Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I haven't done much posting about my own situation as there's not really anything new to say. Saw Mr Cocky on Friday and seeing Mr Photography on Wednesday. Mr Property returns from holiday tonight so scheduled to meet him for the first time at some point this week. Talking to a new iron last night Mr Tour who was very easy to chat to. An old iron Mr Local is meant to be coming for coffee tomorrow. I know I sound like I am plate spinning. My 'problem' is I am possibly too friendly and always have several possibles on the go. None of them are relationship material ( of the ones I have already met anyway). And I don't think any of them are expecting that from me anyway. For the most part it's friendly chat and with one or two a little bit more. When I meet someone special though all stops.

uncorrected reading back I suppose that was a big assumption I made about how people feel about themselves. I’ve never been beset by self-doubt or negative thoughts about myself, even when I know I’ve messed up or hurt someone. In many ways I’m too quick to forgive myself and even blame others for things going wrong, which is something I’m working on. Even so, I think it’s possible to step back and look at yourself objectively isn’t it? And accept that someone who is looking for love will look at you and think ‘she’s a catch, because she has a loving heart’?

tiger it's good to hear the other ways that people think about themselves. I need to keep reminding myself that I am not the sum of my negative qualities, but after a long emotionally abusive marriage that can be hard.

Trying to get an objective view of ourself, or understanding how others see is is important. It's just hard

After saturdays disastrous date and yesterdays 'woe is me' day. I've got my dating block back. Had a few messages, all from people I've instantly dismissed and a couple of messages of someone that I would normally go for but cba to respond to.
I'm pretty sure I've come to the end of my dating journey ha ha. Think I'll bail out and plough the energy into something else. No point forcing something for the sake of it.

@Fender222 I'm sorry that's crap. I was hoping she would reply, even if it was a quick I dont see this going anywhere text. Hope you're ok.

So sorry @fender222 you seem a nice nap and deserve better.

Nice chap!!!! 🙈

@Notcoolmum
@ALittleBitConfused1
@TigerDater
@UncorrectedDoormat

Thank you for your ongoing interest and comments - I really appreciate your input and support.

I feel quite bruised if I’m honest, the sudden dropping off a cliff was so unexpected and as I’m new to the dating game, it’s come as quite a shock and blow to my self-esteem. Ms Travel never appeared to have such a streak in her so to be ignored after such a lovely and affectionate date has been tough. I suppose I just have to man up and after a few days go back onto the site and hope that a lovelier woman appears. It seems being in my late 50s does not make dating life any easier and I can understand why genuine people give up.

I would find it hard to date multiple women at once, in fact, I’m not sure I would enjoy that, just not in my nature - I’d like to be able to give a women my full attention and see how it goes etc but I think I might be in the minority with that view?

Thanks again to everyone who has kindly given their time to comment.

I'm sorry @thecatwiththehat but I think you can tell from some of the replies that is not at all how you have come across. You have been talking about Miss C for much longer than a month and it was over when you joined this thread. I've also read two separate threads you posted about her. She has told you she doesn't want a relationship with you and you must accept that. No means no. I also feel a bit icky at the amount of analysis that has gone in to her apparent MH issues on this thread when she isn't aware she is being discussed or able to put her side across. We don't know why she's said no to cat but it's her right to do so.

@Fender222 I wouldn't multi date again. I think it's demeaning for all involved. Unless there is an upfront agreement. Ghosting is cruel and unnecessary. I'm surprised women behave this badly.

@Notcoolmum - no, I won’t multi date - I haven’t ever done that, but having read a few posts it appears to go on quite a bit it’s not for me.

It does @Fender222 and I've done it myself. I've changed my view on what I would want from dating though if I end up single again.

The multi dating thing is something I’ve had to weigh up, especially chatting to other irons while dating, my therapist called me out on it last week “how would mr scenery feel if he knew you were chatting, meeting others?” I was really cross and felt this question cane over as judgemental, up to last week, mr scenery had had 5 dates, with superficial chatting, daily text messages about how our day has been, what tv we were watching that night and one kiss. But last week I felt the shift, we talked about that next layer of stuff, separating, touching on what went wrong, hopes for the future etc after another very affectionate and passionate kiss it felt like the right time to come off the apps, stop chatting to potential irons. I’ve no idea if he’s still seeing other people, on the apps etc and that discussion will come but it no longer felt ok for me to be there, I still don’t know if we have a future and the smitten bench isn’t in sight but I do know everything he’s showing me is that he’s a good man and I owe it to him and myself to invest in that and not be distracted elsewhere! I’m really aware of some potential amber flags but again taking it slow means I can keep an eye on them. It’s funny having made that decision I feel a lot happier giving it time not hung up on is it right or not I need to know now! But I don’t regret or feel bad about not coming off sooner, I wasn’t ready, it helped me get a lot clearer on what I do and don’t want. And dtd with mr (can’t remember what I called him) had a place in that as well, again no regrets.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be seeing Mr Army this week, especially not the beginning of this week but messaging is still consistent with him. He told me last Tuesday before we went on our date that he was going to have very little free time heading into this week. He keeps the communication open about if he is busy or not which I'm really appeciating as it helps to stop me over thinking.
I don't think I have met someone as complementary as he is, saying that I'm really knowledgeable about a particular topic and well versed in it while other men I have dated would say that I was sounding like an encyclopedia and make a joke about it that would make me feel small. He tells me that I make being so beautiful look effortless. He is also thankful that I understand him being busy but to me it goes both ways he understands I'm not allowed to drive at the moment and hasn't moaned about picking me up and he understands that I'm not always going to have so much free time on my hands
I know we have only had 2 dates with more planned and I don't know what the future holds but I feel happy and lucky to have him in my life.

I think it's very personal @Stuckinarut79 and I have done it. But I wouldn't do it again once I'm at the stage of sleeping with someone. I didn't like how it made me feel or how I saw myself. It's just not me.

I wouldn’t multidate again and I wouldn’t do FWB again but both were right for me at the time as I still had so much to get out of my system and so much to learn. The good thing about multidating is that it stops you overinvesting in one iron - so for instance fender would probably not be feeling quite so dejected now if there had been other irons in the fire. It’s respectful of yourself but less so of others. And putting yourself first is something that a lot of us have had to learn to do after having had long relationships grind us down.

There’s no excuse for ghosting though.

None of us know the twists and turns in life that have lead us to the point where we are today. And the fact that we all have differing views and opinions is what makes contributing to a forum such as this interesting. I haven't been on here long enough to feel that I know anyone or offer deeper opinions about what they should or shouldn't do. I don't like to read when people are having a tough time or being messed around by someone but apart from offering sympathy and support there's not a lot more any of us can do.
For the record my multi dating isn't something that continues once I have met someone who I feel a proper connection with. And as has been said we each choose what works for us.

Ghosting is awful. How hard is it to send a thanks but no thanks message?

Ok look that was probably me and I did it only for the purpose of trying to help Cat put into perspective the situation and stop romanticising her - and I can only go on what info has been given and it wasn’t intended to pull her MH apart but gain some perspective

MH issues are not something you can be loved out of or just needs time and space, sometimes they are with you forever, sometimes they are entangled with your personality and how resilient you are at any given time, how you can want to be positive but at the same time find it hard to actually do the things you think you might like, or that other people think would be good for you. Overall yes she’s said it’s over and it is. I was trying to be gentler on him as I think he was getting a hard time

The advice I've appreciated most in here has been when it's upfront. When I've posted for opinions I've really wanted/needed them. I don't need people to agree with me. I'd tell my friends the difficult truths and that is what I would want and have wanted from here. Especially when it feels that it comes from a place of experience and concern.

For what it’s worth I think your analysis and opinion of MH and relationships were enlightening menora and I hope it’s helped thecat too. I don’t really see that Miss C’s privacy has been invaded as she is anonymised. Over time I think this thread has been a lot more invasive eg the micro-penis debates. Or am I missing the point here? 🤷‍♀️

This isn't a physical attribute. Mental health is personal and to some very private. My point was that we don't know whether this woman has MH issues and it was being used as an excuse for why she said no to someone. She said no. It's been months and she hasn't changed her position. Surely the kindest thing to do is help someone to accept that and move on from it?

I dont think anyone said anything out of order. In all honesty if someone is on here talking then people are going to give an opinion and I think that could go anyway. I gave my opinion based on what I had read and I wont apologise for that. I wasnt derogatory, I dont think anyone was, not about a complete anonymous persons mental health. We were just saying it how we saw it in our own style of communication . Some more strongly than others but I read them as as coming from a place of good intentions for someone who was posting about their personal experience.

I suppose it goes both way . Theres a fair bit of talking about peoples sexual encounters, some would argue that consent from the other party should be given to discuss that. Were on a forum about dating and emotional encounters. People are going to be sharing personal stories about themselves and others. Others are going to give their opinion on things that are personal to people who arent on here, some based on personal experience some based on opinion. It's not always going to be based on fact. And any of the people being discussed on here, some being judged, will always have their own side to the story. But as none of them are here that is always going to be the case.

I would say that a man’s penis is pretty personal and very private! thecat had discussed her depression with Miss C and I don’t think we have any grounds to doubt what he said on that front. I agree totally of course that no means no and he has to accept that it’s over. I think he’s trying but just being honest that he finds it hard to move on fully. He’s not the first and he won’t be the last of us to find themselves stuck in a loop.