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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like husband doesn't care

990 replies

Chickencuddle · 03/03/2020 12:22

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickencuddle · 08/03/2020 19:01

Cordelia that's a good idea. I'm not sure which ones count as incidents or are worth noting down though. Sometimes I feel like it's just me being over dramatic

OP posts:
12345kbm · 08/03/2020 19:09

All of them are worth reporting OP. They are all criminal offences, what happened to you today was a criminal offence. This is severe and ongoing sexual abuse.

There's an app you can download which has a journal where you can log incidents. It's stored online so there's no danger of losing it if you lose your phone etc You can download it here.

The other way is to do it yourself either on a notepad or on your computer:

Date it started-finished/Incident/How it made you feel/Witnesses-evidence

Go back as far as you can and record everything you can remember, even if you can't remember the exact dates or times.

AlanRickmanFanClub · 08/03/2020 19:10

OP I'm so sad to read your posts - it's good that you have been able to talk to your friend about it. Next time he tries it on, could you say to him something like 'I have told you repeatedly that I don't want sex with you and the more you push the less likely it is that I will ever want sex. I'm not sure if you are aware but even in marriage, forcing someone to have sex against their will is rape. The next time you try to force me I will call the police and have you arrested for sexual assault and attempted rape. It's your choice.' If you feel you can't say it, write it down and give to him.

That may give him something to think about.

You are doing brilliantly working through the steps to be finally free. You can take whatever time you need but obviously the sooner the better to get this revolting man out of your life.

Keep saying THIS NOT MY FAULT until you believe it because it's 100% true.

Wishing you the very best Flowers

Lillipop87 · 08/03/2020 19:17

Write down all of it op. Any time he does or says something that makes you feel uncomfortable or violated. any time he touches you without your consent. If something doesn't feel right it's because it isn't .I don't think anyone on here thinks you are being overdramatic x

SandyFire · 08/03/2020 19:49

Yes, I can really imagine feeling on edge when he’s at home. Contact with children after splitting up can be stressful to manage, you’re right. Some men use contact as a way to try to continue to exert control. However it is still less than if you’re actually living with him. You will have a better understanding than anyone as to what he would do if you split up. If you decide to leave then try not to overthink all the practicalities as it can feel overwhelming. But do make sure that you are safe as you leave as it’s a high risk time. Your children may find the transition hard and some children do blame their mum for a bit for breaking up the family. But it’s still better long term as they’ll gradually start to see the benefits. If you’re feeling on edge, then no doubt they are too, even if you try to hide it. They can pick up on vibes. And good dads don’t abuse their children’s mother. Anyway, I would never tell you what to do, I just want you to try to imagine the feeling of not having to answer to him. And having that freedom. It is possible even if it doesn’t feel like it.

cordeliavorkosigan · 08/03/2020 21:00

Don't worry about an incident having to be worthy of writing down. It sounds like they all are and anyway, what's the harm, write down what you have for breakfast-- they don't charge per word. That app sounds good, very easy to get to and to keep safe.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 08/03/2020 21:02

Thanks everyone I'm sorry of it seems I shoot down every suggestion I'm just being a coward I dont want him to find out and I'm being wary.
I dont want to download anything unless he sees dont have anywhere he doesnt look. I may email myself? Dont think he has password to email.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 08/03/2020 21:05

Email is a great idea OP. You do what feel safe for you. You're doing really well.

chatterbugmegastar · 08/03/2020 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YRGAM · 08/03/2020 21:26

If you are concerned about him seeing your emails you can set a fresh Gmail account up? Also, use Incognito mode on browsers (there is an option to open a tab with it) and he won't see your browsing history.

SandyFire · 08/03/2020 21:46

@chatterbugmegastar
Please don’t make OP feel worse about not having left. She’s still in contemplation mode and that can take a long time.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 09/03/2020 07:07

I know everyone is going to think now it's my own fault and I'm stupid but I had sex with him last night. I was kind of thinking all day I might so that all thr groping may stop for a bit.
It was fine. But he knows to wear a condom as I take no contraceptive. He went to do it without and I told him he needed to get one. He said he just wanted to feel it first. I told him no go get a condom must have said it at least 5 times. Telling him dont do anything without one. Go and get one. But he carried on and started without one anyway. I pushed him off me and shouted. Then he got one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickencuddle · 09/03/2020 07:26

Yrgm that's a great idea thank you
Next time I have a good block of time without him or in laws here I'll sit down and record as much as I can.
I keep switching between I'm being silly and over sensitive and making a big deal out of nothing. Then I feel angry that hes not listening to me and only thinking of his dick. I would always put his feelings first as I do with most people but he never would.

OP posts:
pog100 · 09/03/2020 07:30

It's not stupid. It is probably sensible given your circumstances. It seems unlikely that you are going to split in days and it's probably best to preserve normality while you figure out how to achieve it. Unfortunately your normal includes giving in to an abusive partner. It's no life but you are doing well in recognising it!

FlowerArranger · 09/03/2020 07:31

@Chickencuddle.... I don't think it's safe for you to have sex with this man without taking care of your own contraception. Not only because he clearly doesn't care about you as an autonomous person with the right to consent or not, but also because condoms can and do fail. The last thing you want right now is risk another pregnancy...

Can you go and see a doctor or sexual health clinic for a coil or the pill? I know it's yet one more thing for your overburdened brain to deal with, but it's really important.

Maybe, if you manage to see someone other than your usual GP, you can even open up to them about the coercive abuse you are being subjected to? Flowers

Quartz2208 · 09/03/2020 08:24

Actually op I read that and thought how good it was that you actually did it on your terms rather than his and stuck to it. I hope speaking here has giving you at least the ability to have your voice heard and getting him to listen even in a small way

Lillipop87 · 09/03/2020 09:30

It's not stupid at all. You are in an impossibly difficult situation I act think you are very brave and stronger then you think you are. Does he usually try to have sex without a condom ?it's strange that he would insist on not using one last night if he usually does. I wonder if he senses he's losing some control over you. Be careful I second what someone said about going and getting the pill. I wouldn't put it past him not to sabotage the condoms to try and trap you into another pregnancy. I really hope you can get out soon op. Please don't think it's you being silly. It's not. None of what he does to you is ok and you are not overreacting to any of it. Xx

Lillipop87 · 09/03/2020 09:35

It's not stupid at all. You are in a real difficult position I think you are brave and I also think you are stronger than you think you are. Please don't think your silly or over reacting because you 100% are not what he is doing is not ok! At all. I agree that you should go to doctor and get the pill. Does he usually insist on not using a condom ?it's strange that he didn't want to last night if he normally does I'm wondering if he senses he's losing some control I wouldn't trust him not to sabotage condoms to trap u into a pregnancy. Do go see a doc about it as soon as you get the chance to go. Hope your ok xx

Lillipop87 · 09/03/2020 09:37

Sorry thought the first message didn't send. X

12345kbm · 09/03/2020 10:39

OP he raped you again. You told him that you didn't want sex without a condom and he went ahead without one which is rape. That was non consensual sex which is rape. Yesterday he sexually assaulted you in the kitchen, he then raped you later.

HelgaHere1 · 09/03/2020 11:12

Always putting other people first also means your DCs have an unhappy, stressed, scared mother. Not so good for them - and a bullying selfish DF.

Poor things.

Comtesse · 09/03/2020 11:54

You are not making a big deal out of nothing. Your post from 5.42pm yesterday was a clear sexual assault. If a stranger did that to you it would be fine to call 999 on the spot. His behaviour is completely unacceptable. It’s not you it’s HIM. He wants you to think that it’s normal and no big deal but his behaviour is awful. Flowers

StormTreader · 09/03/2020 13:19

It absolutely doesnt surprise me that hes telling you you made a move on him - he's trying to set it up so you don't report him because he'll say "well you do it too, you do it as much as me".

It also doesnt surprise me that he's escalating behaviour now he can feel his control is slipping - you're saying "no" more and hes trying to physically overpower you and also warn you - "if you keep saying no then I'll start humiliating you by doing it where our children and friends can see".

The bj conversation in the car in front of your kids was to force you to talk about something sexual in a situation you werent comfortable doing it because his WHOLE AIM is to make you think you have to accept his "right" to be sexual with you in times and places where you don't want it, it's all about him taking all of your power and bodily autonomy away.

katy1213 · 09/03/2020 13:33

This man is the absolute dregs, pondlife, scum of the earth. You were raised in an abusive home - and now you've settled for this. Do you want your children to be saying in 20 years time that they were raised in an abusive home - and see them recreating the same fucked up dynamic into another generation? Break the cycle and get out. You deserve better.

Peanutbuttermouth · 09/03/2020 14:34

I just wanted to say one thing (as everyone else's advice has been so good) - that you worrying about your kids being unhappy in a tiny flat with no garden is unwarranted. I can absolutely guarantee that children, especially ones as young as yours, do not think like this. Kids are happy when their caregiver is happy.

I left my marriage. I have 2 kids. I got a part time job with a small income, universal credit covers the rest. I have a small house in a grotty area. We don't have many possessions. I can't afford for my kids to do hobbies, clubs or expensive activities.

Yesterday the 3 of us sat on the living room floor and played board games while we ate breakfast. Then we walked to the local park and played football. Then we went home and snuggled up and put a movie on. I don't think I have ever seen my kids so happy. I was with them, giving them my time and attention. We have our freedom and we have each other. That is literally all children need.

Please follow the advice on this thread and find a way out. You will not regret it.