Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Tits to your stbxh @mylifestartstoday ! He's probably jealous and frustrated that you are clearly enjoying a new lease of life following your break up. Don't let what he thinks affect you anymore. He has no say in how you live your life. And his reactions say everything about him that we need to know. He's clearly trying to shift some of the guilt about his affair onto you. Don't let him.

Thanks @Spaceintime69 and @Notcoolmum
My iron had actually had a full sti check in January and got the all clear so that side is fine.

Re the contraception chat he actually offered to have a vasectomy which took me aback a bit.

I am a complete wuss with contraception- I don't like the pill and I'm scared of the coil. Do you think it's ok? I'm thinking it's probably the best option.

My iron has generally been ok on the whole. He apologised about me having to take the morning after pill, and has sent a couple of I love you texts, which mollified me a bit.

Yes I thought the pregnancy would be a really slim chance because of my age, plus morning after pill. But I'm convinced I can feel it.

I guess the big issue I was grappling with is that I felt angry with him because we'd had a risky situation before totally of his doing and I tried to talk to him sternly and say that was dangerous. But he went right back and did it again- and I went with it this time because I was enjoying myself. But really I should be angry with him but I haven't even told him off- but I should, I should be furious. But I just ended up reassuring him I love him.

I think I've got boundary issues that are way worse than I previously thought

You should certainly be able to express your emotions with him. Including anger @eyebrowsofinstagram loving someone doesn't mean accepting poor behaviour or lowering your boundaries/standards. Is it just this or are there other times when you have suppressed your feelings because you love him?

Yes a vasectomy sounds like a good option. Do you trust him to do it?

Hi all! Thought I'd update you all with my comings and goings. Although I'm not actually dating anymore I still like to catch up with the thread and see how you're all getting on.

MrM and I hit our first bump in the road after 5 months but have managed to talk our way through it and sort everything out - note to self, don't let exes interfere with current relationship! basically what happened was MrM got extremely fed up with the way ex-H talked to me and he witnessed it first hand and said he wanted to beat ex up. I didn't agree with this as he is still the father of my children - MrM agreed and apologised, we have made up and have said the best way to move forward is to live our best life and I have gone very low contact with ex.

Talking of ex - my decree absolute came through today so am not so young, free and not so single

All is good in my life and I really thank my lucky stars I've found a lovely guy to grow old with. I think a proposal won't be long!

So I returned tentatively to the OLD site after being ghosted by Miss Travel since last Friday and noticed she had looked at my profile in the last 24 hours - why would she do that? I find all this quite confusing...

Tits to your exH indeed @Mylifestartstoday he's jealous and it's none of his business.

Lovely update @KermitRulesOk

Aaargh I still have no idea if mr RealLife fancies me but I am very very keen. He has lots of female friends. How do I find out if he fancies me or we're just friends? I don't want to risk embarrassing myself as we're part of a group but honestly he's offering to go and come back to our hobby together. We were with each other the whole time. He goes away for a few months soon. Can I just suggest we go for a drink and a gossip about our friends before he goes? Is that too date like? I mean I do want him to know I fancy him but also not to risk our blossoming friendship. Ffs!

@Fender222 people are weird. That's why she'd do that.

@mylifestartstoday
Firstly what a vile thing to call anyone. You are well rid of that peach. He's jealous. Or frustrated he can't control you anymore. Or both.

@Mylifestartstoday as others have said i'm sure your Ex is just reacting to his own emotions. Just try to ignore and enjoy the time you're having now as your on name suggests live your own life!
@Fender222 she probably looked at you out of pure curiosity nothing more - I would probably block so she can't do it again. Have you been brave enough to make any new matches?
@eyebrowsofinstagram I can't remember how long you said you've been dating your new guy? Offering to have a vasectomy sounds a bit over the top to me and I'd be suspicious TBH. You say you should be angry with him but i would disagree with that - you both entered in to the un-protected sex, either of you could of stopped it. Not offering blame here - i said before lots of us have done it - just saying I don't see the reason to be angry with your partner. Hope you're worrying over nothing and all ends well.

With me Mr Mask and Mr computer have both been in touch during the afternoon - so I'm definitely juggling 4 potential irons now. I think I'm going to be texting a lot this evening!! @pomegranatefizz I don't know how long to carry on with multiple dating - in reality at the moment I only have 1 date booked so I'm possibly worrying over nothing as i'm only talking to the others. I guess everyone feels differently about this so i guess carry on multi-dating while you are comfortable - but it may be an idea to check the guys you are dating are not expecting you to be already exclusive as long as everyone knows the situation i can't see there being an issue at this stage after all the guys you are dating may well be dating others themselves?

I need a name change! I'm mostly just lurking at the moment, but it is pop up again I'll be a different person :)

@fender222 She may have been curious as to whether you were dating others especially if the site provides a last online function. She may have been comparing what you presented on the site with what she encountered in real life. She may be just as confused as you about how things are going, whether you are talking to others etc. and just checking your profile to revisit what your expectations /parameters for a relationship were/are. Clearly she is unsure about you. Paradoxically, suspicion about motives can be raised when someone appears 'too good' or 'too right'.

Online dating causes such insecurity - sometimes I think I was better off never reading this thread . Actually scratch that - I've not contributed much to the thread recently due to work but have read along, nodded in agreement at times, sighed at the difficulties encountered, but overall found it really thought provoking with the support and honesty that has been expressed. So thank you to everyone for contributing and enabling a greater understanding of each other 👍

@unambiguousbeard To me it sounds nailed on that he likes you. When I read your first comment about joining each other in your hobby, I was 'Yes!!! This is how it begins for real'.

@unambiguousbeard, do you know anything about his availability? Presumably you have established that he's single. If he's going away how would you view any potential liaison with him ? I think I would enjoy the ambiguity of it ( no pun intended ) and maybe enjoy the freedom to be a little flirtatious and see how he responds.

@KermitRulesOk - proposal on the cards after 5 months. That would properly freak me out!

@Fender222, I think most on here would say that you are doing the right thing by not messaging Miss Travel, even just to tell her that her actions have been rude and uncalled for. I think you can safely say that she has no intention of getting back in touch ( and even if she did what possible explanation could she offer ) so I would block her on the site and delete her number on your phone. Those of us with a few more battle scars from OLD will know that you just have to brush off her ignorance and resume your search for someone worthy of your time and attention.

@JaggySplinter if you've read my story, you'll see we're proper smitten and have a very rosy future together

@UncorrectedDoormat I always get you confused with @Undecidedsofa ! So mane change would be good. Used to do the same with @Notcoolmum and neverexpectedto but she disappeared.

@Onesmallstep67 oh yeah he's single. Came out of a ten year relationship a couple of years ago. He told me today he has lots of female friends though. I'd love a relationship with someone who was away a lot. I'm very independent and have two young children. I'm quite busy too. As is he.
It was like we were an item together. But he's very unflirty.
What do I do? I mean we've made plans to do our hobby together but that's not getting me anywhere! I just want to know!

On the subject of multi dating - this time last week I was chatting to 6 men and had dates arranged with 3 of them.
One unmatched me, one has asked to rearrange. I met one the other evening who didn't look like his photos.

The other three have just stopped messaging.

So now I'm back to zero irons and zero dates. Until I've met someone and decided if I want to see them again, I'll keep chatting and arranging dates. I assume my irons are doing the same.

Lovely update @KermitRulesOk

Thanks @iamthrough was beating myself up about it all.

I do have tendencies to be a total doormat- I thought that was all in my past, bit confused about everything right now.

We've been together about 5 months. I thought it was nice of him to suggest a vasectomy but don't think he was mega serious.

@unambiguousbeard that sounds a great situation and definitely worth giving it a good go. Could you try being really flirty? Then if that goes unnoticed just be direct and ask him for a drink? Definitely worth a try!

Also @iamthrough good luck with the 4 irons! Just enjoy the attention and hopefully it'll become clearer once you've met them all

We're at the stage of going for a drink @eyebrowsofinstagram it's sort of been mooted before. But a drink isn't a snog or hot sex is it? It's friendly

Hmm have you read or watched anything by Matthew Hussey? He has loads of tips of how to get out of the friend zone - it's things like casually touching his arm when you're talking, or flirtatiously hitting his chest if he makes a joke, or alluding to 'he's such a bloke/man' if he does something like order a steak etc.

Could be worth a look!

I've tried a few of the lines in the past and they totally work, as I was ending up on dates talking to the guys as if they were work colleagues and shied away from anything sexual or flirty.

Nerves are kicking in now...eek!

Right I've defo exhausted the supple of men on POF. No one is floating my boat. Whats everyone else on and how do they work?