Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Mylife I think there are more subtle ways of hinting he is one of those rarest of men who enjoys a blowjob 😂
It doesn't matter what the sexual activity is, if one person clearly states they aren't in to it then you respect their preferences rather than insisting you're the one to change their mind. Idiot! 🙄

So my lunch with MissH didnt happen, again! 🙄 I feel a little bit like a fish on a hook atm, being reeled in a bit with increasing hope and then let out to the end of the line again, but always still hooked on ready to be pulled back in again but never actually caught 🙄
I know deep down what I need to do, just need to find my missing big boy pants to do it.

Ah @Ant330

Honestly. Hope is a horrible thing sometimes. Sooner or later you'll reach the end of your tether. If that's your thing... 🤣😳

Just go easy on yourself. You'll know when it's time to say you've had enough.

@Ant330 argh how annoying, was it genuine, or is she playing games do you think? Has she set up a new time?

@Myfabby welcome, I did 4 dates with no more than a peck on the cheek, before I asked him if it was a friends zone thing via text, I couldn’t do a 5th date without clearing it up and couldn’t quite find a way to take matters into my own hands!!

Yeah it's shit Unambiguous sad thing is I just wasnt in the least bit surprised, been here before 🤷‍♂️
Trouble is the things she says when we do speak are just so conflicting. Told me the other day that she was chatting to her eldest daughter about me helping her with her college interviews almost as if nothing has changed. Right at this moment I really do not understand what's going on, other than knowing I've done and said everything I possibly can.

@Myfabby - I also did about 4 dates with nothing more than a peck. In the end I just asked, and we ended up doing our next date at home, where it was a completely different story. I'm actually very shy about PDA so I wasn't really able to get in the mood to kiss when we were out.

Opinions and advice needed please, hoping for a broad spectrum and want to hear what I don’t want to hear!! Men on the thread Id be interested in your take please.

Quick back story, been seeing mr scenery for two months after matching on Pof, seen him once a week, message each evening, I initiated a conversation about wether we were just friends after 4 dates of no kissing, he said it wasn’t a friend zone thing, and since then we’ve ended dates with some very passionate snogging. This week I invited him into my home saying my sofa was probably more comfortable than the car, he hesitated, I made it clear it was just a come in for ten minutes or we could stay in the car, he came in and more passionate kissing for close to an hour.
I texted him last night to check in with him and wanted to say it would have been ok if he hadn’t wanted to come in, his reply was
He’s aware he’s a mess right now, he doesn’t want to rush into something and mess me around, but also knows we aren’t rushing, he was concerned he’d upset me but was hoping we could continue as we are for now.

So, what do I do? I’ve told him I’m fine with slow and I’m having fun so happy to go with how things are, but now I’ve slept on it and done some thinking, I’m not sure that’s the best way to deal with it, it’s certainly an option, the other is the Matthew Hussey way and I could say to him
“I hear what your saying, and I care about you, so yes you should take some time on your own to figure it out, and I hope I’m still available when you do” I’m also aware of mr unavailable and the fall back guy, is he showing me he’s unavailable? Just because he’s got sound boundaries, is using emotionally intelligent language, and we’re not having sex, I could be overlooking the fact he’s unavailable.

I’m ok with slow and getting to know someone, I need to figure out if he’s right for me anyway, I need to figure out what I want! But what I don’t want to be is the girl he sees while he sorts his head out, then when he does he moves on to someone else.

He’s said he feels like a bit of an idiot that after a ltr they got married and things fell apart really quickly afterwards, so separated 18 months after, so I’m guessing his worry comes from jumping into something that ends quickly.

Do I keep seeing him, enjoy the time we spend together, get to know him and work out if there’s a future there, or am I wasting my time and I should move on? I like him, there’s a lot of chemistry there but I don’t want to fall for him and find he’s not ready/willing to move things forward in a few months.

Stuckinarut I'm assuming maybe naively that it's genuine, she didn't mention it on Weds when we spoke, but she's pretty forgetful so it wouldn't surprise me if she only realised today.
But no apology, no suggestion of an alternative, just "I'm taking to the dentist". That was getting on for 4 hours ago and not heard a thing since.
Honestly as I type this out all I'm thinking is somebody give me a bloody slap! I'm going out for a couple of beers in an hour with my best mate, I suspect he'll do it 😂

@Stuckinarut79 - I guess the question bus whether you can live in the moment, have fun and then leave the bigger questions about where this is going for the future. If you can, and you are enjoying this relationship for what it is, then there's no need to stop seeing him.

Are you exclusive and off the apps?

stuckinarut is what he's offering and giving at the moment what you want?
Or by staying with him are you stopping yourself going out and finding that with someone else?

ant I've slapped you before about this woman so I'm happy to slap you again! Whatever her underlying issues or current reasoning, you are being messed around/punished and shown that your time, feelings and wellbeing are secondary in this relationship. You deserve so, so, so much more. I really think you should send her a message that you are a man not a fish, you wish her well but you will be getting on with your life without her henceforth. Then delete. Unless she comes back with 'Of course, that is your right, I wish you well in return', I would block her too.

stuckinarut I am a very spontaneous person so not the best judge of 'taking it slow' but I would seriously question why a man is turning down the offer of sex with a lovely woman after what 7 dates. Just how much of a mess is he? If he is that much of a mess up, when will he be ready for a relationship - soon? And if he is not that much of a mess, why is he turning you down? Are you a second string perhaps, a fallback in case someone else he is currently seeing falls through? I really hope I'm wrong, and I probably am, but it's a possibility.

@Ant330 glad you’ve got a good mate to give you a slap! It’s a tough one as that’s not ok behaviour when your trying to work things through! I completely get the feeling of left dangling!

I’ve come off the apps, and I have to have that discussion with him as it absolutely wouldn’t be ok if he was still on them and seeing other people.

I am happy with how things are at the moment, I’d like to see him a little more often, but that of itself isn’t a deal breaker, I’m ok not having sex but if he keeps kissing me the way he does there will be a level of frustration! I think less kissing is the answer to that one!

I think the reason I’m mostly concerned is that he specifically said “he didn’t want to mess me around” which tells me he doesn’t know what he wants and has triggered insecurities in me, as as much as I’m trying to see this as his issues, a part of me is going “what’s wrong with me? That he doesn’t want more” and I’m not sure that I can keep those thoughts out of my head indefinitely!

@TigerDater thank you, that’s exactly the sort of thing I wanted to hear, these are the things I need to think about, I know I’m trusting and a bit naive and insecure a healthy look at other possibilities is exactly what I was hoping for!

Thanks for the support guys. I'm good and I have a second date tonight which I refuse to let that idiot make me feel less excited about.

@Stuckinarut79 It's hard, you obviously really like him but that doesn't mean he's right for you and whatever issues he's got are his own, you can't help him work through them not really, just speaking from experience. Echoing the below what do you really want from dating at the moment, are you getting that from him? If not I agree with the letting him go to get himself sorted and carrying on with your life. If it's meant to be and all that...

@Ant330 Is there more of a back story here maybe with her ex's or anything like that? I only as because I know that it would've made me feel rubbish to have a guy split up with me and then come back. If it's happened to her before maybe she's just really wary? But either way it's not really your issue and you do massively deserve more than being strung along, so whatever her reason you need to look after you and this constant dangling isn't doing that!

@Stuckinarut79 - to put another perspective on it, he could be genuine, or by telling you he doesn't want to mess you about, if he does, he could then say he did warn you!

I'm a little torn with Mr Wall. He told me he has just come out of a 23 year marriage, wants to carry on chatting / meet up but is still finding his feet, and would understand if I was put off. Not sure if there is huge ex issues, or if it's worth carrying on. I think he is just being genuine.

@Stuckinarut79 is it possible he could
Have Ed or something he is not ready to tackle ? It seems a little odd he is happy to see you but not to take it further. Do you know what the mess is ?

@bangheadhere40. I’m out of a 20 year marriage, about 9 months out, and while the situation is still messy, that’s due to my ex being an arse not about any feelings on my part. It’s very tiring emotionally at times dealing with him, but that doesn’t mean I’m not ready to date. I would like to think he’s just being honest, I have been when I’ve chatted to anyone

Hi all - just finishing after an exhausting week, but I think work is going to let me go part-time for a bit to sort out my stress levels/divorce etc so maybe a bit of light at the end of the tunnel...

@pomegranatefizz that is one of the most appalling displays of behaviour I've heard for a long time. What a total arse, don't let him spoil your self-confidence, he sounds like a twunt

@Ant330 I really feel for you - it is the worst thing when someone blows hot and cold or cancels on you at the last moment. I don't know all of the back story but it has been on and off, push and pull for a while hasn't it? How are you feeling tonight?

@unambiguousbeard what's the latest with Mr RealLife then, are you just going to go for being friends? Is MrU still on the scene?

@mylife he sounds quite a charmer. I don't think I would do anal either. I know lots of people love it but I would feel very uncomfortable being pressured into that so good to stick to your boundaries.

@bangheadhere40 and @Stuckinarut79 - I hope your respective irons are being genuine, but even so, if they have issues then they are likely to carry on going forward aren't they? I don't know who it was who said, 'when someone tells you who they are, listen' but I often wish I had listened harder to people. But if you are enjoying seeing these men and can do so without any expectations then there is no harm in carrying on. I have my issues too (massively) but am not mentioning them while I think they won't be a problem. But then my issues with my ex aren't emotional. I just can't handle the practical and financial aspects of divorce.

Not that I am qualified to give advice to any of you. I have no idea what I am doing with my life.

Mr Science is back on the scene after his 3 week holiday and we are meeting tomorrow. This is the guy I used to work with that I really liked. We have loads in common and he is very good looking, no baggage (ex wife lives abroad, no kids). But while he was away I have somehow got entangled with Mr Beard (not really believing Mr Science would message me when he came back tbh as I sort of think he is out of my league). And as I may have mentioned, I am meeting Mr Beard on Monday when we are going to a hotel for sex (it will be our 4th date and I'm surprised I've lasted this long). I have never done anything like this in my life before!

Met Mr Beard today for coffee though, and the more I speak to him the more I realise we have very little in common. I am a bit (lot) of a Guardian leftie and he is quite different. Don't have the same taste in anything either, completely different values... he's undoubtedly a decent guy, uncomplicated, kind, but all we seem to share is a sense of humour and finding each other ridiculously attractive. And I was thinking this, and thinking how unsuited we actually are despite getting on so well, and then he kissed me on the stairs on the way out of the building and I utterly forgot all about it and have been quite derailed all afternoon. I have never been kissed like that in my life. He said he was looking for a relationship, but if so ours is very one-track! Maybe he just wants me for sex, but even so...

I am also quite petrified about the thought of having sex for the first time in literally years! And now you have all scared me further with this talk of sex hormones. WHAT? I am enough of a basket case already without being tormented on Tuesday by sex hormones! What will they do to me? I need to go and lie down.

@Mylifestartstoday Re your Mr Sparky (i think?) People may happily do that sort of initial talk with each other - I'm not judging. I just don't think it puts across what I'm looking for when I start talking to someone so no, I wouldn't dream of it. Of course I want a great sex life with someone eventually but you know, at the appropriate point I might be minded to say just that, rather than any Letters to Mayfair literary works.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to say exactly what I was thinking. He’s in the bin, which is a shame as I found him incredibly hot and we actually had a spark, and messaged all day about all kinds of stuff. He’s the first old I’ve felt really attracted to so I’m a bit (a lot) disappointed, but I won’t move my boundaries where that’s concerned. The sex was amazing, but I’m glad I found out that we aren’t that compatible in that area before I got into a difficult position (literally 😂)

@Stuckinarut79 I'd say be ready to be messed around. Sorry but it's the first thing that sprang to my mind when I read that. Who knows why but I'd be suspicious of what the 'issues' are

Mylifestarts- good on you! He’s literally a pain in the butt for insisting

Thank you everyone that responded — I don’t know whether it’s intuition or insecurity, but the lack of touch bugs me. Especially since I found out he’s Scorpio and they are apparently ruled by thier genitals!

Oh not caught up at all but having effectively friend zoned me RealLife mr football has popped up and we're sending each other sweary voice messages. Promising.

Seriously guys!!!! Sex hormones question! Terrified here, having sex with new man after 4 year gap, normal nerves and body confidence issues and now this new hormonal threat? HELP!!!!

I had sex for the first time in 5 years the other week and I was fine but in fairness I wasn’t even a little invested emotionally it was all about the physical!!

uttersocks I think this post-sex hormone thing is not something that affects everyone, I really wouldn't worry about it. I feel pretty chuffed after sex and very relaxed, that's about it really. I'm post-menopause though. I couldn't tell you what I was like pre-menopause as I very rarely had sex!

Seriously, try to think of your being petrified just as being excited. Get some new underwear, have a shower and a shave/wax, lots of perfume and oils, a relaxing drink, soft music, a nice warm over-excited man... what's not to be ecstatic about?