Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

On reflection, the day of the car accident
I was not concentrating when driving as I had a very bad headache/migraine the night before and Mr M was going on and on and on at me about whether I was in a mood with him and if he had upset me. I just kept saying no I had a headache and wanted to go to sleep. He went all insecure and paranoid and it was playing on my mind the next morning

@menora just catching up, I’m really sorry this has been such a crappy week for you, even without Mr m making it worse you’ve had a lot to deal with and it’s been tough. When we have a tough week the person in our life shouldn’t be making it harder, that he couldn’t step up and be supportive says it all. Reading your messages in one swoop, it’s screaming off the page how your head is all over the place, if you can try and be gentle on yourself, just breath, self care, self care, I get the whole pull the plaster off quick, but it’s ok to breath first and do it when it’s right in the way your happy with, I’m glad you didn’t end up at the soft play as they are hell on Earth at the best of times, if you need to do it face to face you’ll find a way at the right time, but he’ll dictate the timescale by the sound of it, are you I’m with that? You have the option as others have said of phone - when he picks up, NC etc and that option will still be there. I hope you’ve got good people around you, you mentioned going out tonight, being around good people is so important.

Problem is I am not in the right frame of mind to go out and I don’t want to ruin the evening for everyone else

I have great friends but I am aware I overload people with my crap very suddenly like I over flow with everything and then I can’t stop it coming out

I really want the counselling to email or call me soon

I’ve been writing bad thoughts into a diary and also good positive ones and this helps. I will see how I feel later.

As I’ve shared before I have lots of issues with mental health/eating disorder, and I’ve put a lot of tools in place to keep me safe, it’s what I do and it’s vital that I do. If I was you today, I’d be reaching out and talking to people I trust, but I would also be writing a lot! Maybe a no send letter to me m, and a letter to my future self? For me not getting this stuff out is dangerous, I’m not saying it’s like that for you but I thought I’d share what I’d do.

@Menora sorry to read you're going through this, you deserve much better. Not much to add to the PPs advice other than to put yourself first, and dont focus 100% of your attentions on him, he doesn't deserve it and that attention will be far more valuable to you.

Had a text from MissH apologising for yesterday, saying she's confused, not sure she can try again, doesn't want to get my hopes up but wants to be friends.

I haven't replied, just archived it, nothing particularly tactful to say atm. That's fine, it's her decision to make, just wish she hadn't got my hope up when there was none there. Anyway chat archived, time to move on. Actually feel calmer now I know it's over tbh. Have my son all weekend so plenty going on to keep me distracted.

@Menora
I hope you can speak to Mr M soon and get this all resolved.
Would it be better for your anxiety to end things now instead of it dragging on?
This second guessing, wondering what he is up to and what he feels about you must be affecting you a lot.
If he is a decent bloke he will give you your money back but be prepared that he wont.

@Ant330 glad Miss H has messaged and you can draw a line under things. Enjoy your weekend with your son.

This whole dating malarkey sure is a real headfuck sometimes!!

ant I really hope she will have the decency to step back fully now. And I hope that soon you will feel able to delete and be non-contactable, so you can properly move on.

menora I hope you're ok and with people who can support you. What a horrible week you've had.

Didnt want to be a dick so I've just sent "ok, respect your decision, wish you all the best x"

Good response ant. It's sad that it's come to this point - good job your son is with you to distract attention and enhance your life!

I'll say it on here so I can get if off my chest...
I'm actually pretty pissed off at her and myself that I've let her come back in and disrupt my life with the assertion that there is hope we can resolve things when actually she hadn't even made her mind up that there was any. Personally I think that's a pretty shitty way to treat anybody let alone somebody you supposedly care about. And to then just string me along with increasingly flakey and rude behaviour just compounds it

Sorry I know I sound bitter and angry atm and I am. Will be holding on to this memory though just in case she tries again, but yes Tiger I hope she has the decency to leave me alone for a while now.
She wants to be friends, but I've got plenty of those and they treat me better than this.

And breathe 😂

@Menora sorry to hear your having a rubbish time.

@Ant330 I know its not the best news but at least u know where u stand.

An iron suggested in thurs that we do something tonight. no times or anything but did confirm itd be tonight. he was out last night but txt at 8 but hes not been on WA since so not seen my reply or message today (sent at 3) asking if hes still ok for tonight (not yet delivered so have txt it too) if he doesnt reply when do I make other plans?

Ah @Ant330 ☹️
Mr SAS did the 'want to be friends' thing so I told him I wouldn't be doing that.
I can't go from having sex with someone/caring about them/being in a relationship (of sorts) with them to just being buddies to ease their guilt.
Like you say, we don't enter the dating world to make friends, we are all looking for something more than that.
Going NC was the best thing I could have done with Mr SAS as it was the only way I could properly move on.

And I think getting angry is a good thing! It shows you have had enough now.

I hope this is it @Ant330 crap but better it's done.

I don't think those of us without proper irons we've started seeing in a regular manner will have much luck for the foreseeable. I think things will be a bit too rough for a while.

I was out last night with friends and when I got back I ended up messaging mr football til 2. It was sparky and flirty. He then rang and it just didn't work. He was a bit boring and a bit slower than me. And then he messaged first thing with good morning on fb. You may all know how much I loathe a good morning message. Immediately feel pressured and irritated. This was worse as it was on fb so I could browse as he'd see me online! Anyway we had set a date for next weekend but I'm now thinking we won't get in. Is it possible he'd warm up in person?

Although by next weekend who knows what will be going on.

@Ant330 you should be bloody furious! It's just messing you around!
And yeah the being friends thing can work with some people, not with others. My best friend is someone I had a thing with. But we were friends before. I'm hoping that mr U and I are heading towards friendship. And I am mates with (ie FB insta friends) with some irons. But sometimes it's not feasible.

@Menora god I hope you tell him where to go before the day is out. It'll make you feel so much better. You need to do it proactively though not wait. I agree with others, don't wait to see him. He doesn't deserve it.

She’s no friend to you ant.

@unambiguousbeard that’s disappointing but if it was 2 in the morning perhaps he was tired? And he wasn’t to know you don’t like morning texts. Most people do.

crazycat his silence is your answer I fear. Make other plans.

@TigerDater I was tired and I'd had a drink. Which happens about once a month! I should meet him shouldn't I? But my immediate reaction after the call was nope. We could be FWB I guess.... but I find it hard to fancy people who aren't that bright. He was just a bit.. dull!

He called me back eventually - but only because I had worded the text very formally, and asked if we can talk later tonight which I said no, I was going out and wanted to talk now or not at all. And he had ‘been asleep!’

He said he wanted to talk but could not talk as DC present so we were at a stalemate a little bit.

I honestly think I deserved this chat face to face or at least on the phone anyway! He can’t delete what I am saying in a phone call

The long and the short of it is, he wanted some space but didn’t want to break up. He said he accepts that the intense communication all the way along so far and then sudden obvious drop off without telling me why was a horrible thing to do to me when I am struggling with anxiety. My anxiety makes him feel pressured and I am strongly emotional. Basically he didn’t want to deal with it as he felt he was going to get all the ‘blame’ and feels like he is always letting me down. I said I had been clear my anxiety was about all the other things first before it was about him. He is sending me the money back and is upset with himself for being such a huge prick and hurting me and not dealing with it properly.

I’ve deleted everything off my phone and I am going out tonight. Thanks all. Sorry for Saturday drama

@Menora chin up. Onwards and upwards. Etc... have a large gin and be relieved it's sorted. (And a good cry)

So is it over then @Menora or is he having his space?

Have you told him it's over menora? I don't think you need someone anywhere near your life who makes everything about him and can't stay awake even when he's in charge of DC.

unambiguous probably worth at least a meeting - some people don't like phones. I'm not sure FWB is the way to go though, unless that's what you've decided you're looking for?

Oh yes sorry it’s is done he can have all the space he needs
I don’t know if he will try get me back or not I don’t mean that in a big headed way, just that I think he was hoping I would just be all sympathetic and he would grovel a bit and we would gloss over it

I still had a feeling he’s been doing things he ought not to have been behind my back but I will truly never know