Feel like I’m losing my mind

[mamato3lads]

It’s early for this but I’m sat here in tears. DH taken dog for a walk.

We’ve been together a long time early 40s three kids. Had a rough year because last March I found porn and loads of other sex stuff on his phone. Bad times. I stayed because other than this he has always been as good as gold in every respect.

A year later the deal was, yes he can look at porn if he must, for a wank, but only if our sex life was good, 2/3 times a week.

This week we have not had sex once but he has asked for a blowjob which he got. I’ve tried it on with him, gently, most evenings. No pressure, its all done gently. Rejected. He’s tired.

I wake up this morning to find him masturbating in bed next to me, porn on his phone.

I’m beyond hurt and so angry I’ve told him to get out. He is bewildered etc as usual which makes me feel bad.

WWYD? Should I feel this angry?? We have had so many chats about lack of sex etc yet I’m lying right next to him after really wanting him last night and he chose a wank over me this morning.

I literally cannot see for crying, why does he keep doing this to me

Fuck that. The answer to this is not her trying to turn into a porn actress.

Also not many women would be ready for sex just at the sight of a hard on first thing.

I'd ask him to leave, you deserve better someone who treats you better. X

Have you considered therapy? Couple therapy? Do you believe in any of it? Does he? I don’t see how a sex ban will help because he doesn’t want to have sex anyway? There has to be an underlying issue somewhere and on long term it isn’t fair on you not to leave because of the kids. You do need to respect yourself too and you need to be respected and cared for... I hope you get this sorted, I understand your frustration! Xx

It's such a personal rejection. In bed beside you is not ok... Not after turning you down. I'd be gutted at that too.

He needs to want to give it up. He needs to want to choose you. If he doesn't masterbate for a week or more and watches no porn and see how he feels about sex then. He needs to become sensitive again. Right now he has become so desensitised he feels like he needs the porn. He doesn't.
Porn has so much to answer for. Very sad. People losing the ability to truly connect with their partners through intimacy.

Speak to him. Make him listen. If he doesn't listen you have your answer.

@BrownWolf3

Why post something like that, isn’t there’s idiotsnet or pervsnet you could visit? You clearly haven’t read the thread

Everyone else , yes I suppose a sex ban is pretty pointless but now he knows it’s not on a plate he wants it!! He is promising me a night of passion but he will get nothing from me.

@BrownWolf3 you're an asshole for giving that idiotic advice! You're obviously a porn addict with no respect for women so fuck off... The OP has already said that she's tired of it and has had enough and you think she should start acting like a porn star to make her vile husband happy...
OP you need to start thinking about yourself, your mental health and your self confidence. Would your DH be happy for you to tell friends/family why you've kicked him out? If not then he knows he's doing wrong.. is he ashamed? Is he a good father or attentive in other ways to you? Maybe kick him out for a while but let him think it's for good and then see how he feels when he's lost everything. Will his phone be such good company then?

Brownwolf3 As Aretha sang it's all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T

He's a nasty, selfish, cruel horrible man.

OP, I hope you leave him. What a vile piece of work he is.

It's not about porn. It's about a man who just wants his jollies on his terms (blow jobs when he can't be bothered with going down on you? Fuck that for a game of soldiers), cannot be bothered to want to please the woman he's supposed to love, and cannot even be bothered to get out of bed to wank somewhere that won't disturb her and make her feel like shit.

My dh watches porn and wanks, I don't have an issue with this. However I know that he also wants sex with me and has never turned me down. I'd fell really unattractive and shit if he was turning me down but still wanking over porn.

What on fucking earth have I just read. Did you come straight off pornhub? Are you also fucking your stepsister whilst writing all this? Lol if there were less men like you, this world will be a better place.

I'm prepared to be at odds with most people on this thread and I think your reaction to your husband choosing to masturbate is over the top. It is his body, he gets to pleasure himself how he wants. If someone I was in a relationship with started setting the terms for the circumstances under which I was allowed to touch my own body I would be out of there like a shot!

For a lot of people me included, the more they masturbate, the more they want partner sex as well. If someone wanted me to cut down my desire for sex with them would also diminish.

Partner sex IS different from masturbating - if he has a bad back he can masturbate easily without aggravating this - not so readily achieved with partner sex where, even if you're careful, another person's movements can make things worse.

The situation you're describing sounds full of pressure, consequence and high stakes - not exactly amenable for good partner sex.

Yes, he should be paying attention to you and your needs, but I don't think this is black and white and I don't think you can police his body without it backfiring.

@suggestionsplease

Why are you writing "masturbating is different to sex" and adding caps, as if I dont understand that concept. Please, grow up. It's not about 'policing someone's body' , what a pointless thing to say. It's about a marriage, it's about caring for your partner, honesty, intimacy, EFFORT and it's about putting their needs alongside your own and being a team. Well, that's what it is about for me.

It's not about me saying he cant wank!! How many times have I got to say this.

Its about putting no effort into a intimate sexual relationship with your loving wife, being too lazy for sex and instead choosing to satisfy your urges selfishlessly using an image of another women having sex to get you off.

Can I be any clearer here ????

@BrownWolf3 thank you. Now you speak sense. I have tried that tack, exploring porn with him, what he likes. I am not exaggerating when I say I have tried everything. He talks the talk...I'm his wife, he loves me, I drive him crazy, I'm so sexy blah blah blah but sex is dull, infrequent and often replaced altogether with porn so his words do not match his actions.

Brownwolf- gross. The OP's hubby is just after the porn at that time, anyway.

Hi...
When I see how many people have their misery, it makes me sad. At worst, faith and self-suggestion help me to be better than not so bad. It helps me to look for better aspects of life and to believe. But I understand that sometimes that is not enough. I know it through the crisis very often.

Lucas955, that's nice, dear. Do you have anything helpful to add?

@mamato3lads
Why are you writing "masturbating is different to sex" and adding caps, as if I dont understand that concept. Please, grow up. It's not about 'policing someone's body' , what a pointless thing to say.

I'm putting that because you appear to be equating the two - that he didn't have sex with you, but he could masturbate - as if that activity could be interchangeable with partner sex. I'm saying that isn't the case - there is a huge difference between a 30 second quick fix and a much longer session of partner sex, which can be a lot more physically and emotionally demanding.

I'm sure most women reading this would acknowledge there's a difference between 5 minutes with a vibrator and 2 hour marathon sex session - sometimes you're in the mood for one and not the other.

I find the language you are using is quite rude, provocative and inflammatory - if this characterises your exchanges with your OH on this matter it must put a huge amount of pressure on him which might be detrimental to your sex life?

But you're right - he should be trying to pay attention to you, and it sounds like this is a dealbreaker for you. Save your anger - you can't make anyone act the way you want them to, and you can't make them want to act a certain way either. Calmly tell him this is a dealbreaker for you and the relationship needs to end.

It's not the wanking, it's the fact he turned her down then DID IT NEXT TO HER WHILE SHE WAS ASLEEP

Thank you @QuentinWinters. Exactly.

@suggestionsplease1. Just stop it. I’m using Inflammatory language, detrimental to my sex life?? You’re on a wind up. I’m angry for gods sake, of course my language is a bit aggressive.

Everyone else seems to get that except you please go away? I said please...I’m being polite.

I think it's fair to say @suggestionsplease1 is slightly unhinged and should seriously consider getting some therapy...

Agree @Butterfly98. You always get one.

Stop giving him BJ's for a start! if he's not prepared to make an effort why on earth should you?

Maybe it's time for him to wake up to you watching pornhub, and have a taste of his own rejection medicine.

suggestionsplease Do wash the fruit and veggies before eating them you are sounding quite barking mad

I find the language you are using is quite rude, provocative and inflammatory - if this characterises your exchanges with your OH on this matter it must put a huge amount of pressure on him which might be detrimental to your sex life?

Of ffs.

If a poster on here expresses the slightest bit of frustration, annoyance, anger, irritation with posters who often don't even read the op properly, have strong views, do a lot of projection, a lot of assumption, patronise, are tactless, not to mention some are just idiotic ....

Or if they're understandably angry or frustrated about their situation, and aren't like Maria in The Sound of Music in every post; they're rude, aggressive etc. and that must be contributing to their problem.