How do I leave my marriage without being the wicked witch

[kcw1986]

Been lurking for a bit and want some advice on my current situation.
DH had an affair a while back and I stupidly took him back even though deep down I knew I would never really forgive him its just not in my nature and have felt like a pathetic doormat ever since.

The situation is more complicated because the affair resulted in a child a little boy now 6 which my DH has regular contact with and clearly loves. We have two DS of our own both 8 and 11 who were the main reasons that I stayed in the marriage.

And some time ago the OW has told my DH that she has cervical cancer and it has become terminal, which means my DH is going for custody of their son although the boys grandparents want him too.

If am honest I checked out of the marriage along time ago and for the past few months have been having an affair with my boss, its not going anywhere and is already started to fizzle out (He still loves his wife and isn't ready to be with anyone else plus I really want to be single)

Ever since this has been going on my youngest has been kinder to his brother and is clearly developing a strong bond with him. I have caught them cuddling in bed and my DS tells me his brother crys at night and he comforts him and my eldest while not being overly affectionate has started letting him play in his room and doesn't glare at him which is a big thing for him.

I fell incredibly guilty but I want to end my marriage but I don't know how if there is a custody battle is it best to stay until my DH gets him or should I end it before and risk the grandparents winning custody. Plus with the developing bonds my son is making I don't want to be responsible for more hurt but I cant keep going on with this sham of a marriage.

please don't tell your H about the affair. You want a civilised divorce and amicable joint custody or visitations, you won't get it if you throw an affair in his face. People have a remarkable ability to see only your mistakes and not their own, and he can blame you for the marriage ending, even though it is all on him.( I'm not calling this poor little boy (my DS is 6 so I really relate) the mistake, but the affair)

As for being honest, you don't owe him honesty, he showed none to you. Its only about getting out now with the least pain to everyone concerned.

Please don't tell him about the affair. Please think of your eldest son who's traumatised enough, and doesn't need the news that his mum's been doing it, too.

I think the only people that matter in this whole sorry mess are your two sons. Do what's best for them.

That imo is immediately ending your marriage.

I just feel a little hypocritical but I do want to protect my boys from harm as much as possible so I will not say anything I’ve got my DS to talk to anyway and she knows everything.

What an awful situation.

I think you need to separate ASAP so that the OW boy doesn’t end up living with you full time. When his mum dies, he’s going to then be relying on you to be his support and he’ll get attached to you. That’s fine to be that if you’re going to stay in the marriage but you haven’t processed the affair or had time alone to work out your feelings. You don’t have to jump to divorce. You could have a trial separation. You’ve been together since a very young age and your husband had a massive wobble. You might find that if you get away from him, have a bit of your own space and identity that you decide you do want him and then you can come back together at some point. At the moment you are living in this pressure cooker and it’s impacting your eldest badly. I’m not sure why your DH thinks it’s a good idea to fight for custody right now. Again it’s very selfish which is what he sounds like. What does the OW want for her son? That should be respected first and foremost. The last thing that woman and poor child need is adults acting badly for their own sakes. The grandparents could have residency and your DH continues with a couple of nights as before. That boy needs all of his family. That doesn’t have to include you though and that’s fair enough and if you have ambivalent thoughts towards him (understandably) then it’s more beneficial/fair to him that you aren’t around him especially after his mum dies when he might turn to you for comfort. Poor you and poor little guy. Your husband really has fucked up hugely hasn’t he.

You are separating not just because of the affair. You clearly don't love him in a way that means the marriage can survive. Your relationship isn't honest or real and doesn't seem to have been for many years.

@kcw1986
“I’ve been thinking about going to my oldest school and having a chat about him getting some counselling”

This is a good idea and also some family therapy where you can all talk about how you feel.

Christ! I wished I’d had your presence and self awareness at 30-odd!

You’re going to be ok love, you’re making the right decisions for the right reasons.

You have to live your life for you, you have to be happy and your dc will blossom as a result

Don’t stop until you 3 are out and safe together. Your h isn’t your h anymore, he’s the bloke who cheated on you.

Feeling quite up beat today although slightly awkward in work but that's to be expected I suppose.

I have no idea about OW wants for her son after her death, I have had as little to do with her as possible since everything has happened. I also think H has very little idea about her plans as he has got quite anxious when it does get brought up. The grandparents do live away from us its not like their on the other side of the country but it would be a tiring journey going back and forth. He was concerned that she would make it hard for him to see his son because she was very angry when he didn't pick her but again nothing has been spoken about.

Having a sort out this weekend going to get rid of all the presents he bought me pre/post affair guilt (really gaudy, tacky but expensive jewellery etc) and use it to go on a break with the boys during easter break.

Have had my DS staying with me while H away so I have had her to offload to and take my mind off things, she's delighted am going for a separation, as she viewed him as a brother and was really angry about the affair. She wants me to have a sliding doors moment and cut of all my hair after I get rid of my H (am not quite sure about that haha)

Dreading and looking forward to H coming home so I can set the ball rolling just want to be able to breathe again and feel relaxed.

Would it help you to write down bullet points of everything you want to say to him?

Keep it short and clear - no room for misinterpretation. Don't let him speak until you have finished.

Just re-reading your posts, I think the OW saying she wants to meet with you both is a sign that she wants him to take his son. You have to be clear about this. If you are divorced (or separated), that arrangement just won't be possible, will it?

All the more reason to have this conversation with him asap.

I am so relieved that you have the support of your lovely sister. You have made amazing progress and it seems that you can see what YOUR priorities are in this sorry mess (your 2 boys).

You are on your way now.

Seems that you have emotionally detached.

Maybe let that feeling of relief and clarity bed in for a bit and as they say on here get your ducks in a row with respect to legal and financial paperwork/advice before you speak with him.

I would also as PP has said have a v simple message ready for him that is just repeated, repeated, repeated once the weeping, wailing, begging, pleading, promising, bribing kicks off.

I would have one simple answer to every one of his different questions (because he will come at you from every angle for months)

“As I said, I have tried for x years to get over the affair, but the trust and love is not there. I am deeply unhappy and we need to separate and remain civil to parent our boys constructively”

There are a couple of points from your most recent update. You said that OW was devastated that he didn’t leave you for her. It can only be assumed that he gave her every reason to believe those were his plans.

Also this “custody case” does this mean that her wishes are that her DS goes to her parents and HE is contesting that?

There isn't a custody case, the woman isn't dead yet.

I think a father with contact will be awarded residency unless he's seen as unfit. Whatever the mum's wishes are.

When it comes to the custody of the boy am not really sure what is going on now one has actually said they'll go to court over it but that is the assumption and the OW has kept her cards close to her chest, which I can understand given the circumstances. If it were me dying I would put it off for as along as possible as it would just make it too real for me. It has actually made me think about what would happen to my boys if I died and even though their dad is a huge knob, I would want him to get them.

Ow wasn't devastated more angry I think her ego was wounded and after seeing all the messages between them more then I wanted to its clear to me that he had no intention of shacking up with her it was all some stupid selfish fantasy that all came crashing down.

OW also admitted to me it was a mistake when the cancer became terminal she did apologise, I think to clear her conscience or try and make things right-fat chance.

Am just glad I have a few days before he gets back from his business trip so I can get ready financially I should be ok. I know he will look after the boys money wise am concerned how much access he would want have a felling it would be 50/50.

Your Dh has handled all of this horribly. Every step seems to have been full steam ahead with what he wanted and the rest of you just left to cope with the consequences. He'll get a rude shock when he finds out it's his turn finally. But I am guessing that if he can't get you into the primary carer role for his Ds, he'll try to get his Dm to do it instead.

If he wants 50/50 residency, will he have the means to accommodate 3 boys? Enough bedrooms, enough time as well unless he would go part time?

Take some time to think about what's best for them. And you!

I think him asking my MIL for help is a given as I think he is probably going to stay there until he gets himself sorted. His mum loves her grandsons all three of them so would naturally offer. I know she does go to see the OW from time to time and has helped her out since the cancer diagnosis, which has caused some frostiness between DM and MIL and has really affected their friendship another thing my H is responsible for.

How is your own relationship with MIL?

It must sting a bit that she's been going to visit his mistress.

He's created such a bloody mess! I'm so glad you're getting out.

@OhCaptain
My relationship with my MIL is good she also my godmother as my DM is his. So even when we separate I know she will still support me we all live fairly closely anyway.

It did sting at first but I also understood and it not like she is happy about it I can tell she is conflicted about all of it. Since her husband died all she has is my H and the boys and I know she loves me and probably wont be shedding many tears when the inevitable happens.

Yes he has.

You know I expect that your MIL knows well that your marriage has been well and truly over for some time if she is close to you.

She will have seen and sensed your pain and struggle. She might well be relieved or accepting at least.

There will be no one (except your DH) who would be looking at your situation and judging you as a wicked witch - it is likely to opposite - that poor woman, what else has he burdened her with ... a long term affair, a baby, bring the baby into your home - and finally expecting you to mother a bereaved child....

I hope that you have dropped any feelings of shame, guilt, obligation - they are not yours.

The love and trust were obliterated at the affair alone - it’s just taken you your own time to try to rebuild but it’s just dust.

You need to leave before the boy starts to see you as step mum.

After what your dh did no one would blame you for leaving, especially now. You won't be seen as the wicked witch (you might do if your affair comes to light tho)

I'd simply be upfront with your dh and tell him you've never got over his affair and you need to split up. I'd not bring his son into it, but be careful he doesn't try to emotionally black mail you into staying by saying that if you leave he'll never get custody. That is his problem not yours, your concern is your own welfare and that of you me children

I do think my MIL would understand why I need this to happen, she will be upset but support me. I have my parents and sis too so I won’t be alone and I’ve got my boys as well, got to be strong for them.

Have been thinking about all the horrible days I’ve experienced these last years :
When I found out about the affair and baby
The day the baby was born and DH got a text from her saying congratulations daddy
When he told me he wanted to be in the baby’s life and begged me not to leave him
All the days out with his son were I had to lie to my DS about where their dad was.
FIL death

All this gives me the fire to leave him but I don’t want to be nasty or cruel and I actually don’t want to rub it in his face or sweep the rug from under him
I actually don’t want to hurt him but I know I will so just want it over with
Having to tell the kids about their DB
And now this playing happy families

He behaved shockingly time and time and time again to you and your boys. He has not treated you with kindness and respect. His expectations of you are preposterous.

You have tried. It’s not working. It’s over. The trust, love and respect has gone.

You are losing your whole self to this and it is emotionally intolerable. Whilst you are suffering and consumed with this your DCs are not getting the best of you. That’s not fair on them or you. They want a fully present, joyful, carefree Mum - and you deserve to be that mother.

There is nothing “nasty and cruel” about that decision - it’s a rational life choice.

No rug being pulled. Just moving gently on for everyone’s sake.

Just doing the right thing for you and your dc doesn’t make you evil or a witch!

You’ve tried, harder than most would, and you can’t make it work.

Cruel would be to stay, denying yourself and your children a chance at a happier life.

The only person who would potentially think ill of you would be your h and he wasn’t too bothered about how you might feel with he was shagging her was he?

Time to put you first

I know what I need to do it’s just not going to be easy just need to remember what is going to be best for me because I think I would have cracked up if I kept going on the way I was. No matter what happens I will feel bad now matter if it’s for the best but it is the best thing in the long run.

I want to make significant changes to my life and I can’t do that if I have all this shit going on and I don’t see why I have to be so accommodating when this is all on him

I’m very confused by all the talk of court and social workers. Why would that be necessary ? The child has two parents and when his mother becomes ill and sadly passes away he can live with his father, who has parental rights I assume.

As the maternal grandparents have been a big part of the child’s life, I’m sure his father will make reasonable arrangements for them to see each other.

Or they will agree for the child to live with the GP and see his father ( and half brothers ).

This all needs to be sorted and agree by this poor child’s family, not the courts. There’s enough real life tragedy here without creating extra drama with lawyers and court room battles.

However none of this is the Ops concern, she needs to focus on sorting out things for herself and her two children. That’s enough to worry about.