Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@TigerDater I'm not really looking for anything. I'd like to see Mr U every few weeks. Or I'd like a relationship with mr RealLife. But I'm not really bothered about anyone else. I'm not looking anyway. I'd like a relationship I guess. But not enough to do all the work needed to find one.

Also this is honestly the last thing I think he finds me intimidating in a way. At least against me when he compares

I am very together (usually) in my life anyway. Strong job, strong family, I’m good with money, I am a good planner, I have a nice house, I am not bothered about going out getting pissed, I’ve lost a stone recently and am going to the gym a lot

he lost weight but has put some back on and feels shit, he hates that his hair is thinning and is very demotivated to go running lately and often CBA to fulfil plans with other people, it’s not just me he does it to

Well I hope you find some peace of mind now menora, he can sort his own mess out! Delete delete delete?

I am waiting for him to transfer me the money I have sent my bank details
Everything else is deleted and then I will delete him completely

It was very reasonable after all that
And I do feel really sad but much less anxious

@menora good for ending it. I'd lay money on it he'll be back. In your shoes. I would block his number

Unambiguous yes this is definitely it, no coming back from this. I'm annoyed but calming down, but nor will I forget 😉
Tiger no she hasn't behaved like friends should, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that her behaviour has been influenced by the circumstances and given enough time apart maybe friendship is possible. Not sure atm, but I need NC for a while.
I truly appreciate the advice and support, this time it has sunk in. In some ways I'm glad I went my own way 6 months ago as much of of it has been positive, but perhaps it shows me that you can't fix people and red/amber flags are exactly that, and they definitely dont go away 🙄
Anyway I am and will be fine. I'll be back on the apps soon I'm sure, although finding somewhere to meet for a date might be challenging soon.

Menora glad you've ended it, hope you're ok, he didnt sound like he'd bring much positivity to your life 😉
"very demotivated to go running lately and often CBA to fulfil plans with other people, it’s not just me he does it to"
MissH used to go through phases exactly like that, where life seemed to get on top of her and she got herself into a fed up downward spiral, those were the points where she just seemed to back away. Very difficult to deal with and even understand if you're a positive do something about it type of person.

@Ant330 sorry things haven't worked out. I always empathised with Miss H as I could see similar behaviours to myself but I think in this case she went too far and I think you could do much better elsewhere. Good luck!

@Ant330 glad the MissH debacle is finally over - it's definitely been a battle of wills over the last few months. Onwards and upwards for you!

Same to be said for @Menora - MrM just wasn't right for you at all. In the first 6 months dating should be easy and not cause any anxiety/bad thoughts/sadness etc if it does then the relationship is not right!

@DisasterousManagementPlan a wedding is fantastic news and a little bundle of boyness! How lovely

I've found this thread has changed over the course of the year or so I've been part of it - I've decided to bow out and wish everyone the very best luck in the future. The advice, help and guidance I've received has been second to none and invaluable however I've now found what I'm looking for and really hope that everyone finds what they are looking for ☺️ love to you all

kermit I’m sorry to see you go but delighted you have found your unicorn and I wish you all the very best. You have a great future ahead!

@KermitRulesOk sorry to see you go as well, but very happy it's with exactly what you were looking for and I wish you every happiness for the future.

Looking for some general advice / input. Has anyone introduced respective kids to newish partner but only said you are friends / colleagues. This is older primary aged kids. Or would it be better to wait longer and be fully honest on who they are. It would be a play in park etc v casual. I can’t decide what to do

Jane what you would be hoping to achieve by introducing a 'friend'?
Is it so that you can see each other more often ie. when the kids are around?
That's what MissH did with me as their dad didnt have them often. Her eldest (15) knew I was her BF but the two boys thought I was a friend initially.
I waited around 6 months before my son met her, but that was just my personal choice, she came along to a night out with my friends and their kids at bowling, so it was less intense as son was with his friends as well.
Or is it just introducing him into their lives so he's not a stranger when you announce you have a BF?
I think if there is nothing specific driving you to introduce then probably don't rush into it, you'll know when you're ready 😉 and perhaps at some mentioning that you are seeing somebody will prompt your kids to ask when they can meet him anyway.

I’m out with friends and honestly it’s great I haven’t had any wobbles or issues - such a good time
I feel in a better place xx

@Ant330 for a few reasons so we can see each other a little more, to prep the kids for when we tell them and also we live so close and kids are the same age (diff schools) so we could bump into each other anyway. I’m thinking to leave it a little longer as it’s only been 4 months

@Menora glad to hear you are feeling better. Enjoy your night!

Jane I think if your general gut feeling is to leave it a bit then do, I'm sure you'll know when it feels like the right time.
And if you do bump into each other then introduce as friends at that point.
Although it's something that needs to happen at some point, I think it's nice for it to be just about the two of you for as long as you can 😉
Glad you're having a good night out Menora

@ant330 good advice thank you. No point in rushing

@KermitRulesOk I'm sorry you're going too but wish you lots of happiness in the future.

@Menora I'm glad it's done and you're feeling okay.

@Menora So sorry that you've had such a crap time, what an utter idiot MrM turned out to be. You deserve so much better. How are you feeling about everything today?

I could do with some thoughts please? I had a really lovely second date with Mr Finance, he's really easy to talk to, made me laugh and is very attractive. We went back to his and I stayed over. All very good and he was very sweet so felt respectful.

We're both on the same page in that neither of us is looking for something serious, both been/going through divorces & have other things going on but want to have fun with someone we like. So FWB I guess?

I'm just not sure how that works in practice, do we still chat most days, see each other once a week or whenever? I'm conscious that I'm probably overanalysing it but I don't really feel an urge to see other people if we're going to sleep together semi regularly but then I could see myself getting attached.

@pomegranatefizz all these terms like fwb and casual etc confuse me 🤦‍♀️. I think the main thing is being exclusive or not. Mr G I’ve been seeing 3 months and we see each other twice a week. We message every day but not these good morning and good night messages. I don’t think it’s what people would call fwb but it’s like a lighter relationship if that makes sense. We have no plans to move in together etc at all but we talk about future plans like nights away over summer etc .

Exclusive FWB with regular sleepovers is Relationship Lite, which sounds like it would be perfect for you ponegranate. The only things missing really are lots of thinking about the future and enmeshing lives (friends, DC etc). Feelings may grow on one side or both of course, cross that bridge if/when it happens? Enjoy!

@pomegranatefizz
Do you need a label?
Can you just enjoy what you have?
Just do what you want to do and whst feels right.
If you want to have the exclusive chat you need to do that early on so you're on the same page.

I think what you have sounds perfect if you are both in agreement.

Personally my definition of FWB is different to a lot on this thread, currently I'm in a light touch relationship and I'm calling it a flirtationship, more than a friendship, less than a relationship.

Although we meet 5 times a week, we message all day every day including good morning and good night texts.

I'm not ready for a relationship though as I have horrendous trust issues so not sure what happens.
I'm just enjoying the moment and loving what I have which is no pressure from either side.

@pomegranatefizz i think you just need to agree whether you want to be exclusive. I see my FWB every fortnight, we do chat via text each day. We are exclusive. The only thing is it's not a relationship in that we aren't meeting kids/friends or immersed in each other's lives.

Mine is a bit more than fwb as we’ve talked about Meeting with kids and close friends in a few month. It’s like an old fashioned bf I guess 🤷🏼‍♀️