Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Thanks everyone, I'm not sure if I'm giving up completely and may have a browse. I'm a 1% swiper too, and find it so hard to find men I fancy / connect with.

I think it's more the giving up hope that there are genuine people out there who I will like and who will like me. I think a very half hearted attempt going forward.

Aw @bangheadhere40 I understand that completely. I've followed this thread for about 2 years and watched people couple up and wondered when it was my turn. I thought I'd found something so special this time last year. The elusive magical connection. But he didn't feel the same and I think I've hardened and become more cynical as a result. But I'm currently very happy with Mr B. Not my ideal match on paper. But I'm glad I gave us a second chance.

@Notcoolmum - I believe I can read the body language signs, though the messaging has tailed off since we last saw each other early last week. I don't want to start the silly games of holding back on texting, too old for that - I'm a genuine bloke looking for a genuine woman to have a relationship with. I have texted her to check she wants to meet up again and then I will broach the 'I really like you and I'm not going to go back on the sites or date anytime else whilst we see where this goes' and/or step things up on your next date

Thanks again for your insight

Agree notcoolmum, that ‘elusive magical connection’ is a fantasy for the most part (not always, I accept). If you’re holding out for that, it may never happen and you may get your heart broken to boot. Finding a nice man who likes and respects you, and who you like and respect back, is the aim - and I don’t think that’s settling. I think it’s allowing love to grow on a firm base. So bsnghead take a break by all means, but don’t give up. Nice men are not unicorns!

@ALittleBitConfused1 I’m worried about you. Please update and let us know you’re safe and have real-life support.

Yeh don't play games @Fender222 you sound like a genuinely decent bloke. And if she doesn't want you there will be others that do. Keep being you.

@bangheadhere40, I think lots of us can identify with how you are feeling. It seems like things have stalled with Mr Dumfries and the expectation/hope that something might develop has, it seems, gone. I have felt that many times, back to square one etc. We just have to keep faith that there are good guys out there , ones who we will connect with, who we fancy, respect and enjoy the company of. I don't want to fall into using clichés as some of them jar with me but no harm, when you feel ready, having a look.

@Notcoolmum
@TigerDater

There are decent, respectful men out there - I'd like to think I'm one of them - it's just so tough judging the pace and trying to enjoy the moment of dating. I tend to overthink all the worst possible outcomes as I sit alone in my home wondering if I did this right, did I say something wrong, did I come on too strong? Hopefully Ms Travel will text to say she wants to continue dating me - it's the hope that kills you!

@Fender222, I was going to tag you in my last post as an example of a good guy. You seem very genuine ( and astute) in your comments. Let's hope Ms Travel can see that and her reply to your text is as you hope

@Onesmallstep67 - thank you - I hope Ms Travel does reply in a positive manner - I will advise what happens!

I've only been OLD since the New Year and only had long term relationships and that's what I'd like again. It's sad to see so many women on here seemingly being let down or disappointed by their dates, all I can say is that there are decent men out there who'd make them happy - I'm feel the same about hoping a woman will come into my life again and have a great life together. Ah, the agony of it all! Lol

Hi all soz I didnt mean to cause concern yes I'm ok. He came over we ate, he just kept making jokes about stuff, trying to talk to him was just weird. I cant really explain it but when he started saying I looked tired I thought I just dont want this guy to stay. I cant put my finger on it I was just really awkward he clearly picked up on this I just thought I have to be honest and said to him I'd enjoyed our dates (I wasnt lying up until that point) but that I didnt see it going anywhere. I did say I'm sorry we should have probably gone out, asked what would he like to do now. He then joked about fucking anyway. Ffs I just felt so awkward. Its weird because I woke up saturday just thinking I dont want to see him tonight but hed been saying how excited he was all week so I didnt want to cancel. Anyway he got up and just walked out. No goodbye. Left his change from the take away on the table, his expensive jumper on the sofa. He had been drinking, I was offering to pay for a cab home. But he left and said nothing, driving home.. I felt so bad.

Well there’s no need for you to feel like a piece of shit alittlebit, I think you acted with class and kindness and he acted like a rude berk. Bullet dodged. Delete delete delete

@ALittleBitConfused1. Don’t feel bad his behaviour was unsettling and you expressed yourself perfectly reasonably. And to drive off after drinking is another massive red flag

I've just come across this on Facebook and it really resonated. Especially the part about wanting to prove I'm special enough that I can change someone's mind or behaviour... I thought it might help some others on this thread too. Happy International women's day

"We may find distant or avoidant partners alluring because their avoidance is a challenge for our ego …

We might find it more exciting to be caught up in a push-pull dynamic with someone than to say yes to love that is readily available and healthy for us.

The excitement comes from eroticizing rejection - it feeds that part of us that still feels like have something to prove.

Prove we’re lovable or worthy. That we are so special that we can change someone’s mind or behaviour.

But that excitement you feel is also draining your energy and soul-sucking on so many levels.

When we abandon ourselves for someone who’s undeserving of our energy, our inner-child is is usually hurting deeply and feeling afraid to be alone.

It's ok to walk away when your heart isn’t being cherished, honored or supported.

We're all going to have days where we show up as the worst version of ourselves.

But at the end of the day, we all deserve to be with someone who we know is in our corner.

Someone who loves us on the hard days and treats the relationship as sacred.

Any time we waste chasing someone to give us love, there’s an unmet internal need for love and nurturance toward our inner-child.

You don’t need someone else to reflect back your wounds without being willing to heal with you.

You don’t need someone to trigger all of your insecurities by treating you like an after-thought or avoiding intimacy.

It might feel unnatural to let go of this type of connection because you’re breaking a very old pattern … you might even find it “boring” to move towards love that doesn’t trigger you

Don’t worry, this doesn’t make you “crazy”, it means you really want to heal.

And to heal, you have to practice letting healthy love in.

Healing occurs as you sever your addictions to shadow relationships and move toward people who hold you in your highest light.

Healing comes from doing Self-acceptance work and making the relationship with YOU and your inner-child the number one relationship in your life.

And healing occurs from understanding yourself and your true nature in relationship."

@ALittleBitConfused1 he sounds like an absolute jerk, don’t give it another thought, you did nothing, it’s not a reflection on you, just be grateful he showed who he was before you wasted any more time on him.

@bangheadhere40 sorry your feeling like you are, but it’s great to see you knowing what you want and what you don’t want. Give yourself some time, old is tough and even tougher if we’re feeling vulnerable.

@ALittleBitConfused1 you should have nothing to feel bad about!
You've been upfront and honest and he behaved like a dick! A lot of people would have made excuses about being tired to get him out then sent a text, so you absolutely should not be giving yourself a hard time. Any decent bloke would have realised how awkward that conversation is to have in your own home, accepted it, said they were disappointed but understood, and booked themselves a taxi.
As a PP said, bullet dodged

I still feel a bit meh today in all honesty I'm not sure why. I wasnt too invested in it and like I said I really wouldve preferred to cancel. I think I'm just suprised my gut was so strong on this one. I'm really pleased about that so in a way it's been a positive experience but I just felt so uncomfortable with him which came on all of a sudden. I hate thinking that someone will think I'm a horrible person. Which in reality is my hang up and probably one I need to work on because in reality I did nothing wrong but there you go I guess none of us are perfect.

Confused...as everyone else has rightly said you did nothing wrong, he sounds like an immature jerk!

The drink driving as well....huge bullet dodged. Well done for handling it so well.

@Misty9 very true...thanks for sharing the post.

Jesus @ALittleBitConfused1 how much has he had to drink? I'd have been tempted to call the police. That alone is a HUGE issue. Had you agreed he would stay over then? Hence him driving round and drinking. Well done for ending the date when you needed to. I'm sure he will be in touch to get his jumper. And then block him.

@ALittleBitConfused1 I think someone once said on one of these threads that you should always trust your gut. I'm finding that mine is usually right, and seems yours was too in this case.

As others have said, you've definitely dodged a bullet there - someone who walks out in a sulk and drink drives is not a decent bloke.

@Misty9 that really resonates with me, thanks for posting. Definitely food for thought, as a lot of that rings true with Miss Confusing, and may explain why I've felt so strongly for her.

@bangheadhere40 sorry to hear you're feeling like that. Although I know what you mean, as I'm having similar thoughts and we seem to be on a similar path. Have you heard anything more from Mr Dumfries?

@Ant330 have you decided what you're doing with Miss H after sleeping on it?

ant have you decided what to do?

alittlebit sorry you’re feeling down. He sounds a charmer. Goes to show you should always trust you gut

confused - sounds like you did nothing wrong at all.

I feel so down today. Really meh. I'm not sure why.

The only person who could conceivably think you were horrible alittlebit is that idiot - and I would take it as a compliment!

dazed what’s up?

Cat - no, nothing more from Mr Dumfries. I want to carry on and hang out for something 'real' and I do think I know more what I want / don't want now and am being more assertive which is good. My new boundary, as with Mr Dumfries is that as soon as the effort drops / dwindles I'm just letting them go.

It's just a lot of effort isn't it really with so many time wasters.....and I am doubting my judge of character, but as someone said everyone puts their best self forward at first and not everyone is genuine. I'm too naive!

I really don't like the thought of meeting someone who is multiple dating though so if I meet someone again I'm going to have to make that clear before it goes any further.