How do I leave my marriage without being the wicked witch

[kcw1986]

Been lurking for a bit and want some advice on my current situation.
DH had an affair a while back and I stupidly took him back even though deep down I knew I would never really forgive him its just not in my nature and have felt like a pathetic doormat ever since.

The situation is more complicated because the affair resulted in a child a little boy now 6 which my DH has regular contact with and clearly loves. We have two DS of our own both 8 and 11 who were the main reasons that I stayed in the marriage.

And some time ago the OW has told my DH that she has cervical cancer and it has become terminal, which means my DH is going for custody of their son although the boys grandparents want him too.

If am honest I checked out of the marriage along time ago and for the past few months have been having an affair with my boss, its not going anywhere and is already started to fizzle out (He still loves his wife and isn't ready to be with anyone else plus I really want to be single)

Ever since this has been going on my youngest has been kinder to his brother and is clearly developing a strong bond with him. I have caught them cuddling in bed and my DS tells me his brother crys at night and he comforts him and my eldest while not being overly affectionate has started letting him play in his room and doesn't glare at him which is a big thing for him.

I fell incredibly guilty but I want to end my marriage but I don't know how if there is a custody battle is it best to stay until my DH gets him or should I end it before and risk the grandparents winning custody. Plus with the developing bonds my son is making I don't want to be responsible for more hurt but I cant keep going on with this sham of a marriage.

Ok. So these words doesn't mean OP is still in a sexual relationship with her boss.

"If am honest I checked out of the marriage along time ago and for the past few months have been having an affair with my boss, its not going anywhere and is already started to fizzle out (He still loves his wife and isn't ready to be with anyone else plus I really want to be single)...

Before my affair with my boss "

I also said he was a widower @ragged not saying I have been a saint I clearly haven’t but I would never do that to another woman and family.

The little boy will fairly inevitably become the golden child which will be very unfair on your dc. This is going to be particularly hard on your eldest.

Your dh is always going to demand that you look after the youngest regardless of how you and your dc's feel about it so that he can feel better about himself and receive all the plaudits from friends and family for incorporating the boy into your lives.

You need to end this marriage asap to minimise the impact on all the children. You need time and distance to be properly single before getting involved with anyone again.

You've put up with a fuckton of shit so far.
The fallout for you, your DSs and the OW's DS are going to be massive if you try to hold this omnishambles together. So why are you focused on 'not being the wicked witch' ? (Horrible phrase)
It's a strange thing to focus on in such an awful situation.

Also please respect DS1's feelings about his father. The boy's entitled to think his father's a shit if that's how his father has behaved. I wouldn't bad mouth the shit in front of your DS but I wouldn't be racing to steer him where he doesn't want to go either.

@kcw1986
I see it differently. Between what’s best for you and what’s best for your kids (in the sort term as they are dealing with the terminal illness of their half brother) - I think kids win.
You have lived in this marriage, you can stick it out for bit longer, to give your kids time to deal with one shock at a time.
Your H doesn’t seem to demand much of you. You can continue living your life, and possibly becoming even more distant. Have your affair, or have another one - just to give you a little distraction.
And then, when their half sibling situation plays out - and it all normalises - you can make your move.

@MMmomDD The OW is suffering a terminal illness and the half brother, who will be left behind, will potentially be coming to live with the OP's family.

I must agree with the majority here. Now is the best time to end this marriage, for your sake, for that of your children, particularly your eldest, for the sake of this small child who may be arriving in your husbands life for ever. Maybe even for your AP, with whom you may have a future relationship some years ahead.

MMmomDD
Thats absolutely terrible advice -just stick it out , seriously!
Her DH is not considering her feelings at all.
End it now OP, before things become even more complicated .

Have you had a full helath check OP? As he had unprotected sex with her and she subsequently developed cervical cancer that would be raising a whole new set of alarm bells for me regarding my health completely apart from everything else you have going on.

Ignore MMmomDDq what terrible advice you're not obligated to this child and his mother to stuck out for their sakes. This is not you're child if you stay you will likely be lumbered with the bulk of this childs care.

OP has no obligation to that child, of course.
But HER children must be priority, surely.
I really don’t understand how any mother won’t think about sticking it out for a little longer for HER children.

Kids get affected by death or people close to them. Regardless of her being an OW, which is important to you - to them she is a mother of someone they are related to. When mothers of their friends/family/etc die - little kids often get really scared about their own mothers and it takes a while to get through this.
Adding to that a shock of divorce is unfair on them.

Only you know our children, OP. And only you know what’s best.
You are struggling with this all because effect on the kids worries you. I am sorry it’s such a tough choice. But in the end of the day - being a mother is often a sacrifice. At least in the short term.

MmmomDd, don't you see how much worse it would be for all the children, to go through the death of the other mother, get used to living together as a family (should the father be awarded residency) and then have it all ripped apart by OP at a later date. Talk about prolonged trauma.

And especially for the little lad who's about to lose his mum. Hideous to bring him into a family and then it break up, it'll feel like his fault and rejection. If it's about putting children first, that is not facilitating the lie of a stable family for a child to be brought into.

Kids get affected by death or people close to them. Regardless of her being an OW, which is important to you - to them she is a mother of someone they are related to. When mothers of their friends/family/etc die - little kids often get really scared about their own mothers and it takes a while to get through this.

I don’t even think that the OPs DCs have ever met the OW?

And to your point being worried about their own DM - clearly DC1 is already v distressed about his mother’s emotional state before any of this has kicked in. The OP sounds at breaking point and to have to take on the son of an affair full time and mother this grieving child is just intolerable - this will totally take its toll further on OP and then on her boys directly and indirectly.

Her boys don’t need this other little boys trauma - it will affect them deeply. I would be looking to protect my DCs from that - and the little boy would be better served with the undivided attention of his mothers mother and father.....

How much time has the OPs DH actually spent parenting this little boy?

What an awful situation. I think you should stop the affair ASAP and try and see if your partner will go to counselling with you. Even if it's just to facilitate an easier separation.

I feel So sorry for all the kids involved.

Leave before she dies

Ah yes "sticking it out for the children"
That old chesnut.
In this case it will be far worse to set up a new arrangement and THEN leave.

Leave now OP. Put yourself first. Get an STI check including HPV and crack on ASAP. The consquences for your STBXH are not your concern. Your sons will still have a relationship with this little boy but as PPs have said, you will end up with the responsibility of this child and still have a wandering cheating husband. A real shit sandwich if ever there was one!

OP - I just wanted to praise your honesty and self-awareness. Also, some of the excellent advice on this thread.

This is a horrible mess but you will navigate your way through it. You're an intelligent woman and a loving mother.

@Gutterton

OP’s children are already affected by this tragedy. It doesn’t matter if they met the OW personally - they know from their brother that his mother is dying.
Small kids normally I’ve in a bubble where adults are there to take care of them.
So when that picture if the world is shattered - kids are affected for a whole. They get better, obviously, but it takes a bit of time.

So - OP’s children most likely are worried and scared about their mother. NOT her emotional state - as kids tend to not think like that. Their worry is simple and primal - what if MY mother suddenly dies. It’s happening to my half-brother a so it can happen to me.
This is the worry I was referring to. So adding to that fear the pain of divorce will be hard.
Staggering it can give the OP a bit of time to let her kids heal.

What about the other child, MmmomDd? How does it benefit him to become part of a family and live with his siblings in the aftermath of his mother's death, be looked after by the op, and then have that broken up?

How does it benefit the op's children to get used to living with their sibling and then be separated?

What you propose isn't kinder, it would be creating long term misery and upheaval.

I second everything @friendineed has posted. DO NOT confess about the affair. That will just make everything even more complicated for you and your husband will likely use that as an out to turn things around on you. Don’t do it.

Also judging by your username, I’m guessing you’re about 33 or 34 years old? If so, my goodness woman, you’re still incredibly young! You have a whole other life or even two lives ahead of you. Get out now, make a safe space you and your sons, and start living again! Retrain for a new career, get more hobbies and spend good time with your sons.

Again thank you for the messages.

After the affair I had a full test done for STI and made my colossal dickhead of a husband get the same. After OW cancer I went to the doctor again to get checked out but my doctor said everything was normal.

I am 33 going on 34, I do feel life has passed me by these recent years and I do want to make significant changes like decorating my home having my own bed, changing careers- I do fancy joining the police not sure how that would work with the boys.

I have also ended the affair today, he was definitely relived I think, it had run its course and I had gotten out of it what I wanted I suppose plus I feel it one thing I don't have to worry about.

Regarding telling DH about affair I did want to be honest with him about everything to show the full state of our marriage as I do think hes buried his head in the sand and constructed this fantasy world were everything is fine and dandy (which is what I used to be guilty of)

Am going to insist having a separation for the foreseeable future and want to go back to counselling ill think ill pay as waiting lists are usually miles long.

I think that’s all very positive, and a separation is a must.

Definitely separate, perhaps he will become primary carer for his youngest and perhaps that would enable you to forge a career in the police despite the shifts.

Do you already have a degree? If not start with the policing degree?

OP, telling him about this brief skirmish you have had, gives him a chance to muddy the water regarding what he did.

You could expect him to go public about it and it will just bring pain to your boys and family.
There is nothing to be gained by it.
You want a separation.
It will be less acrimonious if you say nothing.

I think if you do admit it, you'll regret it very quickly.
Wishing you well.