How do I leave my marriage without being the wicked witch

[kcw1986]

Been lurking for a bit and want some advice on my current situation.
DH had an affair a while back and I stupidly took him back even though deep down I knew I would never really forgive him its just not in my nature and have felt like a pathetic doormat ever since.

The situation is more complicated because the affair resulted in a child a little boy now 6 which my DH has regular contact with and clearly loves. We have two DS of our own both 8 and 11 who were the main reasons that I stayed in the marriage.

And some time ago the OW has told my DH that she has cervical cancer and it has become terminal, which means my DH is going for custody of their son although the boys grandparents want him too.

If am honest I checked out of the marriage along time ago and for the past few months have been having an affair with my boss, its not going anywhere and is already started to fizzle out (He still loves his wife and isn't ready to be with anyone else plus I really want to be single)

Ever since this has been going on my youngest has been kinder to his brother and is clearly developing a strong bond with him. I have caught them cuddling in bed and my DS tells me his brother crys at night and he comforts him and my eldest while not being overly affectionate has started letting him play in his room and doesn't glare at him which is a big thing for him.

I fell incredibly guilty but I want to end my marriage but I don't know how if there is a custody battle is it best to stay until my DH gets him or should I end it before and risk the grandparents winning custody. Plus with the developing bonds my son is making I don't want to be responsible for more hurt but I cant keep going on with this sham of a marriage.

I’ve been thinking about going to my oldest school and having a chat about him getting some counselling I will phone tomorrow to make an appointment.

OP is an OW.
I don't care what she does, but surprised the thread hasn't flayed her.

No ragged she’s not. Keep up.

@kcw1986 what a shit show he has created.

You have to think of your eldest here, not just you.

Your DH is being breathtakingly selfish! Just assuming you’ll take care of a grief-stricken little boy who is the result of your husband’s affair and has let to your eldest being in such a bad place?

You’re defending him and I get it but he really is a colossal dickhead.

I think you don’t sound ready to take this on. And that’s understandable.

But that little boy can’t come into a home about to implode, and your sons can’t deal with the fall out of a new full-time brother in the midst of grief and then the divorce of their parents.

For all your sakes, you need to end it now, I think. At least separate for a time. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this

Firstly, kudos posts are very candid and self-aware

My personal opinion is taking your eldest to counselling right now is the worst thing you could do.
The message you send with it is "you need help because there is something wrong with your feelings/behaviour"
you are basically gaslighting him.

There isnt anything wrong with him or his behaviour- what is wrong is the situation.

He, rightly, is angry with his father. He watched you sit and cry (how would you feel in his position even as an adult?)
He is demonstrating his feelings within his limited power (the football team)

Ultimately, You need to leave this marriage

Also in agreement he is a collosal dickhead

Oh, and don’t feel bad for any of your feelings around this. You’re only human!

I think worrying about appearances shouldn't be your priority. You are behaving badly, your husband has and is behaving badly and the children involved are going to bear the brunt of this totally dysfunctional marriage as long as it continues.

Your eldest is being the barometer of your marriage - he can tell things are very "wrong" within his family.

You marriage is so so so over. You are having an exit affair rather than have the guts to end it for all reasons that went before.

You want to be single with very good reason.

Time to move on and separate.

1. Stop the affair now. It's only going to complicate things and add a pile of shit to another pile of shit which is your marriage. Don't confess, don't throw it in his face, bury the secret and concentrate on your self and your boys.

1. Tell your H the marriage is over and was the day you found out he'd cheated. End of. No going back, reconciliation hasn't worked, you will not be a mother to his son and (most important) you will not support him getting custody because it will tie you to him further, add to your caring responsibilities and confuse your DSs.

1. Tell him If he wants custody, he will have to make childcare arrangements on his own and alter his working Arrangements to be a single father. You are not his unpaid childcare.

1. Forget all the other family members, their opinions and the thoughts. You are the one that is important now.

1. See a solicitor and make arrangements to divorce. Keep it a civil as possible.

Frankly I'd be raging inside that I was being expected to care for a child that was the outcome of your Hs cheating. I feel deep sympathy for the child and think he would be better cared for by the OWs parents with your H having regular access.

What @friendineed said.

Op you need to worry less about what other people will think and more about what is right for you and your boys.

For what it’s worth I dint think anyone would think you are a wicked witch for leaving a man who had a long term affair. You have tried and it’s just not working.

Raising the child from the affair?? Not many women would be up for that. Like others have said, end it now to minimise the impact on the OWs son and your own kids.
Wishing you well

I think the wicked witch thing is definitely from my own head I wish I could be ok with all this but am not and I might never be.

I can’t divorce because of adultery so I’ll have to look at my options.

I think am also overwhelmed with everything this is the man I have two sons with, who I married and wanted to grow old with, my first kiss, the boy I lost my virginity too, the boy who I used to play hide and seek with and have sleepovers watching Disney movies. I cant visualise a life that doesn’t have him in it........just want to crawl under the duvet but there’s been too much of that already.

You can separate officially and divorce after 2 years if needs be. Unfortunately we don't have a no fault divorce system yet.

I'm sure you'd have a case for unreasonable behaviour tho.

@kcw1986 I think that’s all the more reason to separate to begin with.

You don’t need to make any permanent decisions just yet. But you have a lot to sort through and he needs to know he can’t expect you to raise his mistress’s child (I know he’s dh’s too) while he swans off to his job.

Is he even aware of the damage he’s done to his relationship with eldest? Does he care?!

I think you should go get counselling before speaking to your husband or making a decision.

Start divorce proceedings on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Expecting you to bring up his child without even discussing or consulting you, is enough.

The longer you leave it the more pain you cause your own children, your self, this poor little boy (who will be more confused than ever) and even your husband, as he needs to know where he stands with the custody issue as soon as possible.

Sushiroller Counselling doesn't have to be because something is wrong with someone, it can be a safe and confidential place for someone to get their feelings out. He may not have anyone to talk to about this stuff.

I think you should go get counselling before speaking to your husband or making a decision.

Ideally, yes. But that can be a long and involved process, and in the meantime several sets of people are trying to sort out the living arrangements of that little boy. That really needs to be addressed very soon.

Let go of the emotion. Your H betrayed you on every level. He’s not your first and only love any more. He threw that away when he cheated. He’s using you still and treating you like a doormat. Get angry and let that anger keep you going through the divorce.

I also think you need to look down the road. This little boy is about to be bereaved and move home. Two of the most stressful things a child can go through. While having his effective birth order changed (a known issue for children) and moving in with a brother who doesn't want him there. I would be astounded if he didn't develop behavioural issues. Which your children will have to deal with. Frankly the grandparents sound a much better option.

Add a divorce into the mix? Much better to do it now while everyone is still where they are. Bear in mind your eldest may well blame his father, then brother. But if you divorce he may well blame you at least for a time.

Brenda completely agree, but in this context, i would be amazed if that child percieved it as geniune help rather than singling out and trying to "fix him".

I say this as someone whose mother did similar with the best of intentions (specifcs of the situation were different of course)

@Sushiroller Don't be ridiculous. You are projecting. What @BrendasUmbrella said.

Counselling would be a safe space for DS1 to just talk to someone outside the family, explore and understand his feelings, and get some support in coping with them. That is never a bad idea FFS.

I think you need to break this down.
Firstly, you don’t owe the little boy anything or his mum or your dh.

Your older son will heal when he sees his mum happy again. At the moment he understands how tough this must be for you and wants to be loyal to you.

Even if your dh hadn’t had an affair, and you wanted the marriage to end, you have that right.

If the mum is still living, surely she can organise her sons future, ie write in her will or agree prior to dying where she would like her son to be to avoid any conflict for him after she’s passed etc. It’s what I feel I would do if I knew I was terminal. She may not get her wishes but it would hold some weight in court providing her request was sensible.
Ow needs to know very soon if you’re planning on divorcing do that she doesn’t close off alternative options.
If your dh gets custody of his other son, my thought is would this give him more sway for more custody of your two boys. I’m not suggesting he’d take them from you, but he may want more custody than you feel comfortable with.

Do not tell him about the affair as this could cause a lot of anger etc. Anger can fuel a person for a really long time and in a very unattractive way.

Explain you’re unhappy and want a separation.
Focus on you and your boys and your future.
You may find your sons relationship with his dad improves once your separated as he will see you relax and breathe again.
Don’t focus on who’s done what and what all everyone’s options are.
Focus on you and your sons. You have nothing to feel bad for. Go and get the life you deserve.

The custody thing does concern me he’s certainly going to want then more than one day and I can’t quite imagine not being with my boys all week but I’ll have to get used to it I suppose I have no intention of stopping them seeing their DF or their DB I hope the three of them do develop a brotherly bond in time and I do want the relationship between DH and DS1 to be mended they were such little buddies before all this.