Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Fender222, I'm sorry that Ms Travel has left you waiting and wondering, that's my least favourite thing to deal with. As others have said maybe she has been distracted by other things. Let's hope she gets back to you sooner rather than later. Unfortunately we are always taking a gamble with dating, allowing ourselves open to disappointment. But as we established earlier you sound like one of the good guys and if Ms Travel hasn't realised that then it's about her and not you

@Fender222 .. have faith, quite a few of us here would probably be delighted to be taken on a date with you 😊 I hope she gets in touch this evening x

@Onesmallstep67 - Thank you - I hope you will accept a virtual hug from me!

@peanutter84 - and a hug to you too...

Yeah.. alright then 😁

Thank you @Fender222. Keep the thread updated about what happens. You'll get tons of good advice on here, whether you ask for it or not !

@Fender222 I think a lot of us have been in your shoes, myself included not too long ago. I'm terrible for over-thinking things too, and it does eat away at you. Hopefully she will be in touch soon though.

@Fender222 another here who over thinks. Keep us updated, I hope she replies and doesn't leave you waiting and wondering,it really is the worst feeling.

@Fender222 you sound lovely I hope she replies for you.
@Ant330 how exciting. Off you go again lol.

Hope everyone else is ok.
I've had a shitty day. Trying to organise getting exes stuff removed from the house . He wont come and get it and despite me organizing a van and storage he won't accept that either. I'm so angry.

Then on top of that minimal messages from Mr P. I really struggle with this and it's not enjoyable at all. I feel like he messages me loads in the run up to a date and lots of flirting when sex is on the cards but nothing when he's with kids or not seeing me.
Eurgh I'm forever whinging about this I need to decide how much of a problem it is or whether I'm needy.

@clovertoast .. no, you are not ‘needy.’ You just prefer communication where you are not left feeling worried all day. He should at least send a few warm, upbeat words don’t you think? I couldn’t stand this either. My ex husband was never non communicative. He was a stealthy piece of crap as it so happened (😂🤯😬) but he still communicates well. Don’t accept anything if you feel terrible all day. With regards his items send an email telling him which charity store they’ll be at within 48 hrs on non collection..

Clover - sorry you have had a bad day.

I don't think you are being needy with Mr P. I wouldn't be happy with what you are describing message / contact wise.

@Ant330 .. your saga is keeping me on the edge of my seat. Yes, chat to her. You are both kicking each other non stop..but clearly some feelings in there somewhere.

I’ve been trying to catch up I need more time! I’ve been so busy this weekend. I hope you are all ok

Mr M and I had our first disagreement
He did/said a few things that I really felt like were crossing my boundaries and I tried to talk to him but he wasn’t really listening

It ended up in a really fraught tense discussion where I ended up crying (frustrated) and as I was so honest, he ended up crying as well. This seemed to break the frustration for both of us and led to a really honest and calm discussion about ‘us’ and I think it’s clear we are falling in love hence having highs and lows but I finally got to say the deepest things on my mind - like the dark parts of me I hadn’t said out loud before like am I a rebound... is he ready for this. Once we cleared all that air it just changed everything so much and I am glad it happened as I can no longer live my life holding things in all the time!

I think this threw up some of my insecurities and trust issues and I feel relieved I no longer am carrying it around

I will do a whole thread recap and see what is going on

@Clovertoast

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be wondering why he is AWOL when he has DC. How old are they? Surely they go to sleep?

@bangheadhere40
I’m sorry you didn’t hear from him but I think that it shows that he’s a knob and maybe wasn’t honest with you

@Ant330
What is going on with you?

@TheCatWithTheHat
I understand your feelings about Miss C
If I am honest she sounds like someone you want to kind of save? And that worries me a little bit. That she is sad and depressed doesn’t give me hope she will ‘recover’ if that is just her life and the way she is. I really don’t want to see you wasting your life on something that is just hope

I hope everyone else is ok xx

Re anyone who is pondering DTD
This is usually not because they do not like you but because they are considering how this comes across to others and how they will feel the next day. I think it’s totally ok to withhold sex until you feel secure in how things are going and it can totally lead to over investing and a lot of stress and over whelming feelings. It shouldn’t be a reflection of how someone feels about another it is more an internal struggle about how they are protecting themselves x

@Menora oh that talk sounds lovely and really like its got you somewhere. You're right too about not keeping things in, its the only way you get anything authentic. I'm glad for you.
As for Mr P his kids are small, under 10 but over 5. He messaged to say good morning today but thats it. I've just caved and messaged asking him if he had a nice day. I cant stop myself.
I also can't take my own advice!
Realistically though we've only been dating about 5 weeks. We met at the first of feb so I'm probably being presumptuous. I just feel so insecure all the time I'm wondering if its worth it.

Thanks @Clovertoast

It made me think back to all the times I held things in and think, why? Why not just tell someone they made you sad? Angry? What is wrong with that? Why are we made to feel that feelings are so wrong and we have to hide them?

@Clovertoast

To be honest I would have done the same
I’m not the most restrained person 😂
And I think it’s ok. Don’t over think it

@Clovertoast the last guy I was dating used to do this. He was all over me when kids not around then on his weekend with the kids nothing. I used to think he was a great dad and accepted it while feeling crap at the time. As it went on I mentioned it and how it made me feel and he thought I was being clingy. All I wanted was a little communication not nothing. I later found out the kids used to be in bed early enough and he'd sit down with a beer and I asked could he contact me then just a quick phone call and his response was he was tired and needed to chill. I don't think it's too much to ask for a little communication as long as it's not interfering with his time with his children after all your feelings are important too.

@Clovertoast mr g has a child in that range and he doesn’t text when he’s with her only when she’s in bed . We’ve spoke about it and he said they are together he doesn’t text anyone. He’d answer an urgent message but he’s not making small talk when his time with his daughter is so important. And I accept that.

But he should be able to message after bedtime a little but we don’t speak on the phone or WhatsApp for hours

@Clovertoast I think he could message when they are in bed though. They will be in bed by 9 ish at that age. I don't think you are being silly here at all, and can see why you feel insecure.

I added this to another thread but thought I would post here too.

I have been chatting to a guy on a well known OLD site today. He was very evasive and blowing hot and cold. My spidey senses were tingling and so I asked him if he was definitely single. He got really defensive saying bad bad bad question, you're so insecure blah blah blah and then got aggressive so I've blocked him. Surely only someone who had something to hide would behave like that - do you agree?

@Clovertoast I put my ex h stuff in the garage with the door unlocked so within a few days it would have been damp or stolen. He soon showed up.

@Menora I think if you don’t disagree things don’t progress as you need to experience a range of emotions and also be able to express your differences.

Things are still going well with mr g. We had our night away and he makes me laugh so much. I don’t know where it will go as we can’t see each other more than once or twice a week and I wouldn’t live with a man again until my daughters older but for now I’ll enjoy it.

Ah @Menora that sounds like a positive outcome, sometimes you just have to let it all out dont you. I struggle with other peoples opinion of me and whether I'll seem irrational (ledt overs from an abusive ex) so have been guilty of holding shit in which then actually makes me act irrational so I applaud your honesty.
Seems like some of us are making huge leaps forward. @Ant330 thanks for your kind words earlier and I dont know the full story with your lady but I hope it does work out. Sometimes you just have to give things that one final go so that if it isn't meant to be you can walk away knowing you've tried. I do think it's obvious you're really invested but I do also agree with other posters that you need to try and be honest with yourself (and her) about what went wrong last time and what needs to happen differently if you do get back, while being fully prepared to walk away if she cant offer that.

To all of those who helped reassure me today, thank you and to those having a hard time I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

@Clovertoast I can see where he is coming from and sometimes after a long or emotional day I just dont have the mental capacity to make small talk. Perhaps that's how he feels when the kids are in bed. If he sends a text chances are it's going to end up in a conversation and maybe thats what hes avoiding. But I do get where you're coming from too. I dont think either of you are wrong and I dont think you're being needy. You have to be happy as much as he does. Maybe your expectations of communication levels are just not aligned. But I guess only you can decide that and whether this is something that will become a bigger issue going forward?
I hope everyone who had dates today had fun.

I've had a really down day. Not so much about him. I'm absolutely confident he wasnt for me and Im relieved I spoke up and was able to just say what I feel regardless. That's a huge thing for me and proves I'm getting there with regards to my confidence levels etc. I'm really quite proud of myself. But I must admit I'm feeling a bit exhausted with the whole dating thing and beginning to wonder if I should just call it quits and accept that maybe, probably theres no one out there for me. Im so just not prepared to settle for anything less than I want now but maybe my expectations are unrealistic at this stage. On one hand I like my life how it is. I've worked bloody hard to get to where I am now, mentally emotionally and physically so I dont want to compromise on the big things. So I'm thinking why am I putting myself through this over and over to look for someone I'm probably not going to find. On the other hand I'm only 42 and I know my hard work has paid off and I would love to be able to meet someone to share our hard work together.

I hate days like these. Its probably just hormones lol.