Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@UtterSocks it will be totally fine and you’ll be surprised at yourself after how relaxed and confident you were honestly

Well, I've put Ms Travel behind me and I've dipped back into OLD and been chatting to Ms Blonde and we are meeting tomorrow evening. Had an evening of flirty texts which were led by Ms Blonde and so far so good. Taking it carefully, no rush just enjoying the moment.

Update to follow on Sunday....

So we're now 12 hours on from me replying ok to the dentist message and... nothing, diddly squat!

My mate was kinder than I expected after his open mouthed wtf expression when I explained what happened today, his wife was a lot less tactful and told me "don't you dare text her back, she's taking the bloody piss!" I then got a load of 'advice' about being too soft for my own good and I deserve better. Once she'd stopped ranting at me 😂 she said she understood why I was trying to fix what I'd done but that the way I'm being treated now isn't fair. Basically Tiger she repeated what you said 😉

Can't really answer the question as to how I feel. Pissed off, upset, confused, a real mixture tbh. Hopefully tomorrow things will be clearer, although I'm sure I'll get a call or text arriving like a grenade into whatever conclusions I've come to.

I do think the 18 year old me would have hoped I'd be better at this 30 years on 🙄

Oh please send the text then block her ant I can’t bear to watch this any more!

Haven't seen Mr Army this week as he has been training for a half marathon he is running on Sunday but he just texted me saying wish you were here. For him that's a huge step ☺️☺️. Hopefully covid-19 doesn't ruin everyone's dating plans for the next few weeks

Sorry! 😂😂

Feels like I'm just rehashing what we did 5 or 6 months ago, admittedly caused by me this time but it's just an exact repeat in behaviour I know.

I ignored everybody's advice then and if I'm honest I'm struggling to understand why I'm not just doing what I know is the best thing for me. As I said, confused 🤷‍♂️

The thing is ant you are perfectly capable of being clear about things when you are NC, so why not just go NC so she can’t distract you? At least for a while?

@UtterSocks post sex hormones for me not a big thing normally either. Unless there is a lot of chemistry then I just walk around with a big grin. Or if it's breakup sex or post break up sex. I had a bump after mr U a couple of weeks ago but nothing this last time, just a warm fuzzy glow. If it's someone I have no emotional connection with I just I feel quite satisfied! As @TigerDater so wisely said, turn the anxiety intiexcitensbt and bloody enjoy! It was about 4 months sex free when I had sex with mr U again and I couldn't believe I'd left it so long. If it's been years then hopefully you'll feel the same.

@Ant330 think that tether maybe be getting shorter.

Whoever asked about mr U, I think I might be getting over him. Finally. I'm more than happy to meet him and have sex with him but I'm not really pinning. And I'm open to other possibilities at last. Messaging very flirtatiously but not sleazily with mr football all evening. I know what you mean @UtterSocks about the things in common. Judging from his FB he's all about football and beer. Can't stand either. He is at least a leftie. We're meeting next weekend. If the country hadn't ground to a halt. I was half thinking of trying happn or hinge but I don't think there's much point at the moment as I don't think datings going to be possible for a while

You're right, perfectly capable of dealing with it and starting to move on when I don't hear from her. An emotional muppet when I do 🤷‍♂️

Anyway, just need to accept I'm back at square one again, she's made it crystal clear today that it's not going to happen. Need to stop making it so easy to be reeled back in.

@Ant330 I'll repeat what I said the other day to someone else...it should be this difficult to be with someone. Regardless of whose 'fault' it is/was...it shouldn't be this difficult.

*shouldn't!

Some of you won’t be surprised to hear that I think Mr M and I are probably half over

After what happened at the weekend when we had a ‘great chat’ things have not been the same and he’s detached from me. He let me down on another day of the week when I really needed him, but kind of manipulated the conversations so that I looked like I was over reacting. That’s how it feels now anyway. After being supportive of his MH issues when I confessed I was struggling with anxiety he has offered me zero support

He’s barely speaking to me now but because he’s avoiding me we can’t talk about it and he is also very vague on any further face to face meet ups. After last week whenever I’ve tried to make plans he just wants to ‘see how things go’ and we have booked something in a couple of weekends which really I would lose over £50, and I feel so awkward now I don’t know whether to just cut my losses and lose the money or whether I am going insane

Apart from crying an absolute crapload and then trying to pull myself together I literally don’t know what to do next.

I started to wonder if him avoiding me was completely in my imagination - he’s tried to make out like it is. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already met someone else. After the love bomb shine has worn off he’s been active on Facebook 24/7 but barely replying to my WA. I did initiate a very light hearted chat with him this morning but it felt like I was pulling teeth out

I don’t know if I am over reacting but I feel absolutely horrible, sitting at home with no idea what is going on, and I can’t ask as he has his DC so we can’t meet, can’t talk

I feel like the trust has probably all gone now. I cannot explain how emotional I feel, embarrassed and confused. Sorry

My anxiety is completely out of control, so much so that I am struggling to hold anything together. I went out for dinner with friends last night and I was a wreck. DC have not seen me get upset but I can’t even eat.

I had a car accident recently although I wasn’t hurt it was horrible and complicated situation with the other driver (involves police) and cost me hundreds. I also had a very unpleasant scary procedure during the week which was awful and I’m waiting for results and I work in healthcare so my stress levels are off the chart right now with corona virus planning

I’ve tried really hard not to let this spill out into our ‘relationship’ and have tried reaching out to him for support and all he has done is withdraw. He chose to go out drinking when I was struggling and I think that was the final blow along with now not having the balls to break up with me and give me my money back and just be honest. I think he is waiting for me to flip my lid so I dump him or he gets a reason to break up with me. So what do I do? Let him do a slow ghost? Do I go in all guns blazing while he has DC? Do I just have to sit here and wait?

menora I for one am utterly surprised to read this and I’m so sorry that you are so anxious and distressed. Do you have people IRL to reach out to? I don’t recall what the issue at the weekend was, sorry. But if he is avoiding you and not communicating with you, that is unacceptable. 💐

The issue at the weekend was that he tried to change plans to see me, but when I had already started driving to his house (so I would have had to turn around) I was very firm that no this was not ok. We had a really good but emotional chat and a nice night and sorted it all out. I gave him the chance to walk away if he wasn’t ready for a RS

But since then he won’t make any plans with me anymore and says I need to stop trying to plan stuff

He won’t phone me anymore, or speak on the phone for long if I call him or pretend to be half asleep

He will not read my WA messages for ages but he’s active on FB

He forgets everything I tell him about me

But when I try to bring it up he shuts me down and avoids me more

I am supposed to be meeting him today at a soft play but I am 100% sure he is going to cancel.

He has love bombed me so much, he was calling all the time and FaceTiming I see it now

@Menora If you aren’t receiving help for anxiety the link below has some useful information. Some LHAs have an online ‘book’ you can complete around anxiety. Not being able to eat is really common, things like complan etc are good when your appetite goes. Remember, it’s good to cry!

www.nhs.uk/oneyou/every-mind-matters/anxiety/?WT.tsrc=Search&WT.mc_id=Anxiety&gclid=CjwKCAjwgbLzBRBsEiwAXVIygGYt7ca4agry86n8ERClj_nDKXSb1X92dC1Hwrz9KCEZufshc-t0eRoCok0QAvD_BwE

Anxiety is my thing I’ve had it a long time
I’ve self referred for counselling and I have a mindfulness app
I am also trying to exercise and keep busy

But I do not know what to do about what is happening now.

Perhaps it is me
Perhaps I am too demanding and get disappointed too easily and I’m always nagging at him
Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations of him
Perhaps he’s been gaslighting me

Last weekend I looked for something in his glove box and he had a 6 pack of durex in there with only 4 in. It isn’t ones I have seen before they are blue. He instantly said they had been there ages and I had literally no reason to doubt him
But last night he was on FB for over 8 hours continuously and ‘pretending’ to be asleep. Perhaps he left his laptop open 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Menora I really wasn't expecting to hear this either. So he's been ignoring you/shutting you down for days? No wonder you feel anxious. My exH used to do this. It leaves you feeling bewildered and yeah anxious as you want to talk it through. I think you have to pull yourself together enough to ring him and tell him it's over. You know it is. You can't leave it to be a slow fade it'll be excruciating. You'll feel better in yourself and hopefully less anxious (although who isn't anxious at the mo meant..) forget about him being with his DCs. If he won't pick up the phone then do it by message. Unfriend him on FB. Do it, cry you'll feel better.

And whether he's met someone else is irrelevant, it's you he's treating like shit. Whatever the reason it's unacceptable.

Oh @Menora, this is awful! Honestly, your gut instinct is screaming at you and you need to listen to it. Put all the stuff together - on SM at all hours of the night, out for boozy nights which leave him unfit for anything the next day when he's supposed to be seeing you, pack of half empty condoms in the glovebox (wtf??), contacts you on his terms (he's breadcrumbing you), unsupportive of your emotional needs (relationships aren't all about the sex - he hasn't read the memo). I could go on, but personally I'd be giving it to him both barrels, then calling it a day. Relationships shouldn't cause this amount of anxiety - a small amount perhaps whilst you're unsure of your feelings for each other and whether there is potential for this thing to develop into something more long term, but not to the point where you are crying, losing sleep and not eating.

Is this the guy with the v young children who is out of a LTR and you are his first RS? I suspect he wants to play the field a little first before he settles down again. You always come across as very laid back, just in this for fun and whatever happens, happens, but I think he's got under your skin and you're much more invested in him than you thought you would get and now it's really hurting you. You deserve so much better lovely. 💐

menora I know nothing about anxiety but I can hear you’re in a loop, going round in circles. I would suggest you cancel the soft play meet-up as a first step, get in there first so you’re not constantly expecting a message that he’s cancelling. Maybe also tell him that your anxiety is through the roof so you are taking a step back to concentrate on you? As for the durex and FB, there are perfectly reasonable explanations for both (old, and left logged in - I do that all the time). What matters right now is not what HE is doing or the reasons for that, but YOUR health.

@Menora If he can't have a conversation with you about things when you are in such a bad place, then he doesn't deserve you at your best.
And why would you keep condoms in your glove box? Anyone could find them...including his kids?!

Ok I had text him to ask if he had a time in mind for soft play - which gives him his chance to duck out of it. He actually text back ‘going swimming now and will see but probably lunchtime’. This means nothing though does it because he’s put a caveat in it!

This is so fucking outing but.. my DD works there and he can get in for free if he goes with me. We have taken just his baby there a couple times now but not the 4yo, this was the first time I was meeting him but not as a GF just a ‘friend’ of daddy. On Thursday he told me he was thinking of speaking to his ex about me meeting the DC properly. So see? He’s given me this weird hope

I do not want to do anything ideally before I look him straight in the face. I always feel stronger when I can look someone in the eye as I know fully well he cannot lie to my actual face (hence avoiding me). I will know even without saying anything that something is wrong with him.

If he cancels on me after all this anyway then I have 2 options
I’m going out tonight and I don’t want this to ruin another evening of my life