Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@SortingItOut agree no labels needed as long as on the same page.

@SortingItOut 5 times a week! That's a bloody marriage!

I would call it a bf @pomegranatefizz someone you're exclusive with, no plans to cohabit etc. It's what I'm after. Or would be if I had any irons or was on any apps. I think I'm hoping one is just going to turn up on the doorstep one day

We’re having to take some covid-19 action, my son started a cough yesterday, so thats seven days of isolation. MrNNs housemate has CF so he has to stay here for seven days. I’m not sure who is going to commit murder first.

Seven days trapped inside with a four year old. That could be used as an official form of torture.

@Menora and @Ant330 I’m sorry things haven’t worked for you, but it did seem like you were both being exposed to lots of unneeded stress.

simon that sucks, I have had a cold for a couple weeks (before they told us to isolate with cold symptoms), Mr Ski messaged me this morning to say he has a sore throat and a head ache, I now feel bad because I have probably passed it on to him. I know so many with coughs and cold symptoms so I have a feeling many will be stuck at home this week. I think dating is going to be put on hold 🙁

@SimonJT mine had a tiny cough but Calpol sorted it in a day. Are we meant to self isolate for anything or did your little one show specific symptoms?

Hey everyone can I join please ?! I've just started seeing/dating an old friend that I've known but haven't seen in around 8 years. He's so lovely! We have been on a few dates and have plans for next Friday for a meal and drinks in our local, so I'm wondering with everything going on is everyone still going out on dates etc ? Just taking necessary precautions etc xx His job is not public facing and is constantly washing hands etc x

@dollface19 im not sure id be doing new dates but you already see this guy anyway don't you? I'd probably do more local dates/home stuff only because everywhere seems to be getting quieter.

@dollface19 I’d take it day by day based on advice , by Friday things could be v different

Hi all. Just popping back on as although I unfollowed the thread I have still been getting email updates. Need to work out how to stop those!

Anyway as I'd read your situation @menora I wanted to comment and hope that's ok. I'm truly sorry things ended so abruptly with Mr M. Great work putting an end to it so decisively. Like you, I'm always one for a face to face. And I wonder if sometimes I've done this to prolong things? I could feel the hurt and confusion in your posts yesterday and I hope you continue to feel strong today. It's often not a straight trajectory though so be kind to yourself if you feel hurt. I think @supercali77 makes a great suggestion about blocking him. I didn't block Mr S. I really didn't think he would ever contact me again. Then 4 months down the line he does and I was sucked back in... 🙈

Also @ant330 sorry to hear about Miss H. I was really rooting for you 2.

Thanks to everyone who DMd or posted on the thread that they had valued my contribution. That meant a lot to me. As a highly empathetic person I feel I can sometimes get too invested so maybe this was never a good thread for me! But I have appreciated the advice and entertainment and I've made some friends through the thread whom I really value.

So before I bow out an update from me. Mr B left earlier. I'm smitten. Oh god. This scares me. He was only supposed to be casual. But I feel supported, loved and cared for and happy. It's amazing to feel he is on my side and there for me. And me for him too. Lots of reasons on paper why it shouldn't work. But right now it's working. Really well. And I'm happy with that. I don't have anxiety about how he feels or if he will be in touch or when I will see him next. No more watching relationship videos on YouTube. I feel secure about us.

Stay safe in these scary times. Certainly puts a new slant on safe sex. Happy dating 👋

Just joined OLD. Was brave enough to stick a picture up and hoping nobody from work sees it.
I'm asexual but I still would like a relationship albeit one with very little or no sex in it and I've been totally upfront about that.
So far 65 looks and no comments whatsoever.
Quite honestly I think this is going to be a waste of time unless there are a gang of men out there who have lost their dicks in accidents or something
I found a really nice photo too wearing a blond hairpiece, really flattering - not like my passport photo.
I've tried asexual dating sites and they are absolutely hopeless, the men on there consider you for several weeks before replying and are happy to chat forever without ever meeting.
I'm not up for chatting at all, I want to get the date out of the way, it's pointless getting invested in someone you've never seen.
I think I am on a hiding to nothing unless a much older man wants a piece of arm candy.

Ah notcool that’s a warm and generous post. I shall keep a spot on my smitten and surprised bench with your name on, so there’s always a welcome for you if you pop back.

Mr GN is stranded up north by the virus, goodness knows when we’ll see each other again as I’m going away soon. I’m very sad.

So to simon and everyone struggling with the virus and its implications (which is everyone really): good luck, try to keep a lid on anxiety, and be kind to yourselves and others.

@Notcoolmum sorry you are leaving as you always gave great advice. Glad you found your happiness!

Thanks 🙏🏻 I think I may invite him over for dinner instead of going out but obviously depending on his health and mine and the situation, I've known him years and have been dating a while now, but he hasn't come over yet! He wouldn't stay over just a meal n drinks, I would say he could get a taxi home but I don't think taxis are a good idea right now ? Xx

@Eesha Anyone with a new cough or a fever have to isolate for 7 days.

@madcatladyforever why do you hope no one from work sees you? There is no reason to be ashamed of looking for a relationship.

The forums at asexuality.org are a good resource, though I assume you have found them already, there are some UK meetup events, not dating but social.

The only way you will get what you want is by being upfront and asking for it, though you might want to add an extra rule to the ones on the thread, and watch out for men who want to "fix" you, which I have read is a common concern (though perhaps not necesarily a common occurence).

I don't think that there is a total absence of asexual men, read the rest of the relationships board to dispel that myth, but social conditioning means there are not many who are self aware, or prepared to admit that sex isn't a big deal for them.

I think that OLD at least gives you the opportunity to find someone while being honest about what you want, it has to be worth a try?

Thanks for the responses RE FWB. I think asking why it needs a label is a good question, and it's led me to some uncomfortable thinking this afternoon.

I like to know where I stand and I hate the anxiety of thinking that someone isn't as interested in me as I am in them and even though Mr Finance hasn't given me that impression I've basically spent the afternoon freaking out and I really wasn't expecting to!

Because of my separation and the other stuff I've got going on, I'm not looking for serious but I am looking for something that puts a smile on my face and makes me feel good. But I've also had the realisation that by having any kind of "regular" thing with someone I'm opening myself up to being hurt in some way, which my stbxh did a brilliant job of last year. I feel ready to date and have been really enjoying chatting and meeting guys but as soon as there's a spark of something I'm petrified.

Sorry I'm just rambling as I needed to write it down. I probably don't need to analyse the whole thing anyway as he might turn around later and say he doesn't want to see me again after all!

It is indeed a nerve-wracking business pomegranate, and the terror you describe is why so many of us make ourselves unavailable/fallbacks. When you say you are ready to date it sounds like you are ready for fun and to explore options, but maybe not ready for more? Or perhaps your experience with that total charmer earlier in the week is sabotaging you 😕

@Menora, how are you doing today?
@Notcoolmum missing your input already!
@Ant330 I’m sorry it’s ended like this, but good for you for drawing a line under it, I wish you well when your ready.
@SimonJT I’m dreading any need to self isolate!! I don’t envy you one bit, good luck keeping all safe and sane.

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice with regard Mr scenery, I’ve had a think, and with a little detective work he’s still very active on the apps, I’ll talk to him next week, but I think I’m just about done, I was happy to go slow but I felt it had potential if he’s not sure if it has and doesn’t want to put the effort in to find out it’s a bit of a turn off! So I’ll match his effort and have a chat about exclusivity, but suspect I’ll be back on the apps soon (might have already downloaded one!). I’ve learnt a lot about myself and what I want and bloody enjoyed snogging him, but feel a lot less sad than I thought I would.

@TigerDater Agreed, definitely not ready for more and I know that and have made that clear but I suppose dating full stop is going to open me up to feeling vulnerable, which is not something I'm used to, usually very confident, and I don't know how I feel about that, other than a bit sick!

And yes you're probably right about that "charmer" I'm ok but I think it would be silly pretend it hasn't scared me a little bit. That someone could be SO happy to tear someone down like that has shocked me a bit to be honest.

@Notcoolmum lovely post, and very pleased to here you're in such a good place with MrB!
@Menora hope you're doing ok today?
@SimonJT good luck this week!
@Stuckinarut79 matching his effort sounds like a very sensible approach, perhaps it makes him realise he needs to do better, but if not it sounds like you're capable of moving on quickly.

I’ve had an extreme hangover today sorry guys. Great night. I really need to do more things like that except without booze

I sent some random drunk shit to some guy I kind of had a thing a while back after he liked one of my photos on social media last night and woke up regretted it and blocked him all off my phone etc. I didn’t really want anything anyway I was just being a knob

Got a longish message from Mr M this morning
I had not yet blocked him on my whole phone just WA cos of the money which he had also sent to me
So message was saying I’ve sent you the money. And apologising and saying nice things about our time together etc and things we had talked over he was taking on board
He didn’t ask me for anything or to reply
It’s all very civil
Which makes a change with ending something to be honest is less stressful than the stress of Friday and yesterday

Am tired so back to bed soon sorry will catch up on thread tomorrow
Hope all are ok

I'm feeling really down about all dating.

My irons have all dropped off, Mr Wall who I liked said he would message me today but hasn't!

I can't help thinking it's me...how do you not let this knock your confidence? ☹ it really is mine.

@bangheadhere40 honestly? Right now covid19 will not be a time where people are truly considering meeting up anyway. I'm on a single streak with an occasional FWB and I've forgotten to text him back for a week. It's one of those times and frankly if I didnt have him j wouldn't be bothering daying anyway atm. Its gone be a long few months

@bangheadhere40 yes it does affect your confidence. I tended to find things went in fits and starts, I'd start to wonder what the hell was wrong with me and then like buses I'd get a flurry. No idea why 🤷‍♂️
But you can't ignore the current circumstances affecting everybody and that dating will likely take a back seat for a lot of people over the next few weeks/months.
Might be a good time for a break to come back rejuvenated knowing you're probably not missing much in the meantime?

@supercali77 is right (as usual) No way most people will be dating. It's a shit time to be single. Self isolating, anxiety, potential lockdown.... I'd quite like a BF now. Especially as the chance of getting one seems to be shrinking by the second. No idea how I'm going to get any social interaction over the coming weeks/months. My uni is shut (not that I socialised there) so will be studying from home. I suspect my hobby will be shut down very soon which gives me a social life and supports my mental and physical health...

Sorry, rant but it really is going to be tough on us singles.

Anyway @Menora sounds like you're much better for pulling off the plaster. Good there's no animosity but beware that he may pop back. Like this bloody virus the anxiety before the breakup is often worse than the sadness afterwards.

@SimonJT I feel your pain. I'm dreading my two getting it/schools shutting. My youngest has ADHD. Keeping her in will finish me off. As her