How do I leave my marriage without being the wicked witch

[kcw1986]

Been lurking for a bit and want some advice on my current situation.
DH had an affair a while back and I stupidly took him back even though deep down I knew I would never really forgive him its just not in my nature and have felt like a pathetic doormat ever since.

The situation is more complicated because the affair resulted in a child a little boy now 6 which my DH has regular contact with and clearly loves. We have two DS of our own both 8 and 11 who were the main reasons that I stayed in the marriage.

And some time ago the OW has told my DH that she has cervical cancer and it has become terminal, which means my DH is going for custody of their son although the boys grandparents want him too.

If am honest I checked out of the marriage along time ago and for the past few months have been having an affair with my boss, its not going anywhere and is already started to fizzle out (He still loves his wife and isn't ready to be with anyone else plus I really want to be single)

Ever since this has been going on my youngest has been kinder to his brother and is clearly developing a strong bond with him. I have caught them cuddling in bed and my DS tells me his brother crys at night and he comforts him and my eldest while not being overly affectionate has started letting him play in his room and doesn't glare at him which is a big thing for him.

I fell incredibly guilty but I want to end my marriage but I don't know how if there is a custody battle is it best to stay until my DH gets him or should I end it before and risk the grandparents winning custody. Plus with the developing bonds my son is making I don't want to be responsible for more hurt but I cant keep going on with this sham of a marriage.

Social workers aren't stupid.

If you leave we all know DH won't want the little boy - too much like hard work. They'll spot your marriage died ages ago.

I doubt the residency panel will give DH the time of day, to be honest, whether you're there or not.

DS will be much better off with his family. And you need a life - DH has really done a number on you for you even to be thinking that this is your mess to sort.

Your feelings about all of it are natural honestly, I think most people would have similar feelings.

You're very honest and candid with us. You have to be that way with your DH too and tell him exactly what you're feeling. If you don't want his 4 year old to live with you, it's important that you say it. And very quickly if the court case is starting. The courts need to know what the living arrangements are, so they can make an informed decision. I'm amazed he has been going through this process to be primary carer of the little boy without discussing it with you. Actually I'm still amazed that he brought the 4 year old into your home without your permission. Does he intimidate you?

See a solicitor, even if the house is in your name is it not still a marital asset? Don't assume get proper advice.

My apologies OP I missed the widower part

That poor boy

In regards to the OW I don't think she will survive the year from what I have heard and apparently she wants to sit down and talk to us (that's going to be a fun conversation)

Don’t let this happen to you.
This is shocking.
Your DH is seriously deluded.
Your feelings and needs never even register.
Even taking the affair child into YOUR home was to meet his own need for approval from his by then dead father.

Your DSis, DM and DF will be delighted to help you through this believe me. I bet they are worried sick. Reach out to them.

Your MIL I would imagine would also have your back even if she is unable to express it.

You have tolerated so so much and your understandable unresolved emotional pain is leeching into your boys and compromising their little lives. And your DH expects to heap more on you all whilst swanning off to work and playing the hero.

Don’t play along with this nonsense any longer. You and your boys need some respite.

I don't want to give the impression that my DH is a abusive unfeeling man he isn't he is a man that for 8 months acted selfishly and stupidly and has desperately tried to make up for it to everyone around him.

To give context DH started a new job which was high flying job that paid much more and involved a lot of travel. His fellow employees were all single men blowing their money on booze and cars etc and he got caught up in it. A new woman joined the team and took a shine to him she was only temporary and after weeks of flirting and banter they had a ONS after a night on the town this progressed to an affair, when she was made full time the affair goggles came off and he realised what he was risking. He ended it and then wanted to get a new job and move away cue the baby. He was the one that told me and confessed everything throwing himself on my mercy. I saw the messages and even the OW confirmed that he never had any intention of leaving me.

While this was going on I was tired and a SAHM I put wait on and was feeling down all the time, put wait on, stopped caring about my appearance. Our marriage wasn't in a good place and I do understand why the affair started especially since having my own.

He does love the boys more than anything and is a hands on dad and would be devastated to lose his family. His fathers death really affected him especially after his father told him how disgusted he was after the affair came out. He had always been the golden boy and both his parents were really upset.

A few nights ago I was in the hall upstairs and he was reading to our youngest doing all the voices and making him laugh I stayed and listened felt happy and then I got very sad and cried a little I turned around and my oldest was staring at me and he just turned around and shut his door am actually worried about his relationship with his father it has taken a hit. Little things like DS1 deciding to support a football team that a rivals to his fathers (that was always their thing they'd go and watch matches together they don't do that now)

This is such a sad situation for everyone, I have no advice for you OP because I wouldn't even know where to start but I have masses of sympathy for you and think you need to give yourself a break!

OP he made a life changing decision to have an affair op that was on him. Could you say you would have started you're own affair if it wasnt for the circumstances? You sound extremely sad in you're ops even defending his actions. You being a sahm and gaining weight is not an excuse for him to have an op it was solely on you're dh.

OP, it's easy to spot the conflict in your posts.

Your husband made his mistakes.
But by bullying you along the way to accept things he hasn't ever really owned what he did.
I suspect a lifetime of being the golden boy, and his parents being so appalled by his actions, spurred him on to push you to agree to things that you really didn't want to.

I think you have spent years pushing down your feelings about what occurred, and so you have never had the chance to digest and reflect.

This is again, all on your husband.

The best thing he could do, is move out asap.
Let him take the meeting with the mother of his other child, on his own.

You need the time and space to decide what you would like to do.

The poor little boy in the middle of all this, is just heartbreaking.

He doesn't need your husband being the big man.
He really needs to be where he will be loved and cherished.
His world is going to fall apart and never, ever be the same again. Ever.

Your husband needs to take his ego out of this, and focus totally on where the best place for this child will be.

You need your space too, to grieve fully for your old relationship and decide what your future will be.

Don't waste time beating yourself up over your understandably angry thoughts.

Luckystar I know it's not an excuse and believe me am not defending the affair he was a shit.

I don't know whether I could possibly say I would never of had an affair maybe years from now I could of thought I have only ever been with one man and am missing out, I don't know.

Neither the affair nor the child is really the problem more how am feeling about DH and our marriage.

No easy answers here Op.

A sad and difficult situation. I feel for everyone involved. Something quite rare on MN relationships threads.

There are some good pointers on this thread. But because of the complexity, I think you need real life support in deciding the future. I think whatever you do has to be “real” though. A handful of real is better than a bucketful of fake.

Your defending him?

Please don’t minimise and justify your DH 8 month affair.

If you chose to forgive him that’s another entirely different set of emotions but it does not mean that his actions were justified or any less than shocking and despicable. He lied and cheated on you and your DCs 24/7. Sounds like your DS1 has the measure of him.

And beyond the affair he has trounced your feelings time and time again. Sounds like he must have gaslighted you for you to even be where you are now - which is v manipulative and v emotionally abusive.

Where do you get the idea that anyone would consider you a wicked witch?

Certainly opinion has been unanimous on here that you are in an extremely intolerable situation. Maybe he makes you feel like that? You are going to make yourself even more ill and distracted than you are right now which will prevent you from giving the emotional support that your DSs clearly need right now.

It would be too cruel to have the 6 year old move in with you only for you to then decide to end the marriage
This. I feel for your situation OP but you are the adult here (maybe the only one) and you need to do the right thing, even though it has not been done to you. It sounds far better for the wee one to go to his grandparents and have regular visits with his dad, then whether his dad is with you or not will have less impact on his already crappy life than a split would have if you are all living together.

Am defending him in the sense that he has been an absolute shit not some sort of evil abuser.

Believe me am not been gaslighted there is a difference between understanding why something happened then accepting and being ok with it. Am just being honest with myself feels like I haven't done that for a long time.

Another vote here for ending the marriage. He can still be a good father and also separated from you. Families take many forms.

Your feelings aren't there for him any more.
He doesn't make you happy. Your eldest son is picking up on this.

Make a new life for yourself and your boys. They can see their brother at their dad's.

I don't know whether I could possibly say I would never of had an affair maybe years from now I could of thought I have only ever been with one man and am missing out, I don't know.

Anything could happen in the future. Still could. You could choose to stay with him, and he could be flattered by another female colleague in 10 years time.

Have you looked into counselling for your oldest son?

It's your marriage, think about that for as long as you want to. But the stuff about the other child needs to be sorted out very soon.

I don't understand why he hasn't taken your feelings into account about this, if you say he's nice, ok, but why would a nice man set about trying to gain primary residency (or whatever it's called) of this child without being taking your feelings into account? Or his other children's feelings? It seems to have just been presented to you as already decided.

And why haven't you made your feelings clear anyway? It's your life, your home, and your family! If he sounds abusive, it's because his actions don't appear to show much respect for you and thought for how you (and his children) must be feeling...

If you're not 100% sure you want the boy living with you, you need to tell your DH it's not happening.

It really is over.

He can still be a good Dad, still have all boys at the same time or a mix of sometimes altogether and sometimes not.

It is hideously unfair on his youngest to bring him full time into a family where things are far far from ok.

He may be better with his DGP as main carers or DH - leave that to them and SW.

I think the fact you don't have open and honest discussions means it won't improve/change. You are both avoiding them.

It is partly my fault I haven’t been honest with him about how I feel about our marriage or the situation we are in and that’s on me I have buried my head in the sand hoping a miracle would come a long and I think part of it is guilt about my affair. I was also confused because our sex life suddenly went into overdrive in the last year.

He has spoken to our DS about their brother coming to live with us my youngest is fine with it and said he’d share his room my oldest basically said whatever but he has spoken to them repeatedly telling them it doesn’t effect the way he loves them.

He’s away at the moment and back Sunday so I’ll talk to him then I don’t want to do it over the phone that feels wrong

Your right @RandomMessan honest and frank conversation needs to be had asap

Sounds like you're oldest has taken it the hardest at 11 with hormones

However you movd forward OP, I strongly suggest you get some counselling for your eldest DC. It sounds as though he is struggling with the changing dynamic of a new half-sibling and also is feeling confusion at the emotions between you and your DH.

I'd also suggest counselling for you alone, without your DH, but maybe leading into couples counselling IF you want to.