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Original poster

How do I leave my marriage without being the wicked witch

169 replies

kcw1986 · 04/03/2020 10:18

Been lurking for a bit and want some advice on my current situation.
DH had an affair a while back and I stupidly took him back even though deep down I knew I would never really forgive him its just not in my nature and have felt like a pathetic doormat ever since.

The situation is more complicated because the affair resulted in a child a little boy now 6 which my DH has regular contact with and clearly loves. We have two DS of our own both 8 and 11 who were the main reasons that I stayed in the marriage.

And some time ago the OW has told my DH that she has cervical cancer and it has become terminal, which means my DH is going for custody of their son although the boys grandparents want him too.

If am honest I checked out of the marriage along time ago and for the past few months have been having an affair with my boss, its not going anywhere and is already started to fizzle out (He still loves his wife and isn't ready to be with anyone else plus I really want to be single)

Ever since this has been going on my youngest has been kinder to his brother and is clearly developing a strong bond with him. I have caught them cuddling in bed and my DS tells me his brother crys at night and he comforts him and my eldest while not being overly affectionate has started letting him play in his room and doesn't glare at him which is a big thing for him.

I fell incredibly guilty but I want to end my marriage but I don't know how if there is a custody battle is it best to stay until my DH gets him or should I end it before and risk the grandparents winning custody. Plus with the developing bonds my son is making I don't want to be responsible for more hurt but I cant keep going on with this sham of a marriage.

OP posts:
Bloomburger · 04/03/2020 12:48

Don't think anyone will paint you as the wicked witch. Your DH betrayed you in the most awful manner and then expected you to take on the child of the affair, you can just say you tried and can't do it. Most people will think you've given it a bloody good go!

BigFatLiar · 04/03/2020 13:01

He betrayed you and you've betrayed him. He had an affair, you had an affair. You should have packed in when you decided the marriage was over rather than go on full of resentment.
Sounds like your youngest has already formed an attachment to the lad. Only ones innocent in his are the children and they're the ones being hurt. They should get over it. Don't paint yourself as the wicked witch but hiding the affair - don't paint yourself innocent.
Its sad about the lads mother but not your fault and you have no responsibility to help him.

BigFatLiar · 04/03/2020 13:03

I cant really hate the OW

Don't forget you are the OW in someone else's affair.

FFSFFSFFS · 04/03/2020 13:12

If he works full time it could be a lot better for the little boy to be with his grandparents and then can spend time with his half-siblings when your ex-husband has them.

I think otherwise this little boy will attack to you as a mother figure which doesn't sound like it would be good for any party.

Musti · 04/03/2020 13:12

I think you need to end this. Your husband had an affair which resulted in a child, making it impossible to forget. It obviously affected your feelings and now you're having an affair. You're feeling guilt because the ow is dying and the little boy.

However, this isn't your responsibility and it will be a lot harder to leave if you end up with the little boy after his mother dies because it would be a double upheaval for him.

So end it now and live your life and let your husband sort the mess he created.

squeaver · 04/03/2020 13:14

Do your sons know the other child is their brother?

Has the child's mother expressed her view n what should happen to him after she dies? Is it really going to end in a court battle?

Agree with those above. End your affair, then end your marriage. You have to find a way to do this as amicably as possible. It looks like your boys are already picking up on some negative vibes.

You all need to know exactly where you all stand before you are having to deal with the fall-out from this woman's death.

Keep all the children and what's best for them at the centre of all your thinking.

Whatnameisgood · 04/03/2020 13:15

Another voice agreeing that if you’re going to end your marriage you should do it ASAP so the situation is clearer regarding where the 6 year old will live after his mother dies. Maybe he will live with his GPs with extensive contact with his father on the same days he has your own boys, which would mean the brothers’ relationships with each other would continue. The detail isn’t really your problem but you have to make your position clear ASAP. It would be too cruel to have the 6 year old move in with you only for you to then decide to end the marriage.

Original poster
kcw1986 · 04/03/2020 13:22

Just to be clear in regards to my affair my AP is a widower hence he still loves his wife and isn't ready for anything else. It felt over the last time we meet we just talked about how lonely we both feel and had a cuddle but it did feel good to be wanted like that by a man again.

I recently got my pre baby body back and was enjoying the attention again and having someone desire me.

In regards to the OW I don't think she will survive the year from what I have heard and apparently she wants to sit down and talk to us (that's going to be a fun conversation)

A part of me does wonder whether I could feel in love with DH again and there are glimmers when he does something that makes me remember why I fell in love with him but mostly they make me sad.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 04/03/2020 13:26

Just divorce him. You don't love him any more and if he gets custody you'll have OW's son living with you.
You are better off on your own than having to deal with all this rubbish.

SlippedRoofTile · 04/03/2020 13:40

Honestly OP, it's hard enough becoming a step mother. When this child is the result of your result of your DH's affair the situation will soon become untenable. I agree with PPs that he has pushed you and pushed you in spite of the fact that he's done wrong. If I were you I'd get out now and build a new life that is free from all this sadness and regret.

Luckystar20 · 04/03/2020 13:42

Reading you're posts I really feel for you. You were childhood sweethearts and he betrayed you in the worse way and didnt even use protection resulting in a child. I think you've been a saint to put up with so much all this time but you have to draw a line having this child permanently featured in you're family is too much. The fact you started an affair seems to be you wanted to seek solace in someone else and feel that love you once had with you're dh which is now tainted. You can have that you just need to free yourself start a new life with you're dc and eventually you will meet someone who loves and cares for you the way you deserved to be treated.

mcmooberry · 04/03/2020 14:15

I doubt anyone would ever blame you for walking away from this situation, there can't be many woman who would find it tolerable.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/03/2020 14:37

He wanted an affair
He wanted contact with the son
He wanted the boys to know each other
He wants custody
He wants family holidays
He wants...

I want to give him a shake.

If you handle this right, the boys get to know each other, you get a home of your own, you don't have to put up with this Happy Family nonsense.

Original poster
kcw1986 · 04/03/2020 14:46

To answer a question yes my DS know they have another brother didn't seem like an option to hide the truth when my DH was insistent that he wanted all three to know each other. Youngest has handled it well the oldest is another story.

Am going to go through all our financial information now I don't have any savings or pension but I insisted that he sign the house over to my name when this all started it was one of the major stipulations I had.

One of the big things I regret is that we didn't separate so I could have time to digest everything and it feels like I have gone from one reality to another and another. I just want a bit of space so I think ill ask for an official separation and he can move back into his mothers which isn't that far from the house we live in now which would be handy.

The thing I find most difficult it all of the spiteful, vicious hateful thoughts and feelings I have had because of this I wanted the boy to die and not be born, I have had thoughts about destroying my husband. But the worst was when I saw the OW and I saw first had what cancer and chemo and probably stress have done to her she certainly is not the smoldering siren she was, she looks haggered and old and the feelings of triumph and delight that I felt really shocked me.

OP posts:
Gadgnkk · 04/03/2020 14:49

What an almighty mess your DH caused.

mbosnz · 04/03/2020 14:50

What strikes me is how incredibly, even painfully, honest you are about yourself and your feelings and actions. That's pretty amazing. But I think you also give yourself a harder time than perhaps is necessarily warranted.

Luckystar20 · 04/03/2020 14:55

Aw op I don't think you have had chance to digest the extend of his beytral so it's easier to focus on the child and the ow. You're poor ds is older to realise the extend of how his half brother came about whilst his father was with his mother. I do think counselling for you would really help it seems it's all been on you're dh terms and you've had little say in what's gone on.

threecatsownme · 04/03/2020 14:58

I can't begin to imagine how hard this must
be for you, however having an affair with your married boss is risking another marriage breakdown. After being on the receiving end of that I'm very surprised you went on to become the OW

That aside, I would be looking to leave with my DC and let DH sort his own mess out.

Longdistance · 04/03/2020 15:01

This is all your dhs doing. He created this mess. It’s all been about what HE wants and not anything about you.
Please just end your affair and your marriage, move on as you already know it’s dead in the water. Live a happy life and sod everyone else.

welliesarefuntowear · 04/03/2020 15:01

@threecats. She is not an OW. She has already said he's a widower.

user1465335180 · 04/03/2020 15:02

I think this situation is going to get worse unless you act and move on with seperating from your DH, he's had his own way through all this and will no doubt be thinking he'll get custody but he'll be expecting you to do the childcare, it doesn't cross his mind that this isn't your child and you might not want to be involved. Be prepared for him to be outraged that you're going to leave and maybe jeopodize his chance for custody but this marriage sounds dead, give it a decent funeral and move on with your life

Midlifeargh · 04/03/2020 15:11

Don't let this drag on until a grieving little boy has started to see you as a mother figure

Totally this. It’s exactly what I thought. At the moment, your divorce won’t cause this poor little boy that much upheaval, but it could later on.

I feel so heartbroken for the little one Sad. So lovely that your kids are being kind to him, what great kids you’ve raised.

Do get out now, OP. You and the kids all deserve more happiness than this.

Sushiroller · 04/03/2020 15:14

Leave him sooner rather than later as this will only get worse.

Ditch the affair (it wont last anyway) and have a clean break

TooOldForThis67 · 04/03/2020 15:14

You have every right to feel and think the way you do considering what you have had to put up with. Just having an affair would be enough to end things for most people.
I think it was cruel and selfish of him to insist that your own son's be involved with his affair son. That should have been their choice when they were older.
Well done for having the foresight to get him to sign over your home to you when he was found out. It will make everything easier in the long run when you ask him to leave.
You wont be the wicked witch and don't let him even try to paint you as one. Your son's will be fine.

Gutterton · 04/03/2020 15:20

Your DH has trounced your boundaries and your emotions at every single point.

His expectations for you and your boys to absorb this situation is abhorrent.

I can imagine that you feel traumatised and trapped in FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

None of this obligation and guilt is yours to own.

I don’t believe this is in any way the best place for this child. Your boys do not need a bereaved child in their day to day life (and I say this as someone who lost a parent suddenly at 6 years old).

This will will erupt for all of you. You all have had enough trauma with the affair, the child, her diagnosis. But you need damage limitation now.

Don’t expose your boys to this fall out. As PP has said don’t make it about the boy - because in many ways it’s a red herring - your marriage was well and truly dead years ago. Just tell your DH that you need to divorce - and then use the energy sucked out of you by this sorry mess to create a calm and peaceful home for your boys to emotionally recover. Otherwise you will likely have a houseful of teenage boys dogged by MH issues.

You are not powerless here.

You can make the move swiftly and with dignity.

Visualise that future. Decide that’s where you are going. Talk with your family and friends and get them to emotionally support you before you speak with your DH.

A lovely peaceful honest life with your boys awaits you. You do not need this inflicted on your life. Do it for your boys.