Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Mylifestartstoday

Your choice. He’s a Twat

@Mylifestartstoday no your not abnormal at all. There’s a range of views on it for men and women ranging from hate / never would to best thing ever. And if your views don’t align you always go with the no person.

Yeah you're all right and you all know I know. I messaged to offer a lift this morning as now I feel it's in my hands IYSWIM. I'm going and he can tag along if he likes. Ffs. I know where I stand anyway. Actually he did this to a lesser extent when we were having coffee together. We were in the habit most days then one day he wouldn't even look at me and ignored me. I've sort of over looked it. Ok so it's a pattern. He's got issues. We got a bit close and he's stepped back.

@Mylifestartstoday he wasn't listening to you. Any sexual refusal should be listened to and respected. Imagine if you'd got as far as the bedroom. Men are now totally obsessed by anal due to porn and it's totally not for everyone. (I quite like it but wouldn't agree to it with everyone. )

Thanks to pps for comments re Mr Petrol and his "feedback" I can't tag properly on my phone.

I am ok about it, I didn't have expectations of it being anything other than sex. I can't pretend I'm not feeling a bit flat at the moment, not because it ended up being a ONS but because he was so scathing in the way he spoke to me the next day. Said he didn't want it to sound like a character assassination but it was pretty brutal!

I know deep down it says much more about him than it does about me, and if his point was valid I'd have taken it on board but it really felt like I just wasn't adoring enough for him and he decided to make me feel a bit crap. So glad I deleted everything quickly so no chance of messaging again.

@unambiguousbeard. We have been in the bedroom, that’s what worries me. Luckily last night the request was via phone. He’s now messaging, backtracking, saying he loves it but respects my decision. But I know he doesn’t, I know it’s something he wants and I’ll never want. So, another one bites the dust!

I fear you got a real misogynist there pomegranate, there was no way you could have known until he showed his true colours. It’s all about him and nothing about you, i would be pretty angry in your shoes but in the end all you can do is rise above it like the queen that you are. Onwards and upwards.

disastrouswoomawang fantastic update. Was the user name ExtremelyShortNotice already taken? 😂

Sorry @pomegranatefizz I missed your update in my own tizz. He's clearly a nasty piece of work. Of course you're feeling flat. I'd be feeling a lot worse, devastated probably.,Someone's just really gone for you. He's a shit.

@pomegranatefizz I’m not surprised your feeling a bit flat, post sex hormones are tough in any situation but unkindness and character assassinations are of course going to make it worse, it’s ok to feel rubbish but as you know it says nothing about you it’s all his stuff.
@Mylifestartstoday he might be back tracking but it will come up again, if he’s pressuring you in the phone he absolutely will at some point in real life he’s showing you his wants/needs are more important than yours and he’s not respecting your wishes.

@unambiguousbeard ah that puts quite a different slant on things, if he’s got a history of blowing hot and cold, pulling back, you really don’t want to go there, sorry.

@pomegranatefizz yes...at which point during the 3 sex sessions was he feeling unappreciated and unheard. Poor him. The heart breaks. It's amazing he could perform under such conditions. Itll feel a bit shit with the hormones but you'll recognise him for what he is. Entitled and comically audacious

@pomegranatefizz So sorry things didn't work out for you and horrible way for him to end things but sounds like you are accepting it and moving on so. Good Luck!
@Mylifestartstoday I don't understand what it is with guys and anal. I've been asked more than once about it - but luckily when I've said no the guys in question have just said thats ok and wouldn't do it if i wasn't into it - don't feel pressured into something that doesn't appeal to you.
So Update after my date with Mr Muddy last night. All went well - we chatted very well and had a nice meal then at the car we did start kissing which was pretty full on for a first date but I had expected that due to the suggestive messaging that had been going on. Have to echo @stuckinarut on kissing, while Mr Muddy was ok I'm not sure i really like his style of kissing, its difficult to put a finger on what didn't work for me. Anyway on the way home i was reflecting what I thought and a song came on the radio that reminded me of a guy I dated for a while last year (who i really liked and he ended it) anyway i ended up in tears as it reminded me how excited i had felt after kissing him! Now in total turmoil what to do about Mr Muddy. Also I still quite like Mr Mobile so hope I can chat to him again today. Mr Computer didn't message at all yesterday and I've decided I'm going to leave the ball in his court and see if he chases. Mr Mask's chat kind of drifted off and he admitted that he only went on Bumble out of boredom so that one ends there. So my 4 "irons" has dwindled to 2 - and i can't seem to stop thinking about the 1 guy who doesn't want me.... aarrgh! (I can't remember what I called him on the thread but will name him Mr Scot here) Why do I always fall for the ones who don't want me!!!

Woke to a text from my iron. We chatted a bit. I'll be seeing him next week. Urgh so far away.

On the kissing I think it’s compatibility as well as someone being a good kisser or not. I didn’t kiss my ex h for many many years 🤷🏼‍♀️ Even when we were still having sex we never kissed. Now I could snog for hours 🤣🤣

My ex and I didnt really full on kiss. Current iron. Oh my. The kissing is amazing.

Mr Sparky is willing to compromise....he’s happy for me to “suck his balls dry, and swallow his sperm”. I’m either too old, too naive, too prudish....or he’s a bell end who watches too much porn. I don’t think I need a poll to determine which one!
To the men on here....be honest, is this normal talk for men? Or have I just been hit with the shitty stick of mankind?

I’m not sure if it’s normal but that does. It sound appealing at all. Mr G sends me sext type messages but I’d say they were more erotic and about mutual enjoyment (without going into the details). Or more about how he/we enjoyed things we’ve already done

@Mylifestartstoday _ Have you mentioned to Mr Sparky that you're not comfortable with his level of "sex talk" If you have he's being totally insensitive and deserves to be binned. Not all men are like this so there's absolutely no reason for you to put up with it.
I deffo need to find a good kisser - still think I'll give Mr Muddy another chance. he has messaged this morning and been quite cute so i don't think He's a dead end yet.

@Jane1978xx
@iamthrough.
He’s binned. I just haven’t got the patience/time/inclination to move this further. I’ve told him before it’s too much, but I get the gaslighting “you’re a prude, everyone does it, blah blah”. Well, I’m not everyone. I’m finding my boundaries after coming out of what I realise now was a controlling marriage

mylife sounds like too much Inbetweeners rather than porn. Is he a grown man??? 😂 definitely the bin is where he belongs

@TigerDater. That made me laugh. Unfortunately, yes, a grown man. He’s got teenage daughters, sure he’d be thrilled a man talking to them this way

You're not a prude @Mylifestartstoday you just don't want to be pushed in a direction you don't wantbto go in

@TigerDater I think I'm fed up with Extremely Short Notice at this point. I've had an email from a dress shop today that includes the phrase 'due to time scales'. Clearly this is an industry that encourages long engagements. I don't want a long engagement though. If I'm going to do it, I'm doing it in a timely manner. Otherwise it's the short of thing that could be put off indefinitely. Especially with children and jobs and otherwise busy lives.

@Mylifestartstoday binning is the only reasonable course of action there.

On kissing: I think it's really important. But it might not always be perfect from the start. It might be that you need a few goes to get used to each other. So it is probably worth giving it another go.

So I gave mr RealLife a lift and I think I've got my head round it all but am going to offload here as I need to work it out a bit.

He definitely just sees me as a friend. Which is fine I need more friends and we really get on. But where I gauge whether most men I meet are potential shag fodder I don't think he does. I don't think his head is there. His ex finished with him a few years ago but it turns out he was working away the whole time til recently and so it was only a few months ago that it hit him. I think hes only just coming to terms with it but still has a way to go. There's a lot of musing about "relationships". He assumed it was for life. So I think he's still bruised. He's had a massive depression which he's come out of in the last 3-4 months.

So he won't be focussing on messsging mevetc. Also I think that those of us (ie all of us here ) who have done OLD see messaging in quite a different way. We expect a certain amount as its part of building up to a date and is the start of making a connection. I think for people who don't do it messaging doesn't have the same signalling.

Anyway he definitely sees me just as a friend. He may well fancy me which would explain the body language etc
So I guess over the next while either I'll stop fancying him or he'll start fancying me. Either outcome is fine tbh. I've got a new person in my life who I really get on with.

Oh also I made a couple of comments about sex and he slightly froze. Didn't know how to respond. They weren't referring to either of us but he was really uncomfortable. So I'm pretty sure he's not had any for a while, or he fancies me but Is really awkward. They weren't flirtatious they were just comments about it as something we all do. Anyway he's very intense. Don't think he's someone who would have sex and see where it led. Unlike me.

@DisasterousManagementPlan - I think that goes for everything. It's never going to be perfect from the very start, but you can always communicate about what you like and don't like. If it doesn't improve, I think that's when to give up.

@Mylifestartstoday. Not everybody does and even if they did you don’t want to. Imagine if this man goes after a less string minded woman.

New here , been lurking for a few days
Recently started dating 2 years after my divorce. OLD has been a zoo but I’ve got two fairly decent irons ( that’s what you call them here ?). Mr Smart I’ve now been on 3 dates with since we first met online 20 days ago. He seems nice no big flashing red flags .. BUT.. he hasn’t touched me once. Date 2 & 3 left me thinking - is he not attracted to me. He texted right after hoping I got home safe and saying he was looking forward to date 4. But how is it that apart from a peck to say goodbye he has made no moves ? He also texts sporadically so maybe every 2 days- usually to arrange/ reconfirm a date. I was married for 25 years so I don’t know if this is ‘ normal’? I like him obviously - he seems like a real gentleman but I think my insecurity stems from the fact that I approached him so I’m thinking he’s just going along with it ..