So why are there so many cheating posts on here?

[ceejay54321]

"There is plenty of evidence that males have less to lose than females by having extramarital sex," Lancaster said. "Having less to lose, it's easier for them to do it."

Women, however, could lose "dad's" resources when it comes to raising their kids. "For women, the well-being of their children is not improved by promiscuity," Lancaster told LiveScience.

Is this why?

No, it’s because people who aren’t having problems in their relationships aren’t going online to talk about it.

Are you writing an article?

Maybe that some of the reason.
But this is a womens forum and they come on to discuss issues.
Lots are about cheating.
But the percentage of women cheating is catching up to the amount of men.

Nope I'm not a great writer, so not writing an article. Is it just human nature - to cheat?

i think part of it is also that people carry their relationships on so many different fora now (texts, whatsapp, facebook, emails, phonecalls) that it's likely easier to slip up and leave evidence.

previous generations would only have had phone and face to face (or letters) - none of which would leave residual evidence "with" the sender.

i'd imagine affairs have always been common - they're just found out about more often now.

I would like to say no , but for a lot of people I think yes . I’m general , I think there are a lot of people , men and women who aren’t necessarily looking to break up with their spouse , but if they see someone they like the look of , and feel they are unlikely to get caught , will cheat .
It’s so easy for people these days , Fb , dating sites , where you can choose a date , like a pair of shoes . Just swipe right , if they swipe right you’re good to go .
Most marriages go through rough patches , some will work on it to come out the other side , some will just look elsewhere . It certainly seems to be fairly common . I know of a lot of marriages where one dude has cheated . It’s depressing tbh .

Side not dude

So if we can't change the behaviour, do we need to change our attitudes towards the behaviour? My personal feeling is that the concept of marriage and a monogamous relationship forever does not work for a great many people. Yet society - friends, family etc make a great many of us feel that this is what we 'should' do.

Anyone?

I can vouch for that theory.

Even though he was cruel and then just wanted the whole thing to go away,

I made a huge mistake getting divorced. Why?

He has financially recovered, and it now in a relationship with a much younger woman who wants children. He doesn't really want any more, but her wishes will prevail.

So what I did was remove the protection of our marriage from my own children. So I agree with that thesis

""Having less to lose, it's easier for them to do it."

Women, however, could lose "dad's" resources when it comes to raising their kids. "For women, the well-being of their children is not improved"

@ScreamingLadySutch - I’m sorry. He doesn’t want any -or he doesn’t want to invest the time and energy?

In my case, my ex walked out on us and into the arms of another woman.
He has now been told that he is temporarily unemployed because of Covid-19. He has very little by way of social welfare. He won't make his own rent not to mind my maintanance, but I can carry the load financially as I am in a permanent role and because of no travel/ school fees/ extra curricular activities and lunch money, I will be better off so there's another side to the story . It will take him months of not years to recover financially if projections are correct.

Misery loves company I suppose.

Back in the (?thirties?) when blood groups were relatively new someone discovered that about 10 per cent of babies could not possibly have been sired by their mother's husband.

So if we can't change the behaviour, do we need to change our attitudes towards the behaviour?

We've already changed our attitudes. We are now free to divorce and form a series of monogamous relationships of around ten years duration - which seems to be what a good slice of the population does if left to their own devices. (If the people are older, the ten years can be longer because they have different priorities and lots of life experience).

(As opposed to become mg married for life with virtually no grounds for divorce and lots of social and religious stigma).

Also the polygamous community seems to be growing, if not quite mainstream.

"We are now free to divorce and form a series of monogamous relationships of around ten years duration"

I believe (don't quote me on it though) that this is the pattern you see in tribal societies, before the institution of settled farming. So perhaps we are just seeing a reversion to more ancient patterns?

Still, marriage is still assumed to be permanent. Nobody goes into marriage assuming it will fail. The law still doesn't handle divorce very well. But perhaps people still need the idea of marriage as permanent to feel comfortable having kids?

Would there be a way to feel comfortable, be supported, have kids - and to not expect monogamy? Say if we did live more tribally - and shared resources in a group - would we be happier? Shared partners, shared childcare, shared resources.

I’m imagining a scaled down Center Parcs - everyone has their own cabin - or space - but great shared central resources. But not to live in a monogamous way within that space...and we all look after each other...

Swmmimg pool, daycare, sports, live music...

@ceejay what about STIs? Surely if everyone was sleeping around they would be absolutely rife?

I think the idea of marriage and children shouldn't be the default ideal.

Marriage doesn't benefit women that much anymore. Women work and make decent wages these days.

What do men offer of value these days?

They are mainly treatable. The HPV vaccine means there is less risk there. People would still use contraception. Infections STI or not are a of life...and need management. The tribe would need to manage it effectively so they don’t die out.

Who is this 'Lancaster' quoted in the OP's original post?