Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

We can just agree to disagree on this.

I am sensitive to what I feel is the negativity (although accept I may be alone in this) and questioning peoples decisions as I had enough of that with abusive ex where I felt like I was incapable of making any of my own decisions, trusting my own judgement etc. I know my own mind, and although I like to talk things through perhaps this just is not the right environment for me and doesn’t suit me. I have RL friends who I trust to be honest with me with their opinions and I just struggle with the fact it can’t work that way on a forum - we just don’t know each other well enough so everything is with a pinch of salt and I think either positively or negatively shouldn’t be so serious OR blasé. But the valance is off for me at least

*balance

I'm glad he's a good dad @KermitRulesOk interesting how people behave differently with different people. Does it impact how your son views you living with his dad? The way he looks at you sounds very chilling.

I do think we should teach our children what marriage really means. It's a financial contract at the end of the day, even if you enter into it because of love as most people do. I didn't consider that at all when I got married. And was very naive in terms of what it would mean on divorce.

I'm not anti marriage at all. It's just not for me because of the financial implications. If I considered we had equal to gain/lose on divorce I might feel differently. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If my bf threatened to beat up anyone he'd be gone! In what way is using violence on an abuser (or anyone) justifiable?

Being hot headed is a serious red flag, irrespective of who the abuse is aimed at. It's not ok to attack anyone.

I'm almost 6 months with my bf and love him to pieces, but the thought of marrying him. Wtaf? No way. You are still in the honeymoon phase, no wonder you are all loved up Kermit.

I also don't understand the rush either.

@Windmillwhirl I appreciate your views however I'm in control of my life and the direction it's going. I posted to answer questions asked not to be judged. I think MrM was quite restrained up until Sunday. His desire to protect me is actually one of the things on my list and it's nice that he actually wants to protect me.

Hi everyone, is it ok if I join in? I’ve been reading for a few weeks but only just properly started trying the apps again.

Had an on/off thing with an ex for a few months, now that’s completely finished I’m hoping to find something more serious. Been talking to someone for the last week who seems nice, I’ll call him Mr Bee. My problem is I usually end up feeling like I can’t be bothered with a lot of people so he’s the only one I’m really talking to at the moment. I know that probably leads me to getting over invested in one person but I just feel like if I’m leaning towards one person I lose interest in anyone else. Is this the wrong way to approach it? Does everyone usually talk to a few people at once?

He also lives about a 45minute drive for me, I’m worried this might not be sustainable long term? Not met him yet so I’m worrying about nothing for now, but I think we’re planning to meet up soonish so that’s been on my mind.

@KermitRulesOk lovely update.

There is a small but vocal minority on here who always jump on anyone who meets someone and finds it easy and is happy. Happens frequently. Remember Yorkshire mum and Mr cactus?

I assume that's a dig at me @unambiguousbeard? I had a strong visceral reaction to SBD's story. I saw a young woman who had escaped an abusive relationship, was adjusting to a huge hangs in her appearance after a gastric bypass and who has seemed to have low self esteem, jumping into something without checking her own boundaries and involving a young son who was only weeks into his parent's separation. Perhaps as some of the abuse she suffered was so close to mine. We IMd a fair bit and she was grateful for my genuine concern. It actually frightened me how strong my gut reaction was for her. And I was delighted to hear all was going well when she reposted recently.

I'm going to unfollow this thread now. So without flouncing too badly I wish you all well. I'm not actively dating so it's probably not the thread for me anymore.

Thank you @unambiguousbeard it has been extremely easy and has flowed very naturally - you've all read my updates and he really is as lovely as he sounds. I've met a good one which is what I hope happens for everyone on this thread - at the end of the day this is what we're here for

Hmmm so that's bye bye to Mr Petrol after last nights sex. We messaged this morning and I could tell he was a bit off so just asked him what he was thinking and said to be honest as we're both adults.

He said that the sex was great, he found me very attractive but then broke down into fairly in-depth detail something which he described as a "minor flaw in interpersonal skills" He said I was too chatty and he didn't feel like I was interested in what he said. He did then try and soften the blow by saying don't take it personally, most women do talk to much! I was very tempted to ask at which point of the three sex sessions he realised this but I've just said no problem let's chalk it up to experience and have now unmatched and deleted his messages and number.

I can't pretend I wasn't a bit taken aback but ultimately I wasn't expecting anything else from the evening anyway so really will just chalk it up to experience - and will probably be a little less gung-ho about my next date!

I’m fairly new to this thread, but in the few months I’ve been here it seems these issues come up and offence is caused and someone leaves/thinks of leaving. @Notcoolmum I’d be sad to see you go, I for one and I know I’m not alone appreciate the diversity of opinion on here, it really helps to see things from different angles and hear thoughts, if all we hear is what we want to hear there’s no room for advice, I think on the whole hard truths and opinions are given gently and from a supportive place. I was given a bit of advice here (I thought it was you @notcoolmum but I checked back and it wasn’t, but still sounds like something you would say), I took it on board, screenshot it and took it to my councillor to discuss, this for me was so helpful as it helped me see things from different angles, it’s too easy to get swept up in emotions, and conversely very easy to become cynical and jaded which is why I think both points should be heard so a balance is there, everybody is responsible for their own choices, but I make the best choices when I’ve weighed things up from a few angles.
There is also much we do agree on!

To change the subject completely, I would like to talk about kissing! Kissing Mr scenery is like nothing I’ve experienced before, I’ve kissed quite a few men over my life not dozens but quite a few, granted only 4 in the last 15 years!! But I’ve never been kissed like this before, I was trying to think of a word to describe it and I don’t think there is one, it’s sexy, tender, passionate, adoring, lustful, all at the same time. My question is, is this rare? I’m still figuring out what I want, and if mr scenery meets those needs and I’m trying to not let the kissing cloud that, though my mind is beginning to wander into he may not be for me long term but could I settle for right for right now if I can keep kissing him!

Not a dig @Notcoolmum just an observation. For what is supposed to be a non judgemental and supportive thread there is frequently a lot of judgeiness and it's usually about the same thing.

As I frequently say, we're all different, what works for one may not work for another. I definitely wouldn't be considering marriage after a few months (or ever) or going on a family holiday or many of the other things people do in relationships. But I have a different history to others and different preferences and different boundaries. Horses for courses.

And I'm delighted when someone finds what they want, whether that be marriage and babies or just a FWB. I don't think pointing out all the things that could go wrong is helpful. Unless they do.

Re kissing. It's one of my favourite bits of intimacy. There aren't that many out there who are good at it though... the sex will be awesome @Stuckinarut79

Kissing is definitely one of my favourite things with a guy. A really good kiss will be a mixture of passion and tenderness. Mr Cocky is an amazing kisser. I have told he 'kisses me like he means it '. On the flipside I have been completely put off by guys who can't kiss as for me it's such an integral part of being intimate and creating desire with someone.

@pomegranatefizz, frustrating and not the outcome that you might have hoped for. You sound philosophical about it which is the best way to be. For me in these scenarios it's not about the guy specifically but more about how many times I have to bounce back and start again. But it's the only option. On balance the good times have definitely outweighed the less so.

@Notcoolmum I would prefer it if you didn't leave. You have given me good advice ( along with many others who have) and helped me see things clearly. It's not what I want to hear, but certainly what I needed to hear, so I thank you for that.

Kermit - sounds good...sometimes you do meet people you just 'know', I do believe that, and life is short so just do what makes you happy!

Pomegranate- that's a shame, are you okay with it?

Stuck - that is rare, if you have that chemistry just go with it! I very rarely feel that with anyone. Would love to mind!

@NotarealAvery 45 minutes isn't much really, and if you like him I wouldn't worry about not chatting to other irons!

@bangheadhere40, did you and Mr Dumfries just literally stop messaging? I know you've moved on with a couple of potential irons/dates so don't want to drag you back but I wondered if I had missed how it was left ?

It's been over a week since me and my iron hung out. We have spoken but not much. I cant tell him hes pulling away or if it's just him. I get that hes working when I'm not so our schedules arent a great fit but there is just something about him. I'm trying not to be too intense and needy hence why I'm on here instead of texting him urgh. How do you know when someone does like you.

@Dazedandconfused10, my experience of when a guy is into you is that there is frequent contact and a developing conversation about you, your life but most importantly a discussion about how and when you can next meet. If someone is serious about dating ( and interested in you ) they will keep communication open. But people do operate in different ways. My iron Mr Photography and I leave a gap between messages but he's in the FWB zone. If we were pursuing a relationship I would want daily contact. But I am needy 😁

One small step - yep! I could tell his effort was dwindling and he was losing interest / not initiating meets, so I just left it. If he was interested he would have been in touch, but what I thought was correct.

True, I'm ok with not talking every day and I know we cant plan ahead when we will meet due to his shifts. Humm maybe this thing is going to to fizzle out. Which is fine! But I'd like to know. I'm not talking anyone else because I dont particularly want to if we are going to see how things progress. Probably a conversation to have next time I see him.

He's been straight back on POF too 😐 I have learnt on this thread not to chase, it just doesn't work. If someone is interested you will not question it.

@Stuckinarut79 I love kissing, and men who are brilliant kissers are few and far between!

@KermitRulesOk such a lovely update - sometimes it just feels right !