Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Yep we've all been there @TigerDater, know I have and it took a lot of people pointing out the obvious and a fair bit of time before I saw the whole picture for what it was. At the time I felt a fool but now I think, fuck that, I'm awesome, his loss.

I've been busy with new irons this evening..Mr Maths not been back, but I did think he was too tall!

Two new irons...Mr Wall and Mr Law, very different.

Mr Law has asked to meet for a coffee this weekend which will be nice if it goes ahead.

Mr Wall seems new and a little shy, but he is local and handsome so I might ask him out.

Been on a date this evening. Genuinely nice bloke. We had a drink and a chat for about an hour.
But, usual story, he didn't look like his photo.
He was slightly shorter than me. And had a massive beer gut and a few double chins.
Beer guts are a definite no go for me. Reminds me too much of my ex husband.

So I need to let him down nicely. How can I say "I enjoyed meeting you but you're not my type". Which I know sounds really shallow.

I would just I really enjoyed our evening but I dont think the chemistry is there. However in my experience most of the time it's obvious so maybe he wont ask.

@echo...lovely meeting you but I'm not 100% sure it's a match so it's probably best to leave it here . Good luck.

ALittleBitConfused1 we had a good laugh about dating and life. I found him really easy to get on with. And would be happy if he was a friend.
But I couldn't kiss him. Fortunately he didn't try when we said goodbye. So I'm not sure if he was being a gentleman or realised that there wasn't going to be a second date.

bangheadhere40 thanks, I think I'll send that in the morning.

So frustrating! All my most recent dates have been like this. Out of date photos & shorter than they say.

I didn’t mean for my comments to become such a hot topic, and I’m sorry if some have felt I’ve gone too far in what I’ve discussed. I’ve tried hard to just focus on my thoughts and feelings, and have kept personal details out to protect her privacy as much as mine.

I appreciate all the replies are made with good intentions, but I have been left feeling a little battered and bruised - not helped I’m sure by feeling pretty down about it at the moment. I’m going to try and take a bit of time to reflect on what has been said, and come back to this thread soon once I’m feeling more positive.

I wish I could just accept it and move on, but my heart is struggling to do what my head tells it. Getting over the breakup with my ex of 8 years back in the summer was a piece of cake compared to this!

@TheCatWithTheHat I think when a relationship breaks down at the start we lose the hope of what it might have been. Whereas an 8 year long relationship we know each other better. Sometimes losing that hope of something magical is so hard. Especially as I think our experiences culminate. I was broken by my break up with Mr S. Much more than was reasonable for a 5 month relationship. But it was the feeling I'd found something to lose it so quickly and on top of other losses and time alone. I only got over it by full and proper NC. And accepting he didn't want to be with me. I deleted all messages, his numbers and blocked him.

I do understand what you are going through but I honestly believe the 'what ifs' and assigning feelings and motivations to her aren't doing you any good. We all have the right to choose to end any relationship at any time for any reason. We can't change how someone feels. We can't change their decisions. What we can do is change how we react.

@TheCatWithTheHat just often very very difficult. Taken me almost a year to put a four month LDR behind me. Not good, but I won’t get myself into such a position again. I don’t contact and it sometimes is still a little bittersweet but no.. as with my ex husband why on earth do I want to return to those rollercoasters? This perspective helped me a little. I do miss the better bits and hope of what it all might have been.

@TheCatWithTheHat I dont think you need to apologise to us. I think we were just seeing how much head space you were giving it and from experience were trying to say what sometimes you cant always see as someone who is involved in the situation.
I'm a firm believer in NC. Block them from everything. Take that hope away then you have to deal with the realisation that it's over and can move on easier. Looking at her social media will not help at all. I know its difficult but its shopping for pain that holds you in the moment. Also if you do want to continue seeing MissH then it's only fair to do that with a clear mind and clean heart otherwise you are potentially risking her getting hurt too and from how you come across I dont think that will make you feel any better. would say that I think maybe a few months without anyone, allowing yourself to accept what will never be with MissC and processing the hurt that has caused might be wiser and kinder not to just MissH but to yourself too but only you know what's best.

@EchoElephant the wording is fine, nothing offensive there but personally I wouldnt send it unless he made contact again anyway. Sometimes it's just obvious to both parties that something is missing, no need for lengthy discussions or explanations on that basis, not after just one date.
If he contacts you again looking like he wants to continue it or asks for a second date of course you need to send it then. But other than that I wouldnt. If had been on one date knew there was no spark and had no intentions of asking for a 2nd I'd be a bit like at getting that message out of the blue. I'd be thinking, no sweat hun I didnt want a repeat anyway.

I disagree. I think you should always send a message after a date. It's quite rude not to. I always say something like ,"had a lovely evening etc but I think we both know there was no spark/chemistry/ whatever" so it takes the sting out.

If you feel that's its rude not to, then I'd agree saying I think we both agree theres no spark may be kinder but I'd personally prefer not to get a message stating the obvious in these circumstances.

On another note how does every one feel about continuing to date as this coronavirus thing seems to be escalating. I'm not panicking about it, I promise I only have the normal amount of loo roll and hand sanitizer at home. However I do have a number of close family members who are in the vulnerable category and thinking its probably safer for them if I interact with as few people as possible in the short term.

Well we're all going to get it... I live in London, use tube daily, have school aged kids. Not a lot I can do but I am going to avoid seeing my elderly parents once the numbers start really increasing. Who also live in London, use the tube etc so they'll succumb.

I don't think I've ever been on a date with someone that I didn't really enjoy despite not fancying them. I couldn't just not contact someone again who I'd spent an evening with chatting and having a laugh. They've all been interesting.

@Thecatwiththehat last year I was seeing someone for a few months (Mr SAS). I found our we were not as exclusive as I'd been led to believe and ended things. I missed him and we stayed in contact. We needed to going to a gig together "as friends" and ended up seeing each other again for another couple of months until he ended things (liked me but not in the right place, blah blah).

This time I deleted his number. He's not on social media but I would have deleted that too if he was. The next day I swiped right on Mr Ad and realised that when someone really wants to be with you, they will be. Mr Ad has MH issues and is a recovering alcoholic but makes me feel more secure and loved than Mr SAS ever did.

@ALittleBitConfused1 im not really concerned about the virus. My medic friends say it's inevitable people will get it but that the media hype has been over the top for what it is. That said, it's put me off going out much as places seem quieter and I don't feel that interested in dating but I was like that before!

I feel awful, have just sent Mr Fit a message to say I don't feel like we're looking for the same thing at the moment and I don't want to lead him on, he's been honest that he's looking for a relationship but I'm not.

I didn't want to ghost him but hadn't replied to his last message for a couple of days which was making me feel horrible. Hopefully he'll just shrug and think ah I wasn't that bothered anyway!

@ALittleBitConfused1 I’m not particularly fussed about it, I live in London (fairly centrally), use the tube regularly, Ubers etc. I’m part of two at risk groups, not overly concerned about getting it. My sons four, in an at risk group, but as he’s a young child the likelihood of him having bad symptoms is still fairly slim. I will be annoyed if his school closes though or if my work place closes.

Fuck yeah @SimonJT that's my only fear. Closing my youngest's school. I won't be impressed if they close my uni either.

I'm quite concerned about it in all honesty and just feel like I have a responsibility to put as many preventative measures in place as possible. I'm in an at risk group but I'm young (ish) 😁, exercise daily and eat well. It's more my mum and elderly relative (who live together) that I'm more concerned about. It's just not possible for me to avoid visiting as they are both reliant on my sibling and I for practical things. I'd never forgive myself if I put them at risk. In all honesty I know alot of people cant just isolate but theres talk of letting people work from home so I think I'll do that and just limit my contact with others who may not be taking as many precautions. No snogging for me 🤣

You probably all know me by now and I would generally wait for my date to contact me post date unless I'd had an amazing time and couldn't stop myself!

On Coronavirus. I'm more worried today after reading some of the reports from medics in Italy. Me and my children all have asthma so I'm worried about interstitial bilateral pneumonia which sounds frankly terrifying. It's ok when it's a small number and hospitals can treat people but when it's widespread who gets treated? I'd welcome clearer advice on isolation and how to prevent infection. Kids are in school/college today. It isn't flu. The morbidity rate is higher. As is the transmission rate. Until today I've been fairly relaxed.

It’s no worse than a normal flu the issue is vuberable groups haven’t been vaccinated the way they are with flu. I’ve also seen a few places the incubation is longer than 2 weeks. They should have never let people who potentially had it travel internationally

I'm afraid it is worse than normal flu @Jane1978xx morbidity rate of 3.4% compared to 1% and much higher numbers of those infected requiring Intensive care. Not to diminish the seriousness of flu. To which vulnerable groups can be vaccinated. The whole of Italy is currently on lock down. A country of 60m people with an advanced health care system.

I'm not actively dating but I would think twice about meeting strangers I think. And certainly snogging them. I'm full of a cold so they would probably give me a wide berth too!!