Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@tomatoesomtoast definitely send sorry I'm not going to meet you again as I feel we are unsuitable. Wish him well then delete if he keeps messaging block.

tomatoesontoast please don't meet him again. This was him on his best behaviour, it's not going to improve.
Pomegranate delighted to hear it went so well.

@tomatoesomtoast I agree with notcool above - just message and say you've reconsidered and don't want to meet again - then block his number. Whatever the explanation for his behaviour he made you feel very uncomfortable so you shouldn't consider seeing him again.
@ALittleBitConfused1 I lasted about 8 hours on POF - hated it! Having more luck on Tinder/Bumble currently but also tried Badoo for a change and that was ok.
I spent most of last evening chatting to all 4 of the possible irons I've mentioned. Mr Muddy and I confirmed details for date tonight he's very cheeky and flirty I just hope we click as I think Fireworks would fly similar to @pomegranatefizz had on your date!
Really not sure about Mr Mask he seems just bored so not sure he's really that bothered. Mr Mobile was witty and made me smile and hinted at arranging a date but no specifics. Mr computer was also a bit dull - but I was also busy doing other things (as well as texting the others!!) so I'm not judging him for that. So I still have 4 potentials. Will see how I feel later after date with Mr Muddy. Also transferred to WA with Mr Muddy.

Thanks guys. Now I've just got to get through today, I thought I'd be absolutely fine but the post sex hormones have hit me really hard this morning!

@dancemom made me think of Horse Girl! It might be a bit of banter and reflective thought. See how you get on on another date?

@pomegranatefizz those pesky hormones. I like to think I'd take longer to sleep with someone I really liked. Just because of my reaction to the hormones. Have you heard from him? (Definitely not judging).

@KermitRulesOK genuine question as I'm sure you know I struggle to understand these very very quick romances. Like a PP a proposal so soon would utterly freak me out. I've had one failed marriage. One long term relationship failure since then, and a couple of shorter relationships that didn't work. How can you be so sure? What makes it feel so different? Are you concerned about taking a risk that doesn't just involve you but also your children?

@Notcoolmum @KermitRulesOk I try and stay away from wading in on people's happiness with my size 6's but I have to agree. I am really, really glad you are happy but do wonder why the rush to do everything so quickly? If you are both blissfully happy then you will still be in another 12 months, by which time you will know each other better to know if you want to take such a drastic step as marriage.

I have been with Mr Ad for 7 months and I love him to bits but no way do we know each other long enough or well enough to be thinking about marriage, or even moving in together.

@Notcoolmum so you raise some valid points and I'll try to address them. Yes, things are going quite quickly however bit MrM and I are on the same page and the same line. Every time I see him I fall in love all over again and believe he's my soulmate.

Over the past 5 months we have spoken about absolutely everything and nothing is off limits, our communication skills and level is nothing I've ever experienced before. I've been married twice before but my relationships were military ones which changes the rules slightly - I was very young and silly. I've actually only had 2 long term relationships in my life and I've married both of them.

What makes this different? I've no idea other than I just know - if you saw the love between us and the chemistry that we share then I'm sure you'd see why it's different. My gut and heart are both saying the same thing and zero red/amber flags have been raised and believe me I've scrutinised every tiny bit of our relationship and nothing has alerted me. He feels the same about me.

Also to be honest I work in a trade which sees death every day and it's made me live my life as if today is my last - if it all goes tits up then I'll shrug my shoulders and carry on. Am I worried about my children? Of course, only one of them live with me and she's young enough to bounce back and I believe kids should be subjected to stuff in life as it's my job to prepare them for life and this involves disappointments. MrM and I built up such a strong foundation through written messages, voice messages, phone calls and meetings that we feel we've known each other for a lot longer. I've met his entire family and friends and feel very comfortable with them.

I knew on our first date that I'd met someone special and my feelings grew from there - so long and short of it is - I've no idea how it's going to go but I know that when I look at him then the world stops and nothing else matters. Hope this answers your questions. I'm the least soppy, romantic person but he brings the very best out in me

@kermitrulesok hope you don't mind me asking. Why do military relationships change the rules slightly? What's different between a relationship with someone in the military and a civilian?

@Dancerinthemoonlight I was going to ask you about Mr Army as I've spent 23 years in the army system - I'm at work at the moment so will PM you if that's ok

Thanks for answering so openly @KermitRulesOk I'm aware I come across as pissing on people's parade a lot on this thread. I'm often surprised by how people with children rush into things without first getting their own house in order. And I have been guilty of it myself I know.

I can't imagine feeling how you describe. My last king relationship was a long time ago when my kids were small. He was involved with the children who adored him and I didn't for a second think he was capable of doing something as awful as he did. Which meant he simply vanished from our lives. I'd assumed we'd stay friends and I could phase him out when we broke up.

Then I met Mr S and broke by own rules as I was so sure we had a long and happy future together. He dumped me and whilst my kids were older it affected my son more than I'd expected as he'd liked him and I think imagined what we'd be like as a family.

So I'm very cautious. I do wish you luck, of course. But my comment from a few threads back still stands. If things are so good they will still be this good in a years time. So I don't understand the rush.

@KermitRulesOk that's fine

@Notcoolmum I think the fact that we've set very strict boundaries with each and know each other's limits. I seriously love the very bones of him. I never thought I would meet anyone like him - he ticks all my (many) boxes. After MrT I set my bar extremely high and I vowed to myself I would never ignore any warning signs ever again. The list I made whilst getting over MrT was extensive hence why I thought I'd never find anyone who would not only meet my expectations but surpass them. My children have seen me happy which in turn have made them happy and that's enough for me. Tomorrow is promised to no one so I grab each opportunity with both hands. I've found a keeper in MrM but I seriously understand your concerns and I've thought about all of them myself.

You come across as so thoughtful and measured kermit, it sounds amazing. And your comment about life being short and tomorrow promised to no one also resonates. I think my sticking point in this scenario would be finances. I will never marry again because I value my complete financial independence more than anything (spot the burned fingers!). In every other way, including DC, I can see where you are coming from, and my goodness I wish you every happiness.

@kermitrulesok would you not count wanting to beat your ex up as a red flag? I've lived around violent and angry men long enough for this to have put me off.

@Peanutbuttermouth - no, I'll tell you why. My ex has been verbally abusing me for 13 months since we split and I'd finally had enough of it and turns out that so had MrM. He watched how my ex was screaming 'cunt' in my face and it was a reaction to him seeing something he loves being hurt. We've spoken extensively about it and we moved through it like adults. My ex is a very angry and bitter man who treated me terribly for years and he still doesn't believe the audacity of me leaving him. He hates seeing me happy and yes I hate him - I've fantasied about beating him up myself! However his punishment is seeing me happy and settled with a man that loves me and will never try to change me.

I realise I sound like a love sick teenager and it's quite frankly vomit inducing however this is how I feel and life is as good as it gets for me. Everything is right with my world

@KermitRulesOk I don't think it's vomit inducing and I don't begrudge anyone happiness we all deserve that. I'm really happy you've found someone you feel that way about. I don't ever expect to love someone in the way you describe.

I still struggle to understand the way a number of people have rushed at things on the thread. I'm not doubting the feelings. I just don't understand jumping in with two feet when we have experienced broken relationships/failed marriages and our children to consider.

Your ex sounds very scary. Is your son safe in his care? How old is he?

Ok what Mr M said about your ex, I think for me the sentiment would be ok. But not if I thought he might genuinely act on it. Your ex won't ever go away. Especially not as he had custody of your son. So a way to manage relationships has to be found.

I'm the same @tigerdater marriage is less about love and more of a legal contract binding together your finances. I don't have much but I will protect my pension at all cost.

There is always a risk of getting hurt or things going wrong, but we are adults. And life IS short. I don’t want to spend it fearing the worst of everyone I want to enjoy my life and feel fulfilled and take risks and make mistakes. I also want to protect the DC. They are not mutually exclusive, you can try for a middle ground.

I do trust myself to make better decisions now than I did in the past. I’m older and more educated. I have appreciated some of the advice and concerns and I always listen and try to take it on board rationally and calmly and consider all options and give advice on my own experiences and sometimes offload my thoughts and feelings here for an objective opinion on them. I personally have no intensely negative feelings about marriage, I’ve never been married and would very much like to one day to be honest. And I’m not sorry for that or want to be made to feel irresponsible for feeling that way!

I feel like there is a heavy negative cloud here that is making me not want to post anything anymore about myself, either negative, positive and personal. I don’t want to put anyone down, or make them feel bad at all but there needs to be a balance between concerns and projecting your own feelings on to other people’s situations or decisions. We are not responsible for other people’s children’s welfare - only our own

@Menora i think there is a lot of experience on this thread though, people who have been through similar things themselves and have advice to give. Personally I haven't been through the meeting the kids thing but it's something I feel strongly about ie not letting my kids meet anyone for a very long time. I haven't been cheated on, or ghosted, or experienced a lot of the very bad experiences people have felt through their online dating I do think many are well meaning.

There will be posters who cheer you on for your actions and others who question them but that's the nature of an open forum. I don't think anyone specifically wants to be negative towards you.

@KermitRulesOk you seem to have thought about any issues anyway plus your family and kids have met your partner now so clearly you know he is the one. My ex was in the military and also had that side where he would think its ok to fight someone. It's definitely no longer for me but you are in that world and perhaps that's normal for you. Hope it all works out for you.

Oh menora please don’t go! There’s always been a range of views and feelings expressed here, I for one don’t sense a negative cloud and I’m really sorry if you do. Love, I Hope, is the aim of all of us, but how that pans out in terms of the effect on our lives will be different for all of us. What feels right for one person may be anathema to someone else.

Also: kermit I think Mr M would have to be made of stone not to react with shock and anger at how your ex was/is treating you. I quite likely would have said the same as him and I don’t even know you!

That's funny @menora as I feel the tone of the thread has changed significantly over the last 2 years I've been on it. And there is more cheerleading and less advising caution. I have always considered the strength of the thread having a wide range of experience and opinions. If we only hear what we want to hear is there any value to the thread at all?

I've posted on here when I had doubts about Mr S and I got some very no nonsense advice that I didn't want to hear. But it was helpful as it helped me not brush my concerns under the carpet.

I'm well aware I'm perceived as being more negative and cynical. I like to think I'm realistic and sharing my experiences!! Perhaps I'm just very unlucky and have had more than most...

My main advice would be to listen to your gut. Make sure you are being treated as you deserve. Don't accept flakey behaviour and emotional unavailability. And of course consider how to protect your children from the impact of a potential relationship breakdown. Especially if they are still coming to terms with the breakdown of their parents marriage/relationship.

We are all different.

The phrase cheerleading winds me up massively. Being positive or supportive doesn’t have to be that you are cheerleading someone. Accepting they are an adult and making adult decisions with their own children isn’t cheerleading. Accepting that not everyone is afraid of marriage isn’t cheerleading

@Notcoolmum yep, I realise ex isn't going away and yes I believe my DS is age around him as his anger/bitterness/hatred is aimed solely at me. Despite his horribleness he's actually a good father and it was my DS' choice to live with him. I've gone very low contact with ex and we communicate via email only. He seriously looks at me with murder in his eyes but I have everything to my marriage and was a good wife - I was the main breadwinner and was keeping everything together he didn't contribute anything practical to the marriage - I married him for financial protection really and our marriage was a mistake which I regret but there's nothing I can do about it. I certainly don't taint other relationships and measure them by the standards of my marriage.

I believe in marriage and when I take my vows next time it'll be for the right reasons - for love and protection