Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I have a date tonight. And he seems normal!
What could possibly go wrong 😂

Now I need to catch up with reading the thread

@Menora yep, I understand - and that makes me feel a bit sad for her, as I know she wants to be settled and happy but just doesn't seem able to be.

I'm not waiting around for her - I'm doing my best to move on, heal myself and meet other people. But I think at the moment there's still a little bit of my heart that's still hers - although in time I'm sure that will fade. If we are meant to be together, then it will happen somehow - I'm not sitting around waiting for it though.

cat just over 6 months. Thanks for your perspective. And menora.

I'm also a bit scared of stbxH finding out and how he will react/what impact his reaction will have on the DC.

My main thought I'd that I don't want to broach that barrier unless I think things are long term with MrN. And with everything going on on my life, and past abusive marriage, I just can't judge at the moment.

Sigh. I just need a very frank discussion with MrN of how I'm feeling.

Re meeting the kids. I have a very different perspective as mine are all mid20s and Mr GN’s are late teens, but what is driving us towards meeting each other’s DCs is that they are such an important part of our lives. We feel we can’t fully know and understand each other without meeting the people who are most firmly in our hearts. For the same reason I really want him to meet my DF, and he really wants me to meet his dog! So I guess I’m saying that, practical issues aside, perhaps at a certain point in a relationship’s development, meeting DC just has to happen.

@UncorrectedDoormat. I’ve got teenagers, I have been dating and lying to them as to where I was but last night I told them I was going on a date. They were both pleased but I have no intention of (ever) introducing anyone! Mr Sparky has a young teen and I have no intention of meeting them.

@TheCatWithTheHat. I have MH issues (due to a twatty, cheating ex) but dating actually takes my mind off daily life. Maybe she always has had depression, if so, maybe she doesn’t feel worthy of a relationship. As sad as that is (and I feel this way) there is nothing you can do to make her feel worthy. That has to come from her. I failed miserably, and was cheated on after 20 years, so I feel as though my thoughts are true. Counselling is only helping so much, I don’t think I’ll ever feel self worth.
Mr Sparky is hot! Had a very hot date last night. He’s messaging today so I’m not feeling the post sex blues yet 😂

@UncorrectedDoormat could you meet him with the children and say it’s a friend. Then after a few meetings say he’s your boyfriend. That’s what we are planning to do over the summer . Althou my 10 year old is pretty savvy and might know 🤦‍♀️. Mr G has a daughter the same age as mine and an older teen. There’s no issues with his ex etc as he’s been divorced a while and had other gf meet j his kids. Don’t plan on meeting thou until school summer hols maybe which will be 7/8 months in.

@Mylifestartstoday. I’m like you the dating takes my mind off it. And when I’m down a nice message picks me up. I also get it from friends and family

thecat you seem to have had a bit of a hard time this morning on here! I think your head knows what you should be doing and you’re following that by no contact, deleting etc, but your heart - which you open up to us here - inconveniently is lagging behind. That’s fine, just so long as your head wins in time. Like others, I don’t think Miss C is for you because she will not, in the end, enhance your life.

I just worry for Cat that this could affect your own MH. You can treat this the same way you would an anxiety or obsessional thoughts and work towards healing.

Hi Cat I don't think you have done anything wrong - you aren't texting her / messaging her. All you are doing is being open on here and saying how you miss her / don't think you will find that connection again which is fine, but also not waiting around with blind hope, also fine. I don't know how you can actually stop yourself thinking about her really....the more you try not to think about something, the more you think about it, for me anyway!!!!!

@Jane1978xx - hope you are alright, you said you were going through a hard time.

@EchoElephant - good luck tonight

@menora - I really think you have the right outlook, with regards to discussing things, and that things shouldn't be 'not said'. I'm good at hiding what I want to say, when in reality I should just 'say it'.

@Fender222 - wondering how you got on, hope you are okay.

I was tempted to message Mr Dumfries, but decided sensibly against it!

I went back on POF, had a really nice chat with someone actually who seems normal and genuine. My only issue is he's too tall...I prefer men on the shorter side as I'm quite short myself. Will see how it goes, maybe worth a meet, will call him Mr Maths. He seems very pleasant though, although not my usual physical type.

I uploaded a new photo, and got loads of sleaze as well, more than from my last pic, probably as it shows a tiny bit of leg! Some of them are truly awful sex pests and get blocked immediately.

@bangheadhere just my exhtb still being controlling. Swapping his childcare days and demanding I sort out divorce and money etc even though he left me. I don’t see a way thru at the moment I’ll just ignore it another 6 months

@bangheadhere40 hide your profile and message people , it worked for me 🤣. And start with nearby ones for convenience

bang well done for not messaging Mr Dumfries, as you felt down yesterday I was afraid you might be tempted. Mr Maths sounds rather nice 👍

I am a teeny bit proud to announce that I have indeed deleted Mr Mad’s number and chat, and have ignored and deleted a message he sent since then. We had a bit of a cards-on-the-table chat on Friday in which he said something (nothing disgusting) that finally got it into my head that we are in different books, not just on a different page. If I never see or hear from him again I shan’t be sorry.

@Uncorrecteddoormat my D.C are just into secondary school but after building up introducing them to Mr Ad in my head (I am very protective after their dad cheating on me and breaking up the family), it was all fine.

I asked them if they would like to meet him and they said yes. They actually wanted to do it a couple of weeks earlier than I had in my head. We started off with a game of crazy golf together, then he came over once or twice and now he has stayed over a couple of times while they have been here.

I just make sure to not let it intrude too much on our time together as we have been a team of 3 for two years and I still see our time together as important for all of us.

My DS actually asked me last night if I think I will get married again, bless him. I didn't want to get into the fact that I am actually still married to his dad...

@TigerDater well done! It really can be a battle sometimes between heart and head can't it! Sometimes these things have to drag out a bit until something is confirmed one way or the other, and sounds like it has for you now.

I also had a chat with another, but the convo wasn't flowing really so I just left it.

@bangheadhere40
@Tigerdater
@Notcoolmum
@Onesmallstep67

I’m having to accept that I’ve been ghosted by Ms Travel. My WhatsApp message which has been delivered but remains showing as unread yet Ms Travel has been online on and off yesterday and today.

I’m finding it extremely disappointing given I thought I was kind, thoughtful and respectful and particularly because during our last date early last week she was affectionate and never pulled away at any time. It seemed a very relaxed and quite intimate evening. I feel rather lost and demoralised to be honest. Seems a genuine bloke remains on the shelf and perhaps Ms Travel will realise her loss but I doubt it.

Thank you to everyone who has added their kind thoughts and words.

Any advice and support would be gratefully received x

I have a date tomorrow! This one is Mr Builder, he seems funny so hopefully it will be a nice evening if nothing else.

@Fender22 - I'm sorry to hear that, and completely understand the disappointment is has caused.

I think though if she is the type to 'ghost' and not have the decency to tell you she doesn't want to see you again then she does not sound very nice. Sounds very cowardish, and I think you can find someone with the same morals as yourself, rather than someone who won't even be honest.

I have had dates with guys and always said if I don't want to see them again. I've also been ghosted, left hanging etc....so I know it's awful though, as so many things are left 'unanswered'.

Sorry to hear that @Fender222

fender I’m really sorry to hear that. Being ghosted is horribly unkind and so bloody rude. However, it’s fairly par for the course and - after a period of feeling a bit sorry for yourself - you just have to pick yourself up and try again. Someone who can do this to you is not someone you want to be with, so it’s a bullet dodged.

By the way, You feel and we all probably concur that you are a ‘good guy’ but generally it’s best not to refer to yourself as such in the apps - it sets off alarm bells that in fact you’re not! I think we all regard ourselves as being a catch but in the end it’s up to the other person to reach that conclusion for themselves.

That's interesting Tiger, the other one I was speaking to told me he was a 'nice guy'...I automatically, therefore, assumed he probably wasn't if he had to spell it out.

I think using the wording ' looking for someone genuine' is okay, as it implies you are, but not to describe yourself as it.

@Fender222, oh man I am so sorry that it looks like Ms Travel isn't having the decency to wind things up with you in the right way. Definitely her loss and says something about her for sure. I can never understand why people use the tactic of just completely ignoring you.
Difficult as it feels you just have to dig deep and keep putting your needs and expectations back to the forefront of your mind and trust , as we all have to , that the next one will be a good one

Interesting @tigerdater you saying we all regard ourselves as a catch. I often get caught up thinking of all the negatives about myself, and then conclude that there must be something fundemental wrong with anyone who sees me as a catch. The spiral then continues, in which I convince myself I should stop seeing the person, bet they must be crazy/wrong/have ulterior motives if they want to date me.

I really have to work hard to see myself in a positive light and as a catch

I'm sorry @Fender222. That's pretty rubbish.