Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

So I'm off to do my hobby with mr RealLife. He insisted I get up ridiculously early and get a lift with him. It's sounding like he's interested isn't it? He initiates messages. Although he could just be being friendly

*I'm not even sure I'll be able to feel love again, how does it even feel?

Yes this and I could have written everything else you said

I don't think I will ever trust anyone or my own judgement again. Or recover from the emotional damage. Am already looking to pick holes in things with MrBeard but I won't. He's a sexy, nice man who likes me and for now that is ok.

Have a first date with Mr Petrol tonight. I have butterflies, feeling excited as he seems lovely and we really get on but then also feel nervous as we've talked so much on messages it'll be a real disappointment if we don't click. Still I think even if the spark isn't there we'll enjoy meeting each other so I'm just looking at it as the chance to have a nice evening.

Fingers crossed!

Hi there, I've been off the thread for a while as been enjoying a wonderful relationship with Mr Smile who I met back in October. All has been going really well. I've been battling with my issues on a daily basis as a terrible marriage left lots of scars. But on the whole I was feeling in a really good place, like I was able to move past those problems.

But now I'm worried I'm pregnant and I'm feeling such an idiot. We had unprotected sex which was so stupid of me- but really irresponsible of him too. It all happened really quickly, we hadn't planned it. But it was totally stupid of me. But I'm really angry at him for not caring a bit more about me. None of my exes would have done that. I took the morning after pill 2 days later- which might have left it too long.

I won't find out for sure for 2 weeks until I take a test.

But I'm just feeling terrible that I met someone from the internet and had unprotected sex in my 40s. I would never have done that in my whole life. And I thought I'd made loads of progress and got my life back together, and I might have messed everything up.

@UtterSocks I say that as well ! I don’t trust anyone (maybe my dad and 2 close friends) and not even my own judgement.

fender good for you!: “I’m going to dip my toe back into OLD later this week. It’s Miss Travel’s loss and I deserve better.” This is so, so true.

Re feelings (love the analogy to children/cars by the way): I believe they are very different after a long, failed marriage where they were buried or trampled on for so long. Mine lack intensity and staying power now. However I find that the six weeks or so of counselling that I did last year really have helped, I think because we went back to childhood/teenage/early 20s. I’m more in touch with impetuosity and expressiveness (positive and negative) than I have been for more than thirty years. This is really helped by being with a man who is emotionally intelligent in a way I just never have been. Mr GN reads me like a blooming book! He’s also grown a beard in the last five days which literally has me swooning. Silver fox 😍 he can drink all my gin now, I don’t care!

I'm having doubts about my date on Friday for other reasons now - I'm not sure I fancy him! Don't know whether to go and see, or just to cancel!

pomegranate good luck tonight.

eyebrows oh my, of course you are feeling jangled up, the prospect of an accidental pregnancy is devastating at any age. You don’t know for sure though, cycles etc can be different in your 40s and I think the morning after pill is effective within 72 hours, so three days. Can you do one of those really early tests?

Good luck pomegranate it was like that with my now bf. We clicked amazingly and were both afraid it would not match up in real life. Thankfully it did and we are almost 6 months together now. I was so nervous to meet him though, but so glad I did Enjoy!!

eyebrows two weeks is a long time to wait. Is that when the first day of your period is due? As Tiger said, maybe see if you can do an earlier test. Mind yourself.

@bangheadhere40 go and see. I can’t fancy people off pictures and chat. I can know I like Someone but I need to meet them to work out if physical attraction or not

Thanks @Windmillwhirl and @TigerDater I'll get some from amazon and do an early one if I can. I track my cycle on my Fitbit and it was my ovulation day which is I think I went so crazy and wanted to have sex even though I know it was stupid.

Yes the morning after pill works for 3 days but is only 84% effective and I was literally bang on my most fertile period. Any way I'll know for sure soon enough.

Mr smile lives 60 miles away and I'm not seeing him until next week- so getting all pissed off about it now.

He just sent me a selfie where he was trying to smile but he looked all caught out and guilty in his eyes.

Huh men!!!!! Meeting one doesn't make your life easier!!!

@eyebrowsofinstagram I was just going to ask if you cycle track. Where in your forties are you? You know it's very very very unlikely you'll get pg at that age. People do but it's harder than we think.

@eyebrowsofinstagram I totally sympathise with you - but you wont be the only one on here that had unprotected sex in the heat of the moment. I'm in my 40's too and a few months ago my period was late and I started to panic, I had had protected sex - but nothing can be 100% can it? Anyway I totally freaked out thinking i was pregnant - did 2 tests which were negative still no period. In the end I was 15 days late. I spoke to my GP about it and she just said at our age its very common to miss a period or it be late. she also said my stress about the whole thing may have in itself made me later. deffo get an early indicator test for your own peace of mind fingers crossed all will be well for you.

I'm starting to feel quite uncomfortable speaking to multiple men. I'm now speaking to 4. i stopped swiping at the weekend but 2 new matches have appeared from earlier swipes..
Have a date Thurs with Mr Muddy. Last night Mr Computer asked if I was free Thursday and i just had to say I was out with a friend . Then I have Mr Mobile, and just started speaking to Mr Mask. Certainly the first 3 are all "potentials" no idea about Mr Mask yet. I wont be able to meet any of them for another week so i'm going to have to keep this up for a little while longer. Normally by this time I've naturally leant more towards one person as we clicked more - but this is the first time I've ended up speaking to several properly i really think any of these could lead somewhere but wont know until I meet... any tips guys??

@iamthrough, I think you just have to proceed with each chat and see what happens. Some will naturally fall by the wayside, others will say something and you won't want to pursue anything. The real test is how it feels when you meet in person, only then will you start to weed out. I have stopped going on Tinder because I have several irons and until such time as I have met them ( and vice versa) it's difficult to know. But you do have to have a limit because it's all too easy to accumulate endless possibles and in the end it gets confusing.

ismthrough keep a spreadsheet? This stage is exhausting and time-consuming

Ah eyebrows don't beat yourself up. I've done some very stupid things where sex and alcohol are concerned. And not always with people I've known for months. Things I'd be furious about if my 18 year old did. And I am more ham old enough to know better. You took the MAP and you are over 40. Chances are very slim and there are still options even if the very small chance happens.

When you say your iron isn't concerned. How has he been? . As you've been seeing each other months it seems like the right time to have a conversation about contraception and sti tests.

@eyebrowsofinstagram I hope things work their way round and you are not pregnant. I was at the sexual health clinic before Christmas as I was concerned not for pregnancy (I had a coil fitted) but that I’d had unprotected sex with an online man who claimed he was exclusive but was clearly sleeping with others. There was, sometime ago a lady on this thread who contracted HIV from an online dating situation. I horrified myself and although am clear thought how careless I had been of myself and how liberal he had been also. Not worth it.

@TigerDater that really made me laugh I work with reports so am a bit of a spreadsheet geek! Don't think I'll be taking this analytical approach to dating though as would much rather trust my gut!
No reply yet from Mr Mask so i may already be reduced to 3 guys anyway. Getting nervous about meeting Mr Muddy tomorrow, he's been funny and suggestive so far so hope he's not expecting too much!

@iamthrough I know what you mean! I've been chatting to 4 this week too but have told one it's not right for me, another one has some stuff going on that means it's unlikely we'll see each other again so I'm down to 2. Met one on Sunday and got on really well, seeing him again Friday. Have a date with the other one tonight...I really like them both! Wondering at what point it becomes unacceptable to see both of them if it doesn't come to a natural end with one of them?

I'm 5 months out of my marriage, early 30s and loving dating and have made it clear to those involved I'm not looking to settle down but interesting, respectful fun. They're both nice in different ways and multiple irons has stopped me feeling over invested in any of them. Is it OK to just carry on until the exclusive chat comes up if it ever does?

I’m glad I made you laugh but I was semi-serious actually, you can always have a column for ‘gutfeel’ score (where the values change every hour or so 😂). Given the time-consuming nature of pre-meet messaging I also kept a column for time-to-meet, my record being 45 minutes from match to first meet (total disaster but funny story). Mr GN was 3rd out of 14 first dates on that score, at 24 hours.

Wow Tiger that's impressive. First dates were always stressful for me so I really had to be sure we'd possibly get on before I met.

I started chatting to one guy before I went on holiday and he was lovely. It was a holiday on my own (first one ever!) and he kept me company with lovely and funny tects. When we did meet I was disappointed as he looked nothing like his pic and the banter did not flow as well as I'd hoped. I suppose that's why I was a bag of nerves with the next one (current bf). He admitted bro me when we did meet that he was worried it wouldn't happen as I had dragged my heels (a tiny bit).

I wish I'd been able to approach it more like you Tiger as it saves a lot of over-investment.

texts

My stbxh (who had a 9 month affair), and has been gone another 9 months has basically called me a slag for “going out with multiple men”. It’s made me feel shit, even though I’m not doing anything wrong, and I’ve only dated 2 men in those 9 months. I know a few of us are going through divorce, it’s really affected me.
Mr Sparky is seriously sexy, we’ve met a few times and we message loads every day, occasionally phone chat. I don’t want to sabotage it, but my ex has really gotten to me