but I know he'll act baffled, he'll say sorry, he'll change for a while but that wont last long. I guess I made this bed and now I have to lay in it. X

I guess I made this bed and now I have to lay in it.

Common now, @mamato3lads!! This is defeatist talk. You may be submissive, but you are made of sterner stuff

Read those books that have been suggested to you. Get yourself some individual counselling. Step back from the servile attitude and speak up for yourself. And for all that is holy, stop giving him blowjobs unless the favour is returned...

@FlowerArranger

I do feel a bit defeated but only because of the monumental task ahead of me. Change is hard and today, I feel tired.

But I will try and I will read the books suggested. Thanks for caring and I promise "for all that is holy" I will stop giving free blow jobs 🤣🤣 made me laugh

I guess I made this bed and now I have to lay in it.

You really don't, you know.

But that's not what I would even be suggesting at this point.

On the sex front, I would make it clear that you feel your sex life is suffering from his porn use and that he needs to reduce it and make more effort. That he won't get sex when he does want it if he doesn't do that. I also wouldn't be fulfilling any further BJ "requests" without reciprocal sex happening. You're his partner, not a prostitute he pays to suck him off (sorry to be crude).

On the work at home/with kids front I'd stop catering to him do much. Encourage him to look after himself. Eg he can walk to wherever you store your towels and find his own towels for the gym, and place them in his bag. I'm sure he'll manage it without having a hernia.

Have you got any hobbies/timeout/activities? Did you mention running or have I imagined that. I know now is not the time for new ones but just a walk etc. in your own for time out could be good. Let him supervise your kids while you do something for yourself like he does by going to the gym etc. They're his kids too.

You need to gradually erode the dynamic in your household. If you get too much kickback you'll know he really is an active chauvinist, abuser even (not a thoughtless one who happily goes along with your self martyrdom).

If you have gotten into a situation with no friends or hobbies, when things are hopefully more workable, I would really try to build those.

Oh and please do read that Lundy Bancroft book I linked. Dont be put off by it's primary subject being physical abuse.

I think you'll recognise your husband in the abuser profiles part and other bits.

I feel tired.

I'd be tired too if I was trying to be a self employed worker, a single parent, a carer for a disabled parent, Martha Stewart, Mrs. Hinch, a Geisha, and a sex worker rolled into one.

@GilbertMarkham.... You left out Chief Dogwalker!!

I don't run but i do pilates 3 times a week and have a lovely group of girlfriends who i talk to most days but don't see often enough because of family commitments my end. I should make more effort.

I love to read, to sing, i love to go driving and I do these things often. I am actually a naturally positive happy person, I love talking and I love laughing. I'm not downtrodden and I enjoy life. I do have a cleaner who helps and I didnt mention that before, but it's relevant.

That said, I am not stupid and I can see how I've let things become this way....our domestic arrangements have fed into our sex life and he is as lazy in bed as he is around the house, with the kids etc. I've let him do this, I've actually facilitated it.

He's open to talk, he's said as much and that's a start. He still thinks I'm overreacting and we are still loves young dream but I'm hoping in time, if he loves me the way he say he does, he will be open to change.

I do have a cleaner who helps and I didnt mention that before, but it's relevant.

Ah, I was going to suggest that to take some load off as you have s lot in your shoulders there, and I thought it would be good to demonstrate that you are not responsible for all household stuff, all the time.

It's great to hear you have hobbies and friends (what do they think of the dynamic in your household, if they know?) .. seems like if you didn't do everything for your kids and everything for him, you might have more free time to spend with them (?)

I hope you can change things for the better X.

Lazy in bed, with the kids and around the home?!

That would be my personal night mare spouse.

My dh is very thoughtful and kind and is the first to clean and tidy and do stuff with or for our DC.

Each to their own I suppose.

I wouldn't allow a man to even touch me if he was a lazy so and so especially as I bring a lot of happiness and fun to our household and because I value myself highly, especially after 24 years of marriage!

Household chores are teamwork: as soon as one person doesn't pull their weight it changes the family dynamic for the worse.

How are you not consumed with resentment?!