How do I leave my marriage without being the wicked witch

[kcw1986]

Been lurking for a bit and want some advice on my current situation.
DH had an affair a while back and I stupidly took him back even though deep down I knew I would never really forgive him its just not in my nature and have felt like a pathetic doormat ever since.

The situation is more complicated because the affair resulted in a child a little boy now 6 which my DH has regular contact with and clearly loves. We have two DS of our own both 8 and 11 who were the main reasons that I stayed in the marriage.

And some time ago the OW has told my DH that she has cervical cancer and it has become terminal, which means my DH is going for custody of their son although the boys grandparents want him too.

If am honest I checked out of the marriage along time ago and for the past few months have been having an affair with my boss, its not going anywhere and is already started to fizzle out (He still loves his wife and isn't ready to be with anyone else plus I really want to be single)

Ever since this has been going on my youngest has been kinder to his brother and is clearly developing a strong bond with him. I have caught them cuddling in bed and my DS tells me his brother crys at night and he comforts him and my eldest while not being overly affectionate has started letting him play in his room and doesn't glare at him which is a big thing for him.

I fell incredibly guilty but I want to end my marriage but I don't know how if there is a custody battle is it best to stay until my DH gets him or should I end it before and risk the grandparents winning custody. Plus with the developing bonds my son is making I don't want to be responsible for more hurt but I cant keep going on with this sham of a marriage.

I feel sorry for your bosses wife was there really any need to drag her into your mess?! Don't know whether it's best she doesn't find out or not but I feel really sorry for her and the children in all of this it's just dreadful

Oh I just read that she had passed away but still I just feel so sorry for the kids in all of this it's just been one big mess of affairs and adults playing games

I saw your other thread OP. Does DH have 2 other daughters too?

@tricia4355
No my sister used my username because she wanted to build a strong case for the name she wanted and her partner didn’t like it unfortunately the foetus didn’t survive. It’s one of the reasons me and my sister are so close she was going through that and now looking back I had PND so we helped each other through a horrific time

Oh I see. Fair enough.

I think it’s the reason I’ve had enough this last decade has been so shit feels like my family has been put through the ringer numerous times all I want is a bit of normality and dullness

I'm glad you are choosing to separate. It is the right thing to do given that your dh will expect his ds to simply move in and become part of your family.

@kcw1986 you and your sister sound ace. I’m glad you have her for support.

OP I just want to say you should be so proud of yourself, the courage and honest you have displayed on this thread has been amazing. I wish you and you're two boys all the best in you're new lives together

After reading this thread my heart breaks for you. What an utter mess. I'm amazed at your strength. I hope it all works out for you now and your new life is calm and serene for you and your boys.

@kcw1986 I’ve got no advice that hasn’t been given already, but I just wanted to say that everything you’ve said makes it clear you’ll be fine. Your humility and decency shine through in all of your posts. Your husband has lost the most amazing person he will ever know in losing you and I suspect he’s well aware of that.

We are the same age and born the same year so you might remember this song by The Calling. It was released when we were in Year 11 and reading your post immediately these lyrics popped into my head, although I couldn’t remember the name of the song (it’s called Adrienne apparently). It’s not high art but this verse and the bits in bold are very true:

Spent my money, drove my car
I treated you like a shining star
But in my sky all burnt out you are
And I'll have the last laugh, when I see you walking with some other guy
Because I know you're gone end up all alone
So take these words, some good advice
All you've done is gonna come back twice
You never cared how much it hurt, I really need to tell you
Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, Used me up.

Your husband is probably not an intrinsically bad man and his main crimes are probably stupidness and selfishness, but he will end up alone forever now- even if he marries another ten times- because you are the love of his life. I don’t think he’s the love of yours though, you beautiful human. I think you’ve yet to meet the love of your life and when you do he will treat you like gold and finally the reason for everything that’s happened will make sense. I’m not woo or spiritual or anything and not sure if I even believe in soulmates, but if they exist yours has no idea how lucky he’s going to be when he meets you.

Oh, and you are going to make THE MOST amazing police officer and your sister sounds brilliant. I’m so glad she’s refusing to tow the party line. You need someone like that in your life.

I would wish you luck, but something tells me you don’t need it.

Ah shit, bold fail. The bits with stars either side are meant to be my bold words.

I know this is an old thread OP but wondering how everything went with you in the end?

Hope you’re ok op

Lurking geezer from way back, 1st time post x

God feels like forever ago I posted on here
Feel like am living in a completely different world with everything going on

Me and (I don’t know what to call him) are separated, he’s now living with his mum that is after living with the OW for a few weeks towards the end

OW died mid July

He and the grandparents came to an agreement he has custody and they have regular access. So they are both living at his mums.

My boys are doing ok I think
Oldest still quiet and moody
Youngest was very upset but he’s generally upbeat and cheery and he seems to be bouncing back

He has the boys at the moment he wanted to have all three of them for a while and tbh am quite relived with the break. I love them dearly but my god have they tried my patience all over the pandemic. I don’t know how people home school their children.

Am loving the freedom and quiet and having my own space feel am becoming the woman I used to be and am smiling a lot more.

My relationship with ex is weird sometimes frosty but I will say he’s been in constant contact with the boys so I am relived that that’s going ok

I did leave my employment because the atmosphere become really bad after boss found out I’d separated from H.......don’t know whether he thought I wanted to get with him-which I don’t
But it all became very uncomfortable towards the end

I think that’s everything

This has all been so appalling for you. Just shocking. Were you effectively fired from your job? Are you able to find more work?

It's all so awful and there really aren't the words. 💐

Are you OK @kcw1986? You sound so tired...

Were you able to get a suitable job to help with your finances and getting properly settled?

* I think Oldest still quiet and moody*
Were you thinking of getting some counselling for him?

I hope you all get some light and happiness in your lives OP. You've all been through enough I think. 🌹

Am actually really good enjoying some much needed peace and quiet

My mum managed to get me a job so am doing ok for money atm

In regards to my oldest am just going to take things slowly and keep an eye on him