Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Last time I mentioned how much he uses FB he told me he wished he had turned off his Activity thing, like the ‘seen online’ thing
I have mine off on WA and IG but it’s on on FB.

He said he wouldn’t turn it off now because it would look dodgy but it pissed him off that I looked because he never looks at mine. He also said he ‘trusts me 100% that I would never cheat on him and has no doubts about my trustworthy-ness’ and when I asked if that was because I was 1. Boring 2. Clingy he laughed

I was honest and said I do not yet trust him 100%

@menora sorry to hear you are having a bad time. I don’t really have any advice except follow your gut and don’t be in anything that stresses and upsets you

The reason I am having such a strong reaction to this is that I think I have some kind of PTSD from about 10 years ago I had a RS that lasted a year with a man who almost completely destroyed me financially and emotionally. Some of the behaviours I see are so similar - going to sleep to avoid me, using SM excessively for no apparent reason, not really giving me any meaningful support.

I mean I went on a couch 2 5K run at 6am and he gave me a Kudos point on Strava and I think he thinks that is support

The anxiety wasn’t about him - it was about the other things! But now it is about him

@Menora, I too am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so distressed. I had a similar situation a few weeks back and I wouldn't wish those feelings of gnawing anxiety on anyone.
It's probably virtually impossible today to step out of the situation and be fully objective because your emotions are so heavily involved. But from the outside what most of us are hearing isn't great. For whatever reason he's taken a big step back from you and instead of being honest and saying he might have jumped into things with you too quickly ,he's distancing himself. That I think is an indication of who he really is, underneath the fun and loving guy who you thought you were getting to know is someone who either can't handle or hasn't processed the breakdown of his ltr.
Someone up thread hit the nail on the head, it shouldn't be this difficult and if someone wants you they don't back away from the issues, they show you they absolutely want to deal with them - because they want you.

You need to withdraw menora especially on social media. It’s anathema to peace of mind. For everyone. With anxiety and PTSD it’s an absolute nightmare. I’m so sorry.

@Menora A kudos point rather than a check in to see why you were running at 6am on a Saturday? That to me would suggest that you couldn't sleep and I would be asking if you were ok, along with the kudos (I use strava for running too so I know the kudos is nice!)

I am so embarrassed about my friends last night. At least they understand as they knew me when I had the whole PTSD thing from the absolute master manipulator (who was actually shagging multiple other women after all) so she is worried why it’s set off so strongly again. He hadn’t met them yet

I had to go home as I wanted to cry so badly but then DD1 was still awake so I had to cry silently in bed. I gave up trying to sleep at about 4am and went for a run in the rain and it did help a lot to be honest.

I never cry - this is so unlike me so I know I am genuinely struggling with my MH right now.

I was so upset when he let me down this week after my procedure which was horrible. He had made a big thing about being supportive to me but then slowly started manipulating the ‘plans’ across the week so that it ended up with him giving me 1 hug and he stayed 20 mins went home after eating a jacket potato then he went out drinking and I didn’t hear from him again until Friday AM and then it was just about the bloody corona virus which I am sick of talking about

Hello everyone, I haven't been on the thread for a while as I've been seeing someone I'll call Mr Thatcher but I'm back for much needed advice please as I know my boundaries are screwed up after a former violent partner.
Basically, when it's good it's amazing - he's interesting, funny, kind etc and we have a blast. But about once a fortnight he gets upset about something - usually work - and I'm treading on eggshells. We've discussed it more than once and he's told me he's aware that he's pushing me away, wants to change etc. He's contrite, he won't do it again. Last night he came over and I knew immediately he was in a bad mood again but he said don't cross examine me, you're assuming, it's you that's being distant etc so I doubted myself. He left very early this morning and for the first time we didn't have sex last night. I left it that I'm not sure when or if I want to see him again. Am I over reacting? When it's good I've never clicked so well with anyone, the sex is incredible, we're on the same wavelength with so much etc - if only it wasn't for these moods.

@putastrawunderbaby I think it’s ok if someone is unhappy or has a little rant about work etc but that should be it and then move on. It shouldn’t cloud the whole evening and make you feel like that.

Thank you @Jane1978xx It becomes like a personal attack, like he's trying to provoke a row and I feel like I have to appease him and make things okay again, but he's always sorry afterwards and I wonder if I'm just oversensitive

@putastrawunderbaby

Well the guy I am talking about is similar
He will go into a weird bad mood and blame work and just sleep for hours and hours (whilst also on FB). He also makes it about me to deflect from him instead of just saying sorry. He has apologised a couple times for doing it but do you feel like you then go OTT to try to make him feel better? Because this is not good

Yes @menora that's exactly it and I'm trying to understand him and make everything okay and thinking am I giving him free reign to treat me badly or am I being understanding and supportive.... I'm so sorry you're going through it too

@putastrawunderbaby that's not good. It's how my exH started out. After a year or so the bad moods outweighed the not bad moods and my life was bloody miserable and I lived on eggshells.

@Menora he sounds like he is taking a step back. Isn't he newly separated, maybe just wants to keep his options open and hasn't got the guts to say anything. I think you should also take a step back and try and spend time with friends and then see what happens. He isn't treating you well but also you are not looking after yourself either. You need to take care of yourself first.

@Menora

I am so sorry to read what has happened - I don’t know much of the back story and I’m very new to the dating world so please ignore my advice if you are not feeling it.

Let him GO. Oh I know how patronising that must sound but you are wound up so tight and he’s out drinking. That can’t be right ? I always remind myself I AM THE PRIZE. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. It stings like hell when these things happen but someone who cares doesn’t treat you like this. Disconnect from SM or from him on SM. Self love. A good cry if you need it. It gets better- I promise you this. Big hugs x

I’ve asked him outright twice now calmly too and given him an out. Each time he’s said no way and pulled me right back in. I did say we do talk a lot on his terms and I think our conversations can get muddled as I hear one thing he hears another which is probably what he would say if I brought this up, that this came from my own mouth!

I think he seems to find me confusing and avoids me as he doesn’t know what to say/do. He’s also trying to set out my expectations of him and not need him. He seems to be trying to always second guess if I am ‘pissed off’ by the tone of my voice or what I say, and I am probably doing the same to him

Ok I am still sitting and waiting like a muppet for him to decide if he’s coming today

Plan 1 is if he comes, to try to gauge him face to face today then either discuss it then or I will be discussing it at some point today and won’t let it carry on any longer

Plan 2. He cancels and I will call him and end things

Either way I don’t want to feel like this by 5pm

I’ve deleted FB app by the way so I can’t see it anymore and can’t look as easily

He is meeting me at 2pm today

I am not going to let this drag on

I also logged into the weekend we booked but I can’t refund it to myself as it’s in his name

Good news on deleting the FB app menora! Still think you should cancel him, (soft play plus moody couple = nightmare) then give him a time when you will agree to see him.

Why do men have the right to offload bad moods on women, and why do we facilitate it? Never again for me. You’re not over sensitive or needy putastraw. He should sort his own moods out like a grownup.

The thing is when I am feeling worried about something or unsure and need to talk about it, I might try to hold it in for a while and gather my thoughts instead of blurting it out. Then when I feel ready or an opportunity arises I will bring it up calmly and want to discuss both sides of it, clear the air and then it’s done. Mr M has done nothing but bang on about how him and ex never argued but also never really spoke about feelings and now I know why. She couldn’t talk to him so she gave up

Going into a mood and refusing to talk about it and then blaming the other person is a horrible and unhealthy thing to do

@TigerDater

I just want to look him in the face. I can leave at any time, I’m driving myself there. Someone can just block you from all their technology but when they have to look at you that’s different

One thing he did to me which I was really thrown by was when I brought up that I was disappointed by his decision not to stay with me like I thought, he got defensive and said ‘well I haven’t decided to go out drinking yet anyway!’. I said it’s fine you can go out if you want you don’t need my permission just be honest about it as you obviously will go!
I felt like you made a promise then started to break it bit by bit to get your own way. He laid his head in my lap and refused to speak it was like looking at one of those RSPCA adverts of a sad dog and guess who ended up apologising?? ME!

Not a good look on a grown man, menora! He sounds pretty immature and a bit of a mess. It’s not your job to fix him. You look after you.

I don’t think he can cope with any feelings of inadequacy or shame. He brings on his own issues time and time again by being selfish and making bad decisions then can not cope with how he’s made other people feel. Last week he made a big deal about giving up smoking and stopping going out so much to save money he lasted 4 days and I knew I couldn’t say anything about it because he can’t handle it.
I have too many emotions for him. His marriage worked for him as she gave way less fucks about him it sounds.

He needs/wants all the good stuff - the lovely fluffy hugs kisses sex and things to build his ego but it’s so fragile he crumples in when challenged. He’s struggling at work because he never gives it 100% and always wants to take the easy route and then is wounded when he isn’t taken seriously at work. He is a man baby. He actually said to me once that he needs me as without me he would be out all the time and in a mess and I am sensible and strong. I was obviously just the first willing idiot to get involved with him and I won’t be the last. He was attracted to how strong I was and I am currently not strong at all, so I have less value

I know fully well when I am rational that I am in a better position than him with meeting someone new. I have way less baggage and he’s got a lot more insecurities than he will face up to.

Sorry for word vomit I am whiling down the next 2 hours somehow

@Menora it's sound like you have made your mind up that you're done. Be strong x